


What it Means to Feel

by Opulence



Series: What it Means to Feel [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, PTSD, Psych Ward, Psychological Trauma, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-03
Updated: 2014-02-16
Packaged: 2017-12-22 06:34:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 114,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/910041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opulence/pseuds/Opulence
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He never would have guessed that suicide would bring him closer to living than he had ever been before.</p><p>Now rated M for happenings in Chapter 9.<br/>... aaand rated E for occurences in Chapter 15.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How it all Started

**Author's Note:**

> I got this AU idea while trying to give a friend Ereri AU ideas and I fell in love with it because it was something I could relate to well and therefore really, truly write about. The subject matter makes it somewhat necessary that I write in first-person, so if you're not into that, I apologize. 
> 
> I don't know how long this'll end up getting. Legitimately no idea. I know what I want to happen, but I add and subtract things every day. We'll see where this goes. :3
> 
> I apologize if there are any moments where the characters are out of character. I try to keep it pretty close to what they're supposed to be like, but it isn't always 100% possible with AUs like this.

 

Everyone is familiar with that tight, sickly feeling they get in the pit of their stomach when they know that something is going to happen. The only problem lies in the fact that there is no way to know anything else about it; _they just know that something is going to happen._

I woke up with that feeling constricting my chest. I didn't really think much of it. Night terrors and nightmares had been normal for the last few months, and waking up like this happened more times than I liked to admit. I understood, though. I had to take into consideration that: one, it was monday; two, I had school; and three, I never slept well. It was quite a killer combination. I sighed, swung my legs over the side of my bed, and stretched in preparation for the next step of my morning routine:

"Mikasa! Get up now if you plan on having enough time to get ready!"

I coughed, cleared my throat, and stumbled into the bathroom to wash my face and shower. Just before I shut the door I heard a grumble in response and smirked. Mornings were one of the few times that I could look out for her instead of it being the other way around. She was just barely older than I was, not even enough to put us in different graduation years, but judging by the way that she looked after me, you'd think she was my mother. She undoubtedly felt indebted toward my family for taking her in when her own parents passed away. Her method of repayment boiled down to making sure my short temper didn't earn me an asskicking and keeping me company while my mother and father traveled for business. Mornings were the only times I had the upper hand and being obnoxious about it gave me a twisted sense of satisfaction.

 When I stepped into the kitchen after getting dressed, she was already leaning against the counter with a mug of coffee and a banana.

"That's… That's fucking disgusting, Mikasa," I scoffed and subconsciously wrinkled my nose when I tried to imagine the conflicting flavors. She raised an eyebrow, studied her breakfast, then shrugged and met my eyes, "It works for me. Who are you to judge? You can't even put your shirt on right."

I looked down and felt my cheeks burn when I realized that not only was my shirt backwards, it was also inside out. Today was going to be fantastic.

 

* * *

 

I got out of the car, waited for Mikasa to get her things, and then we walked into the school together. "Eren, did you remember to do your Physics homework? I forgot to bring it up last night but Mr. Bossard said that if you forgot another assignment he'd give you detention."

I cringed. Of course I hadn't. I couldn't stand the class, and as a result I didn't understand a word of the material he taught. To be honest, I was an average student at best. I could manage decent grades when I really tried to persist and work at it, sure. Mr. Bossard, however, gave me no incentive to try hard. For reasons beyond my comprehension, he  _constantly_ picked on me. He was condescending and took every chance got to be antagonistic. The worst part was that he was genuinely excited to do it, so much so that he had bitten his tongue on multiple occasions. _The bastard_   _had bitten his tongue because he was so excited to be an ass._ The icing on the cake (even though "icing" at this point was overkill) was that on top of everything else, he was the cockiest, most self-assured person I - or any of my peers, for that matter - had met. He was admittedly good at what he did, but he was so busy being full of himself that you couldn't notice. Now I had given him another reason to degrade me. "No, I didn't. Great. Go home without me tonight, okay? Would you mind coming back when I call?" She sighed and nodded, then caught my eye with a look that seemed to say 'I don't know why I try.'

Hah, me either. 

His class was my first class of the morning and it lasted for what seemed like days. As I'd expected, he chewed me out in front of the class and gave me detention for an hour and a half after school. As an unexpected little "fuck you," he demanded that I come to his class for the next week after school to go over course material and be tutored by him. The realization that it was only Monday hit me like a brick. An annoying, self-centered brick. When the bell finally rang, I left before most of the class had managed to get out of their seats.

I wished that my classes had gotten better after that, but everything up until my lunch period consisted of failing (or barely passing, which was almost worse because I couldn't even properly fail a test. How half-assed could I get?) tests or being drowned alive by assignments. My mind buzzed with so many different thoughts that it became a mangled mess of nothing that was drowned in stress, and then it gave me a headache. I collapsed in a booth across from Mikasa and sighed heavily while she produced her lunch from her bag. "Could I ask you a question?"

Mikasa looked up at me with a mouth stuffed full of sandwich and nodded. "Ha, wha hoo wan?"

"Ew," I exaggerated a look of repulsion before continuing, "Do you ever just get... Tired? Not exhausted or sleepy but..." I wasn't sure how to properly word the feeling. I looked around, scanned the faces around our table, and listened to the garbled sea of chatter. "Do you ever feel like your emotions are tired? Like something in your heart just wants to put up a wall and stop feeling because it's tired of feeling so much?"

She furrowed her brow and bit her lip, then looked up into nothing in particular while deep in thought. "I'm not sure, Eren. I mean, you know that I'm generally good at keeping my emotions in check, but I still have them. Is that how you're feeling? That doesn't seem healthy."

"No! We just started our unit about emotions in psycology and someone brought that up, I had never felt it so I wondered if you had," I lied, forcing a smile. "That sounds awful, right? I can't even imagine!" My chest felt heavy when she nodded in agreement and launched into a conversation about how well she was doing in Phys Ed. while she continued eating. I chalked it up to being tired because of my nightmares and having a stressful morning. Mondays always sucked.

"-and then I accidentally threw her up against the wall... Eren? Earth to Eren?" I blinked hard and looked at her with an expression that probably made it seem like I was noticing her for the first time. "Were you spacing off, buddy? What's going on? You seem off. You can talk to me, you know. I'm officially family. Did someone say something to you? I fucking swear, Eren..."

I nodded and smiled. "I know! No, I'm fine. Just tired, to be honest. It's been a long day. Mr. Bossard gave me detention along with a week-long sentence to hell. Just thinking about it makes me want to sleep for days just to avoid his face." I knew I could talk to her; we had always been close and she knew everything about me. My problem was that I didn't know what I felt and I didn't know how to talk about it. That would have worried her and it wasn't worth it. "Anyway, go back to telling me how you pinned that girl. You've always been too strong for your own good."

~

Three hours passed until I had to sit after school with Mr. Bossard. He directed me to the seat directly in front of his desk and we both sat and stared at each other. There was a long, awkward silence before he spoke to me. "You really think you're too good for this work? Your grades certainly don't back up that assumption."

I felt anger flare and my skin tingled until I retorted, "My grades reflect your teaching,  _sir._ "

He narrowed his eyes and his lip curled up into a snarl. "You little brat. Do you know how many people in your class are failing?" He didn't even give me time to give a smartass remark and dig myself an even deeper grave, "Two. The other person just needs to make up a test. You seem to be the only one with such an insurmountable problem with my teaching. I've never heard someone complain about my teaching before."

"You're too busy boasting to realize anyone wants to complain. I don't know who you're trying to show up, but I'm guessing that it's not working," I spat while my face burned. I clenched my fists as rage coursed through my veins. He opened his mouth to respond then stopped himself, and I watched as the muscles in his face relaxed and he produced a smirk that made my skin crawl. I felt dread seize me even before he uttered his next sentence:

"You've just earned yourself another week, Jaeger."

The next hour was humiliating. He sat in front of me, silent, and wore a triumphant smirk that made me want to lash out again. The thought of another week on top of what he had already supplemented was enough to hold me back, but it didn't stop the fury from building until it made me dizzy. He didn't even properly excuse me; the bastard looked at his watch, scoffed silently at me, and left the room. Incredulously, I stared after him for a few moments until I finally called Mikasa. "Please come get me," I breathed. "If I have to stay here any longer, I can't be held responsible for what I may do." 

No more than ten minutes later she pulled up and I slid into the passenger seat. Her mouth opened to ask about how it went and before she could say anything I sighed, "Don't ask. Don't even ask. It was as bad as you probably think it was," She nodded knowingly, squeezed my hand, and we sat in a comfortable silence for the rest of the ride home. The countryside blurred past as she drove. Usually I was fascinated by it, but today was different. A yawn escaped my lips and gave me reason to blame it on exhaustion.

"I'm going to take a nap, alright? If you want to play music or watch TV or something, just try not to have it too loud." Mikasa studied my face for a moment before she unlocked the car. I raised an eyebrow. "Is that not okay...?"

"No, it's fine. Are you sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine. I'm tired. Just really, really tired." I forced a smile again and she sighed but unlocked the car. I was in my bed before I knew it and sleep came as a blessing.

 

* * *

 

 

"Eren…"

"Nn."

"E-Eren?"

"Ugh..."

"Ere-"

"What the fuck do you want, Mikasa? I'm sleeping," I growled and curled up into myself in an attempt to preserve the comfortable heat that my body had produced under the sheets. It had been such a wonderful nap after a day that couldn't be labeled as anything less than shitty. When she didn't reply, I closed my eyes again, pleasantly surprised that she had given up so easily. 

Of course, it was only moments after I closed my eyes that she spoke again. It'd been four seconds of blissful unawareness and comfort with my eyes closed before she'd spoken the sentence that broke me.

"Mom and dad were in an accident, Eren." Her voice was worryingly soft, and I could tell by the quality of her voice alone that she was shaking. "I just got the call."

My chest tightened and I felt that familiar nagging ache in the pit of my stomach at her words alone, but when I turned to face her and made eye contact, I felt a fire in my heart that traveled through my veins and made me numb.

"It was a head-on collision with a semi." Her voice was no more than a wavering, airy whisper at this point, so soft that I almost managed to convince myself that I hadn't heard her correctly. "They were pronounced dead at the scene." 

I think… No, I know. I know that this was when something in my mind snapped.


	2. Do You Even Know?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It gets a little trigger-y here; if descriptions involving depression bother you then read with caution. With that said, it isn't graphic or particularly harsh. I hope you enjoy.
> 
> Trigger warning for hydrophobia as well!

I'd never understood what people meant when they said that they felt "numb" toward something. I never had much of a problem feeling until recently. In fact, most of the time, I would've loved to be numb, because numb was better than hurting, right?

Wrong.

I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to punch walls and punch people and _I wanted to cry_. I wanted to cry more than anything, but no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't. I _could_ look at their faces in pictures around the house. I _could_ listen to the voicemails they left for me in the past that I never checked. I _could_ read their handwriting and signatures. I _could_ smell them on the furniture and their clothes and their bed. I _couldn't_ cry. I knew that I was supposed to be a wreck. Any normal person would've been. Any normal person would've sobbed for hours on end and left the house because it reminded them so intensely of what they had lost. I couldn't feel anything.

Mikasa followed me out into the living room after I finally got out of bed. Her eyes were puffy and red and tears stained her cheeks. A sick, twisted part of me envied her ability to cry. I didn't want to comfort her. I wanted to steal that from her, I wanted to steal her tears and her pain and make them mine. I didn't know what the hell was wrong with me.

She took a seat beside me and turned to face me. We made eye contact and she looked at me for a long time with an expression I couldn't quite read. "This… I am so sorry."

"What are you sorry for? It's not your fault. They were your parents too."

"I know, but not by blood. It's different."

The next thing I knew, words were rolling off of my tongue before I had a chance to think about them. I felt a disconnect from my mind as I listened to my voice delivering words that I knew I didn't want to say, "Don't be sorry. We don't have time to sit here and feel sorry for ourselves, you of all people should know that. We need to take care of everything. We need to call family members, worry about what to do regarding funerals if their bodies are even whole enough for that to be an option, we have insurance to deal with and finances to worry…"

Shit. By the time I managed to stop myself, Mikasa's eyes had glazed over and tears were streaming down her face. She wore an expression that I had only seen a few times since her own parents had died. She was completely expressionless and looked hollow despite her tears, but I saw incredible pain in her eyes. I immediately remembered what she'd said at lunch earlier that day.

_"You know that I'm generally good at keeping my emotions in check, but I still have them."_

 "Mikasa, I'm so sorry. It's just a lot to handle, I don't even-" She cut me off with a terse shake of her head and looked into my eyes with an intensity that made me flinch. I knew that she was fighting something inside of herself, probably trying to figure out if it would be wise to take care of her own well being or take care of my ungrateful ass. She chose the former, and I couldn't blame her. She looked away from me, stood up, and left for her room without looking at me again.

I closed my eyes, gritted my teeth, and sighed heavily. Digging my own grave with my mouth again. What was that, the third time today? Now I had officially pushed away the only on my side, the only person I had left. Not only had my parents been taken away from me, but I had effectively pushed away Mikasa in the cruelest way possible. If they were directed at her, she couldn't be there to stop me from saying things that I would regret. 

The worst part of it all, I realized, was that I still felt nothing. It was a different kind of nothing, however, it was different from what I had felt at school. I still felt numb, but now I felt like something had scooped everything out of my chest. I felt empty and it was a vast, overwhelming emptiness; my body was suddenly the Mariana Trench drained of water. 

_You don't have to sit here and deal with it. You've done enough damage. You can't care. What good are you right now, who are you helping right now?_

I needed to feel alive. I needed to feel _something_. Anything. Even anger. Even my famous brand of anger that usually got my ass handed to me. "Mikasa? I'm going out, I'll be back soon. I'll have my phone on me if you need anything," I called and left as soon as the last word left my lips. I didn't want to hear her respond, I didn't want to hear her voice or what she wanted to say to me because another twisted part of me was offended that she didn't continue to comfort me when it was _my_ parents that died.

_Nobody, that's right. You're awful, you know. What kind of person gets angry and their sister for grieving instead of taking care of them? Disgusting. All she has ever done is protect you and here you are, using your words to make her cry._

I opened the door of the silver '00 Ford Focus that used to be my father's and flipped on the radio, immediately sliding in a CD and turning up the volume until I felt my heart sync with the tones. Radiohead's Amnesiac. I needed to drive. I didn't care where, I needed to fucking drive. When I was out of my little suburban neighborhood, I took a road straight toward the city. I wanted to go through the bad areas and lose myself. It needed to show me everything that was wrong with the world and make me feel disgusted and upset and scared. 

_Do you even know what it means to feel? There are so many people going through worse things than you and you're over here coming apart at the seams. You can't even cry for your parents. They were yours for eighteen years and you can't cry for them. There is something wrong with you, Eren._

It started raining at the same time that I entered the west side, the "bad" part of town. I watched shop owners sigh and close their front doors. During every storm, they lost their only source of fresh air and air conditioning in order to keep out the rain. 

No more Radiohead. I slid in Morcheeba's Blood Like Diamonds.

Dilapidated buildings tagged with crude, lewd letterings blurred together as I drove and the rain pounded my car in sheets. People lived like this, and that thought hit me as though I had never realized it before. For some people, this broken place was their home. They couldn't ever feel safe here, which meant that they probably couldn't feel safe anywhere. 

_And here you are with the nice house mommy and daddy bought and paid for just for you; here you are with the nice car that still runs even though it's over ten years old. Daddy took such good care of it for you. These people feel so much every day, and these people move on with their lives. They can handle it. You can't. What are you going to do when bills pile up? You don't have a job. Going to get one? How is that going to work with college? Are you going to watch Mikasa go down the same road, spiraling down to her destruction? She was supposed to have such a bright future. Her grades were always better than yours, wasn't she valedictorian?_

I watched as the bridge leading out of the city approached and I suddenly had an overwhelming urge to stop. It was the first feeling I'd had in hours. 

I needed to get out. 

I pulled the Focus into a spot along the road perpendicular to the bridge and left the car without turning it off, propelled by the same force that had spoken for me and broken Mikasa. It was pouring now; my hair was dripping wet and stuck to my forehead the same way that my t-shirt stuck to my body. There was something beautiful about how the deeply rusted, orange-brown beams that held bridge stood out against the dark grey clouds. Nobody but me was crazy enough to walk across it in a downpour so I was alone except for the occasional car crossing the bridge. My eyes closed and I heard the waves beneath the grating whispering words that I could almost understand. There was something beautiful about this bridge right now, right at this very second and I didn't know what it was.

_One less thing for everyone to worry about. Mikasa would be better off on supporting just herself instead of supporting both of you because let's be honest, you wouldn't do much to help her anyway. You wouldn't be breaking anyone's heart anyway; your friends at school aren't friends. They would forget about you in the course of a few years, maybe even months. Ah, do you even have friends at school? Oh, Mr. Bossard is your friend. You have a date with him every day for the next two weeks, remember? Hmm? What are you doing, just standing there? Here's your chance._

It was too beautiful to keep to myself. A shaky hand reached into my pocket - my hand? - and pulled out my phone. Before I knew it, I had dialed Mikasa's number. One ring, two rings, three… "Eren? Are you okay?"

Was I okay? Were the nightmares and night terrors I had had for the last few months okay? Were my grades okay, were our finances okay, would anything ever be okay? Was anything okay in the first place? "I'm fine, Mikasa. It's beautiful, it's so beautiful." I didn't recognize the cracked voice that escaped my lips. These weren't my thoughts. "The bridge is so beautiful and the rain is so beautif-" It had only been a matter of time before my clumsiness and rain-soaked hands converged. I stared down at the phone's resting spot on the concrete and blinked. It wasn't worth picking the phone back up, that was such a waste of energy for something so meaningless. 

I stepped up on the ledge of the bridge and reveled in the freedom of it. I no longer had the weathered bars pressed against my chest to keep me stable. The water beneath me was so dark that I could barely see it; I only heard the waves and the rain as it hit the surface. It seemed so close, so close that I could touch it. Touch it. I wanted to touch it.

I pushed a single foot forward and the rain pushed at my back, as though it was urging me on. All within the matter of a few seconds I heard Mikasa's frenzied yelling muffled through the phone, I felt a smile form on my lips, and a sharp pang of _something_ finally filled the void in my chest before my vision was engulfed by a blanket of black.


	3. Awake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we finally have things going somewhere~ I felt the need to post this because I'm impatient and needed it to be up, ugh. You can look forward to Eren's interactions with everyone, Levi included, in the next chapter.
> 
> Another hydrophobia warning, loves. Loose, but still there.

I felt overwhelming cold and a pressure on my chest that made my head feel thick, then I heard muffled voices from every angle around my head. My lungs started burning, a fire that went up my esophagus, into my throat, and singed my sinuses so much that my eyes watered. The voices got louder and more frenzied and the pressure on my chest faded, but an overwhelming exhaustion gripped my body and I felt myself slip into the darkness again.

I heard voices again, but this time, they were different. The acoustics were different. The voices closest to me echoed slightly and there were faint voices that, I assumed, were originating outside of wherever I was. There was a lot of beeping, too. I noticed that it sped up when I inhaled deeply and held my breath until I coughed, and it was then that I opened my eyes.

When the only thing that I saw was white, the first fairly stupid thought that ran through my head was _Am I in heaven?_ , then I thought about it for a moment and decided that if a heaven did indeed exist, it sure as hell wouldn't have been my destination. Where exactly was I, then? "Eren…? Are you awake?" Mikasa's voice hit me like a slap in the face and I felt a strange pang of dread in my chest.

"Yeah." I coughed hard and grimaced. My throat was killing me. "Where am I? What happened?"

"Oh my God, Eren. I'm so glad you're alright," she uttered breathlessly and held me painfully close to her chest, "If you ever do something like this again I will kill you with my own two hands."

"Mikasa, I can't breathe-" I gasped and she let go of me with a sad smile. "Do something like what? Seriously, where am I?"

She sighed heavily and ran her fingers through my hair silently, as though she was contemplating what she should tell me. I studied her face and noticed dark bags beneath her eyes that were even more pronounced because of how pale she had become. It looked like she hadn't slept for days. "You're in the hospital. Do you remember anything at all?" Her hand pressed into mine and it was shockingly bony; she hadn't eaten either.

Did I remember anything? I closed my eyes and furrowed my brows, trying to think back to the last memory I had. Cold. Dark. Wet. Rain? Driving… Why was I driving? "Mikasa, why was I driving…?" I caught her eyes with my own and recoiled at the familiar abundance of pain I saw. I had been driving because of her, because of me. They were dead. "Oh… Oh my God."

Mikasa lowered her head and wordlessly gripped my hand tighter within her own. The last thing that I properly remembered was getting out of my car, everything from that point on was a jumble of voices and sensations that I couldn't interpret. What did I do to end up here? I was scared to ask. "M-Mikasa. What did I do? Please tell me what you know. The last thing I remember is getting out of the car. How did I end up here?"

She bit her lip hard and let out a sigh as she rubbed her thumb up and down the back of my hand. "I don't know exactly what happened from the time that you left the house until you called me," I called her? "but what I do know is that you… You jumped." My heart skipped a beat and I swallowed hard. "Someone managed to see you and called an ambulance and got on the phone with me from your phone. I don't know how you survived, but you did. I guess it was raining so hard that the water level rose and when you jumped it was close enough to you that you didn't suffer any fatal injuries. I don't know if someone jumped in to get you or if the current took you to the bank, but when I got there they were already resuscitating you." Her voice cracked in the middle of "resuscitating" and she stopped and squeezed my hand. A single tear rolled down her cheek and my heart sank. "You were unconscious for three days." The next thing she said was nothing more than a whisper, "You tried to kill yourself."

My head spun. Even though I still couldn't remember everything, I knew that she was right.

Why was there an area deep in my mind that was disappointed that I hadn't succeeded? That was enraged that I couldn't even properly kill myself?

"Anyway… Given the circumstances, there is one thing that I should probably tell you right now." I raised an eyebrow curiously. "They want to check you into a psych ward for a month. Between mom and dad passing and your… suicide attempt, everyone feels that it may be best."

"Wait, is that how this works? Isn't there some sort of three-strikes-and-you're-out deal? What if I feel better now?"

"You don't, Eren. You woke up once before this, if I could even call it waking up. You opened your eyes when the nurse was fixing an IV in your arm and asked her why you weren't dead. She didn't really know what to say so she told you that they had saved you and you passed back out after saying 'Fuck.'"

Fuck.

"What now, then? Are they going to let me out so I can get my stuff?" I inquired with a little bit more anger than I had hoped for. "I just want to go home."

She shook her head and motioned toward a bag that sat on the floor beside her feet. "I already got what you needed. They don't allow zippers, anything with strings, spikes, anything that dangles or hangs… You are allowed your own clothes but only three pairs. I grabbed stuff that you would be okay with."

This was too much. In the course of three days I had lost 66% of my family and my freedom to boot. My throat was still burning, my head was swimming, and I was so incredibly tired. "Okay, Mikasa," I finally gave in, "but could I rest for a little bit? I'm tired." When she nodded and motioned to get up, I stopped her quickly and pleaded, "No, would you stay with me? I don't know how much I'll be able to see you from now on. I'll miss having you around to watch out for me, as much as I act like I hate it." Her eyes filled with tears and my eyes closed to the sight of her sitting back down and smiling a worn smile that was far beyond her years.

 

* * *

 

"Goooood morning, Eren!" An entirely too cheery voice rang out above my face and I groaned. When I opened my eyes to white-washed walls and artificial light, it took me a moment to remember where I was. Mikasa was no longer in the seat that she had been when i dozed off; instead, there was a short young woman with blonde hair that reached just below her shoulders. "Are you ready to get going? My name is Petra and I'm going to be your case worker for the next few weeks! It's 8 AM, time to get you checked in and situated."

8 AM? I wasn't going to survive this. She disconnected me from the IV and various other devices connected to my body and helped me out of my bed and into the hallway. My knees shook and buckled under the weight of my body. I supposed that it made sense to be weak after nearly dying and being bedridden for three days. Petra slid an arm beneath my arms to help support me and then spoke again. "I'm going to show you to your room. You will have one roommate during the entirety of your stay here. I'm going to let him show you around and help you get familiar with how things work. It'll be good for you to have someone to talk to right off the bat in here, and it'll be good for him to… Well, talk to people." I looked up at her quizzically but she just stared ahead and smiled. After a few twists and turns we arrived at a tall set of double-doors with a keypad attached to the side. Petra stepped in front of it, entered a short code, and pushed the door open before motioning for me to come in. She closed it hard after I stepped over the threshold. "Now, Eren, if you would step over to that window, I'll get you all set up."

The window consisted of two sliding panes of glass that separated the room from the small office within. Petra appeared within it before I had even realized that she left my side and I jumped. She chuckled a little bit and leaned over the counter. "Alright. I'm going to need you to empty your pockets and lay everything on the counter. We're going to hold them for you, since extra items aren't allowed in the ward. When I have everything put away, I'm going to give you some clothes that I'll need you to wear for the next couple of hours until we can check your bag and clothes - ward policy, nothing to do with you personally. It’s just a hospital gown." I nodded and dumped everything on my person out on the counter: a water-damaged pack of gum, a few scraps of paper, my (now ruined) wallet, and a lighter. When I placed the lighter in front of her, she quirked an eyebrow and asked, "Do you smoke?"

I shook my head. "No, it's just good to have a lighter. I mean, you never know when you'll need it."

Her eyes narrowed a bit and she sat back in her chair after she collected my belongings and placed them into a plastic bag. "Alright. Regardless, just so you're aware, there is no smoking in the ward. We can supply patches but, for obvious reasons, cigarettes are forbidden." When I nodded, her cheery disposition returned, she slid a folded blue and white gown into my hands and pointed to a room directly across the hall from the window. "Go change and when you're back I'll show you your room.

The door was heavy and it took me more effort than I had expected to open it. The room was small and had only a wooden bench attached to a wall and a mirror that laid behind a thick pane of plexiglass. I had to turn away from it when I saw my reflection without clothes. I looked terrible. The bags beneath my eyes rivaled the ones under Mikasa's and small bruises peppered my skin. The bones in my chest were so much more pronounced, too. I pulled on the uniform and left as quickly as I could.

After I balled up my clothes and gave them to Petra, she returned to my side and led me to a hallway with about five doors on each side. We stopped at the second door on the right and she looked me in the eye. "He does this with everyone, he has nothing against you personally. It's just how he is, but he really isn't a bad person. Try to get through to him, okay? You guys are going to be together for a while." Cryptic. For the first time I felt nervous. That was the second thing that she had said about this kid that gave me reason to worry. Once again I looked at her curiously and, once again, she pretended not to notice. Before I had time to protest, she knocked hard on the door and called "Alright Levi, this is your new roommate Eren! Give him a tour and show him the ropes!" When the door opened, she pushed me in and closed the door quickly behind me.

"Ah… Hello?"


	4. First Impressions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EREN FINALLY MEETS LEVI  
> AND LEVI IS A SASSY LITTLE THING  
> We all knew that he would be. :3 This chapter ended up being longer than I had expected it to be but it was so fun to write so I'm not complaining. This is EASILY may favorite chapter so far. Hope you guys enjoy it too.
> 
> Hydrophobia warning, again.

The look that he shot me the moment we made eye contact could have brought down an army. Much to my dismay, it terrified me so much that I couldn’t look away. The man that stood before me was short but the intensity in his eyes made me feel like an ant in comparison. His hair was black and parted down the middle with the underside shaved (I wondered how far up?) and it stood out against his pale skin. His shirt was the same color as his hair, a black crew-neck long-sleeved t-shirt that clung to his thin frame. His sweatpants, which were unsurprisingly also black, hung low on his waist because they didn’t have a string to keep them tight and fit rather close to his legs. I noticed a thin band of uncovered skin that resulted from his sweatpants hanging just a bit too low, and when I realized that I was staring, I reluctantly looked back up at his eyes.

We stood in silence for far too long, his eyes narrowed and cutting while mine were wide and filled with trepidation. I finally filled the silence by stammering, “I-I’m your new roommate, Eren.”

He continued to stare at me in silence, and just as I opened my mouth to repeat myself, he sighed heavily. “You’re an idiot. You realize that Petra already said that, right? I didn’t assume you were the fucking cleaning lady.”

My cheeks burned and I clenched my fists with indignation. “Well excuse me-” He shot me another look that shut me up almost immediately. “Ah, I mean... Could you show me around? I literally just got in and I really don’t have any idea where anything is.”

“I would assume that you would prefer to leave the room when your ass isn’t hanging out, Eren."

My cheeks burned again but I didn’t even bother trying to counter his comment. Suddenly everything that Petra had said to me made perfect sense. But really, Petra? He wasn’t a bad person? Good people, in my experience, generally greeted people with something other than “You’re an idiot.” Levi was a Grade A asshole and quite frankly, he seemed to revel in this fact. Without another word to him, I took a seat in the bed that looked the cleanest, under the assumption that it hadn’t been used and was therefore mine.

Nope.

“Oi, fucking brat, get your filthy ass off my bed,” he growled and I swear he channeled the essence of Satan within his voice. I stood up as quickly as I had sat and tripped into the other bed, biting my lip in the process. “You’re a real mess. What are you even in here for?”

My eyes watered and I tasted blood. Fantastic. “Is that a normal question to ask someone who was just admitted?”

“Are you going to answer it?”

I sighed heavily and fell back on the bed. “Jumped off a bridge a couple days ago. Is that the kind of answer you were looking for?” I peered over at him expecting to see some form of surprise or disgust on his face. Instead, I was presented with the most disinterested expression I had ever seen. He responded with a noncommittal shrug and fell back into his bed. We both stared at the ceiling in silence; I knew that there was no way that I would try to initiate conversation again.

Much to my surprise, he was the one that broke the silence. “The ward wakes up at 7:30 every morning. Medication is distributed up to four times a day: 9 AM, noon, 4 PM, and 8 PM. Noon medications are given in addition to lunch. Breakfast is at 8 AM every day. Group is at 9:30 and you’ll learn about that when we go. It’s mandatory. They check your vitals throughout the day. Dinner is at 5 PM. You’ll have personal therapy sessions at some point in the day, and they have recreational bullshit for us to do too. Lights out is at 11 every night. I warn you, sleep and I aren’t well acquainted. You’ll learn to deal with it.” I felt his eyes on my face and I closed my eyes in a fruitless attempt to ignore it. “There’s a lot about this place that I can’t explain to you, you’re going to have to experience it yourself. It’ll take a little while for you to get used to it; most newbies take a week to get fully situated with everything. When I can walk you around without worrying about you flashing everyone in the ward, I’ll introduce you to everyone.”

When I finally looked over at him, his gaze had returned to the ceiling. “Thanks,” I murmured, and when he didn’t acknowledge it, I continued, “you never told me what you were in here for.”

“And I don’t plan on it.”

That was the end of that.

 

* * *

  


Petra returned within the hour with my clothes and I couldn’t have been more pleased with her timing. Levi had not spoken a word since he refused to entertain my curiosity, and the hour that we spent staring at the whitewashed ceiling had been filled with a bizarre tension. I must have had a pronounced frown on my face because she looked at me with sympathetic eyes and put a knowing hand on my shoulder. “Don’t get discouraged.” She stepped out of the room directly after she handed my clothes to me.

I stared after her incredulously, glanced at Levi, then shrugged. When I peeled off my hospital gown and felt his eyes on me again. This time, however, I couldn’t ignore them. “Levi, do you have a reason for staring at me, or are you just doing it to make me uncomfortable?”

“Well, to be honest, I would really appreciate it if you turned around while you changed because you’re unnaturally scrawny and not particularly well-endowed.”

My mouth fell open and I searched for words to say to him. The only thing I could do was turn around and continue changing, so I did. Quickly. And self-consciously. The moment I finished pulling my shirt over my stomach, I heard Levi rise from the bed. “Alright, brat. Let’s go explore the ward.” A strong, bony hand gripped my shoulder a little bit too firmly and he led - no, pushed - me out the door and into the hallway.

“This is obviously the living quarters. Remember where our room is, alright? I really don’t want to have to scour the floor trying to find you because you’re too incompetent to find your way around a psych ward.” I huffed, irritated, but he ignored it completely and continued to push me down the hall. “Here we have the entertainment area, and I use entertainment loosely. Everyone generally spends their free time here because... well, it’s not like we have anything better to do.” The room was large and very open. A few small tables were set up with four or five chairs each, a television was mounted on the wall, and there were several stacks of playing cards in various locations around the room. After examining the room itself, I took notice to the people that inhabited it.

“Now pay attention, kid. You’re going to need to get used to these faces. I can promise you that I’m not going to want to deal with you for the majority of the time you’re here so I hope that you make friends fast. Oi, Jean, Marco, come here for a second!” Levi beckoned and a man made his way over, pushing another man in a wheelchair. The man in the wheelchair had a gentle face covered in freckles and dark hair, but the very first thing I noticed about him was that he was missing his right arm and leg. The one pushing him was tall and stared at me in a strange way.

“Well look at what we have here... Eren Jaeger.” I knew that voice. “Remember me, Jaeger? Probably not, you always were an airhead.” I studied his face hard for a moment and replayed the names that Levi had said. When I realized, I choked on my spit.

“Jean?” His smug smirk confirmed it. Why did I have to meet him here, of all places? “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Oh, I don’t know, I heard the food was good so I decided to give it a try.” His voice was thickly laced with sarcasm and anger bubbled up into my chest. “You’re such an idiot, Jaeger. Really. I always felt bad for Mikasa for having to deal with you. Speaking of which, how is that sister of yours? I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss her.”

“None of your fucking busine-” My vision was blurred with rage, but before I even realized that I was actively closing the gap between us, a thin yet sturdy arm barred me from moving any further. I had expected for Levi to enjoy Jean’s antagonistic insults, but his gaze was still disinterested- if not a little cold- when I looked at him.

The man in the wheelchair, who I assumed was Marco, finally spoke up. “Eren, I’m sorry for Jean. You seem to know each other, so you probably know that he doesn’t always think before he speaks. He means well, I promise. I’m Marco! I hope you enjoy your time here as much as you can. I’d say that it’s nice to see new faces, but in this situation, I don’t know that it is.” His smile was bright and contagious enough that even Jean couldn’t help but sheepishly grin.

“Alright, thanks. You guys can go back to whatever you were doing.” Levi pulled me away before I had a chance to say anything else and pushed me out of the room into another slightly larger one. “I’m glad you’ve already made yourself some friends. It’s pretty rare that anyone comes in here the same time that someone they know is checked in,” he made eye contact with me from the corner of his eyes, “They’re a thing, by the way. They don’t know that everyone knows, but Jean isn’t particularly subtle about anything he does. Don’t get too close to Marco unless you want to get your ass kicked.”

I choked on my spit and looked at him in disbelief while my eyes watered. “He’s gay? Since when? I didn’t know that. He used to have the worst crush on my sister, it was sickening. I couldn’t stand him and how self-assured he always was. When did he start batting for the other team?”

Levi rolled his eyes. “You ask like I pay attention to him. All I know is that they’re roommates in the room directly next to ours and they’re not particularly quiet about it. I don’t know how they haven’t been chewed out for violating the ‘no-touching’ policy.” Ironic, since I was almost positive that Levi’s fingers would leave bruises on my shoulder. “Quit asking me questions and focus on getting used to this place.”

“What happened to Marco?”

He stopped walking and stared at my face for a solid half-minute. His grip on my shoulder tightened. “You’re not good at listening, are you? Is there anything going on in that head of yours? I’m going to warn you right now, that’s not a question you should ask anyone. If you absolutely must ask, do it in private, because the nurses don’t take well to it.”

“But didn’t you ask me...?” The way his eyes narrowed cut me off and I nodded instead. “Okay.”

“This is the cafeteria. I told you the meal times earlier. The food’s shitty but it gets the job done. Even if you’re not hungry, eat something at every meal. The last thing we need is for them to peg you with an eating disorder.” He turned on a heel and walked back to the entertainment room and his grip was still tight on my shoulder. “Group, recreational therapy rooms, and a few regular therapy rooms are attached to this one. I’ll show you them when we need to go. You’re not going to anything today because it’s your check-in day and you got off to a particularly slow start anyway. Finally,” he pointed to a small hallway on the far side of the room, “back there is the ‘main office’ of sorts. You’ll get your meds from there, and if there is anything that you need, there is a nurse there at all times. Questions?” I shook my head. “Good. I’m going back to the room.”

“Can I come too?”

“I’m not your mother, kid. You can do whatever you want to do.”

“Okay, well...” He walked all the way back to the room and I bit my lip the entire way, trying to figure out how to phrase my next question so that he wouldn’t shoot me another toxic look, “You should tell me more about yourself. I mean, all I know about you right now is that your name is Levi.”

“That’s all you need to know. Besides, that’s about as much as I know about you too.”

“Okay, well... I’m eighteen, I have an adopted sister named Mikasa, and I go- er, went to Shiganshima High.” He continued to look entirely disinterested.

“So?”

“Can I at least have, like, a sentence?”

“No.”

We were plunged into another awkward silence that lasted for the rest of the day. Even during meals, when I sat beside him because I didn’t have anywhere else to go and there were still so many unfamiliar faces, he was silent. I wasn’t good at dealing with people like him. I was loud by nature, and spoke impulsively a lot. Levi’s stoic expression and personality made me reconsider every single time I opened my mouth to say something. I felt a morbid curiosity toward him for a number reasons, the biggest being that he obstinately refused to tell me anything about himself.

He was also the only person that I was genuinely worried about talking back to, and that was baffling. Mr. Bossard had been my teacher and had had authority over me that was tenfold what Levi, and it was obvious that I had no problem being snarky toward him. A single glance from Levi, however, could stop me in my tracks.

I began to wonder if what Petra expected from me was even possible.

 

* * *

  


11 PM rolled around too quickly. It was only when we were confined to our rooms that the reality my situation finally hit me. The lights switched off and as I laid back in the darkness, I was forced to face my own thoughts.

How had it gotten this bad? I was lying in a bed with a stranger across the room whose temperament probably intimidated everyone who worked in the ward. I knew nothing about him and yet he was the closest thing to a friend I had. I knew I had to relive the last three days over and over again for the next month while the therapists and counselors tried to “fix” me. I needed fixing. I was like a broken toy, damaged goods.

I wondered if Mikasa was okay. Her only family was in a hospital at least half an hour away from her because he had jumped off of a bridge after the death of his parents. She had nobody and it was my fault. I was easily one of the worst brothers of all time. What if she broke down? What if she cracked under the pressure of everything like I had? She wouldn’t even have me around to help comfort her.

I saw Mikasa’s face pulled under the waves; her eyes were filled with pain and her fragile hands reached for a me that wasn’t there.

“Eren.”

I couldn’t reach her no matter how hard I tried, even when I over extended my arm and felt my shoulder pop out of place, she was just out of reach.

“Eren!”

Tears stung my eyes. It was my fault. I couldn’t handle my problems and in turn created more for others. Mikasa was falling and I couldn’t save her, it was my fault and I couldn’t take back my actions. Would they find her? Would she end up here, an unfamiliar place that knows you only by what you’d done to end up there? She was so much better than that. I knew that she had always taken care of me but here, watching her sink, it hit me just how lucky I was to have her. Even when she was a child, just after she had lost her parents, she stuck up for me and loved me unconditionally. She never hurt me. I pushed her away so many times because of my pride, because I was more than capable of taking care of myself. I needed her, what the hell was I thinking?

“Oi, Eren! Hey. Wake up. It’s alright, everything’s alright. Wake up.”

My eyes flew open and the first thing I saw was Levi’s face bent over me, inches away from my own. He leaned back when I sat up.

“You were dreaming, Jaeger. Are you alright? You were yelling.”

“Yeah... Yeah. It was just a nightmare. I didn’t even realize I fell asleep. Did I wake you?”

“No, I was already up. I told you earlier, sleep and I don’t get along. You were only asleep for an hour or two.”

I took a deep, shuddering breath and rested my head in my hands. My cheeks were still damp with tears and I could only imagine how red my eyes must’ve been. While I wiped them on my shirt, Levi slid onto my bed and leaned against the wall near the foot of the bed with his legs crossed in front of him.

“I’m twenty-six. I’ve been here for a while, I’ve lost track of exactly how long. I don’t have OCD but I swear, if you’re messy, Jaeger, we’re going to have a serious problem.”

I raised my head and studied the outline of the side of his face in the dark. I couldn’t see his features, where he was looking or if his face was contorted in disgust at feeling inclined to talk to me.

“That was your sentence. I even threw in two extra for good measure.”

“Levi... Thanks. You really didn’t have to...”

“Don’t ruin it, brat. Accept it before I regret it, and don’t expect anything else.”

He was so strange. No, strange wasn’t the proper word. He was guarded and enigmatic. The only thing that knowing more about him had done was further my curiosity. I leaned back against the wall at the head of the bed, pulled my knees up to my chest, crossed my arms on top of them, and rested my chin on top. I couldn’t help but smile.

“Yeah. Thanks. I needed that.”

We stayed like that for at least another hour, sitting in a silence that was strangely less awkward than it had been numerous times throughout the day, just breathing and staring into the darkness and being alive.


	5. Never Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More sassy Levi. 
> 
> And another interesting interaction between them.
> 
> AND MORE CHARACTERS ARE INTRODUCED. 
> 
> Trigger warning, loves; if anything in the tags bothers you, just be weary. Hydrophobia warning again, too.

Just as I had expected, Levi was back to his cold, unapproachable self when they woke us up the next morning. Part of me desperately wanted to say something to him about it and use it as a segue into actual conversation, but the rational half of me knew that my attempts wouldn’t be welcomed with opened arms. He stood and changed silently, and I couldn’t help but watch.

He was small in every aspect; he couldn’t have been any taller than 5’4 and he was quite thin. It didn’t look unhealthy; he actually had more muscle than I had expected. It explained why he pushed me around so easily yesterday, and why he stopped me from slugging Jean with a single arm. One specific thing stood out to me as I watch him peel off his shirt: his pale skin was littered with scars. Some were thin, some were deep, some were long, and there were others that were undoubtedly burn marks from cigarettes.

“Oi, brat, if you keep staring I’m going to have to start charging. Get ready so we aren’t late.”

I turned away quickly when I felt myself blushing. Why was I blushing? Why was I so fascinated with his scars? What were his scars from? A sigh escaped my lips and I changed quickly in hopes that I could take my mind off of my burning curiosity. “What’s breakfast like?”

“Shitty.”

I turned back around and frowned. “I’m serious. I’m starving.”

“What’d you get? I mean, most of the food is pretty self-explanatory, and there’s different things to drink. They have coffee; I’m personally a tea person.” I nodded, then he quickly added, “Don’t eat the eggs. As much as I would love to see your face when you take that first bite, I really wouldn’t wish it on anybody.”

I followed him to the cafeteria and sat beside him. The silence was becoming easier to handle, though I still craved human interaction more than anything. Just as I put a spoonful of Fruity Pebbles into my mouth, a hand thumped my back and I swallowed roughly half of my mouth’s contents whole while my milk ejected itself from my nose. Jean sat beside me wearing his customary shit-eating grin and all I could do was glare because my throat was on fire.

“Disgusting, Eren. You think you could eat your food next time?” Levi sneered and Jean followed it up with laughter that made me want to punch him.

“I would’ve been perfectly fine if this idiot hadn’t come along. I don’t even think I’m physically capable of finishing n-”

“You’re not going to finish that?” A low, whispered feminine voice rang from behind me and I jumped, “Could I have it? I won’t tell anyone, I promise!”

The girl moved to sit opposite of me at the table and watched my breakfast with a nearly barbaric hunger in her eyes. “Uh... yeah? Knock yourself out.”

“No. Sasha, quit mooching off of the new kids. They don’t know any better.” Levi mouthed ‘later’ when we made eye contact and I assumed he meant that he would explain the situation in depth. I nodded and looked back at the girl.

“Hey, Sasha. My name’s Eren. I’m Levi’s roommate, I just checked in yesterday.”

Her eyes widened. “Levi’s roommate? You mean you survived the night?”

Levi looked up from his cereal with another one of his patented death glares and she sunk down into her seat. “I mean, nice to meet you, Eren. You’ll get settled in really quick.”

I shot her a smile and nodded. “I hope so. Anyway... I’m really not hungry anymore. When do we get to go back to our rooms?”

“We don’t,” Jean interjected, “After breakfast is group. That lasts for an hour.”

I regarded him with a sarcastic smile of appreciation. I circled my meal choices for lunch, dinner, and tomorrow’s breakfast on the menus we were all given, and played with my cereal in the bowl until one of the nurses emerged from the short hallway between the cafeteria and the entertainment room. “Breakfast is over everyone; It’s time for group! Make sure your trash ends up on top of the meal carts along with your trays, and stay in an orderly line while we walk.”

Just to see what kind of reaction I would get, I stood up and put away both my and Levi’s trays; unfortunately, I just turned around to see that Levi was already well on his way out of the room and I had to run to catch up. When he had told me not to expect anything more, he had really meant it, I noticed with disappointment.

We all sat in a large circle in an empty room attached to the entertainment room. I situated myself between Levi and a small blond boy who sat with his body drawn into itself. Looking around, I recognized a few faces, including Sasha, Jean, and Marco; but the vast majority consisted of people that Levi hadn’t introduced me to or didn’t pay much attention to.

A tall, olive-skinned woman with goggle-type glasses and dark hair sat down. After a quick scan of the room and our faces, she grinned. “Good morning, everyone! I see a new face so we need to go around and introduce ourselves so that we all can get to know each other better. We’ll go around the circle; tell us your name and something about yourselves. I’ll start!” It was amazing how eager she was to talk to us. The smile hadn’t left her face since she had entered the room. “My name is Hanji, I’m one of the counselors here. I love being here and working with you guys; there is nothing else I’d rather be doing!”

As the people around the circle started introducing themselves, I watched Levi from the corner of my eye. This will be interesting, I mused. The only reason why he had told me anything about himself was because I had been an absolute mess last night. If I had slept through the night, the only thing that I would’ve known about him now was his name and I’m sure that it would’ve stayed that way for as long as possible. I doubted that anyone in the ward knew much about him unless they dealt directly with him and his files. Levi matched my gaze and I looked away quickly to pay attention to the group again.

Sasha spoke next. “My name is Sasha and I used to go hunting with my father all of the time. It was our favorite thing to do together.”

Jean rolled his eyes and muttered, “I’m Jean and before I came here, I was ranked 6th in my class.” Just like him to boast about his accomplishments.

“I’m Marco and I’ve been told that I would do well being a counselor. I think that it’d be nice, I really enjoy working with people.” He smiled sunnily at Hanji and she returned it without a second thought.

The small blond boy beside me raised his head. “I’m Armin and I’ve always wanted to see the ocean.” His response was barely more than a whisper and I noticed that he was physically shaking. I would have to ask Levi about him later.

“My name’s Eren and I have an adopted sister named Mikasa. I’ve known her since we were babies and we were friends even before she was a part of my family. My sister is literally my best friend.” The most interesting thing about me was my sister. I’d have to remember to tell her that.

It was Levi’s turn. “I’m Levi. I can’t stand dirt.”

Without thinking, I sighed heavily in disappointment. He turned his head to me and raised an eyebrow. “Yes?”

I opened my mouth and scrambled for a way to respond, but luckily, Hanji intervened before I got to say anything. “Excellent! Let’s get started. Today’s topic of discussion is goals. Would anyone care to start us off? What are your goals? For today, the next month, the next year, or even more long-term than that. Anyone?”

The room was silent for a few moments before Marco finally began. “Well, before the end of the year, I’d like to see if I could give prosthetics a try so I could walk again.” I could hear the genuine hope in his voice and the quickest and most minute movement, I watched Jean squeeze his hand with a small smile.

“This month, I’d like to see my dad or maybe my friend, Connie. My goal is to get them to come and see how well I’ve been doing,” Sasha declared.

“When I get out of here, I want to go back to school and work on getting my class rank up again, maybe to four or three this time.” Jean had always been competitive so his answer didn’t surprise me. What did surprise me, however, was the fact that Armin spoke next.

“A long term goal of mine is traveling the world. I’ve only ever been out of state once but there is so much that I’d love to see.” He was still timid, but there was a detectable amount of determination in his voice that automatically made him sit a little straighter in his chair and gave him more of a presence.

I decided to go next. “This is just a goal for today, but I just want to get through everything in the schedule without problems and I want to remember it for tomorrow so I’m not as dependent on everyone else to show me around.”

Hanji nodded enthusiastically. “That’s great! You catch on quickly, Eren. You’ll get used to this place quickly, I promise. Levi, you’re the only one that hasn’t said anything. What’s one of your goals?”

I watched his face. As expected, he answered without his expression changing in the least, “I’d really like to sleep tonight.” Hanji accepted the answer and immediately started talking about the importance of goals in our daily lives and how they would help us recover and stay healthy when we got out. I continued to study Levi’s features until he wordlessly turned his head and made direct eye contact with me, and I couldn’t tell if his statement dealt with my interruption last night or his own personal demons.

Group ended much quicker than I had expected it to, but it was only after we were let out that I realized that I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts that I hadn’t actually caught any of Hanji’s discussion following Levi’s statement.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful; in fact, it was boring. What Levi had said on the first day had proven to be true: there really wasn’t much to do outside of what the schedule had planned for us. Between vital checks, medication distributions, and recreational therapy sessions, I ended up in one of two places: sitting in the entertainment room with Marco, Jean, Armin, Sasha, or a mixture of one or more of them; or back in the room with Levi or alone. Levi had a habit of leaving the room and seemingly vanishing completely. He rarely went to the entertainment room, so when he wasn’t in our room, I really didn’t have the foggiest idea where he was. It wasn’t as as though he ever told me anything and it wasn’t my place to ask (regardless of how curious I was); we weren’t exactly friends.

The next few days followed the same schedule with impressive precision. Wake up, breakfast, group, free time, one-on-one therapy, lunch, free time, recreational therapy, vital checks periodically, medication distributions, the list went on. Every day was the same until Saturday, four days after I checked in.

 ***

Group started the same way it always did, with Hanji welcoming us with small talk to get us used to each other and the environment before she launched into her “daily topic.” Today was a follow up to our “goals” discussion, and we spoke in the same order that we had on the day that we had established our goals. Marco explained that he wanted to do research while he was still checked in the ward so he could immediately look into prosthetics when he left. Sasha had gotten in touch with her father and he would be coming within the next week to see her; she made another goal to find Connie. Jean muttered beneath his breath that because he wasn’t allowed to get homework, he couldn’t do much as far as school went. He did, however, help Marco research, he recalled with slightly more enthusiasm.

Armin was the next to speak up. “Well... I couldn’t do much to really make my goal come true. I have been reading, though. I’ve wanted to go to the ocean for such a long time. I love to read so I was looking at some of the stuff lying around here and I found one that had a ton of pictures of the ocean and paragraphs of information that was absolutely intriguing.” Armin’s face had immediately lit up when he started talking about reading and the ocean. He no longer hunched into himself and the same hope that Marco had possessed was absolutely radiating off of him. “I decided that I want to see the Pacific Ocean. Hawai’i would be ideal, because the coral reefs look beautiful! The only problem is that past the reefs, the ocean is so deep. It’s scary to think about. There were pictures of huge drop-offs that went down miles underwater. Light only goes so far down in the water. You couldn’t see the bottom even if you tried.”

I pleasantly imagined his descriptions until the last sentence that he uttered. My thoughts immediately went back to the night that I had stood on the bridge and looked down into the river. The water had been so dark under the clouds that it had looked black. It had seemed bottomless. Thinking back, everything had seemed bottomless. My existence at that exact moment had felt bottomless.

My nightmare from the first night I spent in the ward flooded into my mind before I could stop it and I saw Mikasa’s face in that dark water again. Her eyes were pained; it was the same face that I had seen before I left the house. The face she made because of the words that I had said to her. My chest tightened uncomfortably.

“Eren? Are you alright? Did you accomplish your goal?”

I blinked myself into reality and when I looked around, the entire group was staring at me. Hanji’s smile was gone and she looked worried; Levi’s eyes were narrowed as though he was trying to read me through my facial expressions and body language. “Hmm? Oh, I’m sorry, I was daydreaming,” I replied with a quick smile, “I accomplished my goal well! You were right, I got used to the ward quickly. The schedule isn’t that bad at all.”

My chest was still aching and it felt like my heart was about to explode. I must’ve hidden it well, though, because Hanji grinned again and resumed the group discussion without questioning me. I still felt Levi’s eyes on me but I didn’t return the stare. In all honesty, I wanted nothing more than to just get out of the room and remove myself from the company of everyone else. The room suddenly felt entirely too small for all of us; claustrophobia gripped my lungs and made it hard to breathe. It was all I could do to stop myself from hyperventilating right there because I didn’t want anyone to ask about it or worry about me. A familiar exhaustion had blanketed my body and the very idea of talking about it with anyone drained me.

Group ended too slowly and the rest of the day was no different. I had originally hoped that the daily activities would alleviate what I had been feeling but I had no such luck. Mikasa’s face burned into my thoughts.

 ***

After dinner, I ended up going back to my room early. For the first time, I was relieved when I saw that Levi wasn’t there. The urge to be alone was overwhelming. I fell into my bed and covered my face with my hands. Something felt terribly, terribly wrong. My breathing was heavy and my heart was still racing. As a result, my hands... No, my body was shaking. I was shaking like a leaf. Images from this morning still raced through my head and everything hurt so much.

I didn’t want to do this anymore. Any of this. It was the same thing every day in this ward. I wasn’t living. Everything still hurt and I had nobody here. Everything that had crossed my mind that night still applied. At home, there would be bills to pay and things to plan and so much to do. Mikasa was doing  everything alone while I sat in this hospital doing nothing every day. I was still a bad brother.

The pain in my chest increased. I couldn’t do this anymore.

A frantic search of the room. This would be hard; they knew how to stop this kind of behavior. I needed to be crafty. I needed to be fast.

I removed my arms from my shirt but kept it around my neck, then tied a messy, makeshift knot around the bedpost. Pulled it tight.

Chest was still tight. Breathing was fast, harder to breathe. Dizzy.

Black nipped at the corners of my vision and just as I felt myself slipping I saw a familiar figure at the door.

“Eren! Eren, fuck!”

The pressure on my neck disappeared and I felt warmth against my cheek and my back.

“Fucking brat, I swear to God...”

I opened my eyes slightly because that was the only thing I had enough energy to do. Levi had seated himself on the floor with his knees up underneath me to support my back while his fingers pressed for a pulse on my neck. Opening my eyes prompted him to pull me into his chest and wrap his arms around me tightly.

“Eren, don’t ever... Brat... Fuck. You have no idea how much that scared me. Don’t do that again, don’t ever do that again.”

Was I dreaming? Was I dead? This wasn’t a Levi I was used to. He pulled me closer against his chest and rested his forehead against the top of my head so that I couldn’t see his face. His body was a lot warmer than I had imagined it would be, and I felt a wall of lean muscle against my body that explained his strength. After I took a few deep breaths to fill my lungs again, I mustered up the strength to shift slightly in his arms. When I settled again, I noticed that he was trembling. It was very slight, barely a sensation at all, but it was undeniably there. I didn’t know for sure if he was he was crying, irritated, upset, or just cold and shivering, but I knew that he deserved at least something.

When I had enough energy to do so, I breathed, “I’m sorry, Levi.”

The muscles in his body relaxed and a sigh of relief escaped his lips before he could hold it back. “Fuck you, Eren. Fuck you. Next time something bothers you this much, tell me. Don’t ever let me see you like this again or I will fucking kill you myself, especially if you make me get on this disgusting floor again.”

I managed a breathy chuckle. “Mikasa said the same thing.”

“Smart sister of yours. Let her know that you’re mine first, yeah?”

I wasn’t entirely sure what he meant by the wording of the last sentence he uttered, but it cycled through my head endlessly as I succumbed to exhaustion against his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next? CONFLICT. EHEHEHEH. About time I gave this some structure. Hope you all enjoy it so far~
> 
> Eren will learn about Levi soon. He will also learn about the others soon (which means that you will learn about what's wrong with them too, if you haven't already.)


	6. Mixed Signals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may or may not be crying because of how insanely sweet you all have been. Your comments have left me a grinning like an idiot SO MANY TIMES. I appreciate you all taking the time to read and comment more than you could ever understand! 
> 
> Anywho. This chapter has some really fantastic shipping feels. Like, legitimate ones that I liked writing.  
> And the start of conflict. ;D

When I woke up again and managed to open my eyes, my head was pounding and my neck ached. I shifted my body so that I was lying on my side and noticed that I was back on my bed. It was still dark, and the the occurrences of a few hours ago were still fresh, though slightly fuzzy, in my mind. Levi must’ve put me to bed after I passed out.

Levi. My eyes adjusted to the dark within minutes and I scanned his bed to see if he was still awake. Unsurprisingly, he was. He leaned against the wall the way that he had when he had sat in my bed, and it took me a few moments to realize that the pale red glow near his face was from a cigarette.

“Wait, how did you get that? Cigarettes are forbidden.” I, myself, sounded like I had been smoking for at least 75 years. My voice was completely shot.

“Connections. They’re cloves, don’t smell like regular ones.”

It was true, they produced a sweet scent that I had never associated with cigarettes before. “Can’t the nurses smell it anyway? It’s a weird smell for a psych ward.”

“When I say connections, kid, I mean that I have connections in the staff. I’ll be good for now, for tonight. You need some?”

I shook my head and winced at the sharp pain that shot up my neck. “I don’t smoke.”

“Let me know if you reconsider,” He took a long drag and exhaled slowly and carefully toward the wall away from the door before he continued, “How’re you feeling now? You slept for three hours, barely moved at all. Must’ve taken a lot out of you.”

“My neck hurts and I sound like what you’ll sound like in fifty years.”

“And yet you’re still a sassy little brat.”

I smirked and he rolled his eyes, unsuccessfully holding back a hint of a smile. “You’re probably going to have some bruising around your neck, you know.”

“Yeah. I’m hoping that it’s low enough that I can try to hide it with the collar of my shirt. But... Levi, could you... Not tell anyone? I don’t want to be here any longer than I need to be and this would probably get me on 24-hour watch or something.”

I heard a sigh so faint that I wasn’t entirely sure if it was a sigh or just another exhale. “I won’t say a word, Eren. But I mean it, don’t do it again.” He furrowed his brow, contemplating something, then asked, “This is purely out of curiosity because I really couldn’t give less of a shit, but during group you spaced out while Armin was talking. It was the ocean, wasn’t it? Was it the water that triggered you?”

I nodded and flipped onto my back to stare at the ceiling. “It was when he was talking about how deep the ocean was. The river under the bridge was dark like that. Remember the night you woke me up? It was a dream about Mikasa drowning and I saw that again while he was speaking. It just brought back all of the stuff that I dealt with the night that I... Tried to kill myself.” Even after a week, it still felt so uncomfortable to admit that I had attempted suicide, but Levi nodded and caught my eyes with a look of understanding.

“I figured. You know, it sounds like that sister of yours loves you to death, from what I’ve heard about her. Don’t take that for granted. You’re lucky to have family that loves you, no matter who that family happens to be. Not everyone is that lucky.”

“I know... I feel better now, though. Everything just hit me at once and it was hard. I’m okay now. But... What about your family, Levi?” He looked away and silently took another drag on his cigarette. A hint for me to drop the subject. “Okay... Well, you never told me about everyone in the ward, you know. Especially Sasha. Think you could entertain my curiosity before I go back to sleep?”

“Do I look like I’m just here to entertain you?”

“Please?”

“Ugh, fucking brat. Fine. I live to serve you, after all. Now, just realize that I don’t work on the ward and all of this is just what I’ve heard. It’s all very bare-bones, too. Ask them if you really want to know about them. As I said before, you just need to be careful around the nurses. Patients here are generally pretty open about themselves, though.

“Sasha came in with a pretty bad eating disorder. Bulimia, I believe. She had a major issue with binge eating; I heard that she could clean out an entire refrigerator in like, a half hour and still have room for more. She had ended up in some kind of argument with her father that prompted her to check herself in and she’s making progress. It’s slow, but it’s progress.

“Marco, like you, tried to kill himself. I’m not sure what prompted it. Yes, I know, it’s a shocker because he’s so damn upbeat and optimistic about everything. He’s been here longer than most people, and when he came in, he was a mess. He’s doing well, obviously. He lost his right arm and leg as a result of his suicide attempt but surprisingly enough, instead of pitying himself over it, he somehow used the situation to help himself get better. I don’t know how. Ask him yourself.

“I don’t know what that bastard Jean is in for. He’s got so much going on that I can’t even pinpoint one thing,” I sniggered in agreement and let him continue, “What I’ve heard is that he has PTSD. Something happened to him as a child that messed him up pretty bad and he recently started getting flashbacks. He's had a couple of bad episodes so far, none while you've been around.

“Armin attempted suicide; he has an incredibly low self-esteem and it seems like he has anxiety. The kid is incredibly intelligent but he doesn’t seem to see it at all. He checked in only a couple of days before you did, actually, so I don’t know a hell of a lot about him. It seems like a lot probably went on in his life to make him withdraw so much into himself. You’re friendly, right? Talk to him sometime. Anyway, those are the people that you’ve actually interacted with. Ah, and Hanji. Hanji is so obsessed with her job that it’s probably unhealthy. Everything about mental illness fascinates her. It’s fucking weird. Good enough for you, your majesty?”

I had closed my eyes to take it all in and when he finished, I sat up in my bed and faced him. “Yeah, thanks. I would’ve never guessed that Marco was here for that. Jean too. But what about you, Levi? You’re the only one whose reason for coming is a mystery to me.”

“I’ve told you before that it’s going to stay that way, kid.” I watched him take another pull on the cigarette and hold it before releasing the sweet-smelling cloud into my corner of the room.

“Hey, could I try it?” I’d be lying if I said that he didn’t look terribly cool while he sat against the wall, looking completely disinterested, while he pressed the thin black cigarette to his lips. On top of that, it really did smell good.

“Sure. You're going to have to come here, because I’m not moving.”

He motioned for me to sit in front of him, so I slid off of my bed and I did. Levi took another long puff and brought it almost down to the filter, exhaled most of it, then held out the hand with the cigarette toward me. I reached for it, but before I could even think to grab it, his hand fell beneath my chin. In one fluid motion he tilted my head up and he leaned forward until his lips were pressed to mine.

I’m not sure if I was too tired, too stunned, too confused, or my head was just swimming from the nicotine, but when he parted my lips with his own and gently exhaled smoke into my mouth, I inhaled without fighting back. It was heavy in my lungs but made my head feel pleasantly light, as though I was floating. He pulled away long enough to let me exhale and pulled me in again just as quickly. Once again he parted my lips with his own, but this time he let me taste the sweet smoke on his tongue. Instead of the smoke, I breathed him in.

Lightheaded and pleasantly fuzzy, I wasn’t entirely sure what to do. Levi ran his fingers through my hair while his other hand extinguished the cigarette on the dingy metal frame of the bed, then that hand cupped my cheek after tossing the butt to the floor. His tongue traced along mine and he sucked for a moment on my lip, pulled away for a split second to breathe, pressed his lips to mine a final time, then leaned back so that just our foreheads were touching and we were making eye contact.

There was an intensity in his gaze that told me to just stay silent. Without a word or even a movement I returned his stare even though every inch of my being was confused (along with a myriad of other emotions that I couldn’t even begin to identify). I was shaking like a leaf, but Levi didn’t comment on it. Instead, he leaned back away from me and his expression returned to being distant and blank. “Not the best cigarettes that I’ve ever had, but they’re alright. Get off of my bed now, brat. You need sleep, you look like hell.”

The change had been nearly instantaneous and had caught me completely off-guard. Everything had caught me off-guard. I returned to my own bed without arguing and slid into to my position on my back with my eyes closed. He was right, I needed sleep. It wasn’t as though I could properly analyze what had just happened in this state anything. One thought, however, did nag at the back of my mind while I nodded off:

That had been my first kiss.

 

* * *

 

The next morning was excruciatingly similar to the morning after I had had my nightmares. Levi acted as though nothing had happened at all, and I didn’t approach him about it.

The Sunday schedule was no different from the Saturday schedule, the Friday schedule, the Thursday schedule, or any of the schedules at all. The only difference was that I was mentally absent throughout all of the monotonous activities. I was so confused for so many reasons and I knew that there wasn’t a single person that I could really talk to about any of it.

How had Levi managed to completely ignore it all day? Was that a normal occurrence for him and I was just getting too worked up about it? Why had he done it, and what had been the purpose of the long, piercing look he had given me afterwards? Why had it made my heart race as much as it did? How much of those sensations were just the cigarette? (A part of me told me not much, but I didn’t want to believe it.) Levi was a puzzle with too many pieces missing and I had no means of finding them.

He knew everything about me and nearly everyone else in the ward, yet my knowledge regarding him was limited to his first name, his age, and the fact that he had a cleaning fetish. I didn’t even actually know how long he had been in the ward, even though he had (possibly) made an effort to tell me. I knew that his lips were soft and his tongue tasted of clove cigarettes; I knew the way his knee felt under my back and the way his chest felt against my head while his thin, strong arms held me steady. That was it. My curiosity still burned; I wanted to know why he was here, what had broken him and what had given him the scars that marred his skin.

During our free time before dinner, I decided to bring it up to the others to see if they had anything to contribute. Jean, Marco, Sasha and I had started meeting around a table every time we had free time, playing spades and talking about whatever was on our minds. The past two days had brought Armin as well, and he had finally gotten to a point that he was comfortable smiling and occasionally contributing to our conversations.

“Hey, guys, this is going to be a really weird question and I’m sorry, but...” I sighed heavily, finally committed to it, and continued, “What do you guys know about Levi? I mean, I’ve been his roommate for close to a week now and the only things I know about him are his age and that he’s a clean freak.”

“You know his age?” Jean asked incredulously, and when I nodded, Marco added, “Well, that’s more than we know. He doesn’t talk unless he needs to and he doesn’t talk about himself. Most of the time he isn’t even out here with the rest of us.”

“Huh. So you guys have no idea why he’s in here?” My question was answered by all of their heads shaking in unison. “Okay. Thanks anyway.”

“Why do you want to know, Eren?” Armin asked softly, and the way that he looked at me made me feel like he was staring directly into my soul, reading my thoughts.

I smiled and shook my head quickly. “No reason! It’s just weird being roommates with someone that I know nothing about.” He looked entirely unconvinced but didn’t prod any further. A small part of me was disappointed, but it was probably for the best.

I would have to figure Levi out myself through persistence. I would start with dinner, I decided.

The next half hour went by quickly; Armin beat us all twice for the third straight free period and Jean was irritated until Marco whispered something to him that made him smile and blush. I walked to the cafeteria by myself when we were called, hoping to find Levi.

When there was no sign of Levi ten minutes into dinner, I felt pangs of worry in my chest. It was unlike him for him to be late to anything that was mandatory, like meals. Had he fallen asleep? I needed to go get him, but the nurses patrolling the room would be a difficult obstacle to overcome. I scanned the room, looking for possible ways to escape, and my eyes fell upon Sasha. Perfect.

“Hey! Sasha!” I whispered just loudly enough that she turned around. “Could you do me a favor?”

“Sure, what do you need?”

“Could you keep the nurses busy? I need to run to the room for a second. Please? I’ll pay you back, I promise.”

She pondered my request for a moment then nodded. “I will. Could I have your toast tomorrow?”

“Half. There’s a reason why we aren’t supposed to share food.”

“Fair enough.” She winked and stood abruptly, knocking her entire tray of food over herself and the table ‘by accident’. Just as I had hoped, the nurses all ran over to tend to the mess and Sasha, who was now covered in meat loaf. I silently excused myself from the table and hurried back toward our room.

As I fast-walked down the hall, I heard Levi’s voice and immediately felt relief. He was okay and was indeed in the room... But who was he talking to? The patients were all in the cafeteria eating. A staff member? Why?

I slowed my pace and stopped just before the doorframe. With utmost care, I leaned ever so slightly into the doorway, just enough that I could see who was in the room.

Levi was sitting on his bed facing a tall, well-built man with short blond hair. He looked unnaturally dressy compared to most of the other nurses in the ward, wearing a pale blue button-up and black pleated dress pants. Levi was smiling and laughing -smiling and laughing?- and the man was doing the same. They sounded incredibly close. Who was he and why was Levi talking to him instead of eating?

It wasn’t my business, I realized. I had no right to ask and I had no right to feel this irritated that he wasn’t eating with me like he always did. I hurried back to the cafeteria without interrupting them and ate in silence.

On my way out of the cafeteria, Armin caught up to me and poked me gently in the side. “Could I talk to you for a second, Eren?”

“Oh... Yeah, sure. What’s up, Armin?” I forced a smile, knowing that moments ago I had looked fairly awful.

“Ah... Hold on.” He grabbed my arm and pulled me away from everyone else to the far wall of the entertainment room and we sat down. “Okay. I know it doesn’t have much to do with me, but you looked pretty hung up about it. What’s going on with Levi that has you so on edge?"

Damn. Levi was right, the kid was intelligent. Perceptive. “It’s really nothing.”

“I wouldn’t tell anyone, you know. I know everyone else about as much as you do because I only got here a few days before you came. It’s easy to talk to you because of that. It’s like we’re experiencing the same thing. You seemed really preoccupied while we were playing Spades and since it has to do with Levi, I don’t know what to expect.”

“He didn’t hurt me or anything, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“No, I didn’t think he did. What’s wrong, though?”

I sighed. “It’s... I don’t know. There’s just a lot going on in my mind and I wouldn’t even know where to start. It’s driving me crazy.”

“Like what? I’m more than happy to listen.”

What I had craved so much was sitting in front of me, finally. “What bothers me the most right now is that he knows everything about me and all of us but I... we know nothing about him. He has extracted information about myself from me so easily, without me even realizing it. I mean, I would’ve told him anyway, but that’s beside the point. He tells me nothing. I try so hard to break down the barriers and it’s all a waste of my time. I’m getting nowhere.”

“Why do you want to know so much about him, Eren?”

“That’s another problem. I don’t know. Most people would consider him an asshole. Well, he is an asshole. But I feel like there’s a reason why he’s an asshole. There have been a few times when I’ve almost broken through, when I’ve seen past the asshole,” Armin couldn’t help but giggle and I laughed as well, effectively lightening the mood, “but it always goes back to how it was. I don’t know, Armin. It’s just bothering me.”

“You know, Eren, it sounds to me like...” His voice trailed off and he studied my face carefully, eyes narrowed. “Mmm, nevermind. We’ll talk about that later. You should talk to him about it tonight. Even if he doesn’t give you a response, he’ll at least know that you’re still curious and you’re not going to give up.”

“Yeah, I think I will. Let’s go play some Spades before we sleep, yeah?”

Armin nodded cheerily and I accompanied him to the table, feeling significantly better than I had been feeling all day.

~

Yet again, Armin dominated the game and luckily for us, he got cut off halfway through another game when we were called back to our rooms.

The second I stepped into my room, however, I knew something was off. The bed was made but it wasn’t made to Levi’s standards. I opened his half of the dresser and was greeted by empty drawers. His clothing was gone. Had he checked out without telling me?

“Lights out, Eren.” A nurse warned and leaned into the room.

“Ah, wait. Where’s Levi?”

“Oh, you weren’t told? He requested to have his rooms switched. You’ve got this to yourself for a while, lucky you! Get to bed soon, and have a lovely night.”

He requested to have his rooms switched?

Lucky me...?


	7. Selfish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. At least now we know that they're definitely not emotionally stable.  
> Finally getting into some Levi stuff, which I'm excited for. He's such a fun character to deal with because he's so cold and his past is so open-ended.  
> Hope you guys like it. It's gonna start getting pretty "serious".
> 
> PS: I'll be on vacation from August 10-August 17. I will write but updates may be more delayed than usual. I'm sorry!

I didn’t sleep at all that night.

Nothing made sense anymore. Nothing made sense in the first place.

My day had begun with Levi’s taste in my mouth and it had ended with news that he had requested to switch rooms. He had _requested_ it; it wasn’t a decision made by the staff. He hadn’t even told me himself. What was I supposed to think? I didn’t know if he was tired of me, if he hated me, if he was angry that I let him kiss me, or that I let him walk in on me trying to kill myself. It was just another issue Levi that was a fucking mystery to me.

The night was spent staring at the ceiling like I had done so many times before. The only difference was the deafening silence that resulted from the absence of Levi’s breathing. My heartbeat was almost deafening and the circumstances made my chest hurt.

I needed to talk to Armin. At this point, he was the only person that I _could_ talk to. He had noticed that I was bothered when nobody else had, so it would’ve only been a matter of time before he’d approach me about this anyway.

This was the longest night I’d had to date.

 

* * *

 

I was dressed before they formally woke us up, and I was the first out of the bedrooms. I told myself it was because I wanted to talk to Armin as soon as possible, but I knew that I had ulterior motives. I wanted to know what room Levi was in and I selfishly hoped that he would emerge looking like his night had been as hellish as mine had been. I wanted to believe that he had spent his sleepless night staring at the ceiling, missing the steady breathing of the fucking brat that constantly worked on his nerves.

Armin and Levi emerged from their rooms at the same time and I used that to my advantage. Levi was walking four or five steps in front of Armin, so I started toward Armin, passing Levi in the process. He looked the same way he always looked: vaguely irritated that he was awake this early in the morning, tired, and otherwise expressionless. We made eye contact for a split second and I looked away. He didn’t make an effort to stop me or talk to me. We passed each other without a word.

I held back a sigh and approached Armin, fully aware that I couldn’t completely hide my disappointment. “Hey, Armin. Want to sit with me during breakfast? I’ve got some stuff to talk to you about regarding last night.”

It only took a moment for him to look at my expression before he nodded sagely. “Yeah, of course. I was planning on it anyway, actually.”

We grabbed our trays and after I gave Sasha half of my toast, I followed him to the side of the cafeteria opposite of where Levi sat.

“Okay, Eren. What happened? You look terrible.”

“I didn’t sleep at all last night.”

“Did he keep you up?”

“Not in the way that you’d think.”

He looked puzzled and I leaned over the table, holding my head in my hands. “Don’t repeat ANY of this to anybody. Okay?”

“Of course, Eren. I told you I wouldn’t.”

I sighed and started from the beginning, talking about my first impression of him, the way he showed me around the ward, when he woke me up and stayed up with me when I had the nightmare. The way our awkward silences became slightly more comfortable. How he sat with me every day without me needing to ask, even though he didn’t necessarily speak to me while he did it. When it finally came time for me to explain my suicide attempt, I crossed my arms on the table and buried my head in them.

“Two days ago I got really triggered during group. It didn’t get any better as the day went on and I ended up in a really bad state of mind. I don’t know if you knew this but I’m in here for attempted suicide,” he bit his lip and nodded, “so I ended up feeling the same way I did that night. I kinda lost control and... Ugh.” I rubbed my neck impulsively and he put a supportive hand on my back. “I tried to kill myself with my shirt and the bed and it was just a bad situation. He ended up walking in on it and the next thing I knew I was in his arms and he sounded so scared. I think he may have been shaking, but at that point I was half conscious.” I raised my head and watched Levi sip his tea, then looked back at Armin with a frown. “I’ll never forget the look on his face when he opened the door, Armin. It reminded me of Mikasa, something about it reminded me of Mikasa.”

He remained silent, knowing that I wasn’t done and that there wasn’t much he could say yet. I continued, “I guess I passed out for three hours. When I woke up, he was still up. We talked for a little while, he told me a little bit about everyone but himself, naturally. The whole time he had been smoking, so-”

“Wait, how? Aren’t cigarettes confiscated when you get in?”

“He said he had connections. I don’t know what he meant but he said it. So when I woke up he was already smoking. He offered if I wanted one, right? I declined but after he stopped talking they smelled so good- he called them cloves or something, they didn’t smell like regular cigarettes so that the nurses on the ward wouldn’t suspect anything- so I asked if I could try it. He told me to get on his bed and he held it out but when I went to grab it...” Just talking about it made me remember the way his lips had felt against mine and how sweet they had been, but it was a bittersweet memory that perpetuated my confusion. “He like... He kissed me and blew the smoke into my mouth.”

“Shotgunning?” Armin stared at me with his eyebrows raised, and when I countered it with questioning eyes, he elaborated, “That’s what it’s called. When people blow smoke into someone else’s mouth and they inhale it. Wow. I wouldn’t have expected that from him.”

“That’s not everything.”

“Hm?”

“He actually kissed me afterwards. He pulled away until I exhaled it and then he kissed me again.”

“Like... Define kiss.”

“I tasted the cigarette on his tongue, Armin. While his tongue was in my mouth. When he pulled away he just stared at me for a little while. The worst part was that I didn’t fight him. I don’t know what was going through my mind, but I let him do it and it bothered me for the rest of the day. I guess it might just be because it was my first kiss but I couldn’t get it out of my head. He acted like it didn’t happen.”

“Your first kiss was with Levi,” Armin stated in a monotone and his face twisted, deep in thought.

“It doesn’t stop there. Levi didn’t come back to the room last night.”

“What do you mean?”

“He requested to transfer to another room. He, himself, requested it. Not a word to me. I heard it from a nurse. I don’t know what I did, Armin! I don’t know if he left because I bothered him or he regretted kissing me or he hated me or didn’t want to deal with my shit after he walked in on me trying to kill myself. _I don’t get it_.” I groaned and rubbed my temples irritably; Armin rubbed my back when the nurses weren’t looking.

“Eren, I’m going to ask you something, don’t get angry with me.”

“Okay...?”

“Do you like him?”

“Well, I mean, he’s an ass, but he’s actually alright to talk to.”

“No, Eren. Do you like him?”

My mouth fell open and I looked at him, wide-eyed. “What? No! I’m straight, I think.”

“You think?”

“Well, I haven’t really dated anyone? I didn’t connect with many people at school. I’ve got a temper and people were intimidated that Mikasa was basically my bodyguard. Dating was never much of a priority for me. I figured it could wait until college or something.”

“So you’ve never thought that someone was cute before?”

“Sure I have! Levi isn’t exactly cute, though. Cute is big eyes and smiles and stuff. Levi doesn’t fit the image. He’s too lean and his arms are too strong. He looks skinny but he’s ridiculously strong. When he was holding me up that night, I really noticed it. There isn’t any fat on his body, it’s all muscle. It wasn’t uncomfortable or anything, he was warm, but his chest was just harder than I had expected. He has scars everywhere, did I tell you that? He was changing the other day and I was watching and they’re everywhere, some of them are so bad. I really want to know what happened. Wait, what’s that face for?” He had hidden his face in his hands with a snort.

“Eren, think about what you just said.”

My cheeks burned. “No, that’s not what I meant. I wasn’t watching him change... Ugh. I don’t like him, he’s an ass. This is normal. He’s a mystery, so I’m intrigued. The moment I figure out what’s up with him, I’ll be over it.”

“You’re not like this with anyone else, you know.”

“He’s different!”

Armin shook his head with another smile. “Okay, Eren. Whatever you say. Breakfast is almost over. See if anything changes in group; if not, we’ll figure something out.”

We sat through group in the same seats that we always did, I was situated between Armin and Levi for an hour and in that time, Levi said nothing to me. He watched me when I spoke, but otherwise acted as though I didn’t exist. Every piece of me wanted desperately to get his attention and force answers out of him to quiet the tumultuous waters of my mind. Armin seemed to pick up on this, and when I looked at him, he met my gaze and shook his head slowly with a look that said ‘ _Not yet_.’

The moment group ended, Levi stood and left. Most of us hadn’t even gotten up, me included. Armin poked my ribs hard with his index finger and pointed; I took the hint and followed him silently.

Levi was short but he was terribly quick. By the time I made it out of the room he was already halfway around the corner, going back to the rooms. I quickened my pace and watched him slip into the last room on the right. He didn’t completely close the door behind him, so I repeated yesterday’s actions and peeked into his room.

Once again, I saw Levi conversing with a tall, broad man.

“-No, Erwin. It was actually alright. It was the right decision. I don’t know if I could’ve handled being in the same room with him another night. Especially not after walking in on him like that. Absolutely not.”

“Are you going to need someone to stay with you tonight?”

“What, you think I need it? Erwin, you’ve known me for how long now? I’m not going to do anything. I’m over that, it doesn’t help me in the least. I’ve learned to focus on me.”

“I’d be more comfortable if there was someone here regardless. You don’t have a roommate and this isn’t an ideal situation. I’ve got night shift tonight, so it’s not like it’ll be someone that you’re uncomfortable around.”

“You’re a grown fucking man, do what you want. It’s not like you’ve ever listened to me before.” They both laughed together and I took that as my cue to go work through everything I had just heard, and figure out what I needed to do with Armin.

There was so much about that exchange that ate away at my thoughts. He was glad that he switched out of our room. Part of it was clearly my suicide attempt, but the “especially” told me that it was more than that. He had told whoever this “Erwin” was that I had tried to kill myself, even after he had promised not to. What made my heart sink the most was that tonight, Erwin would spend the night with Levi. Erwin was alright, but _my_ presence wasn’t satisfactory. That was it. It was a double standard. I was upset that it was a double standard. (Right?)

I returned to the entertainment room to find Armin playing Spades again with Marco, Jean, and Sasha.

“Hey guys, could I borrow him for a second?”

“Heeeeeey, Jaeger. Haven’t heard from you in a while. What’s up? You haven’t been around Levi since lunch yesterday. Did he finally get tired of you?”

Anger surged through my body and I swear I saw red. Armin stood up and took my arm quickly, uttering “Be back in a second!” while I gritted my teeth. He led me over to the area we had sat in the previous night and waited until I stopped shaking and had calmed down before he addressed me.

“You’ve gotta ignore him, Eren. He does it to get a rise out of you and you know it.”

“He knows exactly which fucking buttons to push. He’s lucky you were around, I would’ve broken his nose.”

Armin knew that it probably would’ve been the other way around but didn’t say anything about it. “Just ignore him. Talk to me. What happened?”

“Hold on. Do you know anyone named Erwin?”

“Yeah, he’s one of the nurses here. Tall, good-looking, reminds you a little bit of Prince Charming? The girls in the ward all love him. Why?”

“So, I didn’t tell you that during dinner yesterday I went to the room to get Levi because he wasn’t there. When I got there, he was talking to Erwin, so I went back. Just now, I followed Levi back to his room, and they were talking again. Levi said something about being glad that he switched rooms and it was obvious that he told Erwin that I had tried to kill myself even though I _explicitly_ told him not to. Then he told Levi that he didn’t want him to be alone tonight and I guess he’s going to stay with him and I’m just so pissed off. Everything about this is pissing me off.”

“Now that you mention it, I have seen them talking before.”

“Yeah. As I said, it’s pissing me off. What the hell did I do to him? Did it really bother him that much that someone showed interest in his life? I don’t understand what’s going on in his head.”

“Eren, I doubt it’s that. I’m sure that there’s an explanation for this because you haven’t done anything wrong. Please don’t do anything irrational, okay? Just leave him alone for a little while and give it time. Let’s go back to playing Spades before they come over, alright? We can talk about this more later. We need to get your mind off of this anyway.”

I didn’t want to leave him alone for a little while. Time in this ward moved at snail-pace and I didn’t have the patience required to just let it all blow over. Armin walked me back to the table and started dealing the cards. Jean studied my face with a smirk on his face. At that point, I decided that I would talk to Levi tomorrow, before lights out. I wasn’t capable of dealing with this shit for the next week but I couldn’t face Levi tonight. Not knowing that Erwin would be there.

 

* * *

 

Another night was spent sleepless.

My mind raced and my entire body was stiff with irritation. I didn’t even know why I was angry at this point; everything around me and everything that had happened aggravated me to the point that I physically shook with rage. The last time that I had been this angry was back in school. It had ended with a fistfight, a black eye, and Mikasa nearly sending someone to the hospital. Mikasa wasn’t here to calm me down and for the hundredth time my heart ached for her to be with me again, but I was at least thankful that I wasn’t stupid enough to physically fight Levi. I had felt his strength on more than one occasion and that would’ve been a death sentence.

My exasperation didn’t fade during the next day’s daily activities, especially since for the second day in a row, Levi completely disregarded my existence. Armin tried to reason with me on more than one occasion because he could sense my irritability, but I brushed him off.

“Eren, try to calm down, seriously. This isn’t healthy. Things will be dealt with soon, you know. That’s why we’re here. To deal with stuff like this.”

“Armin, drop it. Seriously. I’m fine and I can take care of it.” What did he know anyway? He’d been here just barely longer than I had. He knew no more than I did. When he looked away dejectedly, I felt bad, but didn’t say anything. I could take care of things on my own.

It took an excruciatingly long time for 10:50 PM to roll along, as I had figured it would. I didn’t even bother knocking on Levi’s door; instead, I let myself in and closed it behind me. Levi raised an eyebrow at my entrance.

“What the hell? Didn’t your mother teach you to fucking knock?”

I winced at the mother comment, but forced myself to ignore it. “We need to talk.”

“No. It’s ten minutes before lights out.”

“I’ll come back afterwards if I have to.”

“Oh my god, you’re such a pain in the ass.”

“Levi, what the hell?”

He sat up and stared at me in silence. I felt myself shaking under his hard glare, but I trudged on regardless.

“Why did you switch out of our room?”

“I didn’t. They moved me.”

“Bullshit!” I growled and my fists clenched until I felt my nails draw blood in my palms. A deep breath calmed my nerves enough for me to sit on the bed opposite him. “The nurse said that you requested to be moved. I heard you talking to Erwin, too. Not only did you tell him about me trying to kill myself, but you wanted to switch rooms because of it? Why didn’t you just talk to me about it and why did you tell him after I asked you not to? And the kiss, what, was the kiss just to shut me-”

“Shut your fucking mouth before you get into territory that you don’t want to be in, Jaeger.”

“I don’t understand you. Jesus Christ, I just want answers; I deserve at least that much. For once in your life, would you quit being so fucking selfish?”

Before I even had time to blink he had me pinned against the wall by my collar and was straddling my legs on the bed. “You know nothing about me, you little shit. How dare you call me selfish. I saved your stupid ass and you think I’m selfish?”

“Well you sure as hell didn’t save me for your own accord, since I’m alone in my room now. And it’s your own damn fault I know nothing about you.” The words were out of my mouth before I realized how bad of an idea it was to talk back to him.

His eyes were filled with pure rage. He raised his hand and I squeezed my eyes shut, expecting for him to strike me, but instead I felt him let go of my shirt and slide off of my legs.

“Get the fuck out, Eren. I’ll transfer back in tomorrow. I’ll tell Erwin I can handle it. Just get the fuck out of my room.”

“But-”

“Do you want me to hit you, you fucking brat? Get out now. I need to get away from your stupid face and I forgot how much I missed sitting in silence. All you do is talk and you don’t know when to shut your mouth. Holy shit.”

I looked him squarely in the eye for a few moments before I moved off of the bed and left the room. The door closed hard before I was even fully over the threshold, effectively pushing me enough that my exit nearly ended with a faceplant directly into the opposite door. I returned to my room as soon as I regained my composure and collapsed, face-down, into the bed.

He was coming back. I had gotten what I wanted, or at least part of it, right?

Then why did I have such a tight, sickly feeling in the pit of my stomach?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for any mistakes. It's 3 am and I need to be up really early. In like, five hours. But you guys deserved an update. I'll fix stuff up as soon as I can. I hope you've enjoyed. <3


	8. Fluctuations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SELF HARM TRIGGER WARNING 
> 
> This... This chapter is pretty intense. Yeah. Really intense, compared to the others. Levi... My poor baby. And Eren doesn't even know what to do. :c  
> Enjoy a little bit of Riren/ereri emotions, though. I didn't mean to take it in that direction until it happened. Oops? IT ALMOST WENT FURTHER BUT THAT WOULD'VE BEEN CRUEL. So that'll come later. Soon. :3
> 
> Thanks so much for you comments, guys. They make me so happy. :3 Send me asks/messages on tumblr! I love you all and it makes my day when you guys talk to me. My url is on my profile if you couldn't find it. 
> 
> Hope you all enjoy!

I finally slept that night. I don’t know exactly when I managed to pass out, but I didn’t dream and I woke up with my head on the opposite side of the bed than it had started on. Judging by the state of the covers (they were in a crumpled ball on the floor and the pillow was pinned between the wall and the edge of the bed) I had had a restless night.

When I finally exited my room and stepped into the hallway, I noticed a dull pattering noise. It took a moment for me to place it; for the first time since my first suicide attempt, it was raining outside. Hard. The wind came in intervals. It started with gale-force gusts that propelled the rain against the roof so hard that I could barely hear myself think, and then faded to nothing more than a muffled whisper. Levi passed me during one of the deafening stages when I couldn’t hear his footsteps and bumped into me roughly. I nearly tripped over my feet and he didn’t even glance back over his shoulder. 

Armin grasped my shoulder and I jumped. “Jesus, Armin. I didn’t hear you come up. Let’s not give me any heart attacks, yeah? It’d be awful if I’ve lasted through all of this just to die of a heart attack in a psych ward. That's way too easy.”

He snorted and we walked to the cafeteria together. He seemed to have forgotten about last night’s exchange, or if he did remember it, he did a fantastic job of hiding it. We passed the time while we were getting our trays and situating ourselves with small talk, discussing the rain and our sleeping habits. He found quite a bit of humor in my bed’s battlefield-esque state, and asked, “Why do you think you did that? Did you have a weird dream or anything?”

There couldn’t have been a better way for me to transition into explaining last night’s occurences, and I took the opportunity. “No, but guess who's transferring back into the room?”

“Wait, since when? What made him change his mind?”

“I talked to him last night.”

He nearly spit out the spoonful of cereal he had just shoveled into his mouth. Levi seemed to be in a particularly foul mood this morning so I had decided to spend the entire breakfast period with Armin. He shot me a skeptical look and crossed his arms. “You _talked_ to him? What did you say?”

“Okay, it started out as talking and escalated into some yelling and a little bit of namecalling. Some stuff was said that probably shouldn’t have been said, but it ultimately ended up with him agreeing to come back. I was even out of there before lights out.”

“Really?” He looked at Levi out of the corner of his eye for a long time. His brows creased and he murmured, “I don’t have a good feeling about this, Eren. I don’t see Levi as the kind of person to let up that easily. I told you not to do anything irrational-”

“Okay, Armin, honestly, what the hell do you know?” I interrupted before he could finish the sentence that had awakened a wave of anger that pumped through my veins. “It worked out pretty well, in my opinion. I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish.”

“That’s not what I meant! I’m just worried about you, there’s too much about this that just doesn’t seem right.”

“Why is it so hard for you to just be happy for me?” I couldn’t hide the irritation in my voice. I had hoped that he would just be happy for me, but this part of him that seemed to know _everything_ was aggravating. I didn’t want to analyze all of the ways that this could go wrong. Taking it for what it was suited me just fine. Levi was coming back to the room and I had the chance to finally figure him out. 

Armin looked away and put his spoon down despondently. “You’re right. Sorry, Eren. I’m glad you figured everything out.”

My enthusiasm was gone and I didn’t have the resolve to rekindle it. We sat through the rest of breakfast in silence and walked to group in the same state. For the first time since we started talking, Armin sat down and immediately drew into himself to minimize his presence as much as he could. I really did feel guilty, but at this point I wasn’t even positive that I could do anything to make up for my words. I could almost physically feel the wall that he that had forged between the rest of the group and himself. Maybe it was better that way. I appreciated his companionship and advice but we were on two different planes regarding Levi. 

“Good morning, everyone!” Hanji interrupted my thoughts with her jovial chirp and plopped down on her chair wearing a smile that was a bit too enthusiastic, even for her. “Today’s topic of discussion is a little bit more personal than our last few topics, it’ll be an interesting experiment. It’ll help bring us even closer together and help us better understand each other.”

We all stared at her apprehensively. Hanji’s “experiments” were more often than not things that we really wanted no part of. Levi sighed audibly and Jean groaned.

“Is it another icebreaker that you’ve learned in one of your progressive meetings? We’ve broken the ice already, Hanji. A couple times. Too many times. If we went back in time, we would’ve ensured that the Titanic returned safely.” For once in my life, I really appreciated the fact that Jean was an insufferable smartass. Even Armin cracked a smile.

“I appreciate your humor, Jean, but no,” his comment had barely affected her and she continued trying to explain it as though he had never said a word, “Today we’re going to focus on the past.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw Levi flinch. I couldn’t tell for sure because he remained stoic in expression while Hanji spoke.

“One of my favorite quotes is ‘Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future’ said by Levis B. Smedes. We focus so much on things that occurred in the past that we lose sight of the future. It’s important to remember that the past is exactly that: the past. It's a part of us and it shapes us, but we'll never be able to change it. Focusing on parts of the past that we want to change only wastes time that we can spend improving our present to accomplish the goals in our future. We’ll be talking about this for the next few days, so today we’ll start off with a discussion about the good aspects of our past. Good memories that make us smile, memories that shaped us or memories that have helped us grow. It’s so important to remember these things and draw strength from them. This may be a difficult topic for some of you, but it’s important for the healing process to talk about these things. People will understand and sympathize more than you realize! Would anyone care to start us off?"

Sasha raised her hand timidly and Hanji nodded in her direction. “Well, the first time my dad and I went hunting, I was seven, I think. We were out for hours and it started raining and we didn’t catch anything all day. I was really upset and to top it off, I tripped in the mud with my lunch and I just sat there and cried. My dad stood there for a little while and then he sat in the mud next to me, rubbed it all down the front of his shirt, and told me that it was alright. I don’t know why but I immediately felt better and he had never made me laugh that hard in my entire life.” Her face was peaceful while she relayed the memory to all of us, and her smile was more genuine than any I had seen all week. 

"I wasn't particularly close to my father, but my mother and I used to to things like that," I chimed in and Sasha caught my gaze with imploring eyes, silently urging me to continue. "She was always protective of me. Sometimes it was almost overwhelming. This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous but I can remember a time when I was young that we were sitting downstairs, waiting for my father to come home from work, and it was storming outside. We didn't hear it because we were so worried about whatever we were doing and we were technically underground so everything was muffled. It was a bad storm. There was a particularly violent lightning strike and the sound startled her and she thought it had been a gunshot, so she grabbed me and the next thing I knew we were in the closet and I was pressed up against her chest. My dad was _so confused_ when he came home and when she realized that it had been thunder she laughed for such a long time. The sound of her laugh was my favorite sound." The next thing I knew, tears stung my eyes and I felt them dripping onto my hands. "Ah, shit. Sorry."

Hanji shook her head, rapid-fire. "No no no no no! Eren, don't be sorry! This is normal and good, it's better to let it out than bottle it up." 

I wiped my face with the bottom hem of the shirt and felt myself blushing. It had been a _really_ long time since I had last cried. It had taken a full week after my parent's death for me to feel anything about them. The only emotions I had really felt at all since then was anger and curiosity, neither of which were directed at their death or them. Of all of the times for it to hit me, it had happened in front of everyone in the ward. Fantastic. "Ugh, could someone go ahead?"

I hadn't expected to hear Armin's voice in response to my request. "Before my grandmother passed away, she would come and visit my family once or twice a month. She used to travel a lot and every time she came back, she brought me little souvenirs. My favorite one was from a trip she took to Egypt. It wasn't even spectacular or anything, it was just a little hourglass with sand from the desert in it. When she gave it to me, the sun was setting and it made the sand inside look pink and orange and red, something about it was just beautiful. It's stuck with me since then, I still have it at home." He had given me enough time to wipe my face and regain my composure, but that only made me feel worse because of how much I had hurt him less than an hour ago. Shit. I needed to stop speaking without thinking.

"That sounds nice, Armin. You should tell me about her sometime." It was barely a whisper, directed only at Armin, but I hoped it would at least convey how sorry I was. Even though I didn't particularly deserve to be forgiven, he nodded and smiled slightly. That was at least one thing that I could try to fix.

Marco spoke next, effectively taking the focus off of our side of the circle. While he talked about coming to the ward, meeting Jean, and immediately forming a close friendship (it was all sickeningly cute, especially because Marco looked at Jean with this intense look of admiration and respect the entire time), I looked at Levi. He hadn't said a word to me all morning and I could barely even hear him breathing, even though he was sitting directly next to me. His eyes were glazed over and he was staring at nothing in particular; he barely even acknowledged Hanji when she prompted, "Levi, you're the only one who hasn't said anything yet. Would you like to contribute?"

"No, Hanji. I wouldn't."

"…Nothing at all? What about your peers, do you relate with their memories on any level?"

"No, I really don't. Not at all."

An uneasy silence fell and Hanji was very obviously taken aback by his complete refusal to participate. In all honesty, I was too. Levi was usually very blunt and difficult to talk to, but he had always made _some_ sort of effort, half-assed or otherwise, during group. The receptive, friendly atmosphere had been crushed underneath his words and the rest of our time was spent listening to Hanji awkwardly try to restore what had been lost. Levi still hadn't moved and at this point we were all wondering what the hell was going on in his mind. 

Group wrapped up and Jean stood up first, immediately starting toward Levi. His intentions were plastered all over his face, and he was pissed. He planned on giving Levi a piece of mind, there was no question about it. Marco gripped his arm at the last minute and pulled him back into his seat. "Jean, don't do it, it's not worth it. Everyone has bad days, right? Even you. C'mon, let's go play Spades or something. Sound good?" Jean shot Levi a glare before he finally grunted in response and left with Marco. 

Armin elbowed me gently and asked, "You wanna head out too? Everyone seems pretty on edge, Spades will help us all wind down."

"Ah, yeah. Go on ahead, just give me a second. I'll be right out, I need to talk to you anyway."

He nodded and exited the room, leaving only me, Levi, and Hanji. Hanji seemed engrossed in jotting something down on her clipboard, so I turned to Levi, who hadn't even made an effort to stand. "Hey, are you alright?"

"Fine."

"No, seriously. This is really unlike you."

"Oh, cute. You think you know me after a week. Seven days, Jaeger." At this point, Hanji was watching us from the corner of her eye with interest, and I'm almost positive that she didn't realize that I noticed. "I'm perfectly fine. Hurry along, go play with your friends."

"Wait, what-"

"Get out of my face." 

Whoa, what? He stood abruptly and exited the room, and I was left staring at his chair wondering what the hell had just happened. Was he still angry with me for wanting him to come back? Maybe he was just having a bad morning? All I knew for sure was that if I chased after him and asked any more questions, he wouldn't hesitate to blow up in my face. I felt Hanji's eyes on me and I hurriedly stood up and left, muttering "Sorry," under my breath accompanied by another blush.

Armin didn't say a word to me about it when he looked at my face after I sat down. "Hey, I'm sorry. I should listen to you more often," I breathed, and he regarded me with a sad smile. 

"Don't worry about it. I'm sorry too." 

I shook my head and smiled. Just being around everyone was enough to lighten my mood enough that I wasn't uncomfortable. Levi's words still nagged at the back of my mind, but for the rest of our free time, I was content with having my ass kicked by Armin at a card game that I still wasn't 100% sure how to play.

 

* * *

 

Dinner found me at a table with Jean, Marco, Armin and Sasha once again, while Levi ate alone. I was scared to cross his path, god forbid I'd say something that would offend him. Marco refused to let Jean anywhere near him. Sasha was just as worried about being around him as I was, and Armin had no desire to be around him in _any_ situation. I didn't blame him.

"So, Eren, since you're the only one that's brave enough… no, maybe stupid enough…? Since you're the only one who talks to him, what the hell is up with his attitude?" Jean rested his chin in his hand and tilted his head toward me in anticipation of my answer. 

"Why is it any of your business?" I growled.

"Whoa, man. Just curious."

"I don't even know. Mystery to me. I mean, even more than usual. We haven't had a proper conversation in days."

"He's virtually unapproachable. I don't understand how you guys can be roommates. Isn't that awkward, just laying there in silence?"

"No. Well, yeah. But no. We used to talk a little bit, and the awkwardness disappears after a while. It's like a comfortable silence. I guess it's nice not feeling like I'm expected to make conversation, especially since I wouldn't even know _how_ to strike up conversation with him."

"You know, Eren," Marco started, "This may be a long shot because I really don't know him particularly well, but your company is probably good for him. Like Jean said, though in a significantly harsher manner," he paused to shoot Jean a chastising look, "people don't tend to talk to him. You may not consider yourself his friend, but you're the closest thing he's had since I checked in, and I've been in here for a while. There was a lot wrong with me when I was checked in, but Jean's friendship helped a lot. Everyone's friendship did. So just don't give up on it, alright? He isn't easy to get along with but he's already let you in more than he has for any of us. You've gotten this far."

I wasn't sure if I had really gotten far at all. Looking back, most of the times he spoke to me willingly had been following my own instability. Did that even count as letting me in? I supposed it meant that he cared enough to want to calm me down, but I didn't even definitively know if that was his intention or if he was just tired of hearing me whine in my sleep. That bothered me more than I had realized. There was a good chance that I was just a burden to him, especially now that I had told him to return to the room. Judging by today's display, I may have fucked things up monumentally. 

"Yeah, you're right, Marco. Thanks. I hope he comes around soon, he doesn't seem like a bad person. I think I'm gonna head back to the room after dinner's over. That alright?" They nodded, and when the nurses announced the period over, I walked directly to the room and collapsed on my back to stare at the ceiling. Levi entered the room minutes after I did and placed his clothes back in his dresser before silently laying back on his bed.

"It was pretty weird not having you in here, you know," I tried, "I never realized how intimidating silence is. Your breathing is more noticable than I realized."

"Since breathing is something people are known for, there's not much I can do about it."

"That's not what I meant." I sighed and tried to calm my nerves. Talking to him was always so tasking. "I missed having someone in the room other than me breathing."

"I'm not sure why it had to be me. You get along with that Armin kid pretty well."

"You guys are completely different. I like rooming with you."

"Why?" He sounded strangely amused.

"I mean… I don't know. I already said that your breathing made it easier for me to sleep…" What did he want me to say? "I was just getting used to being in the same room with you and not talking, too. It's kinda nice knowing that I don't have to force conversation, I was telling Jean that earlier."

"Hah, yeah. That's not something Jean would understand, kid. Anything else?"

"It was nice waking up in the middle of the night and knowing that you were already awake. It felt less alone. You managed to deal with my nightmare that one time and I'm not sure Armin would've done well with it. I would've probably given him a panic attack. You're fun to talk to when you actually talk." I heard him chuckle under his breath.

"C'mere."

"What?"

"Get your stupid ass over here, Eren."

"Ugh, no. I don't want to get up, this feels too good."

"You little fucking…" I heard his bed creak, four soft footsteps, and Levi was on top of me before I had a chance to react. He straddled my hips, effectively pinning me to the bed, and leaned forward so that I could feel his breath on my neck. "Remember, you were the one that didn't want to get up. Open your mouth." His lips were so close to my ear that his words made me shiver. I did as I was told, entirely too drunk on the familiar smell of sweet cigarettes that lingered on his skin, and he met my lips with his. 

Levi's movements were familiar and I felt like I was in a dream. His tongue slid along mine and I pressed back as much as I could through my trembling lips. He pulled away for a moment and murmured, "You don't have to be so nervous, kid. Go with it." His face was so damn seductive and his voice was so low that I nearly lost my self-restraint. I pulled him back to my lips until he took control again, running his fingers through my hair and sucking on my lip and tongue. His body pressed against mine, lean muscle pressed to my chest and a strong hand holding my hands above my head while the other caressed my face. He pulled back for a moment before attacking my neck with soft, quick kisses that gave me goosebumps.

"Levi, shit. Don't-" He kissed me again before I could finish and slid a hand beneath my shirt, tracing each of my ribs and down my stomach with his small, slender fingers. The kiss was ended with a gentle nip on my bottom lip and Levi rolled over so that he was on his back directly next to me and we both examined the ceiling.

"Don't what?"

"I don't remember."

He snorted, one of the first times I had heard him really laugh around me. "You're a fucking mess. You're lucky I can tolerate you."

"Tolerate?"

He didn't say anything in response and I didn't pry further; my head tingled with an adrenaline high and I didn't feel the need to say anything else. Armin was right. I liked him. At any other time I would've fucking hated myself for it, too, but right now I was content.

"Go to sleep, Jaeger. You look exhausted."

He didn't need to tell me twice. I _was_ exhausted, painfully so. "Yeah. You too, Levi." I closed my eyes and felt him move off of the bed to return to his own. "And… Ah, thanks for coming back."

"Don't thank me, idiot."

I fell asleep almost immediately to the sound of his breathing. 

 

* * *

 

 

At least four hours had to have passed when I stirred and woke up. I was greeted with a sight that I had seen before: Levi was propped up against the wall, smoking another one of his thin clove cigarettes. He didn't seem to notice I was awake and I didn't bother moving; I didn't want to be awake any longer than I had to. Just before I closed my eyes again, Levi smoked the rest down until it nearly hit the filter.

My heart stopped when he lifted his shirt and pressed the cigarette to the flesh just beneath his ribcage. He inhaled sharply and squeezed his eyes shut, then exhaled while his muscles relaxed again.

Barely-awake me didn't know what to do, or even how to process what I had just seen. He tucked the cigarette butt away and absentmindedly grazed the fresh burn with his fingertips. Despite the lack of light, I could see the scars on his torso, and I wondered how many of them were actually self-inflicted. The thin, long ones. The short, deep ones. The numerous cigarette burns. What had pushed him to this point so many times before?

I forced myself back to sleep again despite my labored, worried breathing and racing heartbeat. 

I was greeted with nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah. Sorry I like cliffhangers so much, guys. I don't know if that counted as one but the past chapters definitely have.


	9. Warm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING AGAIN SELF HARM SORRY
> 
> You should like the first half of this chapter!  
> I just... You'll see. See you guys on the flipside.  
> And... Just prepare yourself, yeah?  
> Enjoy~
> 
> tumblr is still on my profile if you want it. To, you know, send me hate and stuff.
> 
> I apologize for any mistakes; I did go through and edit but when it's late like this I don't always catch everything until the morning after.

Still groggy and blurry-eyed, the first thing that crossed my mind when I woke up and saw Levi changing was how glad I was that he was back and how absolutely alluring his body was. My eyes swept along the pale pinks and whites of his scars and the memories of last night finally flooded my mind and yanked me out of my daze. I felt my heartbeat quicken again, and I almost gasped audibly when Levi caught my eye.

"Oh. You're up. You still have an hour until you have to be out of bed."

"…Levi?"

" _Brat?_ "

What could I even say? Self-harm wasn't something that I had ever dealt with. Even if I did have experience, I don't know that it would have done me much good with Levi. I didn't want to chance triggering him or saying something stupid that would completely negate everything I had gone through to get him back here.  Yet again, I found myself craving Armin's advice; in fact, I wanted to tell him everything about last night. But this… This was the most pressing issue.

"Nothing, nevermind. I was still half asleep." I desperately wished that I was a better liar because the skepticism was plastered all over his face the _second_ I formulated my excuse. 

"Do you think I'm stupid, Jaeger? Your face is ridiculously honest when you've just woken up. What's on your mind? Consider now one of the few moments I'll listen to you and pretend to care."

"No, I know you're not stupid!" Shit. I would need to figure out something. Anything believable. "No, I was just thinking."

There was a pause, and Levi placed a hand on his thin hips in what may have been the single sassiest position that I had ever seen. "Thinking about? I don't have the patience for your half-assed responses and I'm not going to stand here and guess. Speak,  you haven't had a problem with it in the past."

Yep. Levi was definitely back. The comment was most certainly an underhanded jab, and I probably deserved it. 

"Oh, ah… I was just thinking… About the kiss." I had said the first thing that had come to mind, and it was something I wanted to discuss about as much as I wanted to discuss his scars. I was blushing before he even opened his mouth to respond and I could see the amusement in his eyes, which only served to deepen it until I felt it spread down my neck. 

"Mmm? What about it?" He raised an eyebrow while the rest of his features remained characteristically indifferent, and it only intimidated me more.

"I… Well… I still don't know what it meant," I muttered and sat up, focusing my gaze on the floor. I watched his feet as he walked forward and squatted directly in front of me.

"What did you think it meant?" His voice had taken on the quality that it had adopted when he had told me not to be nervous, and it elicited a shiver that shot down my spine. I shook my head with the knowledge that I probably wasn't capable of answering him out loud (especially since I really didn't have an answer to begin with). My already pounding heart quickened as he moved dangerously close; I felt the heat of his skin and each breath he took. His eyes had become intense again and it felt like he was looking _into_ my eyes in a way that I had never experienced instead of _at_ them. Once again something told me not to open my mouth and ruin it. 

"You know, Eren…" His fingers traced my neck with feather-like pressure and I subconsciously leaned into his hand, "I'm trying to figure it out myself." His lips were suddenly warm against mine and his hand had slid up into my hair, holding me close with the strangest sense of… possession? When I felt myself melting into his touch, I snapped back into reality for a moment and tried to move away. How much did I really want to do this, having seen what I saw last night? He didn't know that I'd seen him, though. If I pulled away now, he'd be just as confused as I usually was as a result of his actions. I would need to do what I'd normally do. Or… was that just an excuse because I absolutely reveled in the sensation of his mouth pressed against my skin? 

Levi didn't give me much time to dwell. He had pushed me back on the bed while my mind was wandering and effectively picked up where he had left off only eight hours prior. Skilled fingers lifted my shirt and explored my abdomen, gently tracing my ribs and then down past the waistband of my sweatpants. My vision immediately went fuzzy and heat pooled between my legs. "God, Levi, I can't… Don't…" I breathed. Complete thoughts weren't forming, all I knew was the feeling of his hands beneath the hem of my pants, against my bare hip and thigh.

"You say my name like that and expect me to think that you want me to get off? Fucking idiot." He caught my lips and his taste automatically had me sliding my arms around his neck to pull him closer. His hand slipped between my legs and I gasped into the kiss, arching my back against his touch before I could control myself. Levi propped himself up on the bed with an elbow so that his other hand could push my hair away from my face and play with it between his fingers. "What an honest response. I didn't realize that you're _actually_ as innocent as you seem. I don't know if I have the patience for a virgin."

"What're you even- wait, what? Who said that I was a virgin?" I retorted indignantly and looked away in a fruitless attempt to hide my embarrassment.

Levi actually laughed out loud and it would've been a personal victory for me if it hadn't been at my expense. "Oh really? Tell me about your experiences, Casanova." His hand returned to my waist, teasingly, and I tested pushing him away again.

"Well, why should I?" I muttered beneath my breath, desperately trying to suppress a whine directed at the sudden lack of his fingers. As I expected, his body wouldn't budge from its position on top of me, he was too goddamn strong.

"That's what I thought. Stop mouthing off." He leaned so close to my ear that I felt his breath on my neck and he whispered, "Laisse moi te posséder."

French? "L-Levi, I don't speak French. I took like, two years of Spanish and did really terribly because the teacher-" A finger pressed against my lips, effectively silencing me, and he groaned.

"Tu es un chieur," He grumbled beneath his breath, then leaned back so that I was looking at his face. "Okay, Jaeger. Put that mouth of yours to use. I'm going to give you a free little french lesson. Aren't you lucky? Repeat after me: embrassez-moi."

"Uh… Imbrosay moi?"

"Almost. Listen close, watch my mouth. Embrassez-moi."

"What does it mean?"

"If you would quit screwing around and just say it, I'd let you know."

I frowned up at him and despite my aching pride, I carefully pronounced, "Embrassez-moi." The words felt strange but I was rewarded immediately with a deep kiss from Levi, accompanied by his hands falling back into place and making me squirm.

He pulled away just long enough to tell me, "It meant kiss me, in case you were too thick to figure it out."

"What about the first thing you said?"

"Let me have you."

I knew that my face, ears, and neck had all turned a shade of red that was probably comparable to the strawberry jelly they served in the mornings with our toast. My heart was beating so hard that I was legitimately worried that Levi would feel it against his chest. The bastard knew exactly what to say to get a reaction. A moan escaped my lips as he grasped me tightly and gave a quick stroke to admire exactly what he could do to me. I was already painfully hard and even when he wasn't moving, the feeling of his body against mine had me aching in my core. Another few strokes induced an unintentionally breathy moan of his name that took us both by surprise.

"Hm, what was that, Eren? Tell me what you want." His hands had stopped and I couldn't help but arch desperately to find friction again.

"Don't stop, please. Levi." I breathed (my pride wasn't even an issue anymore, I'd come to the conclusion that it had probably withered away while I had still been in school with Mr. Bossard) and it was met with an eye roll that gave way to a kiss. His grip on me returned, animalistic and so good that I couldn't help but buck my hips against his hand. The movement provided me with interesting information: he was just as hard as I was. I raised a thigh between his legs, testing him, and was pleasantly surprised when it was met with a groan against my lips. 

"Jaeger," he growled, a deep, husky sound that nearly pushed me over the edge, "Territory that you don't want to be in." A knee slid up my leg and pushed it against the bed, effectively preventing movement. The only things left moving were his lips, now on my neck nipping at my bruise, and his hand, bringing me closer to the brink of euphoria.

"Levi, ah, I can't… Stop…" Pinpricks of pleasure shot through my body, electricity that reached from my toes to my fingertips, and my hands slid beneath his shirt and grasped his lean frame hard. I grazed over the smooth indents of scars across his abdomen and, through the mind-numbing waves, I saw him wince for just a moment when I touched a _certain_ area below his ribs.

Just like that, I was hurled back into reality. My mind was numb while it replayed everything. He was back in the room, he kissed me last night, I woke up to him burning himself, he kissed me again, he was on top of me, his hand was messy. Oh God, his hand was messy. "Fuck, I'm so sorry. I'm so so so sorry. Let me get something so you can clean up, I am _so sorry._ " My voice was still shaky along with the rest of my body, but I shifted to get him something regardless. Or, I _tried_ to get him something. He hadn't moved beyond extracting his hand from my pants and moving his elbow to the side of my body opposite of his other elbow.

"Soon. Later. Just wait. Stay here for a second, Jaeger. Stop running your mouth and stay." He dropped his head between my neck and my shoulder so that I couldn't see his face and I could've sworn that my confusion was tangible at that point. Regardless, I didn't move after I grabbed his hand and wiped it on my shirt (something told me that this was the best solution; there was no doubt in my mind that Levi would regret staying messy later). He groped for my hand and caught it in his with a surprisingly tender grip. His hand was smaller than mine and his fingers were slender and dexterous, piano player's fingers, and they fit between mine perfectly.

Since when was it okay for me to think about how perfect his _anything_ fit with mine? 

"Eren, Levi, it's time to get up!" The call was followed by three firm knocks on the door, and Levi groaned before rolling off of me and my bed. Part of me was relieved by the interruption. 

"Let's get breakfast. I need to take a dump first, so get dressed while I'm out. Be ready by the time I'm done." Classically eloquent, classically Levi.

He left and I knew that it would take a little while for a supervisor to come and follow him in, so I didn't rush to get up. It wasn't even an hour into the day and I was already emotionally and physically exhausted. Breakfast with Levi for the first time in days sounded incredible but I had desperately hoped to talk to Armin. There was so much to update him and get his opinions about that I didn't even know where I'd start. I did know that it would have to wait until after group because Levi would know that something was wrong if I didn't accept his breakfast invitation.

I forced myself off of the bed with a sigh and regarded my underwear with _another_ sigh. Who the hell gave hand jobs first thing in the morning? Oh, the roommate of the kid that accepted hand jobs first thing in the morning. Right. I changed quickly, trying my hardest to ignore the stale scent left over from Levi's late-night smoking that lingered close to his bed, and opened the door just as he did. "Fantastic. Let's go."

I stepped out into the hallway and managed to catch Armin's eye as he left his own room. I shot him a look that I hoped he interpreted as an "I have things to tell you" look and then turned to walk with Levi to the cafeteria. "So, uh… Did you have fun?" I grasped for conversation to fill the silence that was made awkward (for me, at least) by this morning's "activities", but for the second time today, I realized the stupidity of my words only after I said them.

He stared at me in silence for a long time, his eyebrows knitted in a classic "what the fuck did you just ask me?" expression, then finally replied, "Yeah. I had a blast, Eren. Best shit I've ever taken. You're such an idiot."

The rest of the walk there, followed by roughly half of our meal, was silent again. I watched him eat out of the corner of my eye, examining an area of his body that a fold in his shirt had exposed. I could see two small, barely visible cigarette burn scars, and it made my chest hurt. "Why do you know French, Levi?"

He took a long sip of tea and spoke without turning to face me. "Heritage."

"What do you mean?"

"Eren, you already know all you need to know. We've been over this before."

"What? Still?"

He didn't reply, and I didn't bother trying to hide my disappointment. I rested my elbows on the table and held my head in my hands. At least it gave me a chance to rest, since conversation obviously wasn't going to happen. I was interrupted, however, by a gentle nudge. When I opened my eyes, Levi was holding out his tea in front of me. "Don't say anything, just try it." It was his attempt at an apology without apologizing. I debated being an asshole and not accepting it, but I decided against it, took it from his hands, and sipped.

Damn near choked, too. 

"Holy shit, Levi. It's like fucking lava! How the hell can you drink that?" Tears were streaming down my face and my tongue was painfully numb. He bit his lip to hold back the laughter that I saw behind his eyes. 

"I didn't tell you to sip it without bothering to test the temperature, dumbass. Did you like it?"

"I don't know, it scorched all of my taste buds before I got a chance to enjoy it!" Levi rubbed his temples and rolled his eyes, but the smile that just barely pulled at the corners of his lips let me know that his frustration was feigned. We didn't speak again until we were in group, but the awkwardness had disintegrated and it was comfortable. The only uneasiness that I felt was related to Levi's reaction to group the previous day.

Hanji didn't look at him any differently and started just as cheerily as she always did. "Good morning, everyone! Now, as I'm sure you remember, I told you all yesterday that we would be focusing on our pasts for a few days. We worked with good memories yesterday; today, we're going to focus on methods for letting go of painful or harmful memories. Anyone that would like to share their experiences is more than welcome to; one of the most effective ways to cope is talking about it. This is significantly more personal than yesterday, so we'll go around the group, but you're not required to say anything. Sasha, would you care to contribute?"

"Yeah, actually. You guys probably know this already, but the day I checked in was the day that I had an awful fight with my father. I said and did a lot of things that I shouldn't have. It constantly bothers me, you know? The pain that I saw in his eyes that day gives me nightmares, I always think about it. I've had panic attacks thinking about him dying with that look still on his face." She wiped her eyes on her sleeve and took a shuddering breath before she could continue. I hadn't even realized that she'd started crying. "I've spoken to him since then and I know that he feels better about everything, but it still bothers me so much." It was strange and upsetting seeing Sasha, who was usually upbeat, distressed like this. Hanji passed her a box of tissues and regarded her with an incredibly soft expression.

"Your father does feel better, I've spoken to him myself. You'd be surprised at how many people have memories like that, you're not alone. I would assume that some of your peers were thinking of their families too, and they can sympathize."

Armin straightened up in his seat and actually spoke in front of the group, completely on his own accord. "Sasha, you talked about your dad yesterday. I talked about my grandmother, too. She actually passed away when I was still fairly young. The very last time I saw her, she brought me another gift. It was a little keychain from Hawaii that had volcanoes on it. I don't know what I was thinking, but I wasn't happy with it at all. I was so spoiled and I had expected more. I threw a fit, pouted the rest of the time that she was with us, and spent most of the day in my room sulking. She passed away the following week, before I had a chance to say _anything_ to her. I felt really, really terrible for a long time. I kept telling myself that she had died thinking that I didn't love her and I beat myself up about it for years. I still do sometimes, I guess. But I know that she loved me and that she knew that I loved her because she _always_ thought of me wherever she went and I was her grandson regardless of the tantrums I threw. I know what you mean about the nightmares, I have them as well, but your dad loves you and I'm sure he forgives you, too." 

My mouth hung open unintentionally until he finished. The amount of strength that he possessed had caught me by surprise. I knew that he was intelligent and he really was a good person, but for him to talk about something that personal in front of everyone in order to comfort Sasha was incredible. Even the memory itself oozed of strength. I hated to admit it, but I was nearly moved to tears. A mental note to bring it up to him later was made, and since nobody else wanted to share anything, Hanji continued. 

Out of habit, I scanned the faces around the circle, starting at Levi and finishing at Armin, then I looked at Levi again. Something wasn't right: his eyes were glazed over again while he focused on nothing, he looked pale, and he was shaking so slightly that if I hadn't been sitting directly next to him I wouldn't have been able to tell at all. Resisting the urge to say something to him until group ended was nearly impossible, and even when group did end, I didn't manage to properly speak to him. He didn't bother getting up until everyone else had left and I had told Armin to wait up for me outside. It was a repeat of the end of the last group session.

"Levi? Hey, you're doing it again. You've gotta tell me what's going on, it's actually scaring me a little bit." I reached out to touch his arm but he flinched away from my fingers. Without another word, he stood and walked out of the room without me. 

"Sorry again, Hanji." I said with a sigh and started toward the door.

I was halfway out of the room when I heard her voice again. "Eren?" Her tone was cautious and quiet, a mixture that I had never heard out of her mouth.

"Yeah?"

"… Nevermind. Nothing. I'll see you tomorrow." Her attention returned to her clipboard and she continued jotting down notes as though she had never stopped. It took me a little while to get my legs moving again, but when I finally did, I scouted out Armin immediately. 

He was already sitting in our corner of the room and I was infinitely grateful. My exhaustion had only worsened and dealing with Jean posed the possibility of a physical altercation, depending on his mood. "Armin, I have so much to tell you and I don't know that you'd believe a word of it if it had come from anyone else."

"I figured something happened based on that look you gave me this morning. I'm pretty nervous about this, what's going on?"

"Well, first of all, you're really incredible. For a lot of reasons, obviously, but wow. What you said in there… I was floored, Armin. You're so strong."

He blushed and his gaze fell to the floor. "Not really, Eren. She just looked upset and I wanted to help."

I lifted his chin so that he was forced to look at me. "I'm serious. You don't give yourself enough credit. I'm really, really lucky that you're my friend."

"T-Thanks, Eren. Just talk, go ahead." He was embarrassed and still skeptical, but at least he had accepted it.

"Well… I guess I should start out by saying that you were right."

"About what?"

"Well, everything. But right now, I'm talking about the fact that I like him. Ugh, Armin, I really like him. And it's making everything that much harder for me to figure out and deal with."

His hand covered the growing smile on his face. "I was hoping you'd figure it out soon. What do you mean figure out and deal with?"

"Where do I even start?" I sighed, leaned back against the wall, and closed my eyes. "Alright. I made conversation with him last night and for whatever reason, I ended up telling him why I enjoyed rooming with him. Next thing I knew, he was on top of me on _my_ bed and we kissed for a little while. He rolled off and we just stared at the ceiling in silence. Eventually, he told me to sleep, I was exhausted so I didn't fight it. After that, something happened that I'll focus on in a second. I woke up this morning and he was up already, getting changed. I had stuff on my mind and he asked what was wrong. I really didn't want to discuss it with him so I ended up just telling him the first thing that came to mind, and since I'm a fucking genius, I told him that I was thinking about what the kiss meant. I wanted to talk about that about as much as I wanted to gouge out my eyes with a spoon, Armin."

At this point, he was trying hard to hold back his laughter, and he was failing _miserably._ "Go on."

"So he asked me what I thought it meant, and I didn't have a damn clue. He told me he didn't know either and he ended up kissing me on my bed again and… Oh _God,_ Armin," I hid my face in my hands because I knew that I was blushing, "he gave me a hand job. It wasn't even 7:30 AM. Then he like, buried his face in my neck and held my hand until we were officially supposed to wake up. I don't know why. I don't know the reasoning behind any of it."

Armin was smiling and biting his lip so hard that I was almost positive that he would start bleeding. "You guys are the next Jean and Marco of the ward, and even though Levi's terrifying, I support this so much. You blush more than I thought was humanly possible and I'd say that nine times out of ten, it has to do with him."

"No, we're not, and that's not true!' I buried my face down into my arms, now, "First of all, I don't have any idea what's going on in his head or if he even does anything more than 'tolerate' me. Then, second… Armin, this is another one of those things you can't tell a soul about."

"Of course." He had gotten serious in record time.

"After I fell asleep after he kissed me, I woke up a couple of hours later. I was going to go to sleep, so I didn't say anything when I realized that Levi was up. Just before I closed my eyes to fall back asleep, he took the cigarette he had been smoking and he burned himself, just underneath his ribs." 

"Oh, God. He self-harms? Eren, is that where the scars you were telling me about came from?"

"I think so. I didn't know what to do. He doesn't know that I saw him do it and that was what was bothering me so much when I woke up this morning. I didn't know how to handle it, so I didn't want to say anything. He still hasn't told me anything about himself, either."

"Eren, you're not going to like this, but you've gotta say something to somebody before it gets bad."

"But that was the first time I'd seen him do it and that was the only mark that looked fresh. I don't want to jump the gun and do something unnecessary that would destroy whatever weird relationship we've forged."

His reply came concurrent with a sigh, "Just be careful and keep your eye out for him. Remember to keep me updated. I have a really bad feeling about this, about him. Not about you both as much as just… him. His health. Especially lately."

I nodded and rested my chin on my knees with a frown. I had the same feeling. Seeing him in group had only enforced it. "Would you eat dinner with us tonight? If anything, just to see how we interact or how he's doing."

"Of course! I don't really sit with anyone else because I want to. I'd love to. If you guys don't talk, we can. Ready for some Spades?"

With a full night's worth of weight lifted from my shoulders, Spades sounded fantastic.

 

* * *

 

Levi's demeanor had improved as the day droned on, but something about him was still off and I couldn't quite place it. The various therapy sessions had removed the glaze from his eyes and his trembling was basically gone. By the time dinner swung around, however, he seemed strangely distant. Armin seemed to notice as well and we spoke to each other to combat the silence. Levi barely acknowledged our presence and I couldn't determine if it was normal or something I needed to worry about.

He disappeared when the period was over and on our way back to Spades, Armin turned to me.

"Something's definitely up, Eren. You should really think about saying something. If not to someone else, to him. You're still the only one he opens up to, whether he likes it or not. He was barely even there even though he was right next to you."

I nodded but didn't respond. I didn't have anything to say. No plans had been made, I still had no idea how to approach the subject, and there was still no guarantee that it would help anyway.

For the first time, I managed to win a game of spades (and the look on Jean's face was beyond priceless, though he did take it better than I'd figured he would and I suppose I respected him for that) and my mood was finally lifted. With newfound confidence, I decided to go back early and say something to Levi while I still had the chance to retreat back to Armin if I needed to. When I got to our door, I was surprised to see it shut. ' _Didn't your mother teach you to fucking knock?_ ' The words rang in my head as I knocked solidly, three times. When I was given no response, I opened the door and shut it behind me. It was pitch black, was Levi out? I flipped the switch and my stomach churned to the point that I nearly vomited when my mind processed the scene before me.

There was blood _everywhere_. The scent filled my nostrils but I couldn't gag. My legs moved me across the room before I even had a chance to think about it. Someone was yelling as I lifted Levi's torso and held him in my arms. He was limp and pale and I searched desperately for a pulse, but I was shaking too hard and _the yelling was me._ I held him close to my chest like he had held me and I didn't care that the blood cascading from his arms -his arms that had been _so beautiful_ \- stained my clothes and my skin. 

Two nurses appeared in the doorway and one froze while the other one immediately ran toward the main nurse's station. She was getting help, she had to be getting help.

The nurse that was left studied my face as I pulled him closer into me, I couldn't hear her talking over the sound of my own heavy breathing and _why was he so fucking cold right now_? He was always _so warm_ , his skin and his lips and his tongue and even his fucking tea. Why wasn't he warm?

This time, the tears didn't hesitate to fall as they had hesitated so many times before. Through blurry vision and gasping sobs, I finally managed to choke out words that terrified me more than anything had ever terrified me before.

"Oh my God, I can't tell if he's alive."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the flipside. 
> 
> I'M SO SORRY I KNOW YOU CAN HATE ME I HATE ME TOO I'M SO SORRY  
> UGH GOD  
> AT LEAST YOU GOT SOME RIREN?  
> ;-;  
> I don't even know what to say. And, uh, sorry about the cliffhanger. Again.  
> this one REALLY couldn't be avoided because if I went on I still wouldn't have been able to get to a decent stopping point.  
> No part of this freaking fanfic is a good stopping point.  
> And sorry it was so long oh good lord.


	10. Silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW THIS TOOK FOREVER  
> I'M SORRY GUYS  
> I KNOW YOU HATE ME  
> I love you all. ;3
> 
> So I guess a few people have started using the tags #fic: what it means to feel and #What it means to feel so I'm tracking those and #Opulence now. I didn't know that they existed until like, two days ago. Cool. :3 My tumblr url is still up on my profile for anyone who wants it.

All I wanted to do was hold him.

The world around me faded away and the only clear, constant thing was Levi. The voices around me were muffled, loud, and chaotic. Hands pulled on my arms and my chest and my hands; Levi was being taken from me and I held him harder against my chest in protest. Leaning down through choked sobs, I pressed my forehead to his and my tears cascaded down both of our cheeks. The hands kept pulling and grabbing and tearing but my grip on him only tightened.

I was so scared that he would just disappear if I let him go.

Strong arms immobilized me and forced Levi out of my hands. Dizzy from crying and hyperventilating and shock, my body collapsed beneath me against the force. I could still hear myself screaming. They were inhuman wails that dripped with pain and confusion as I watched people crowd around Levi's body with tourniquets and IVs. The terms "transfusion" and "stitching" were thrown around just as I felt a sharp, burning pain in my arm. Within moments my head swam and my body felt heavy. The yelling stopped and the voices around me became fuzzy; I felt distant from the scene unfolding in front of my eyes.

"Deep breaths, Eren, it'll be okay in a few seconds, just wait. Just wait." Hanji's murmur, concerned but strangely soothing, was the last thing I heard. Fuzzy outlines gave way to black and before I knew what had happened, I was out cold.

* * *

 I dreamed of him.

I dreamed that I woke up with him beside me. His body was unscathed and beautiful; his legs were tangled with mine and his hand was warm against my neck.   The sun was just starting to rise and it bathed the room in pinks and reds. His default uninterested expression did not make an appearance on his sleeping face; instead, his lips curled up just slightly and his eyes were serene and relaxed. The light streaming in bathed his skin in pink and for just a moment he looked happier than I had ever seen him.

A light touch from my fingertips on his cheek made him stir. He opened his eyes and the steely grey glimmered with hints of orange, just like the sky. He established eye contact and maintained it with a familiar intensity, then he moved his hand to gently rub the faded bruising around the base of my neck, just under the collar of my shirt.

"Don’t do that again, don’t ever do that again."

I raised a hand to hold his firmly in mine, a vow, but my palm was greeted with wet, frigid skin. Deep crimson painted his slender fingers and he was pale again. He was pale and so incredibly cold in my grip. Dread formed knots in my stomach and I felt like I was going to vomit.

_"Never again."_

I woke up screaming and my skin was slicked in sweat, especially my hands. When I was able to catch my breath and finally get my bearings, I noticed that I wasn't in my room. The walls were white-washed and my bed was the only bed in the room. A dresser sat to the right of my head, and opposite of the bed were two chairs occupied by Hanji and Petra.

"Levi… where's Levi? Is he alive? Please tell me he's alive," Hearing myself say those words made my eyes sting with tears. Not knowing whether he was alive or not, especially after that fucking dream, scared me so much. I had been in no condition to properly check his pulse myself, so for all I knew, I had been holding his corpse. It terrified me that I wasn't sure if I could handle losing another person without breaking.

"He's alive, yes. And extremely lucky that you got to him when you did!" Petra forced a smile, an obvious attempt to lift the oppressive atmosphere. I was wholly incapable of smiling back while I bit my hand in a last-ditch effort to keep my tears at bay.

"Where is he? I need to see him."

"I'm afraid we can't let you, Eren. You may be able to see him soon, but I can't promise anything. I'm really, really sorry. We do need to ask you some questions and evaluate you, so bear with us for just a little while, alright? A little bit later today we're going to take you to see another therapist just to see if you need any help coping with what you walked in on."

I fell back into the bed and buried my face in my hands. My greatest fear had been addressed and I knew that I had walked in on Levi at the right time. He was somewhere in the hospital breathing the same stale air that I was breathing. Despite knowing that, I still couldn't shake the overwhelming desire to see him. That was the only way that I'd be able to get the sight of his limp body out of my head, it was the only way that I'd be able to stop dwelling on the sight of his blood. I desperately needed to feel his warmth, to _feel_ that he was alive.

When I had regained consciousness after my suicide attempt, Mikasa was the first thing that I had seen after working through my unfamiliar surroundings. _Levi didn't have a Mikasa_ , I realized. I didn't care how hardened and emotionless he was or tried to be, when I thought about him waking up in an empty, foreign room while attached to numerous beeping devices, it absolutely killed me. He would undoubtedly wake up in pain for one reason or another. All of it would have to be worked through without someone trusted nearby to take the edge off.

"Petra, please-"

"I'm sorry, Eren. I really am, you know I am."

I was already emotionally vulnerable, and that in addition to my natural hot-headedness ensured that I was seething in seconds.The fact that I had just woken up from a drug-induced stupor did nothing to improve my mood, especially since my arm was still sore around the injection spot. "He doesn't have anyone, I can't let him be wherever the hell he is without someone he knows with him. Just let me see him."

She sighed heavily in response. "There isn't anything I can personally do. You'll have to ask someone with more authority than I have, but I have to warn you that it's a long shot," I gritted my teeth and forced myself to take a deep breath. Taking it out on Petra would get me nowhere and she didn't seem to be holding up particularly well either. "Would you be willing to answer a few questions, Eren? Or do you need time?"

Time wasn't what I needed. It took every ounce of my willpower not to spew something snarky about _needing_ alcohol, a cigarette, and to fucking see Levi. "I'm okay. Go ahead, I'll do what I can."

"Alright… First of all, did you see Levi doing anything lately that was unusual for him?"

The question caught me by surprise. I hadn't expected it to be asked at all, let alone for it to be the first thing out of her mouth. I paused to replay the last few day's occurrences through my head, then nodded. "I guess? I mean, he's usually pretty distant and quiet and antisocial, but I guess it has been a little bit worse lately. He's been all over the place, his moods have been fluctuating."

"Could you describe what you mean by that?"

"It's hard to describe. I don't really understand it myself," I paused again to try to figure out how to explain it without enclosing details about our pseudo-relationship or our late-night endeavors. "We'll be talking and it'll be just fine, then it's like I blink and he's pushing me away again. I'll talk to him again at night and he'll be okay again. I don't even know if anything that I do triggers it because he doesn't tell me anything. By anything, I mean _anything_. So if you want to ask me questions about him, you're wasting your time," For the first time, I saw Petra's frustration when she furrowed her eyebrows and jotted down a few notes.

"Well, even that much helps. He's such a difficult person to get through to, so thank you so much, Eren. You know what… Instead of evaluating you now, we'll come back a little later. You just woke up, you deserve some time to rest and relax. You've been through a lot and you're doing so well. Let's go, Hanji!"

Petra stood and started toward the door and Hanji moved to do the same, but after studying my face for a moment, she sat back down. "Go ahead, Petra. I want to talk to Eren for a little while to gather some data for my research."

Petra shrugged and shot us both smiles before she left the room, closing the door behind her. Hanji sighed and pulled her chair closer to the side of my bed. "Now, Eren, what I'm about to do isn't exactly what I'm supposed to do. In fact, it's what I'm _not_ supposed to do. With that said, there are certain things that I believe you deserve to know. Ask me questions and I'll do my best to answer them if I can."

"Questions like what?"

"What did you wake up wanting to know?"

My heart pounded hard in my chest when I thought back to my post-nightmare thought process. "Levi's alive… Oh! Where is he, Hanji? And how is he doing?"

"Atta boy! Exactly what I wanted. He was in the ICU for a little while because he had lost so much blood. We were genuinely worried about the possibility of organ failure. Luckily, it doesn't seem as though anything happened, but we won't know for sure until he wakes up and lets us know how he feels. His cuts were incredibly deep and we still don't know for sure what he had used, but there is speculation that it was a screw. He's stitched up now and he had a somewhat lengthy blood transfusion. He was sleeping when I checked twenty minutes ago, and I assume that he still is. It took a lot out of him. Right now, he's up in a regular hospital room recovering."

The detailed report had settled my nerves significantly but, like anything related to Levi, it left me with so many more questions. "We don't know why he did it, right?" She nodded, then I tried, "Well, maybe you can tell me what he can't, then. What do you know about his past?"

She studied my face and narrowed her eyes slightly, as though she was trying to determine my intentions, but it gave way to a sad smile. "Levi has been here for a while. He was a real mess when he got in. He had one of the most severe dissociative disorder cases we've ever seen-"

"Wait, what? What's that?"

"Oh, you didn't know? I guess that makes sense, you're not exactly _supposed_ to know. Alright. Levi suffers from something a little bit like dissociative identity disorder, which you may recognize as multiple personality disorder. The only difference is that his 'identities' aren't completely separated, it's almost like it was mixed with a severe form of bipolar disorder. He has a baseline, an 'identity' that completely isolates him from everyone, and an 'identity' that is extremely expressive and seeks safety and human interaction. Most of us in the ward have only really seen his baseline. Irvin was the first one to see all three-"

"Irvin. Who the hell is he? Levi talks to him like they're best friends and he wouldn't tell me anything about their relationship."

"Eren, you keep interrupting me! I'm getting there, just give me a second. I could be going into so much more detail, but I figured I'd spare you. Irvin was the only person that Levi ever opened up to. He's a nurse in the ward. They hit it off almost immediately. They're like brothers," The relief that I felt in my chest when she said the word "brothers" was almost embarrassing, but I didn't let it show on my face. I had no right to be jealous of Irvin in any way; not only were Levi and I not together, I wasn't supposed to feel anything toward him and I sure as hell didn't have the foggiest clue what he felt about me. "Irvin's the only reason why Levi has progressed as much as he has. Details about them or how they met are going to need to be obtained from one of them personally. 

"Anyway! He was a mess when he got in. His burns and cuts were all fresh. He didn't talk to anyone but he didn't seem depressed, he was absolutely emotionless. Even more so than now, if you could believe that. It was like something had completely wiped out his ability to feel anything. Irvin somehow worked his magic and got Levi started on the road to recovery and managing his disorder. He's incredibly intriguing and he doesn't seem to necessarily hate me, I've gotten past his barriers a few times… But ultimately, you're the only person since Irvin that he's even considered getting close to."

"I can honestly say that was all news to me," I had to hide another blush behind my hands. Armin was (unsurprisingly) right again, I remembered, most of the things that put color in my cheeks had to do with Levi. I let out a groan while I thought about it, forgetting that Hanji was still sitting in front of me, and she responded with a confused "Hm?" Sufficiently mortified at this point, I pulled up my knees and buried my face in the sheets that covered them. "Is there… Uh, is there anything else you can tell me about him? What happened to trigger all of this?"

"Unfortunately, you're going to have to ask him about that yourself." I glanced up at her from my knees and she was watching me with a strangely understanding smile. It reminded me of the look on Armin's face just before he had asked me if I liked Levi... and then it clicked. Levi's words rang in my head, _Your face is ridiculously honest when you've just woken up._ Shit. 

"Hanji, I really need to see him. If not for him, for me. All I can see is his stupid body laying in a pool of blood, and I know that he'll wake up without anyone, and you said I'm the only one he's gotten close to…" I was grasping at straws shamelessly, figuring I'd already managed to max out my blushing capabilities and I had no reason to hide my eagerness from her anymore. The woman was significantly more perceptive that people gave her credit for. In theory, that was what made her perfectly suited for her job. 

She was silent for a long time and it made me restless. Every second wasted was another second that I was tortured with thoughts of him waking up alone. Logically, I knew that he wouldn't be thrilled to see my face, and there wasn't a chance in hell that he'd want to talk to me. I didn't even know what side of him I'd face, and he wouldn't know that I knew about what he was going through. There was so much that we needed to discuss and it was even worse that, regardless of when I saw him, our conversation would have to wait. Barraging him with the things that had raced through my mind for the last day would be detrimental to his health and it was likely that he would tell me to shut up before I even managed to open my mouth anyway. That's just how Levi was.

"It's not going to be easy, Eren. You're not family, you're a patient in this ward, and you want to be there when he wakes up," I squeezed my shut and let my head lean back against the wall. God forbid anything would ever be easy. She stopped and bit her lip, adjusted her glasses, and then clapped her hands together so quickly that I jumped.  "Oh, what the hell. I'll escort you there and if they say anything to us, we'll come back. If they don't say anything, we'll stay for as long as you need to stay. It's just after lunch right now, so I'll tell everyone that I'm taking my lunch break. This is your free time so nobody should pay a hell of a lot of attention to you not being here. Meet me in front of the group room in five minutes. Get dressed, use the restroom, do what you need to do while I'm getting ready. Sound good?"

"Thank you so much, Hanji."

A strained gasp was forced out of my throat when she lunged at me with her arms open and squeezed me tight. "I know that there's a no touching policy but nobody listens to it anyway and you are just so interesting. Incredibly easy to read, too! You can leave whenever you're ready, you don't need to make the bed or anything. Your clothing was moved to this dresser while they were working on cleaning your room. I'll see you soon!" It was actually amazing how quickly her enthusiasm had returned. I collapsed back on the bed with a frustrated sigh when she shut the door.

It felt like my thoughts hadn't stopped cycling since I was checked into this ward. The relief that I had _just_ felt had been replaced with anxiety and an overwhelming feeling that I had too much to do in an incredibly short period of time. Stress. School had rarely given me this feeling because of how little I actually worried about doing outside work. It felt like life's final "fuck you" that this ward's purpose was providing patients with methods for coping with stress but it provided me with more stress than I'd came in with. Anything regarding Levi was stressful by default. The realization that I had absolutely no idea what I'd do when he _did_ wake up was nerve-wracking enough that it made my stomach ache. 

My body still didn't quite feel like my own while I slid on a pair of sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. There was still traces of his blood caked deep underneath my fingernails, deep enough that I didn't know how I'd manage to get them out. A wave of nausea hit me like a brick to the esophagus and I forced myself to leave in order to focus on something else. My body felt unnaturally heavy for my legs and walking across the room put so much strain on my body that I was out of breath by the time I managed to close the door behind me. A quick glance at the clock told me that I still had a little over three minutes before I needed to meet Hanji, and there wasn't a single doubt in my mind that I needed to see Armin.

He left the table the second that I stepped into the entertainment room and met me halfway to our normal meeting area. "Eren, you don't have to tell me anything about it, I already know most of the details. How are you holding up?" He reached up to rub my arm and recoiled when I winced.

"Sorry, Armin. They had to drug me to get me under control, I guess. I feel like I haven't moved in a solid week and someone spent a day shooting paintballs at one spot on my arm, point-blank. I'm alive, though. And I'm beginning to realize that sometimes, that's enough."

He sighed and hugged me hard instead of saying anything right away. After a long silence, he breathed, "Everyone thought that it was you at first, that something happened to you. Your screaming hit us all at the same time and it felt the entire ward just froze completely for a second. I was so scared, I couldn't bear losing another person in my life. When someone said that it was Levi, I was so relieved, but at the same time… Eren, he's okay, right? Do you know?" I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him hard in return, delighted and comforted by human interaction and his warmth.

"I'm going up to see him now. Cover for me, alright? He isn't awake yet, I was told that he lost a lot of blood. That's all that I know. He can't wake up alone, Armin. He saved my life so the least I can do is make sure that he doesn't wake up in some overly-sanitized hospital room alone."

"I dunno, Eren, he might be pretty okay with a spotless hospital room."

I bit my lip to stop myself from laughing and he tried to do the same, but a snort betrayed his attempt and we both burst into laughter that was entirely too lively for the actual level of "funny" his statement had. It was a release. We laughed because we were scared, we were relieved, we were nervous and stressed and upset and so glad to have each other's friendship. "Armin, you know what?"

He let go of my body and sat back, wiping away tears left over from the nearly hysterical laughing. "No, what?"

"You're probably the best friend that I've ever had, not counting Mikasa."

"You're fibbing. I'm nothing special, Eren. You've known me for such a short amount of time. I'm just a decent person."

"Armin, listen to me. You know how stubborn and hot-headed and impulsive I am, right? I'm always more fights than friendships. You've dealt with my shit and I've said some awful things to you, but you still stuck around anyway. You give the most amazing advice, too. You know, even Levi said that you were intelligent and that was before we were even close," I watched him blush deeply and his eyes wandered across the room. "I told you before, you don't give yourself enough credit. It's because of you that I went back early, so essentially, you saved Levi's life. You've kept me grounded on numerous occasions. Thank you so much. When I'm back, I'd really love to talk to you about _you_. Maybe the ocean, yeah?"

He squirmed and wiped tears from his eyes again in a quick motion. "Yeah. Yeah, that would be really great. I'm so glad you're okay, Eren. Go ahead… Wait. One last thing."

I had already stood and started toward Hanji, who was waiting outside of the group room. I stopped on a heel and turned to face him again. "Yeah?"

"When he wakes up, don't say more than you need to say. Alright? Sometimes human contact alone is enough, sometimes it says more than words ever could. You can be the judge. You know him better than you think." And Armin certainly knew me better than he thought. That was one less thing to worry about: I didn't have to say anything to Levi unless I had to. Easy. Following a nod and a warm smile, I half-jogged to Hanji and we turned to leave immediately.

"Your body is going to be a little weak for a little while until the sedative is completely out of your system, if you haven't already noticed. How are you feeling otherwise?"

"My throat is a little sore."

"I would imagine. You screamed until you couldn't anymore, and even then you kept trying. You only stopped when we sedated you. Then you woke up screaming this morning, remember? I'm surprised that you can talk at all right now."

Something about that statement struck me as incredibly funny and I laughed out loud so suddenly that she cringed. "You may be the only one surprised, Hanji." I tried to ignore the puzzled look that she gave me and instead changed the subject. "How long do I get with him? Or… What should I expect? I've never done any of this before," Looking back, I don't think I had ever been inside of hospital at all before my suicide attempt. My father had been a doctor and if I was ever sick, he treated me at home. That would explain why I was shaking so hard; the long corridors and incessant beeping noises were already intimidating enough without me being completely unfamiliar with them.

"I won't rush you. You can stay as long as you need to or until someone kicks us out, whatever happens first. His arms are going to look bad. The cuts themselves were bad, and the stitches certainly don't make them any easier to look at. He's going to look tired and frail and for the most part, he is. He'll try to make it seem like he's perfectly fine because that's just how he is. Keep in mind that he's human, even if he doesn't always want to think so. Be careful with him and don't let him overexert himself, we don't want for his wounds to open up again. Is there anything else you'd like to know, Eren?"

We had stopped in front of a closed door that I assumed opened into Levi's room. It felt like my heart was going to pound out of my chest. Hanji's warnings had only made me nervous, and there was nothing inside of me that felt ready in any way. I was panicking. My thoughts were racing again, my vision was fuzzy, and my heart was beating so hard that I would've been able to hear it if my breathing wasn't already so ragged. Hanji put her hands on my shoulders and looked directly into my eyes. "Everything will be fine. Just do what you always do, Eren. Breathe. Think about this. Levi has never had anyone here to visit him in the ward and he hasn't had anyone to visit him in situations like this. Irvin's a nurse, his visits barely count. You are the _only one._  I'm right outside the door if you need anything for any reason. Take a deep breath," I filled my lungs and exhaled completely, "Good, again," I followed her instructions, "Last time," A deep, slow, calming breath to finish it off, "Good. Remind me to work on that with you when we go back downstairs. Go ahead, Eren. You'll be fine."

I still felt like I would collapse at any moment but it was no longer accompanied by the sensation that I had just run a marathon. I could finally breathe, though I wasn't entirely sure if that was actually a good thing at the moment. "Hanji, thank you so much for everything.  I don't know how to possibly show you my gratitude-"

"Tell me if anything interesting happens. With you or him. You know, his personalities or your physical reaction to stimuli and stress while you're in there. Sweating, dizziness, heart rate increase, dissociating, nausea, mania, depression, anything! This is a very unique situation and documenting your responses will provide me with such an intimate look into the way your mental states react…" I was staring and I couldn't be bothered to be tactful about it. Her voice trailed off when she finally caught my bewilderment and wrapped it up with a slightly embarrassed sigh, "Just let me know what happens. Good luck, Eren," I picked up a hint of amusement in her voice when she threw in, "Tell Levi hello for me," just as I grasped the door handle.

I closed my eyes as soon as the door opened and I shut it behind me carefully. The only things that I heard were the beeps that mimicked his heartbeats and the soft sound of his breathing. It was enough to emotionally incapacitate me for a moment and I leaned back on the door, eyes still closed tight to keep my tears at bay. Each beep signified a heart beat. For a few minutes, those beeps were my favorite sounds, and the rhythm that they followed was a fucking masterpiece.

I took a deep breath (Hanji would be proud of me for using her calming techniques!) and finally opened my eyes. The room was no different from the one that I had woken up in. White walls, a white ceiling, and the strong scent of hospital-brand sanitation. The bed that held Levi was significantly bigger than he was and it almost looked as though it could swallow him at any moment. He wouldn't have appreciated the observation at all. Hanji had been right: he was pale and he looked incredibly tired. I pulled a chair up to the bed and sat down, immediately leaning over the bed to stroke his hair and tuck it away from his face. I shuddered unintentionally when my fingertips brushed his skin.

He was so incredibly warm.

The revelation made tears fall freely but I was too relieved to care. After all of this time, it had finally hit me that Levi was _actually alive._

I scanned the blankets and moved a few around, searching for his hands and arms. I was terrified to see them but I craved the feeling of his hand in mine, the way that his fingers fit between my own perfectly. When I finally found them, my heart sank. The cuts were alarmingly deep and there were so many different wounds that it looked like someone had haphazardly sewn his arms just because they liked the contrast of black on (almost) white. I closed my eyes hard and buried my face in his sheets, breathing through a wave of nausea and lightheadedness. There were still flakes of dried blood that demanded attention against his pallid complexion. It scared me. It really did. I would never admit it to anyone, but a voice in the back of my head told me to run, to leave before I got myself caught up any further. The only problem was that I was already too involved. This broken man had saved my life and I had saved his, that was the definite of our relationship. Whether what we did outside of that was as result of genuine feelings or just licking each other's wounds was ultimately up to him, but we were bound no matter what.

I grasped his hand and fit it into mine, then gently stroked the bones in the back of his hand with my thumb. _This hand had done so much damage_. It was almost hard to believe as I stared at his thin, delicate fingers. My other hand moved to gently support his arm as I brought his them to my lips, pressing the heat of his skin to mine.

His hand moved out of my grasp suddenly and I was incredibly confused until his palm cupped my cheek and his thumb wiped away a tear. When I looked at his face and saw his barely open eyes staring at me, steely grey and tinged with orange from a display over the bed, my heart stopped and nothing existed in my perception except for him.

"Don't do that again, don't ever do that again," I quoted in a shaky tone that I couldn't control. Crying was something that I hated doing and on any other day I wouldn't have cried in front of anyone for any sum of money, especially not Levi. Right now, however, it didn't matter, and I couldn't have controlled it even if it did. I lifted an elbow to cover my face but he pushed it away gently, and I didn't argue. He eventually pulled me up on the bed to sit beside him so that his hand could slip through my hair and periodically wipe my tears. His other hand grasped my own and we sat in a silence only interrupted by my sobs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw, babies. We'll get some much-needed Levi backstory next time. I always misjudge when things will happen. Sorry guys. Hope you enjoyed. Leave comments because I love answering them and talking to you all. <3 Messages on tumblr are MORE THAN welcomed as well, don't be a stranger. You will never be bothering me. <3


	11. Rivaille

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some Levi stuff. And some fluff.  
> I hope you guys like it~  
> I still track #fic: what it means to feel, #what it means to feel, and #opulence, and I still love messages because you guys are my world~  
> I got my first piece fanart last night and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. ;-;  
> Look up hikariix on tumblr, incredible Ereri art. INCREDIBLE.
> 
> OKAY NOW GO READ. I'll be fixing typos and awkward phrases periodically for the next day or two because 2 AM edits are so unreliable it hurts. Woooooo~

When my sobbing had reduced to sniffling and the occasional shuddering breath, Levi urged me to lie down beside him with a quick movement of his hand. There was a moment of silence while we stared at the ceiling together like we had done the second time that he had kissed me, and even though my heart was beating so fast that it probably could've warranted my own hospital stay, everything was surprisingly comfortable. His hand was still in mine and I realized that my grip was probably painfully tight, but I didn't loosen it. If anything, I held him tighter, as though a part of me was still convinced that if I let go he'd be gone forever.

His voice, soft and raspy, shattered my thoughts and brought me back to reality in record time. "Oi, brat," Those two words alone hit me with another wave of relief and nearly broke me down again. "How did you manage to get up here? Don't tell me you snuck up; I'm not going to be held responsible for you doing stupid shit," His brash words were betrayed by what may have been the first look of relief I had ever seen on Levi's face.

"Oh, ah-" I cleared my throat and took a deep breath to erase the last hints that I had ever been crying, "Hanji brought me up. I don't know how long I'll be able to stay, since I'm limited to however long it takes for someone to kick me out, but I'll take what I can get. I almost didn't get a chance to come at all because Petra didn't think that she had the authority to let me see you. I guess Hanji figured since I found you, I at least deserved to see that you were alright."

Any hint of contentment on his face was replaced with somberness. "Wait, what did you say?"

I didn't have the foggiest clue. "What do you mean?"

"Eren, what did you mean when you said that you found me?"

The pain in his eyes and his voice told me immediately that I shouldn't have said anything. This was one of the topics that shouldn't have been discussed right away and I mentally kicked myself. My stupid fucking mouth. "No, forget it, Levi. It's really not-"

"Eren, I'm fucking serious. Stop giving me lip and answer me."

I covered my face with my free hand in an attempt to prevent eye contact. "I came back to the room early and I found you. Everything's really fuzzy in my memory because they drugged me-"

"What… What on earth did you do that they drugged you?"

"I don't know, I mean… I know that I was screaming. I remember them pulling me away from you, too. I wouldn't let you go. Everything was so detached, I really just remember you in my arms and them trying to take you," I muttered, blushing slightly underneath my hand. Levi replied with a heavy sigh, and I quickly added, "Look, Levi, I know that you're annoyed with me because it's my fault you're alive right now and that's not what you wa-"

"Jaeger, stop running your fucking mouth all of the time. Do you think about a damn thing that you want to say before you say it? It's all assumptions and they're not even assumptions based upon anything legitimate. I really think that you make shit up in your head to give yourself an excuse to work my nerves. I wasn't annoyed with you at all, although I sure as hell can't say the same for right now."

Having this conversation so soon after him waking up made his words sting more than usual. I unlaced my fingers from his and sat up abruptly. Hanji was still waiting outside of the door, and leaving was starting to seem like the most appropriate course of action. I was working his nerves enough that his heart rate had risen and there was no way that that was good for him, especially now. There was only so much that I could personally handle, too. Regardless of whether or not I wanted to be, I was still emotionally vulnerable. 

Just as I moved to get off of his bed, Levi grabbed my wrist hard. "Eren, sit back down. Ugh. Give me a second to breathe. I just need a second."

I laid back beside him without a word, watching him run his fingers through his hair from the corner of my eye. It wasn't an absentminded gesture, he was frustrated and I felt responsible. With that said, I wasn't stupid enough to open my mouth again. As much as I wanted to try to calm him down, I knew that there was a fifty-fifty chance that I'd just make it worse.

It was a blessing when he finally spoke. "Okay, where do I even start with you? I'm not annoyed that I'm alive… Well, I take that back; everything is going to be a pain in the ass for a pretty good period of time after this, but that's not what bothered me. I wasn't annoyed at you. You didn't do anything wrong," he sighed and rubbed his temples, "I just _really_ didn't want you to be the one to have to find me. I suppose that's my own fault for not thinking it through. You're a good kid, you shouldn't have had to deal with seeing that."

"I'd never been so scared in my life."

"Yeah, I would imagine that there was a lot of blood. Not the best sight to see, I'm sure they're having a great time cleaning that up."

"That's not what I meant, Levi."

"Hm?" He raised an eyebrow and tried to cross his arms until he realized that his forearms hurt and that the position wouldn't have been comfortable. His attempt at sassiness even while bedridden would've been endearing if the circumstances had been different.

"I thought you were dead. When you were in my arms, you were so cold. You were so fucking cold and you're never cold. You're always so warm, Levi, I swear to god I thought I was holding your corpse. I don't know if I was trying to give you my body heat or what when I was holding you, but I couldn't let go and they drugged me before I even had the chance to find out definitively whether or not you were alive. Then I had a nightmare that you were dead and I woke up screaming," My eyes burned again and I clenched my fists so hard that I almost drew blood. "You were so cold and I've never been tha-"

His hand moved my chin to face him and pulled my mouth open in a single motion, then he pressed his lips to mine with a tenderness I hadn't felt before. He pulled back just enough that our lips didn't touch but our foreheads did, a nostalgic position, and murmured, "Forget how cold I was. Remember now, remember my warmth the way that it is _right now_. I'm alive, probably because of you. If you really wanted to, you could say that you're the only reason for my warmth, since you seem like the kind of person who would like sentimental shit like that."

"Don't ever do that to me again. Ever."

"I won't."

"Promise me, Levi. I can't do that again, I can't see you like that. I'm already going to have nightmares for the rest of my lif-"

Once again his lips interrupted me mid-sentence but this time he turned on his side- albeit with a grunt of discomfort- and held me close with both of his hands, one on my cheek and one behind my neck, just below my hairline. The kiss was slow but hungry; his tongue dominated my mouth within moments and I let him. It hadn't occurred to me how much I would've missed his taste, how soft his lips were, and the way that all of his movements were deliberate and skilled. He bit my tongue gently, then my bottom lip, then kissed tears off of my cheeks that I hadn't realized were falling.

"You talk too much. Why are you crying now, again? I'm not dead, kid. This isn't a nightmare. Look… Give me your hand." 

I did as I was told and he took it, then slid it just beneath the hospital gown and pressed it against his chest. His thin frame ensured that every breath he took expanded his chest noticeably against my fingers, and at that particular moment, even the dips of scars on his skin seemed exaggerated and strangely beautiful. I moved my hand to the side just slightly, so that my thumb was situated between his pectoral muscles and my palm was over his heart. Each beat synced with the monitor's beeps and pulsated softly against my hand, making my own heart stop.

"You can say that you're the reason why all of that happens too, brat. I'm sure that'll make you plenty happy. No more crying, waking up to you crying was bad enough."

"Well, _sorry_ my crying bothers you that much-"

"Jaeger," he growled with a warning tone, and I stopped talking immediately. "We're going to need to work on teaching you self-restraint when you speak. My god, it's like you've got verbal diarrhea."

Well, Levi was undeniably back.

Without another word in response, I moved my body closer to his and buried my head in the side of his chest, careful to avoid touching his arms. He made a low growling sound in protest that I ignored, absentmindedly messing without the folds of the gown over his stomach. He was silent for a long time, completely still except for his chest rising and falling with his breathing. I had expected for him to _at least_ push me away at this point, and the fact that he hadn't made me incredibly apprehensive. I couldn't see his face, and that made it infinitely worse. My body tensed instinctively when I felt the first sensations of him shifting beneath me and moving his arms, and I squeezed my eyes shut the moment he touched me, expecting at the very least to be removed from his chest. Instead, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and breathed a burdened sigh. 

"Why are you so interested in knowing about me, Eren?"

"Huh? Well… You were the first person other than Petra that I spoke to in the ward. Despite that, I knew about everyone else before I knew anything about you. I guess that's still the case, too. I know how old you are. That's all. It doesn't make sense. If you think about it, we've seen each other while we were the most vulnerable we'd ever been, but there's still a wall there. I guess it's not my place, though. There are no valid reasons to back up any claims I make saying that I deserve to know about you."

"That's not true."

"Wait, which part?"

"Jesus Christ, Jaeger, you walked in on me dying in a pool of my own blood," Levi stopped when he saw me wince and look away; he bit his lip and took a deep breath. "You have dealt with my shit more than anyone else has. Every single day. I confuse you and mess with your head but you keep coming back. I force you to do this and you get nothing out of it. That's not fair. I may be an ass, but I'm not heartless. Mind you, it's also stupidity on your part, but that can't be helped. You're a kid."

"That's not true either, Levi. You didn't force me to do anything and I've gotten plenty out of it. You even saved my life," Probably in more ways than one, but there was no chance in _hell_ that I'd tell him that. "I know you're not heartless. Everyone has demons. Of course I'd like to know about you because I want to at least try to understand you, but it isn't my place or anything."

"I'm telling you right now that it _is_ your place. It's up to you to figure out if you want to listen or not. And Eren, if you open your mouth and ask me 'are you sure?' like I know you want to, I swear to god I will kick you off of this bed and call the nurses to tell them that you escaped from the ward to harass me. Understood?"

I bit my lip hard, pretending like that exact phrase hadn't been on my mind, and nodded. "I won't say anything. I want to listen."

There was a pause as he tightened his grip on my shoulders, then he started uneasily.

"You know that I speak French, right? That was my first language. I was raised just outside of Bordeaux, in France. I'm not sure if you're familiar with it, it's basically the wine capital of the world. No? Didn't think so. You're too innocent to drink alcohol, and you failed Spanish twice. God forbid you even try to learn about France. Alright. We had a little house in the countryside and my parents worked in a vineyard for people that we were incredibly close friends with. Everything was fantastic for a long time. I was homeschooled with the owner's children because I had grown up with them and he had offered to pay for my schooling.

"I left every day two hours before my parents did, and always got back two hours before they did. Sometimes if I finished early or felt particularly motivated, I stayed after and helped them in the fields or wherever they were working on that particular day. The owner, their boss, occasionally invited us to stay for dinner or just to chat, it didn't matter. They were like my second family, and my parents actually trusted him enough to make him my godfather. I was eight years old when every single aspect of my life was snatched away from me.

"It was a Monday in October. It had been a particularly cold month and the kids had all gotten sick, so naturally, I did too. I think I may have had the flu, actually… But the point is that I was sick. I had already left the house, but halfway to the vineyard for school, I started feeling awful. Bad enough that I decided to go back home and take a sick day so that I didn't end up vomiting all over their beautiful home. By the time I got back to my house, my head was spinning and my fever was starting to cause confusion. As a result, I just attributed the fact that the front door was open to my own stupidity and walked in without a second thought. I was so fucking stupid. That piece of shit."

I leaned back from his chest for a moment to study his face. His eyes were shut tightly and he was… Shaking? Remembering what Armin said, I forced myself to remain silent and instead snaked my arms around his chest in an embrace. I didn't know how comforting it really was, but it seemed to help. I'm not sure if he realized it, but he relaxed just slightly in my arms, and he let out a breath that I hadn't known he'd been holding.

"My parents would've usually been getting ready, walking around the house trying to find things or making food or showering. They weren't. The house was a fucking mess, too. I knew that something was wrong but I just attributed it to my fever and kept looking. God, the house wasn't even trashed like someone had stolen anything. No, it was like a battlefield, there was broken shit _everywhere_. I checked every single room but mine for my mother and father. When I opened the door to my room… God fucking dammit." He tilted his head up so that I couldn't see his face. His voice had broken and I assumed that he was crying, but there weren't any tears streaming down his cheeks and Levi didn't seem like the type to cry easily.

"Ugh. Everything was trashed. Everything I owned was either broken, torn, or ruined. That lying fucking bastard killed my parents in front of me. He stared into my eyes while he did it, with this surprised, satisfied look on his face. He hadn't expected me to walk in, I knew that based off of that fucking look. It didn't matter; in fact, doing it in front of me was the icing on the cake. The only person that my entire family had trusted unconditionally looked directly into my eyes while he slit my mother's throat and snapped my father's neck."

My own neck became uncomfortable and when I went to move to scratch it, the epiphany hit me so hard and so quickly that I let out an audible, groaned "Oh no." It made sense. The reason why he had been so completely destroyed when he walked in on my suicide attempt made sense. The reason why he wanted to transfer rooms made sense. I had been the single most insensitive asshole on the face of the planet. "Levi, I am so sorry. I had no idea, I'm such an idiot."

"Shut up, Eren. Of course you didn't know. It was wrong for me to blame you for something that had nothing to do with you. Yes, you're an idiot. We'll discuss that later. Pay attention, I won't repeat myself."

"I don't remember much of anything after that. He obviously didn't kill me. I don't know why. I don't know what happened to him. I know that I was shipped overseas to stay with some distant relatives that put me through American public schooling. Crock of shit that was. It taught the 'weird antisocial french kid' how to speak English and that was the extent of what I gained there. My homeschooling had brought me grades above my peers and it wasn't a challenge. I felt no need to make friends, nor did anyone bother trying to befriend me. They weren't fond of the 'weird antisocial french kid' or the 'weird goth french kid' or the 'gay goth french kid' and it bothered them terribly that I was good at what they weren't. 

"I can't tell you how many fights they tried to start with me. I learned that I was a good fighter, I had natural strength and I was already in better shape than those American pigs- ah, sorry, habit. They were swine. However, the knowledge that I could fight… Hm. After I graduated, I didn't ship myself off to college. I left 'home' despite having nowhere to go. Lived on the streets. Did drugs because I was still so fucked up, my mind hadn't ever fully recovered from my past. The drugs introduced me to a beautiful alternative to reality but they made what little mental stability I had deteriorate. I realized that didn't like the heroin as much as I liked the pain when the syringe broke my skin. I took my hits and I got fucked up enough that I used whatever I could to break my skin and give me release. I stopped eating. Stopped sleeping. Lost weight. Lost what little will I had to live. I would black out for days at a time and wake up to people that I'd never met before telling me that they knew me. I got into some serious shit because of that. The line between what was real and what wasn't had blurred to the point that I didn't know what reality was. Weeks passed like hours and hours passed like years. I still don't know what actually happened and what was just a result of drugs and illness. I was just living until I took that last hit that would push me over the edge. It never came, of course. But that didn't stop me from getting worse.

"During my last and worst blackout outside of the ward, I've been told that I cut myself until my shirt was completely drenched in my own blood. Someone, somehow, managed to get me here when they saw me stumbling down the street. I woke up alone in a room almost exactly like this, with stitches all over my chest and stomach. I didn't know why I was there, I didn't know why I looked so terrible, I didn't know what I was doing. I went through the worst drug withdrawals I could've imagined. That was fucking awful. Every time I vomited the stitches came undone and they had to redo-" I looked up at his face, wide-eyed, terrified, and nauseated. Levi caught my look, stopped himself, cleared his throat, and continued, "I was just a mess. I don't know how I lived. They put me on medication for everything under the fucking sun because I wouldn't talk to anyone about anything, I didn't even acknowledge their existence. They had no idea what was wrong with me besides my suicide attempt and drug addiction. I don't remember much of this, mind you. This is all what I've been told. I spoke to _nobody_ until Irvin-"

"Levi… This is going to sound so selfish, but could we save everything from Irvin on for later?"

"Why? Did he do or say something to you while I was gone?"

"No. I just… Please? I'll still listen, I promise, I just… There's a lot to take in, and I feel like that's a good place to pick up from later," I knew that I was a terrible liar and I knew that _he_ knew that I was a terrible liar, but I hoped that by some twist of fate I had managed to sound convincing. There was no way. He studied my face and I tentatively stared back until he nodded.

"Yeah. I understand. We'll pick it up later. I probably missed things anyway. It's been a long time since I've had to tell this to anyone. I'm almost positive that I only told you because I'm still exhausted and you came all the way up here. It's not like we have much time left anyway. It's really only a matter of time until someone comes. Are you going to go back now? Hanji's probably still waiting."

I pondered it for a split second and responded with a quick, conclusive, "No."

"No…? Are you expecting that I keep you hidden under the bed?"

"I'm going to stay until they kick me out. I did come all the way up here, after all."

"Has anyone ever told you that you're an idiot?"

"I couldn't even list off all of the names. You may hold the record, though."

"Nobody can call you an idiot anymore. Just me. Understood?"

"How the hell am I supposed to stop people from-"

"Keep mouthing off and we'll see how fast I can make your ass hit the floor."

I shook my head and snorted, Levi responded with a barely-detectable smirk. "By the way, Eren, my birth name, my _French_ name, is Rivaille. I had to adopt another because nobody here understands how to pronounce anything."

"Are you saying that this entire time, I didn't even know your name? Are you joking?" I raised an eyebrow and paused, then continued, "Figures, you're an ass. Anyway... Rivaille. It's really fitting. It's tough, it could bring down an army. I like it, I like how it sounds."

Levi rolled his eyes and pulled me against the side of his body, sliding an arm behind my shoulders. "I'm going back to sleep. Don't leave until I'm completely unconscious, that's an order. Oh, and one more thing."

"Order? You're in no position to give me orders, but I'll stay. On _my own_ accord. What do you want?"

"Je t'aime, Eren." 

"Wait, I still don't know French…?" After a breathy chuckle, he had fallen asleep almost immediately and I realized that he had probably been ready to pass out again since he had woken up. Oh well. He deserved his sleep, and this gave me time to process the knowledge that he had just entrusted me with. Holding off from discussing it right away had been difficult but worth it; he had seemed almost normal (for Levi, that is) just before he'd dozed and his face was peaceful.

All that was left to do was contemplate the absolute nightmare that was Levi's past and wait for someone to tell me to leave. Until then, I tucked my head into the warm cranny between his neck and his shoulders and closed my eyes against the sound of his breathing and his scent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys know what je t'aime means, right? :3


	12. Unanswered Questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well.  
> This...  
> Yeah. I'll talk to you about this at the bottom. Enjoy reading. :3  
> I'm still following #fic: what it means to feel, and I got more (absolutely gorgeous omg guys you don't understand how happy I am with fanart I don't care if you think you have the drawing ability of a one-legged dog I WILL LOVE IT) gorgeous fanart and your messages still make me stupidly happy when I get them on tumblr and AO3.  
> I'm in love with all of you. It's not healthy.  
> I don't know what I did to deserve you guys, I've been happy nonstop since you all started reading. <3  
> My tumblr url is rivaille-fetish so you guys don't have to go looking for it. I hope that made it easier. Dx Sorry!
> 
> Enjoy this chapter? :3

I hadn't realized that the even rhythm of his breathing had lulled me to sleep until I was suddenly awake and shoved into a reality where Hanji's face was the only thing in my line of sight. Having accurately predicted my reaction, she had a hand shoved against my mouth before I could scream in surprise.

"Eren, we need to get going. We still need to get you evaluated by the therapist Petra and I were talking about earlier. That means that we need to get downstairs _now._ "

"Do you think that you could've woken me up in a slightly less terrifying way?" I asked as I lazily took in my surroundings. A few moments passed before I remembered why I was here, but when it hit me, I looked to my left and saw Levi's chest rising and falling gently with each breath. He was still sleeping, despite Hanji. I sat up slowly and carefully slipped off of the bed in hopes that Levi wouldn't wake. He stirred slightly, flipped on his side to face us, murmured something underneath his breath, then continued breathing slowly and steadily. I let out the breath that I had unknowingly held, relieved.

"I'll be right out, okay? Go ahead and figure out the fastest route back to the ward. I have Armin covering for me but I'm not sure how much good that'll do if we're really late," I suggested. She studied my face with an _incredibly_ strange smile and nodded, turned on a heel, and left the room. She was Hanji; this kind of behavior wasn't strange for her. It was strange for everyone else, though, and I couldn't ever hope to understand her the way that she understood everyone else.

Levi was still facing me and the door when I looked back down at the bed. With a sudden surge of confidence, I leaned down and kissed both of his forearms over his cuts, then gently cupped his cheek in my hand and kissed his forehead. I had allowed myself to take in his warmth and prove that he was alive one more time. It was the final assurance that no, I wasn't dreaming; he was alive, breathing, and still himself. "Sleep well, Rivaille. We'll finish that conversation later," I whispered, then took my leave after he made a soft noise of acknowledgement in his sleep.

Hanji started walking immediately upon my arrival in the hallway, and I fell into pace beside her. "So, did anything interesting happen? Anything at all?"

Besides Levi finally opening up to me? I couldn't tell her that. "Well, I got pretty dizzy and nauseated when I saw his arms. I cried a lot, too. I couldn't help it. I'm pretty sure that's normal. My heart rate went up pretty high, it was like I had just run for a solid two or three hours. He seemed agitated for a little while, understandably. Honestly though, Hanji, not much happened that seemed out of the ordinary. He was a mess but I would've been a mess too if I were in his position. I had pretty bad anxiety for a while but it was manageable when we spoke. Sorry if that doesn't do much to help you."

Hanji shook her head frantically and stopped in the middle of the hallway to suddenly clasp my hands. "No, Eren, that's perfect! I told you, this is a fairly unique situation. Even if you both handled it this well, it's still data. This is wonderful! You shouldn't be sorry, only an idiot would be sorry for something like this!" After a hug that was tight enough to crack my back, we continued down the hallway.

"Speaking of idiot, Hanji, do you know any French?"

Her brows twisted in confusion. "I'm not sure I understand the connection between idiots and French, Eren… But yes, I do. Why do you ask?"

"Could you tell me what something means?"

"I might be able to, depending on what it is. I haven't spoken French in years."

"What does… Uh… Je tim? Je tem? I'm so bad at pronunciations."

"Je t'aime, you mean?"

"Yeah, that. Je t'aime. What does that mean?"

"Wait, why do you want to know? Where in the hospital have you been hearing French and who said that?"

"It was Levi," I responded and rolled my eyes, "He said that to me right before he fell asleep and didn't even give me a chance to ask what it meant. He had called me an idiot beforehand so I just assumed that he was calling me an idiot in a different language or something, but I wanted to be sure."

The moment Levi's name left my lips, she ran her fingers through her hair and shook her head amusedly. "Eren, you should ask him yourself. I don't know what it means anymore, I'm really sorry I couldn't be of more help. If you'd like, before lights out, I can bring you up again so you can ask when he's awake. Sound like a plan?"

I nodded. Something told me that she knew _exactly_ what it meant and she just wasn't saying anything, which worried me. Was it really bad enough that she couldn't even give me a hint so that I could brace myself? I didn't know who else I could ask for help. Armin would obviously be my first option, since we'd be speaking at some point soon anyway. Who else? Jean… Jean's name was definitely French, but that didn't necessarily mean that he knew French. I'd prefer asking Levi directly than going to Jean for help anyway. If it really _was_ as bad (or embarrassing?) as I was beginning to think it was, he would never let me live it down, so no, Jean wasn't even an option. Armin was the only person that I had, and if Armin didn't know, I was stuck with Levi. Fuck. 

"It's going to be just like your other therapy sessions, by the way. When you're done, just return to whatever you would normally be doing at that time of day. I'll come get you tonight at… seven-thirty. Visiting hours end at eight, so that gives you half an hour."

"Could we possibly do seven…? I know that half an hour is more than enough time, but we were talking about something pretty important that I had to cut off, and I don't want him to feel rushed."

"Seven it is, Eren! Meet me at the same spot by the door, alright?" She opened the door to the ward and waited until I had stepped through to shut it behind us. "By the way, you will need to stay with someone tonight because your room probably won't be ready yet. Is there anyone that you'd be comfortable with?"

"Could I room with Armin?"

"Not a problem! What time is it? Almost three? Okay. We made it on time, Eren. Go ahead to the room beside the group therapy room to be evaluated, then you can let Armin know that you'll be staying with him tonight." 

I nodded and started toward the the door that she had motion toward. A few steps into my journey across the room, I turned back around for just a moment. "Thanks again, Hanji! You're a great therapist," The blush and smile that crept across her face kept me smiling through the entirety of the therapy session.

 

* * *

 

"So, how'd it go?" 

"The therapy or visiting?"

"Therapy is fairly boring, and I'd know if anything interesting happened because you would've told me. Visiting."

"It… It was nice, Armin. He still confuses the hell out of me but it went better than I would've expected."

"I want details! Come on, tell me what happened. I know you want to, your cheeks are already red and you're smiling again. I absolutely love how flustered you get when you talk about him. Spill."

"I can't help it! Trust me, if I could control my blushing, I would. It's fucking awful and I need to get better at suppressing it," I hid my cheeks in the crook of my elbow out of embarrassment. Armin nudged me with his own elbow then shot me an encouraging look. "Ugh, fine. I was a nervous wreck. Hyperventilating, dizzy, lightheaded, you know the drill. Hanji calmed me down a little. When I finally went in, he was still sleeping. Armin, the beeping of those damn machines sounded like the most incredible song in the world. Each beep synced with his heart and it was the first thing I heard when I walked in the room. That's when it hit me that he was really alive and the next thing I knew, I was crying. I was so fucking relieved."

"Did he wake up while you were there?"

"He did. Scared me shitless, too. His cuts are so bad, but I wanted to see them and find his hands. So I'm sitting there and I had his hand in mine, right? I was just thinking about his warmth and how much damage his own hands had done to his body, and he woke up while I was wrapped up in my own thoughts. He moved his hand away from me and for a split second I thought that he was pissed off. Instead, he surprised me and pulled me up on the bed next to him and let me cry. He wiped my tears and just let me cry."

"Eren, wow. I just… Wow. That's so cute that it hurts, ugh. Continue?"

"I actually broke down a few times while I was up there. All I could think about was how cold he was and how scared I had been when I'd found him, and I couldn't help it. I fucking _hate_ crying but I couldn't help it, Armin. He kissed me for various reasons that I won't relay because I don't kiss and tell," Armin stared at me incredulously and I couldn't help but snort before I continued, "Then he told me about his past while I was lying down next to him. He said that I deserved to know because I had walked in on him while he was bleeding out, which was something that he was highly upset about, by the way. The look he had on his face when I told him could've killed."

"Whoa, whoa whoa whoa. Back up. Are you serious? He told you?" He leaned forward toward me as though being close would somehow grant him better insight into what I was saying. "You've been trying to get this out of him since the first day you came! What happened?"

I bit my lip, then shook my head slowly. "I… shouldn't. He trusted me enough to tell me and I don't want to fuck it up. I'm sorry, Armin. But I will tell you that it was bad. It was _really_ bad, worse than what I'd expected. There were a few times that he almost lost his composure while he was relaying it back to me. You know how stoic Levi usually is, so I hope that tells you something. Oh! Oh God, Armin, and my neck. I know why he was so upset about my suicide attempt and the reasoning behind him leaving the room."

"I understand, really. I'm just glad that you finally got what you were looking for. But… are you at least at liberty to tell me why he switched rooms and about this neck thing? You can't say something like that and then not tell me."

I paused and traced the faded blue and green bruises around the base of my neck contemplatively. Armin was by far the most trustworthy person I knew, and I _had_ forced him into the situation while it was still occurring. He deserved to know about this as much as I had deserved to know about Levi's past. "Sure, yeah. I know that you won't say anything. He… Ugh. He watched two people that were extremely close to him die due to neck wounds. One broken, and one slit. When he saw me trying to strangle myself, Armin, I can't even imagine how much it had triggered him. It's not like he could've told me, either. You know? He had no intentions of telling me about himself at that point, so he was stuck making the choice to leave. I still feel like a complete ass."

"It's not your fault, though, Eren; you didn't know."

"It doesn't matter! He said that too, but it really doesn't matter. It doesn't change the fact he had found me and saved me himself, and I made him promise not to say anything to anyone. I put him in that position and that's absolutely awful. Adding insult to injury, I called him selfish the night that I made him come back to the room and gave him so much shit about leaving. I'm not sure that I'll ever forgive myself for being such an insensitive shit. Wait. On an unrelated note, Armin, how much French do you know?"

"Wha… I know some basic stuff, like common phrases and words. Why do you ask? That came out of nowhere."

"Before Levi fell back asleep, he said something to me in French but I never had the chance to ask what it meant. He passed out before I could."

"What'd he say?"

"Je t'aime. Hanji wouldn't tell me what it meant either, she told me to ask Levi himself."

Armin blushed deeply and covered a budding grin with his hand. "Yeah, sorry Eren. I'm with Hanji on this one."

"What the hell? Is it that bad? At least tell me something so that I know what to expect," I whined. At this point I was getting uneasy. Armin's reaction had been even more unexpected and intense than Hanji's. "Was it really that bad? Why the fuck would he say something like that knowing that I'd go around and ask people? Ugh, he's such an ass." When I really thought about it, I realized that it wouldn't be too farfetched for him to say something embarrassing in to me in French. He had to have known that I'd go around asking people to tell me what it meant. _Bastard._

"Eren… No, just… Just ask him yourself. Don't ask anyone else to translate it for you, please trust me about this one. When are you going to see him next?"

"Tonight. Speaking of which, Armin, could I room with you tonight? They're still cleaning my room and I'd assume that they wouldn't want me in a room by myself anyway. I'll probably be getting nightmares and night terrors for the next couple of days."

"Do you even need to ask? Of course you can. We can talk as long as you need to until you fall asleep and I'll wake you up if you look like you're not sleeping well."

"Thank you so much. I expect personal stories tonight. I feel awful that all I do around you is talk about myself."

"Well, in all honesty, Eren, you're the only one in this ward- other than Jean and Marco, maybe -that has anything interesting going on in his life. I'll eventually run out of stories. You, on the other hand, are making new ones every day."

I paused and bit my lip, deep in thought, then grabbed both of his shoulders firmly and made sure that I sounded as serious as I was. "Consider it my duty to make new ones with you. Alright? I mean, we obviously can't do anything outside of the ward, but we'll figure it out."

"Eren, shut up, I'm going to cry."

"Look, see? The first time I've made you cry and it wasn't even because I said something hurtful without thinking. That's a story and an achievement, on my part."

He pushed me playfully and I caught him in a bear hug that turned into a pseudo-tickle fight, then we exploded into a fit of laughter again. It wasn't a release this time. It was genuine joy, it was relief at finally having someone to call a friend. Our relationship was effortless and light amidst a secluded world of pain and troubled thoughts. "You know, Armin, this is going to sound _really_ stupid, but our friendship reminds me of the ocean. It's refreshing and calming even though it can be rough. I know that I'm the one that makes it rough, shh. It's deep sometimes like when we give advice, it's shallow sometimes when we're just dicking around, and since I don't plan on falling out of contact with you, it seems pretty vast and endless and unpredictable in the best way."

Armin immediately stopped moving and stared at me expressionlessly for what had to be a full minute. When he finally spoke, he pressed a hand to my forehead. "You feeling alright? That may have been the cheesiest thing I've ever heard, _especially_ from you. Is this what you meant when you said that you don't think before you speak?"

My cheeks burned and I looked away, immediately regretting having said anything. "Nevermind! Forget it. It sounded better in my head, and I _did_ think about it. Pretend I didn't say anything. I told you I'm not particularly used to this."

He responded with a tight hug and a ruffle of my hair, then smiled brightly when he pulled back. "No, I agree with you. I can see it. It just caught me off guard and I was a little embarrassed. Thank you so much, Eren. What time are you leaving to see Levi tonight?"

"Seven. I think I may ask Petra if I can sleep until dinner. I'm really exhausted. Did you know that sedative-induced sleep sucks in just about every way? Especially when you wake up screaming with Petra and Hanji sitting in front of you. I fell half asleep while I was with Levi, too, and let me tell you, Armin: You don't know fear until you're half awake and the only thing that you can see is Hanji's face." He erupted into laughter and pointed back to the hallway.

"My… My room is the third on the left. Go ahead and sleep, don't bother telling Petra. If they ask I'll tell them that you weren't feeling well and needed it. Okay? I'll get you when it's time to eat. Get some rest," He declared through giggles and stood, then helped me up from the floor.

"Thank you so much. I'll talk to you soon."

"You too, Eren."

I started toward his room with a yawn. When I opened the door, I was somewhat surprised by what I saw. It was clean (though not up to Levi's standards, nothing was ever up to Levi's standards), but there were books everywhere. They were stacked along the wall at the foot of his bed, a few sat on top of his dresser, and one sat on his bed with the spine bent, turned to a specific page. They dealt with a myriad of different topics, from mythology and philosophy to what looked like generic teen fiction. I couldn't help but smile when I realized that there were a good number of books about foreign lands: Ireland, China, The Phillipines, Poland, Venezuela, and even Latvia. The one on his bed, I noticed, was about Egypt. It made my heart sink a little bit, remembering what he had said about his grandmother. How much was he really holding in around everyone in the ward, me included? It obviously bothered him more than he had let on. The book itself was worn and the binding was in awful shape, tell-tale signs of a well-loved and often-used piece of literature. Purely out of curiosity, I flipped the book and examined the page he had left it open on. 

It was a two-page spread of the pyramids, bathed in pinks and oranges like the sand that Armin had described in his attempt to console Sasha. Knowing that he kept all of this bottled up made my heart hurt, especially since he was constantly there for me. _It wasn't as though I hadn't already felt awful for always talking about myself_ , I thought unhappily. Collapsing into the unused bed, I made a resolve to make up for it tonight, then fell into a dreamless sleep.

 

* * *

 

"Eren? Hey, Eren, wake up. It's time to get up."

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and recoiled into myself, a fruitless attempt to escape the voice. "Eren, c'mon. Get up."

"Shut up, Levi, just a few more minutes. I just want to sleep."

I suddenly felt so much pressure on my chest that I couldn't breathe. With a pained gasp, my eyes opened to Armin sitting cross-legged on my ribcage, staring down at me disapprovingly. "Tsk. I'll ignore that you called me Levi, but you've gotta get up, sleeping beauty. It's dinner and you've got a hot date in two hours," I groaned and hid my face in a pillow until he rolled off of me and pulled me off of the bed and onto the floor. "Eren, I'm pretty sure that Levi had more than one reason for switching rooms," he shook his head, then laughed when I threw a pillow at his face.

"I'm up, okay? Help me up and let's get food. Maybe then I won't kick your ass."

"Kick my ass? Is that going to contribute to those new stories you promised that we'd make?" Armin asked and stuck his tongue out at me while he helped me up. 

"You're a lot more brazen than I thought, you know."

"I figured you'd want to deal with something similar to what you're used to. Besides," he poked me hard in my side, "It's actually surprisingly fun! I'm never like this to anyone. It's nice to know that you won't hate me for being like this. I don't know how long I can do it, though; I'd start to feel like a jerk," We started toward the cafeteria, directly toward our trays.

"Yeah, after a while, it definitely gets into jerk territory. I think it changes you. Maybe when I woke up and thought you were Levi… Maybe that was foreshadowing? Perhaps that's your destiny, to take over Levi's role while he's recovering?" Armin only responded by shoving me to the side a bony hip and laughing. We took a seat at the table with Jean, Marco, and Sasha, but when I sat down, they all immediately fell silent and stared.

"…Is there something on my face, guys? You're acting weird and I'm not used to you guys not talking. You especially, Jean," I prodded, and felt a smug sense of satisfaction when he scowled.

"For your information, Jaeger, we were actually worried about you. It didn't take you long to make me regret it," He hissed bitterly, and Marco sighed.

"Eren, we're really glad you're okay. Armin told us that you were fine and that Levi was okay. He told you that we all heard your screaming, right? All of us were worried, even Jean," He scowled and examined something _incredibly fascinating_ on the surface of the table, "and when you weren't in breakfast we thought that something was seriously, seriously wrong," Marco said with relief while he looked at me. 

Sasha's tense posture had relaxed and she had resumed eating, Marco was smiling again, and Jean was still staring at the table. "So, Jaeger, what actually happened?" He still didn't look up to make eye contact, but there was a detectable hint of concern in his voice. "I mean, if you're okay talking about it."

His reaction had genuinely surprised me. It was so incredibly easy to forget that even the people that you couldn't stand were still human. Would I have been worried if something had happened to Jean? I didn't particularly enjoy admitting it to myself, but I knew that I would've. It was flattering in a (somewhat) unwelcome way. He deserved to know some of what had happened, but there was no way that I would let him access it easily.

"I don't know, Jean. I'm not sure that anyone really wants to hear about it. Everyone's seems content just knowing that I'm okay, right?" I winked at Armin before Jean had a chance to lift his head and see it; Marco caught on shortly afterwards and flashed a microscopic smirk. 

"What? Says who? We all want to know what happened. Right, guys?" Jean scanned the faces of his peers with beseeching eyes.

Sasha shook her head and Marco did the same, stating very matter-of-factly, "No. I'd rather not pry. It's enough for me to know that everyone's doing alright, to be honest."

"Are you sure you weren't just projecting your own feelings onto others?" Armin inquired and Jean blushed furiously.

"Fuck no, I'm not! I couldn't give less of a shit what happened to him."

"Oh, I see," I breathed desolately and broke my gaze away from their faces to focus on the food in front of me. From the corner of my eye, I could see Jean mentally panicking with a look that screamed _How do I fix this?_ while he looked around at everyone in hopes that they'd cover his ass. When nobody stepped up, he grumbled something under his breath and groaned melodramatically.

"Sorry. I care. I do want to know. So quit sulking and looking so damn defeated."

"Well, Jean, that's all you needed to say!" The sudden cheeriness in my voice and expression made him clench his fists and grit his teeth. Marco, on the other hand, had to bite his lips to hold back a smile while he slid an arm in front of Jean to keep him seated and unmoving. "Long story short, I walked in on a suicide attempt. I didn't even know I was screaming at first, honestly. It was… It was really, really awful. If I ever walk in on any of you like that, I will _destroy_ you. I'm so incredibly lucky that Levi survived it," I admitted, then after a quick mental review of what had just come out of my mouth, I corrected, "I meant that Levi's lucky that I came when I did. He had lost a lot of blood. He's doing okay, though. He woke up and it looked like he was in pain, but it didn't look like it was unbearable. He had an issue with feeling weak more than anything than anything," I desperately hoped that I'd figured out a good save. The last thing I needed was Jean spouting off things about wanting to know what exactly Levi and I were to each other. (Especially since I still didn't have any idea myself.)

"Wait, you saw him? He's out in the hospital, not the ward, isn't he?" Jean raised an eyebrow and I internally screamed until Armin interrupted before I had a chance to sabotage myself even further.

"No, we actually asked Hanji together. He apparently woke up for a little while just after lunch, and someone was up there making sure he was okay until he fell back asleep."

Judging by the knowing smile he was trying to desperately to suppress, Marco had caught on. Jean, however, seemed convinced by Armin's explanation, and that had been my top priority. Good enough. All Marco knew for sure was that I had visited him, and even if he thought anything more of it, he couldn't judge. He _wouldn't_   judge. He gave me a knowing nod when dinner was over and he and Jean were leaving. All I could do was force a smile in return. 

Half of the ward officially knew about something that the other person directly involved (Levi, in this case) didn't. As though he had read my mind, Armin gave me a pat on the back on our way out of the cafeteria. "Don't worry about it. It's not a big deal, trust me."

"What if it gets out to him…?"

"I don't think that it will, but even if it does, I'm not sure that anything particularly bad would happen."

"What do you mean?"

"Once again, don't worry about it."

"What the fuck is up with everyone today? Is there some kind of inside joke that I'm not aware of, dealing with keeping me out of the loop with cryptic responses and unanswered questions?"

Armin just laughed and followed everyone in for our customary game of Spades.

As if I wasn't already irritated enough, Jean kicked our asses.

When seven o'clock finally rolled around, I couldn't have been any more eager to leave. Jean had gotten cocky and I still felt like I was being toyed with, then the mix of the two had worked my nerves until I was dangerously close to my breaking point. Hanji only had to look at my face once before she asked, "What happened and how do you feel about it?"

"I'm just irritated," I mumbled as we slipped out of the ward's double doors into the hospital hallway, "Everyone's being weird about not telling me things, and certain people always piss me off. It's fairly normal. And wow, did you really just say that? That was the most generic therapist question I've ever heard-"

"I can't help it! I'm genuinely interested!" Her eyes were intense and eager, almost overwhelmingly so. She had the best of intentions but I couldn't help but feel intimidated by the level of fanaticism she showed sometimes. Now was one of those times.

"I… I feel irritated? I'm getting a headache, I want to punch someone in the face, I'm shaking a little bit."

"Do you feel emotionally vulnerable?"

"Yeah. I mean, I've felt emotionally vulnerable for a good week or two now."

"I understand. You know, a lot of that is your depression. Did you know that? And anger is also a symptom of depression, especially in men. I'm not saying that you don't have a valid reason to be angry, by the way. I just thought I'd let you know," The excitement in her voice while she was talking about depression was ironic and it made me want to laugh. It was difficult to stay irritated with or around her, even if she had been the first one to refuse to tell me anything.

"Hanji, are you sure you can't tell me what je t'aime means?" I tried a final time, and she actually stopped in the middle of the hallway to consider it.

"Eren, I really would, but I don't think that you'd want to hear it from me."

"What does that even _mean_? Everyone refuses to say a word about it. Instead they give me bizarre looks that I can't interpret, and-"

"We're almost there. Who else did you ask?"

"Just Armin, but he said what you said and he smiled in a way that I hadn't seen him smile before. You did it, too. I'm really not as good at reading people as you are, so it's unfair to be so cryptic around me."

She pulled me into her chest for a hug and patted my back a few times reassuringly. "Just trust me. Trust me and Armin. When he tells you, remember to tell me what you felt in that moment. It's another one of those unique situations that I had talked to you about earlier," We were now standing in front of his door again and she put a hand on my shoulder. "Remember to breathe. I _really_ need to pee. I'll be back soon, and if you're still standing out here, I'll push you in myself."

She laughed and I laughed apprehensively along with her, not because it was funny, but because she really would push me in. It wasn't a threat, it was a promise. A mortifying promise that I didn't want to stick around to test. Hanji turned and I watched her walk to the bathroom, taking a few deep breaths to ease my nerves enough for me to open the door. What if he wasn't even awake? Would I just sit there with him like I had this morning? I needed a plan of attack before I went in. 

I pressed my ear to the door, listening for any noises that would lead me to believe that he was awake. I'm not sure what I was expecting to hear, but I can't say that what I heard was what I had been hoping for.

 

"-I love you. Do people _really_ not know that? It's common knowledge, even if people have no 'reason' to know."

"I wasn't 100% sure."

"Now you are. I mean, _e_ _veryone_ knows, but I figured that you of all people would know. I'm surprised, Irvin."

"But… You just said that he has no idea, right?"

"Right. Eren has absolutely no clue. Honestly, I'm looking forward to him asking me about it. I could really mess with him if I wanted to."

"Take it easy on the kid, he's probably still a mess from finding you. Don't overestimate how much he can handle emotionally."

"I wouldn't mess with him long, don't be so fucking high-and-mighty. He obviously has the right to know and someone else will tell him first if I drag it out for too long. We can't have that; I want to tell him myself. I mean, I'm supposed to, right?"

"Usually. I guarantee that he'd prefer to hear you say it instead of anyone else. Not that anyone would particularly enjoy hearing it from you... But he'd like it even less from anyone else."

"Don't be an ass. Speaking of which, I'm still really fucking irritated with you about the night you spent watching me. That hurt and I'm pretty sure it bruised. I would suggest that you refrain from being so flippant right now unless you want to deal with me when I'm angry."

"You asked for it, Levi; it was your own fault."

A thump was followed by laughter, and I leaned back from the door.

 

My heart sank and I felt a tight, solid ball of anguish form in the pit of my stomach. Every heartbeat was quick and painful in my throat, and each breath was the same way. I was suddenly lightheaded and my chest had tightened to the extent that it was constantly uncomfortable, and my entire body trembled so hard that I had to sit against the wall to prevent my legs from giving out underneath me. 

Did I even have the right to be upset? He had never been mine. I had fooled myself into thinking that he had been, and that was my own fault _._ I'd caused this pain for myself. 

My heart hurt _so fucking much_.

The anger from earlier had evolved into a hollowness that had spread from the inside out. He'd led me on. It'd been a game. I'd fallen for his bullshit and I had actually come to let myself believe, as much as I hadn't wanted to, that _maybe_ I had become someone important to him. The nighttime kissing and "confessions" and incredibly kind words hadn't meant anything. Everything about his past had probably been a lie; I've always been fairly gullible. It wouldn't have surprised me. That meant that the only reason that he had been emotional when I'd attempted suicide was because it was a perfectly normal reaction. Anyone would've done what he'd done, just like how Jean had worried about me even though he couldn't stand me. Levi had probably transferred rooms because he'd realized that I wasn't as stable as he'd thought. Crawling back to him to beg for him to come back was just an invitation to continue. I was a pawn in his game and he had undeniably won.

The urge to cry was there, but it was overwhelmed by emptiness. The sudden inability feel anything had washed over me so quickly that I couldn't have fought it off. It was easier this way, wasn't it? 

The sight of Hanji coming back from the bathroom prompted me to stand without shaking. I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want her to see that something had happened. It wasn't even an _option_ for her to find out, so I forced every ounce of my being to act normally. It was pathetic that I was so upset over something that my own mind had fabricated. 

He had never been mine.

I had let him mess with my head.

This was my own damn fault.

"Let's go back down. He's sleeping and I don't want to wake him."

"Oh, alright. I understand. I'm sorry, Eren, I guess it'll have to wait until tomorrow. Think you can stand waiting that long?"

"Yeah. I think I can."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. Like... I'm sorry. Eren has a knack for being at the right place at the wrong time. We all know what Levi was really talking about, right?  
> Dammit, Eren, I miss writing fluffy, smutty scenes so you little shits better solve this quickly.  
> >:C
> 
> I REALLY LOVED THE ARMIN AND EREN FRIENDSHIP IN THIS CHAPTER THOUGH THEY MAKE ME HAPPY
> 
> ps have fun trying to imagine what Levi and Irvin are talking about as far as bruising and pain goes. lololololol


	13. Je t'aime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I see you lying next to me, with words I thought I'd never speak, awake and unafraid, asleep, or dead."
> 
> Gah, this chapter made me emotional. Enjoy, guys. At least, I hope you enjoy. 
> 
> PS. I LOVE YOU GUYS FOR MAKING ALL OF THE STUNNING FAN ART THAT YOU'VE MADE  
> EVERY TIME I SEE A NEW ONE I SWEAR A LITTLE PART OF MY HEART EXPLODES IN THE BEST WAY <3
> 
> tumblr: rivaille-fetish.tumblr.com  
> tracking: #fic: what it means to feel #what it means to feel #Opulence
> 
> ALSO IF YOU SEE MISTAKES WITH GRAMMAR/SPELLING TELL MEEEE It was another 3:30 AM finish so there's bound to be some.

The walk back downstairs was silent and Hanji didn't press the issue. She probably thought that I was upset that he had been "sleeping," and that was perfectly fine with me. She could continue thinking that for as long as she'd like to if it meant that I didn't have to talk about anything involving him. I was hurt and upset, but more than anything, I was _embarrassed_. I was embarrassed that I had let myself trust someone so fully and so easily, especially someone like him. I was embarrassed that I had allowed myself to be tugged around willingly to the point that I followed him like a lost puppy and enjoyed doing it. I was embarrassed that my heart was hurting for something that I had never had, that I had fallen for him and assumed that it would be reciprocated.

He'd always told me not to assume, right? I finally understood why.

We entered the ward again and she finally turned around to speak to me. "Would you like to go up again tomorrow morning? They'll probably have him awake, so you won't have to wait for him to wake up."

"I think I'll pass, Hanji. I'm not feeling well and I'd really hate to get him sick right now. I doubt he'd want to be around me when I'm sick anyway. You could do me a favor, though."

"Oh? Well, I hope you start feeling better, Eren. What can I do for you?"

"Could you call my sister and see if she could come visit? I really miss her and I want to know how she's been doing. I can't imagine how much stress she's under right now, especially since it's partially because of me. I need to make sure that she's handling everything alright. Her name's Mikasa, I'm sure she's somewhere on my paperwork. She's the only family I have left."

Hanji nodded, "Sure, Eren. I'll try to get through to her and schedule something. Do you have a preferred time?" I shook my head. It wasn't as if my schedule here was even remotely interesting. "Excellent. We'll work around her schedule, then. I should have news about it by tomorrow evening. I'll come back around to see if you're feeling up to seeing Levi and I'll update you then. Sound good?" 

I almost flinched at the mention of his name, but I forced a smile. "It sounds great. Thank you so much, I appreciate it."

She mussed up my hair and smiled before she turned around to leave, then called back, "You're a really good kid, Eren. Have a nice night!"

Her "kid" had caught me off-guard and my entire chest throbbed painfully. It was ridiculous that even words as simple as kid reminded me so heavily of him, heavily enough to put me in physical pain. I needed to go to sleep and escape my thoughts. When I pulled the door to the room open, the first thing I saw was Armin on his bed, and it startled me. "You're here early. Why aren't you out with everyone else?"

He shrugged and pointed to the novel in his hands, _Brave New World._ "I was just reading. Didn't really feel like being around them all tonight, I'm not sure why. You're here early, too. What happened? I expected for you to be late, if anything."

"I don't want to talk about it," I grumbled and fell face-first into my temporary bed. There was a long pause before Armin spoke again.

"Eren, it may help you feel better if you talk about it. I can't say that I expected for you to come back with that reaction. Did he say something to you?"

"More like something _about_ me. Maybe it's about what he didn't say, actually, or maybe it's about the fact that he ever bothered speaking to me at all."

"I'm not sure that I understand."

"I don't know why I ever thought it would be a good idea to try to invest my time, energy, and emotions into trying to befriend him and get him to open up to me. I'm just an idiot, Armin. And I shouldn't be this fucking torn up about it. I _really_ don't know why I let myself develop any sort of attachments to him, I can't get over how fucking stupid all of this is."

"Eren, what on Earth are you talking about? Explain it from the beginning. You're making no sense and I can't do anything if I don't know what's going on."

"For fuck's sake, Armin. I heard him telling Irvin that he loved him, then he made a comment about messing with me but not doing it for too long because he didn't want anyone else to tell me about them. He wanted to be the one to tell me, the bastard. When they started talking about the night that Irvin had stayed with Levi in his new room, I couldn't even listen to all of it, I couldn't take it. I can't do this." 

"That makes no sense…" I heard him murmur beneath his breath, but I felt his hand on my back within moments. "I'm really, really sorry. Is there anything I can do?"

"Just don't leave, Armin. The last time I felt this numb, I tried to kill myself. It's pretty clear that being alone while I'm feeling like this is an incredibly bad idea. I don't have the self-control and I don't have any reason to trust myself right now. Just talk about something. Talk about your grandmother, Armin."

"My grandmother? Why?"

"I was in here earlier, I saw all of the books and I saw the one you had flipped open. You still think about her a lot, so tell me about her."

"… Really? Wouldn't that bore you?"

"I wouldn't have asked you to tell me about her if I didn't want to hear about her. You can't bore me. Come on, tell me about the places she went and what she told you. I'm listening."

His mouth hung open for a little while while he formulated a response and ended up just smiling. "Sure. You know, when I was little, she would always come back and tell me these incredible stories about the places she would go with my grandfather. I was young enough that all of it was new information for me and she was the best storyteller. She told me about the ocean's never-ending salty waves, lava like flaming water that came up out of the earth, and vast fields of ice and sand. Everything that she told me stuck with me and gave me the desire to read and learn about the world that I hadn't seen. She influenced the person that I turned out to be so much, you know? I remember one time, I think I was five, she came back…"

We spent the rest of the night talking, even past lights out. He told me about everywhere he wanted to go, about his family and his friends and what drove him to coming here. The severe lack of self-confidence that he possessed had driven him off the edge one day; he'd gotten up in the morning feeling like the world would be better off without him and he had acted upon it. It hadn't been a new sensation. The pills that his family kept in the cabinet above the sink had provided him with the means to escape, but his family had found him before any real damage had been done, and then he'd been checked in just as I had. 

While I laid back with my eyes closed, listening to him, it hit me just how unfair everything was. Armin was the last person that deserved to be here and he should've had so much more confidence than what he did. That was the difference between us: Armin deserved friends and happiness and self-confidence and normalcy in his life. He was a good person and an incredible friend. I _knew_ why I didn't have them and they were all things that I could've changed. I pushed people away, I was hot headed, I questioned authority and I had such little regard for things and people around me. Mikasa hadn't even crossed my mind when I made my final decisions to hurt myself; she had been part of the reasons leading up to it but I hadn't considered how she'd feel about losing me. I suddenly really hoped that Hanji would manage to get her to come.

"Eren? Did you fall asleep?"

"Hm? No, I'm sorry, Armin. I was thinking. I didn't mean to zone out while you were talking."

"No, it's fine, I didn't have much else left to say anyway. What's on your mind? You still look pretty down."

"Not much. I don't know. I asked Hanji to see if she could get in contact with my sister to let her know that I want her to visit. I miss her to death and I still feel terrible for leaving her back at home to deal with everything alone."

"I know that you already know this, but it isn't your fault and I doubt that she blames you. Depression is an awful, awful thing to have. It doesn't matter how much we love our families, it doesn't matter that part of the reason that we want to die is to make things easier for them, it doesn't matter that we don't ever want to see them hurt. Ultimately, everything fades away in that moment that we make up our minds to take the pills or to jump. It's hard for most people to understand that unless they've gone through it directly, but from what you've told me about Mikasa, I think she gets it. It seems like she really loves you; I remember you saying at some point that she had stayed in your hospital room with you for days until you woke up. Right?" I nodded. "Exactly. Everything's alright, so don't beat yourself up."

Eyes still closed, I heard him place the book on his bed down on the floor and then slip underneath the sheets with a contented sigh. Just as I began to let myself fall asleep, he asked softly, "Are you going to go back up tomorrow to ask him what that French phrase meant?"

I was quiet for a long time, partially because I didn't really know and partially because I didn't want to talk about it. "I… No. I don't really want to go up at all, really, but there definitely is no way in hell I'm going up tomorrow."

He made a sound as though he wanted to say something, then sighed it off. "Okay. Good night, Eren. You're more than welcome to stay here as long as you want or need to. Depending on the way the next few days go, however, there may be some requirements that you'll have to fulfill."

"Requirements? What do you mean by that?"

Silence.

"Armin?" 

He had fallen asleep.

 

* * *

 

The only highlight of the next day was the news that yes, Hanji had managed to schedule a time for Mikasa to visit me. Otherwise, I had spent my time either reading in Armin's room, talking to Jean, Marco, Sasha, and Armin, or sleeping. The latter had dominated most of the day. It had at least helped me to feign illness when I had told Hanji that I still felt sick and shouldn't go through the hospital and get everyone sick. If she did in fact suspect that I was lying, she hid it well; she didn't say a word and accepted it without question. Mikasa would be coming in two days. I only needed to get through two more days before I could update her on everything that had happened and see how she'd been doing so far.

Those two days were, of course, hellish.

Jean had somehow caught wind of the fact that Mikasa was coming and had not only managed to irritate me, but he had irritated Marco. The entire ward seemed surprised when, the morning before Mikasa was scheduled to arrive, Marco left abruptly in the middle of breakfast. Jean stared after him with confusion plastered across his face until Sasha asserted, "I can't remember the last time I saw Marco in a bad mood. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen him in a bad mood at all. What'd you do, Jean?"

He simply shrugged with the same idiotic expression, and I groaned. "Are you fucking serious? Is there anything going on in your head _at all?_ Marco deserves better than that."

Jean turned slowly toward me in a way that made it seem like he was shocked that I had spoken to someone of his (nonexistent)  ranking. "Excuse me, Jaeger? You don't have room to talk, what the hell do you know?"

"I know that he's too good for you," I mumbled as a familiar tingling pumped through my veins and clouded my vision. Anger.

"What was that? I didn't hear you, I've been tuning you out for the last few days. You've been a little shit lately. What, missing that boyfriend of yours?" The self-satisfied little smirk that he flashed me made me clench my fists.

"Mention him one more fucking time, Jean. Marco deserves better if you're too stupid to realize that all you do when you're around me is talk about Mikasa to get on my nerves. News flash: I've been around regularly, and so has he. That's all he's heard."

He ignored the entire last section of my comment and went straight for the kill. "Oh ho ho, so it is about him, hmm? Did he finally get sick of-"

Armin caught me by the arm mid-swing and Sasha caught Jean before he could retaliate. 

"Tell your sister I said hello," he hissed and snatched his arm back from Sasha, then walked in the direction that Marco had gone, undoubtedly to try to fix the mess he'd made. 

Armin smiled sympathetically at Sasha, who sat down again in confusion, then he looked back toward me. "Eren, what was that? You need to calm down before you do something that you'll regret. This isn't good. You really have been very on edge for the last few days. What's causing it?"

"Nothing. Let go of me."

"Is it… Okay, no. You need to go solve this. Ignoring it and avoiding the issue isn't doing anything for you or anyone else. Especially anyone else, actually."

"I have absolutely no reason to go solve anything, there isn't anything to solve."

"Consider it one of those requirements I was talking about the other day, then." 

I stared back at him and his expression showed that he was dead serious. He would _actually_ kick me out of his room if I didn't go up and face Levi's bullshit. "We'll see what happens, but I'm going to get my stuff packed anyway," I said and looked away. Neither of us spoke to each other to each other after that, and group was abnormally quiet between us, Marco, and Jean.

 

* * *

 

Mikasa showed up right before lunch, and I was more than happy to miss the opportunity to awkwardly sit in silence with everyone else. Hanji led me into an open room where Mikasa was already seated on a fairly nice-looking white fabric sofa. "I'll be just outside the door. We aren't exactly allowed to leave patients alone, even during visiting hours, and I'm _supposed_ to keep an eye on things, but I like you enough that I'll give you some time with your sister alone. You probably need it, since it's been so long. Be good." After a quick pat on the shoulder, she was gone.

I turned to the couch and immediately collapsed on it next to Mikasa, then hugged her until my arms hurt. "I've missed you so much."

She hugged me back twice as hard and I had to pull away so that I could breathe. "I've missed you too, I'm so glad to see you looking so good. I was scared that I would come and you'd beg me to take you back with me because they mistreated you or something"

I couldn't help but chuckle. "That's pretty uncommon now, and this ward's workers have been wonderful. I've met some incredibly interesting people, Mikasa. And… Hmm. I'm probably not supposed to talk about the people in here with me, right?"

"I signed paperwork saying that I wouldn't disclose anything about anyone here to anyone else, so don't worry about it too much. I really want to hear about what's been going on with you."

"Oh. Well, then. Guess who's here with me?" She stared at me blankly, so I continued, "Fucking Jean. Jean Kirschtein."

"What? Really? I had no idea. Is he alright?"

"He's still a dick."

"Eren…" She sighed, "I don't understand why you both had to fight so much. It was over pointless things most of the time."

"It doesn't matter anymore, I'm not worried about it. He did tell me to tell you hello. Also, he's gay."

She choked mid-breath and coughed through tears, "Since when?"

"Since he met his boyfriend here, I guess."

"I'm surprised. He seemed pretty into me at one point, you remember?"

"He might be bisexual. I don't know. But I do know that he and another guy in the ward have a thing. In fact, I think everyone knows. You know how bad Jean is at being subtle."

Mikasa's laughter echoed in the small room and it warmed my heart. I rested my head on her shoulder and she pulled me into another hug. "I'm glad you're surviving here without me. I really am. I was worried, since you always got yourself into less than ideal situations and you didn't have anyone here that you knew."

"Believe it or not, I've made friends."

"Oh really? And they haven't been scared off by your temper and your mouth?"

A glare on my part made her giggle. "No, they haven't. Armin is really fantastic and supportive. You'd like him, he reminds me a little bit of you. He's kept my ass out of trouble a couple of times. He was incredibly timid and quiet at first, but we developed a friendship pretty quickly. Sometimes I feel like he's the only one I can talk to. I know that he won't judge me and his advice is great; he's so intuitive and wise. He's the only one that I'm comfortable talking to about problems I have, whether it's stuff about you or Levi or just depression in general."

"He sounds great, I'd love to meet him sometime. But wait, who's Levi and why is he a problem?"

Shit. "Just my roommate, not a big deal."

"Really, Eren? Because you're bright red right now. I repeat: who's Levi?"

I grunted and ran my fingers through my hair. "It's a long story."

"I have time, and you do too. You'd be better off just telling me everything now instead of waiting until you check out. Tell me who Levi is," Her tone was obstinate and I knew that there was no way that I'd be able to change the subject. I'd backed myself into a corner that I hadn't wanted to be _anywhere_ near. 

"He really is my roommate, Mikasa."

"I understand that, but there has to be a reason why you're blushing all the way down your neck."

After pulling the collar of my shirt up a bit in embarrassment, I covered my neck with my hands. "He showed me around on the first day. He's an ass, and everything about him is distant, confusing, or mysterious. My case worker wanted me to try to get through to him if I could, and I did. He comforted me a few times when I needed it, we spoke a lot and went through a lot of stuff that I don't want to talk about right now. A few days ago I walked in on… He… It was a suicide attempt, there was blood everywhere. I found him at the right time and he was moved to the hospital wing. I went up and saw him to make sure he was alright, and that's just about it."

"We're getting there. That was progress, but that doesn't explain the color in your cheeks. I'm not stupid, Eren, you're not fooling anyone. I just can't believe that you don't trust me with this."

"I do trust you! I just really hate thinking about it," I took a deep breath to ease the agitation that was already creeping up my spine. "I guess I fell for him while I was in the process of trying to get through to him. He let me in more than I'd ever thought he would and we shared some really nice moments. We may have kissed a few times, he may have let me lie beside him up in his hospital bed and cry, he… Ugh. Yeah, I liked him. I'm over it now. How are things going at home? I swear, I have nightmares all of the time about you dealing with everything alone."

"Back up, Eren, and don't you dare change the subject now. I've never seen you do that before, your face… You had the sweetest smile on your face for a moment and it disappeared before I could even blink. What the fuck did he do to you? Do I need to kick his ass? If he hurt you, I swear to God, Eren, I will hunt him down and-"

"No, no no no! He didn't do anything. It's my own fault, I'm an idiot, is that really that difficult to believe? I thought that my feelings were mutual but I was wrong, and that's what I get for assuming. You know how much of a problem that is for me. It's either speaking without thinking or assuming," I forced a smile and tried to focus on something under my fingernails. "You could help me with something, though, since now I can't even ask him. You're smart and good with languages. He's French and the other day he said "Je t'aime" to me but nobody will tell me what the fuck it means. At this point the only thing I know is that it's bad enough that people don't want to translate it for me."

"He said that to you? You're serious, not joking around or anything? He was serious too?"

"Yes, is that a problem?"

"...You really don't know what that means, Eren?"

"Do I need to remind you that I had to take the _first_ level of Spanish twice before I gave up completely? I mean, honestly, I barely have a grip on English and it's my native tongue."

"Tell me what happened that made you think that your feelings weren't reciprocated, Eren, because I'm confused. It sounds to me like he liked you quite a bit."

"I really didn't want to talk about this. I really, _really_ didn't want to talk about this," I muttered and she shot me one of her patented Mikasa death glares. "Fine. I went up to see him again and overheard him talking to one of the male nurses. Levi told him that him that he loved him, and then they started discussing messing with me. Levi said something about wanting to be the one to tell me because he didn't want anyone else to tell me first. I have no desire for him to tell me about their relationship, so I haven't been back up."

"You're so impulsive and I think that it would kill you to sit back and think about the situations you put yourself in. Oh, Eren. You're going to see him when you leave this room. If I need to make Hanji drag you up there, I will. We got along quite well on the phone, I'm sure she wouldn't object if I asked her to. I really hope for your sake that he doesn't think that you hate him, especially after you've ignored him like this."

"What the hell? Why? I don't want to go anywhere near him. Why do you suddenly think that you can tell me what to do?"

"Have you spoken to Armin about this?"

"Well, yeah, of course."

"And he told you to do the same thing." I scowled and crossed my arms over my chest. "I really hope that you aren't pouting right now, Eren. I don't know how on earth you've lasted this long without me by your side," Her tone had lightened and she smiled a contagious smile that I reciprocated, albeit unwillingly. "I'll start coming in more often. It's clear to me that I still have to keep you out of trouble. By the way, are you still curious about how everything is going at home? I promise that you really don't have to worry about it. People around the school and the town are all pitching in to help me get everything done; the school is being understanding about everything and I've gotten extensions on all of my assignments. Don't stress out because of me. I'm more than capable of handling things. You just need to worry about getting better, alright? That's more important than anything." 

Another hug was initiated and even when she squeezed me, I didn't let go. "I'll be back home soon, I promise. Come in whenever you want, I promise I'll always have stories. I make new ones every day."

 

* * *

 

We spoke for another half hour, discussing trivial things like her teachers or how great she was still doing in phys. ed. Talking to her was always cathartic regardless of the topic, and for the first time in days, I felt calm, collected, and happy.

That all came crashing down, of course, when we left the room and she told Hanji that I needed to see Levi.

They shared eye contact for a moment until Hanji nodded as if they had come to a silent agreement about an issue that hadn't even been discussed. I barely had time to react to Hanji suddenly pulling me down the hospital's hallway at a speed that I hadn't been mentally or physically prepared for. By the time we reached his door, I was panting heavily and beads of sweat had formed on my forehead. "H-Hanji… You have to remember that even though we have exercise activities occasionally… I sit around more than I run... or walk, for that matter."

"Next time I'll carry you, then! This is important, I'll finally get information and data, and you'll finally figure out what Levi said in French."

"You aren't going to ask me why I didn't come up these last few days?" I tried curiously.

"Nah. I'm sure you had your own reasons and I doubt that discussing them with me, someone who was directly involved, would do much to help. If anything, I would've made it more difficult to deal with."

"Is this a conclusion that you've drawn from your research?" She nodded, and I did the same while smiling. "I figured. It's impressive, your work is pretty practical," The air was squeezed from my lungs by an overly enthusiastic hug that turned into a small jumping fit.

"Thank you so much, Eren, that means the world to me and I'm so glad someone else appreciates my work, I'll show you it somet-"

"I'mma head in, Hanji, I'll be back out soon," Only knowing that I wanted to get away from her before she roped me into listening to one of her complicated and fairly monotonous studies, I opened the door to his room and closed it behind me quickly with a sigh of relief. 

Of course, my heart sank into my stomach when I realized what I had just done.

"Look who decided to show their fucking face. What's it up to now? Three days without a single word from you? Four?"

I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth against the overwhelming urge to say something that I would've undoubtedly regretted.

"Now you don't talk, brat? Please do tell me about your thought process these last few days; tell me what I did wrong while I was sleeping that would make you want to ignore me to the point that even when you're in the same room as me you refuse to make eye contact. Or open your eyes at all, for that matter."

"While you were _sleeping?"_ I hissed and opened my eyes only to stare at him with indignant disbelief. "Are you serious right now?"

He furrowed his eyebrows and even had the audacity to feign confusion. "What are you on about, Jaeger?"

"You don't need to play dumb. I already know. I heard you talking to Irvin, I heard you tell him that you loved him. Whatever, that's fine, that's your life and it's not my business. I also heard that you've been messing with me, however, and that _is_ my business."

"Eren-"

"No, Levi. I understand that I'm in the wrong for assuming that anything I felt was reciprocated; that's my own fault. But why the fuck would it be okay to make me a piece in your game? Even Irvin said to take it easy. Ugh. I knew that there was something there between you both, you had so many-"

"Shut the fuck up, Eren. Start at the beginning, stop accusing me of things, and _then_ you can chew me out for whatever the hell you think I did."

"I came back with Hanji after dinner. I didn't know if you were awake so I pressed my ear against the door. I heard you tell Irvin that you love him, that everyone knows but you don't want anyone to tell me about it. You wanted to tell me about it because you were supposed to. I heard that you've been messing with me."

"Amazing. Fucking amazing. You walked in on that conversation two words too slowly. I don't love him. Respect him? Sure. I don't love him, absolutely not."

"Oh really? I heard that bit about being bruised from that night he stayed with you."

"Oh my god," He breathed and massaged the bridge of his nose, eyes shut tight. "I told him that he couldn't take me in a fight. We had been talking about my street days, and I told him that he couldn't take me in a fight. He waited until I wasn't paying attention and did _something,_ I don't even know what, that knocked me against my bedpost. He exploits those moments surprising well, so I didn't get the chance to steady myself before I fell. It did bruise. My ass _still_ hurts when I lean a certain way."

"That doesn't explain the fact that I heard you tell him that you loved him, Levi. I don't even know why you're fighting me about this right now. Wouldn't it be better to just let it go? I can get a new roommate or something, it shouldn't be too hard."

"Eren, did you ever figure out what je t'aime means?"

"Changing the subject? Mature. No, everyone refused to tell me. Trust me, I tried to find out, but whatever the hell it means was bad enough that nobody wanted to translate it for me. They all just told me to come back and ask you."

"Trust me and come here. If you say no, I will give you a damn good reason for being in the hospital right now."

The first step I took toward him made me realize that I was shaking. My chest was still tight and aching, every single sensation that I had felt when I'd first overheard the conversation flooded into my body. Looking at him hurt too much for me to even deny that I was still bothered by the situation. Eye contact was avoided completely when I sat down; instead, I followed the pattern on the tiled floor beneath my feet.

"Lean over to me. My arms are sore and I don't feel like going out of my way to move," I opened my mouth to argue and he added quickly, "If you say no, so help me God Eren, that will be the last thing that ever comes out of your mouth."

I sighed and rolled my eyes even though they burned and my vision had blurred (I wasn't crying, there was no way in hell that I was crying over _any_ of this), then leaned over the bed as he had told me to. The sudden sensation of his lips against mine caught me by surprise. My eyes widened and I tried to pull away, but his hand had fallen behind my neck to keep me close. His other hand grabbed a handful of my shirt's fabric and pulled me onto his bed in a single, painful movement that made him wince against my lips. Despite that, the pain hadn't hindered him, and he flipped onto his side to pull me against his body.

A warm, thin hand wound through my hair and he pulled away just enough that I could see his entire face. "Pronounce it for me."

"Excuse me?"

"Pronounce it for me, are you deaf? Let me hear you say it."

"Je..." I swallowed hard. Being put on the spot was nerve-wracking, especially doing something that I already knew that I was bad at. There was something absolutely mortifying about humiliating myself in front of him. Any confidence I had managed to maintain until then left had abandoned ship the moment he'd spoken. "Je t'aime?"

"Beautiful. I'm actually impressed, kid. Now, you want to know what it means?"

I nodded nervously, not sure what to think of the unfamiliar, ravenous gleam in his eye while he spoke. Both of his arms snaked around my neck and his hands settled on the back on my head, and his fingers tangled themselves in my hair. I felt dizzy from his touch, his scent, his voice, his breathing, his heartbeat. He made me so dizzy.

"Je t'aime, Eren." 

His tone was quiet and low, only loud enough that I could just barely hear him over the sound of his breathing and the machine's rendition of his heartbeat.

"I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DSALDJHFKSJAHSLJ  
> I HOPE YOU GUYS WERE OKAY WITH THAT  
> I WAS  
> FINALLY EREN  
> AND LEVI  
> UGH


	14. Know and Feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm not afraid to say I love you any more than I used to be, babe; I am scared to death to fall in love with you."
> 
> ^Scared to Death by HIM. Good song for this chapter, I believe. :3 Also, try Bloodstream by Stateless.
> 
> I don't have enough sleep to decide if this is even a good chapter. I apologize if it isn't. I haven't slept well. :C  
> I am still getting absolutely stunning fanart and it makes me so incredibly happy every single time. ;-; I love you guys more than I could ever express.  
> Tumblr: rivaille-fetish.tumblr.com  
> Tracking: #fic: what it means to feel #what it means to feel and #Opulence . The tag that gets the most attention, generally, is the fic: one if it makes a difference to you.  
> About a quarter through this chapter I realized WHELP THAT DIDN'T GO WHERE I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING. Whoops.
> 
> ALSO. I'm sorry I didn't respond to comments on the last chapter. Before I know it, there were like, 40 unread ones and it was overwhelming enough that I was scared to start going through and replying. I WILL DO BETTER ON THIS ONE. 
> 
> THE FRENCH IN THIS CHAPTER TRANSLATES FAIRLY WELL IF YOU USE GOOGLE TRANSLATE. I didn't use it to go from English to French but I went ahead and put it in when I finished from French to English so I would know if you guys could properly use it and it comes out fairly well~ :3  
> Thanks so eremiin.tumblr.com for proofing the French to the best of your ability~  
> So have fun with it guys, yeah?

Levi's words made my entire chest tingle; they first took the form of butterflies in my stomach and then they fluttered around in my mind so much that I couldn't form coherent thoughts. "But… Levi, I though-"

As he had done so many times before, he silenced me with a quick kiss, then moved his mouth so close to my ear that I felt each syllable as they left his lips. "Don't ruin this with that bullshit you somehow categorize as thinking. Don't think, don't assume. All you need to do is know and feel. You know that I'm right here beside you, you know that we're both alive, you know what you feel for me --whatever that may be,-- and you know that I've somehow managed to fall for your stupid ass. You also know, officially, that I'm not letting you off the hook for the little stunt you managed to pull for the last three days, and you know that you'll be punished. Surprise," Levi noticed the terror that had plastered itself across my face and forced back a smile. When I shifted uncomfortably under his gaze and looked away, he pulled my chin back up with a finger so that his face was the only thing in my line of sight. His expression was tender, much more tender than I had expected. He tilted his head to the side just slightly and leaned in so that our lips were just millimeters apart, and whispered, "Tu sais que je t'aime, et tu le sentiras aussi."

I moved in with the intentions of bridging the minuscule gap between us, but he pulled back away from me. "Not so fast. It's against my morals to take full advantage of shits who haven't explicitly stated that the feelings are completely mutual or that my feelings are one-sided; don't even get me started about the ones that don't know what they want. The ball's in your court, Eren."

"Levi, I…" To be honest, I hadn't even been remotely prepared for this conversation or situation in general. My thought process of the last three days had been interrupted and destroyed by three short, simple words that possessed an unparalleled magnitude. How was I supposed to respond when I couldn't even form thoughts? Especially after I'd drilled it into my mind that I had never meant anything to him? I liked him, that much was clear to me. But love? I didn't even know what love was or what it entailed. "I can't even… I don't know what to say."

"You don't know what to say? Try."

"I don't know about love. I really don't know what to say."

Levi was silent for a moment. It was an uncomfortable silence and something in his eyes made me feel uneasy.  "That's a first. I suppose it can't be helped," he declared with a sigh and loosened his arms from my shoulders to flip onto his back. "Don't feel like it's your responsibility to stay here. I'm sure you're uncomfortable and I don't think that I'm in the right mood or state of mind to have you here. My own fault, mind you, but that doesn't change the fact that-"

Before I knew what I was doing, I heaved myself up and sat on his hips the way that he had sat on mine on the night that he had come back to our room. He opened his mouth to say something, probably to ask me what the hell I was doing or if I had finally fucking lost it (both of which I didn't have answers for), but I silenced him with my lips before had a chance to make a sound. I felt him push his head back into the bed in an attempt to escape me and I took that as an opportunity to sit up and look him dead in the eyes while he was still reeling. "Don't think, don't assume, right? Didn't you just say that?"

"What the hell are you doing? You don't need to force yourself to do this. I'm a big boy, Eren; I don't need your pity. I can _promise_ you that I've dealt with worse than being rejected by a kid in a psych ward," Levi's tone was thick with sarcasm and his words were cutting. He reached up to push me off of him I pinned his wrists to the bed, careful to avoid touching the cuts that tainted his skin.

"I don't pity you. Actually, I pity anyone that pities you. But Levi… You're never this quick to jump to conclusions; that's always me. I haven't said anything. Everything you've just said has been assumptions."

He let his body relax under my grip, knowing that I wasn't going to let go, but he stared at the wall and refused to meet my gaze. "When was the last time that I let someone into my life, prior to you?"

"Irvin," I muttered and immediately experienced another classic ' _why in the actual fuck did that just come out of my mouth_ ' moment. Levi was definitely making eye contact now, and his glare was absolutely toxic.

"Un-fucking-believable. Get off of me before I kick you off."

"Levi-" I tried, but he cut me off before I had even managed to get the last sound of his name out.

"Jaeger, do you want to end up sprawled across the floor with a bruised ass? Get the fuck off of me."

I loosened my grip on his wrists and he snatched them away from me as soon as he could. A swift sweep with his elbow pushed me back into a sitting position on the bed, and he followed it up by pointing to the door. "That's what I get for letting my guard down for a child. Since you seem to want me to fuck Irvin _so badly_ , I will. Preferably when you're not around, of course, so there's the door."

Pain shot through my chest at his retort and I immediately felt sick to my stomach. His eyes had taken on a distant quality and I slid off of the bed without a word, immediately starting toward the door. Just before I opened it, I turned back to him and asked softly, "What did you say to me in French?"

"It's not important anymore. Entirely irrelevant. Push the door closed behind you until it clicks."

His tone was painfully cold and I knew that I had monumentally fucked up. Something told me that I had single-handedly screwed up what _could've_ been one of the most important moments of my life. I did as he told me, shutting the door completely once I was out, and Hanji's excitement faded the moment she saw my face. The walk back downstairs was silent again, but this time I didn't bother trying to hide the mangled array of emotions that I was feeling. I couldn't even distinguish one emotion from another enough to know how to combat them.

All I knew was that I had fucked up and I really, really didn't want him anywhere near Irvin 

Did I even have the right to want to monopolize him anymore? I did before, but now I wasn't so sure.

 

* * *

 

I must have looked like hell, because for the rest of the day nobody said a word to me. Even Jean managed to hold his tongue, a feat that I hadn't thought possible for him. He and Marco had made up for the time being, and I felt the strangest pang of jealousy. Why could someone like him, a first-class asshole, be happy and I couldn't? I envied Jean. _I actually envied Jean._

Following dinner, I decided to go straight back to Armin's room. I was entirely too overwhelmed to spend the night with everyone else. Focusing on playing Spades wouldn't have been possible.

In a matter of days I had managed to misunderstand an entire situation, ignore, hurt, and piss Levi off on different occasions, and push away Armin for having good intentions. 

I hadn't actually packed any of my clothes like I had threatened and I had never meant to, but the fact that I had even told him that I would made me guilty. When he finally come back, the first thing I did was apologize.

"For what, Eren? Did you do something that I didn't know about…?"

"For earlier, for saying that I'd pack my things."

Armin shook his head. "Don't be. I know why you don't want to see him. I only said it because I can't stand seeing you get like that. You're so upset with everyone and it only gets worse every day. Today almost got really, really bad and if it happens again I feel like the staff may intervene. I thought that you needed to solve this but it isn't my place and I couldn't possibly kick you out of the room over something like that," Even more guilt. He had backed off so easily, which I should've known that he would do. He was Armin. Conflict wasn't something he handled well, so he avoided it when he could. "Where were you all day? Did Mikasa visit for that long?"

"Ah… No. Actually, she basically told me what you told me. The only difference was that she made Hanji take me up."

"Wait, so you actually went up? Why didn't you say anything to me?! When I finally saw you again you were sulking so I assumed that nothing had changed," he frowned, then furrowed his brows, "Why were you still sulking…? What happened?"

"He told me he loved me and cleared up the misunderstanding around what I had heard, but I didn't know what to say. I decided that it was an appropriate time for me to comment about Irvin. So basically I made a dumbass comment on top of what he considered rejection."

"Why would he take it as a rejection? Didn't you tell him that his feelings were mutual?"

"I just told you that I didn't know what to say. I mean… Love? Isn't that a pretty weighty word? I hadn't even kissed anyone. I mean, shit, I still don't know how it works. I don't know if I love him and I couldn't say it without meaning it. He has enough to deal with without me emotionally impairing him."

Armin sighed. "It's a little late for that, I think. How did you feel when you saw him with Irvin?"

"Angry. Hurt. My entire chest was tight and I was lightheaded. And then today… Oh God, Armin, today he told me that he was going to fuck him. Do you think that he really will…?"

He raised his eyebrows and sat back against his wall, hand over his mouth. "Jesus, Eren. How'd you react to that?"

"I'm surprised that I didn't vomit, actually."

"What's been on your mind most for the last few days?"

"What's with the third degree? But, well, him, but that's because I didn't-"

"Hold on, I'm not finished. What would you do if he checked out tomorrow and you knew that you would never speak to him again? Be completely honest."

"I feel like you're quizzing me out of one of those pre-teen magazines," I muttered and paused to study his face and really, really think. "I… I don't know. He's let me in so much. He saved my life, he was my first kiss, he calmed me down from a nightmare on what, my first night here? I watched him hurt himself, I walked in on him waiting to die. Whether I like it or not, he's always in the back of my mind. The ward would seem empty. Even now, it's only tolerable because I know he's just in another wing." 

"If I told you right now that I was going to fuck Sasha, how would you feel?"

"Really, Armin? Is that what this was all leading up to? That's wonderful! I can't say that I had predicted it, but looking back, there were always signs-"

"Eren, oh my god. I'm not going to fuck Sasha. I was making a point. Think about how incredibly different your responses are to him fucking Irvin and to me fucking Sasha. You're jealous of Irvin. Levi is always on your mind. You passed the schoolgirl crush stage a _while_ back, too. You guys have saved each others' lives. You have seen sides of him that nobody else has, and he's seen sides of you that you probably don't even know you have. While it's ultimately up to you to decide what you feel for him, I've _seen_ you around him. I've seen the way that you look when you tell me about him, think about him, and worry about him."

He was right and I knew it, judging my how uncomfortably tight my chest had gotten again. Even if I wasn't completely positive that I loved him, we were still bound by some twist of fate.

"Hey Armin?"

"Yeah?"

"… I really screwed up, didn't I?"

In the few moments that he didn't respond, I watched his features twist in a way that signaled that he was deep in thought. "Maybe not. What time is it right now?"

"Uh… 10:45, I think. Why?"

"You need to go see him."

"Armin, visiting hours end at 8, and I can't go up myself anyway."

"How much do you want to fix this?"

"What the hell do you mean how much?" I wave of frustration numbed my fingers and legs, a conglomerate of stress produced by the occurrences of the last few hours. "I want to fix it."

He took a deep, tentative breath and spoke through his fingers. "Irvin's on the ward tonight. If you ask him-"

" _Hell no._ The last thing I want is for them to be anywhere near each other tonight."

"Think about this. Levi told you numerous times that they aren't a thing. Irvin clearly knows that he's into you, and didn't he defend you to some extent while he and Levi had been discussing the fact that he loved you? I know that you're jealous but this is a decision between saving face tonight or missing out forever because of your own pride."

The reality of the situation was a slap in the face, especially out of Armin's mouth. I had no desire to pursue either option. Keeping my temper in check around Irvin would be nearly impossible, but every moment I spent away from Levi ran the risk of him giving himself reasons to hate me or doing something rash like _actually_   fucking Irvin. That wasn't an option. I couldn't let it be an option, there was no way. "Fine. Keep an eye out for me tonight so if I come back you can let me in the room," I said and reluctantly muttered, "Where can I find him right now?"

"Check near the nurse's office. That's your best bet. Please keep your emotions under check, Eren. Please. I'm saying this as a friend and I mean it in the best possible way, but _please_ let Levi do the talking when you get there, and don't you dare go to Irvin with a closed mind if he chooses to help you. I can only help you so much before you need to make an effort to keep yourself on good terms with everyone."

"You know, I always had Mikasa around for things like this." 

He took that as an excuse to make a playful jab. "Yes, I know. I think everyone can tell. Now go before you run out of time!" I nodded and left the room while he curled up comfortably against the wall with a book.

 

* * *

 

I couldn't tell if I was relieved or irritated when I saw that Irvin was, indeed, walking down the hallway leading to the nurse's office. I didn't have the time to dwell on it so I pushed myself to run after him, pulling him to the side by his shirt and forcing a harsh whisper, "I need to talk to you. Do you have a minute?"

He responded with a curt nod and a wise, knowing smile that made me want to punch someone. We stepped into a side room and he crossed his arms, waiting for me to explain myself, so I ran my fingers through my hair with a sigh. "I was wondering if you could possibly take me up to see Levi? Before you say anything, I know that it's nearly lights out and I know that visiting hours were over… Three hours ago? But I said some things to him earlier that I really need to apologize for and I did some stupid things that I need to fix."

"You know, Eren, he doesn't open up to just anyone."

"Yes, I've heard. What does that have to do with this?"

"Do you know anything about our relationship?"

"No, I don't," I mumbled bitterly, "Is it something I should be aware of?"

"I believe it is, yes. Let's go up. I'll tell you about it on the way. You need to be quiet and act like you're supposed to be out there. Understood?" I nodded and when he said, "Excellent," we exited the room and made our way into the hospital.

He started speaking immediately once we left through the psych ward's double doors. "I know that Levi told you about his past, so you know that he was on the streets for quite a while. What you don't know, and what _he_ still doesn't know, is that I was the one that brought him in. I've been working in this ward for over ten years and the night that I saw him for the very first time was four years ago, I was visiting for a four-day training seminar that they were holding in the city. It was late and the seminar lasted for the better part of the day, so I had paid to stay in the hotel for three. I had chosen to walk from the complex to the hotel because it wasn't particularly far, only three or four blocks, and I didn't feel like wasting my time and money with a taxi. When I rounded the corner of one of the streets, I heard arguing and a lot of yelling that was a mixture of English and something else, which I didn't know at the time was French.

"At that point, Levi was already pretty heavily into drugs. What I learned months after all of this occurred was that he was both a user and a dealer, and the money he gained was used both for more drugs and actual sustenance to keep himself alive. At that point, however, I knew nothing but what I saw. All I knew was that Levi and two other men were yelling in pseudo-French and Levi was high. There wasn't much that I could do about it at that point, so I continued to the hotel and did my best to stay the hell out of it.

"The next night I traveled the same path out of morbid curiosity, just to see if they would still be there. They weren't, but Levi was. He was _gone._ Track marks on his arms made me think that he was at least shooting heroin, but I knew that there was absolutely no way that he was doing heroin exclusively. He was still breathing, his eyes were open and responding to movement, and nothing seemed wrong other than the fact that he was high on heroin, so when I decided that I really didn't want to stick around to see if the other men came, I could leave without worrying too much about it.  The next day I repeated it again, but he wasn't in the alley that time. Nobody was, in fact. There was just shattered glass from a beer bottle and trash everywhere; it was just a regular city alley. The very last day that I was there I was more curious than ever since two of the three days that I had been there I had seen him, and both days he had been under the influence. This was the day that I had to take him in. When I saw him, he was wandering aimlessly up the street, going the opposite way that I was. His clothing was completely drenched in his blood and he had a piece of glass clenched so hard in his hand that it had been painted red. He collapsed no more than three meters in front of me, but it was so late at night that I was one of the only people around, and the few people around me were poster-children for the Bystander Effect. Mind you, I hadn't had my phone on me because it was disruptive during training. I had to carry him to the hotel and I ended up driving him to the hospital myself. It was a miracle that he had collapsed close to the hotel and that this hospital isn't far from the city.

"It took him quite a while to detox and he had just about everything in his system. He gave us quite a few issues on his first night because of his excessive blood loss, his drug use, and a complete lack of knowledge about him at all on our part. When he did finally recover enough to open his eyes and respond to us, he refused to speak or communicate with anyone. That coupled with the _multitude_ of self-inflicted wounds, both old and new, that covered his body prompted the doctors to conduct a mental health evaluation. That was the first time he spoke to anyone and it quickly became apparent to us that there was an imbalance, though at that point it was too early to tell if it was depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, DID, etcetera. We cycled through mood stabilizers, antidepressants, SSRIs, and antipsychotics constantly, trying to get the right mix. It was my duty to distrubute his medications to him every day and I constantly tried to speak to him and break down the walls that he had built so that we could properly treat him and eventually get him checked out.

"It took me weeks to get through to him but I persisted and my work eventually paid off. He didn't and still doesn't know that I brought him here, but he got comfortable enough with me being around him that I had the chance to notice that he seemed to possess three fairly distinct… Personalities? I'm not sure that that's the correct word because there was always a fluidity between them. He would have periods of time where he was incredibly affectionate and he craved human interaction and attention; he wanted physical contact of any sort. On the other end of the spectrum, there were times when he refused to acknowledge my presence at all, or became incredibly distant when he absolutely had to. Eventually a "baseline" was established as well, but all of this was discovered over the course of a few months. He was a mess. He's come a long, long way.

"He's still cold and blunt toward everyone and he doesn't let people get close to him, nor does he trust people unless he is given a good reason to. Hanji had the worst time trying to get through to him. He intrigued her endlessly but she couldn't get him to open up no matter what she did. He's gotten more comfortable with her but I'm almost positive that he acts distant around her just to mess with her head. 

"From what I know about his past, I have reason to believe that he let me in because he could look up to me as some sort of father figure in his life, a support system that he had lacked and needed desperately while growing up. The man who had killed his parents had been someone that they had trusted with every fibre of their beings, and he had then annihilated that trust right in front of Levi's eyes. With it went Levi's willingness to let himself trust anyone but himself. I'm not sure if he told you this, but all through school he was an incredible student, but he refused friends. He powered through with help only from staff. Otherwise, he was on his own. He has a great respect for authority for reasons that I haven't figured out; I would assume that it's because he knows from personal experience that he's a fair judge of character and his trust in higher-ups is rarely misplaced.

"Getting back on topic, Eren, the bottom line is that Levi let you in. You've been here for less than a month and you've already broken down his barriers and you've made him feel more human than he's felt for over a decade. He cares about you and he isn't always particularly good at showing it, but he can't help it. Remember that, regardless of what he says to you. He may mess with you and toy around with you in regards to certain things, but I can promise you that he cares more than he lets on."

We had already stopped in front of Levi's door and all I could do was stare, wide-eyed, at Irvin as he stared back down at me. "I… Wow. I feel stupid. I feel really, really stupid."

"Hm?"

"I thought that you two… Nevermind. Thank you, Irvin, since this isn't exactly something that you're supposed to be doing."

"Eren, don't tell me that's the reason why you came up here." I bit my lip and looked away while he sighed. "Absolutely not. I have a partner, and I'm perfectly happy with him. Levi knows about him and he absolutely knows about Levi; the man would know if I cheated from a mile away. That has never been an issue. What on earth did he say to make you believe that?"

My cheeks grew hot and I fidgeted uneasily, looking at the floor. "Nothing. I misunderstood some things and really messed up. I'm going to go ahead in. I'll be back out if he tries to kill me or if I don't get anywhere by talking to him," he shook his head slowly, amusement plastered across his face as I opened the door and gently shut it behind me.

"Jaeger? Why the hell aren't you where you're supposed to be? There is absolutely no reason for you to be here, you need to go back to wherever you need to be."

He was awake. Good. That was one less concern on my mind. The surprised inflection of his voice had betrayed his sharp words, and I used his vulnerability to my advantage. With a sudden burst of confidence I crossed the room with a few long strides and stopped in from of the side of the bed that he was closest to. "I am. I'd say that I need to be here. I'm sorry you don't agree. I just have things that I need to straighten out with you," I said but my confidence had betrayed me even before the first word. The sentence came out as a low, quivering whisper that barely sounded like English, and the warmth left over on my cheeks spread down my neck. My nerves had completely overwhelmed me.

"What was that? Christ, Jaeger, did you learn how to speak _any_ language growing up?"

I sat down beside his bed and buried my face in my hands out of frustration. My heart was ready to beat out of my chest for no reason; I really had no reason to be nervous like this. "I'm sorry about earlier. I was wrong."

"Forget about it. It doesn't matter anymore. Is that all you were here for?"

"Would you quit being so fucking difficult and listen to me?" _Shit._ It was too late to go back to I had to force myself to continue. Both of his eyebrows raised and I couldn't tell if he was just astonished or irritated, but I continued, "Even this morning, you wouldn't let me talk. You created this scenario in your head and spit it back at me like that was supposed to make it real. Was I really uncomfortable? Did I ever think it was my responsibility to stay? Was I forcing myself to do anything? I never said anything to confirm or deny any of it. You decided for me, and you decided incorrectly."

"Sound familiar?" He said those two pointed words while looking directly at my eyes and I had to look away. I was being a hypocrite. I had done the same thing to him no more than twelve hours prior and numerous times before that. It was annoying, and now I knew that. It was annoying and painful and it nagged at my mind all day, and he probably knew that feeling far too well.

"I'm sorry, Levi."

"Right."

"No, I mean it. I didn't know how I felt. It caught me off guard, especially coming from you. I mean, no offense, but I wonder if you have emotions sometimes, and I don't mean that badly. That sounded _really bad_ , but I didn't mean it badly. I just meant that sometimes you're so distant and I don't even know if you-"

"Get on with it before you dig yourself into an even deeper hole, brat. I'm losing my patience."

Embarrassment and anxiety gripped my body and I took a deep breath in a failed attempt to calm down. I had no idea what I was doing, I just knew that I needed to do it. "I didn't know what I felt. It was so sudden and I couldn't think straight because you were so close to me and… I'd never done any of this before. Love is such a foreign word to me. I mean, my god, you were my first kiss," his face softened so slightly that it was nearly undetectable and he watched, interests piqued as I continued with an audible and nervous gulp, "I know that I like you. I know that I've never wanted to kiss anyone so badly in my life. I know that the way you taste and the way you smell are both permanently engraved into my mind. I know that I love the way that your fingers fit between mine, I know that I haven't slept well in days because you've been across the fucking hospital and I couldn't even imagine what it'd be like if you were to ever leave. I know that when I saw you dying in front of me I'd never been so scared in my life and I haven't ever lost control of myself like that before. I know that I'm terrified because I've lost almost everyone I've ever loved. Everything about life and this place and everything that's going on in my head _scares me to death._ You scare me to death. God, I don't even know what I'm doing, but," I had to pause again to let myself breathe through the sudden wave of nausea that had accompanied the nerves that were currently making me shake like a leaf. I looked up at him and he was watching me closely and curiously, so I squeezed my eyes shut while I breathed, "J-Je t'aime, Levi."

"Eren, say my name. My real name."

"Je t'aime, Rivaille," I managed to stumble out and opened one eye slightly. Levi had shifted so that he was perched on the edge of the bed closest to me. He reached out to twist a tuft of my hair between his long, thin fingers.

"Je t’aime aussi, mon cher. Ce matin, je t'ai dit ‘Tu sais que je t’aime, et tu le sentiras, aussi,’ tu comprends? Parce que tu comprendras. Je te montrerai avec ma langue, mes doigts, mes mains, mes lèvres, mes dents… Je t’aime. Tu es un idiot, mais je t’aime de tout mon coeur," He watched my face automatically twist in confusion and chuckled beneath his breath. Warm fingers entwined with mine and in a single, fluid motion he beckoned for me to lie on the bed beside him. 

My body complied immediately and through the fog that had settled in my mind, I felt his lips, warm and familiar, against mine. A hand slid up just beneath the bottom of my shirt and the other, still holding my hand, gently pulled at my chin to open my mouth. Levi's tongue grazed my bottom lip and then sought out mine to initiate a battle for dominance that only lasted moments before I let him take the lead. Every breath that I took was another chance to drink him in and drown in the knowledge that we were both alive, because that in and of itself was beyond beautiful.  We both had come so dangerously close to dying on more than one occasion, yet here we were, two broken souls content with being broken together. "Hey, Rivaille?" I whispered after moving my lips back from his just slightly.

"Mmm?" He had flipped me onto my back and leaned over my body at some point; his elbows supported his body just above mine and he was close enough that I could feel his chest press against mine with every breath he took.

"Thank you."

"For?" He trailed featherlight kisses down my jawline, neck, and collarbone, then gently sucked the tender skin and made me shudder.

"Breathing. Being alive, I guess," I said and he stopped sucking immediately. Had I said something wrong? "I mean, unless that's a ba-"

"Shut up, Jaeger. Listen to me. I wanted to die for eighteen years. I've spent every waking moment of every day for _eighteen years_ wanting to die because I didn't and couldn't care anymore. I wasn't sad, I'd gotten over sad years ago. I was tired. I was tired and irritated with the fucking monotony of living a life that I hadn't asked for. I was tired of the nightmares every night that eventually evolved into insomnia. During school, I couldn't stand my classmates. On the streets, I couldn't stand any of the passerby. In this ward, I couldn't stand the doctors that swore that medications would solve everything. I couldn't stand the therapists that assumed that they knew me better than I knew myself just because they had some shitty degree. I hadn't been treated like a human in eighteen years. It's only natural that I adapted to fit the mold, right? Then, out of absolutely nowhere, you suddenly show up, and in a matter of days, you manage to shatter the walls that I spent so long building up. When you had that nightmare on the first night, I couldn't let myself lie there and listen to you whimper. When I saw you trying to kill yourself, my entire body seized up and because of you, I could _feel_ for the first time in eighteen years. I had been dead all that time and I hadn't realized it until you showed up to show me what alive really meant. You're not alive because you're breathing. You're alive when you have a reason to feel alive."

His words resonated with me in ways that I couldn't explain. It pained me knowing that he had felt like that for what would've been my entire life, but at the same time, he had just blown my mind with the most incredible revelation I'd ever heard and it had come directly from his mind, entirely unscripted. 

I impulsively placed my hand on his chest, just over his heart. "This is why you're alive."

"If that's the case, then it beats for you, kid."

I couldn't help the snort that escaped my throat. "Who would've thought that you'd be the romantic, sentimental type?"

"You're fucking joking, right? Do I act like this around anybody else? I'm just honest. It beats for you. It sure as hell doesn't beat for me or my sake, if you hadn't noticed."

I buried my face in my hands to hide my blush and looked away from him to focus on the door in an attempt to control it or at least manage it. Wait… The door. "Shit, Levi, Irvin's still waiting for me."

"You came up with Irvin? Wow. I don't even know what to say to that. Congratulations. Your stupidity has officially left me speechless. I threaten to fuck him and you decide to bring him up? Brilliant," he rolled his eyes and rested his forehead against the bed beside my head so that he could rub the back of his neck. "I hope that you didn't say anything stupid to him, for your sake."

"He was the only person who could possibly get me up here this late at night. I didn't say anything. I don't hate him. We actually talked and he cleared quite a bit up for me. I can't leave him standing out there."

"Go tell him to go back to the ward."

"Huh?"

"You heard me. Tell him to go back to the ward. You're staying here tonight and that's not a question. You're staying here."

"Why?"

"You know, Eren, I've noticed that the only things you do are ask stupid questions and run your mouth. Try listening for once. Go, tell him that he's free to go. He knows me, it's fine."

Spending the night in a place that I wasn't supposed to be in with a man that, for all intents and purposes, I probably wasn't supposed to be around made me nervous. He made me nervous in general. The only thing that did anything to remedy the situation was force myself to remember that he rarely trusted anyone, so he deserved my trust, too. I cautiously rolled out from underneath Levi's body and started to the door. When I opened it, however, nobody was there. 

"Oi, what're you just standing there for?" He called out behind me and I turned half of my body toward him to respond. 

"He's gone already. I don't know how long he stayed but he's definitely not out here," I said and closed the door again gently. He sat up in the bed and pointed to the spot in front of him, so I sat on my knees in front of him.

"Sit on your ass. You're too tall otherwise. So help me God if you laugh, Jaeger... You won't have anyone to run to either; Irvin's gone and Hanji didn't come up."

I couldn't help it. Laughter spilled from my mouth and before I even had time to blink he had pulled my hips toward him and the rest of my body had fallen back on the bed hard. "Jesus, Levi, ouch. Think you could be any rougher?"

"Your own damn fault and you have _no_ idea, nor will you have any idea any time soon. You're still about as experienced in that department as a five year old. We'll start out nice. Now sit up again." I did as I was told, this time sitting with my legs crossed.

"So, what ever happened to that punishment?"

"I haven't forgotten. Trust me. Tu paieras avec ton corps, et moi, je-"

"That reminds me, Rivaille," A hint of color found his cheeks and I couldn't help but feel proud of myself for catching him off-guard by saying his name.

"Yes, brat?"

I did my best to mimic the low, sultry tone of his that had delivered these words just hours ago. Levi's breath caught in his throat while my words penetrated the last of his defenses and confidence surged through my veins. 

"I love you, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guys find any typos/mistakes/anything? LET ME KNOW. My sleep deprived brain tried proofreading but I ended up zoning out and not knowing what I was reading. Forgive me if there are any blaring ones. I know that I can't stand when fanfics are typo/mistake heavy, it turns me off from the story. I don't want this fic to be that fic. D:


	15. Complete

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "And on the way down, I saw you and you saved me from myself, and I won't forget the way you loved me. And on the way down, I almost fell right through... but I held onto you."
> 
> We just earned ourselves a nice little Explicit rating.  
> I... That's all I can say about this right now. See you at the end. :P  
> THE CHAPTER TITLE DOES NOT MEAN THAT THE FIC IS DONE NOT EVEN CLOSE I PROMISE  
> You guys are IMPATIENT so excuse mistakes, I'll be editing them within the next few hours while you guys read. :P Love you.
> 
> tumblr: rivaille-fetish.tumblr.com  
> tracking: #fic: what it means to feel, #what it means to feel, and #Opulence.  
> Guys, your fan art... It makes my heart stop every time. ;-; I love it all so much. I have it compiled under a link on my tumblr page if you want to see it all. I'm so lucky that you guys enjoy this enough to make art for it. <333

Levi was still for a moment; he didn't even swallow or breathe. His eyes just locked onto mine and the gaze that we shared was electric.

It had never occurred to me how absolutely beautiful he actually was. His jawline was sharp and strong against the gentle curve of his neck, and the way that his neck dipped into his collarbones and sloped into his shoulders was enticing. The contour of every muscle was so faintly visible and so perfectly defined that he was _easily_ more of a masterpiece than Michelangelo could've sculpted. I had managed to shatter his unbreakable walls, even for just a few moments, and his eyes were like storm clouds in winter; they were pale grey and so externally cold, but they held the incredible promise of beauty for anyone willing to look for it. _I'd found it._

He must have noticed that I had been admiring his body, because without a word, he pushed my hair back from my forehead then let his hand fall to my chin. His other hand pressed against my chest and pushed me onto my back before I had a chance to comprehend his actions. Soft lips were against mine instantly and I found myself wrapping my arms around his shoulders to pull him closer. The warmth of his fingertips left fire in the wake of everywhere they brushed, up my torso as he lifted my shirt up until the bottom hem was at my collarbones, and down my sides as they slipped just beneath my waistband. The entirety of my body was tingling underneath him and every time his tongue pressed into my mouth, my thoughts became a little bit fuzzier.

"Levi," I pulled away for a moment to catch my breath and clear my head. "I don't… I don't know what to do, I hav-"

"Oi, Eren, just follow my lead and feel it. You think there was a guidebook for me falling for you? There wasn't. You're already pretty damn hard," He palmed me through my pants and my back arched, forcing my hips into his hand to search for friction. "All you need to do is let me-"

"No, I want you to feel good, too," I muttered indignantly even though my cheeks were hot with embarrassment and undoubtedly flushed with lust. "I'm not going to just lie back and let you do everything, _hell_ no."

"Oh really? Then tell me what you want to do to me, Eren," He purred into my ear and slid a teasing hand up my thigh that sent a shiver down my spine and directly to my groin. 

I didn't know the first thing about sex, let alone gay sex, and I sure as hell didn't know anything about dirty talk. Ravaging my mind's storage on the subject yielded nothing. "N-No, that's embarrassing."

Levi leaned back and snorted. "You think _that's_ embarrassing? That's going to need to change soon. Within the next hour, in fact. You need to be comfortable with me," he cupped my cheeks in both of his hands and stared me square in the eyes, "Do you trust me, Eren?"

I nodded weakly and he gave me a quick kiss then pulled back with a smirk. "We'll see if that's a good idea," His mouth moved to my ear and sucked the skin just below my earlobe. "Je te plaquerai contre le lit et tes gémissements vont résonner dans les couloirs. Quand j'aurai fini, tu ne pourras plus marcher. Je te le promets."

"What does that mean?"

He didn't answer; instead, he trailed kisses down my neck to my chest, and swirled his tongue around one of my nipples. A choked moan escaped my lips because of the unfamiliar sensation and I clamped a hand across my mouth while he let out a pleased hum against my skin. Since when were my nipples sensitive? I was a guy, was that even supposed to happen? He experimentally grazed his teeth against the tender skin and was promptly rewarded with my back arching off of the bed into his mouth; a final flick of his tongue elicited a soft moan and he looked up at me beneath half-closed lids. Without breaking eye contact, he moved tantalizingly slowly down my abdomen with his tongue, stopping here and there to leave bright red marks, then reached the hem of my sweatpants. 

I was already painfully hard and I could feel him pressed against my leg, too. I raised my thigh between his legs and pressed my knee hard against his erection, as I had done in the past, and he groaned deeply. Just as I allowed a satisfied smile to cross my lips, he took my waistband in his teeth and pulled my sweatpants down just above my knees. His stare faltered for a split second to eye my bulge with an animalistic hunger that I hadn't seen in his expression before. Mere seconds passed before he looked back at me, unblinking, and slid his tongue up my length through my boxers. I forced my eyes closed and bit my lip hard to stifle a groan, and he dug his fingers into my thighs hard enough to make me shout.

"What the hell was that for? That's going to leave bruises!"

"I want to fucking hear you. I want to hear every little noise that comes out of your mouth," He softly nipped the side of my shaft and the last thing I saw before I threw my head back on the bed was him taking the band of my boxers into his mouth to moving them down. Before he had a chance to slide them completely down my hips, I bent my leg up to stop him and flipped up to pin him on the bed.

Levi stared up at me, too surprised to fight back, and I kissed him deeply while I undid the knot of his hospital gown behind his back. I _desperately_ hoped that he couldn't feel me shaking on top of him; my nerves were entirely shot and my heart felt like it could beat out of my chest at any point. A skillful tongue battled for dominance against mine and unsurprisingly claimed victory. He tugged at my bottom lip and I leaned back from his just long enough for me to toss aside his gown haphazardly (which earned me a quick glare) but he was back at my lips in no time. My hands traced down the muscles in his chest and I took extra time to caress the dips of each of his scars, from the cigarette burns and the long, thin slices to the deep gouges and rugged tears. He gasped into my mouth and I automatically dug my fingers into his skin to pull him close to me when he tried to pull his head away.

"Don't touch them."

"Do they still hurt?"

"No. Believe it or not, Jaeger, I'm just not proud of them," he rolled his eyes and scowled, "Don't sit here and glorify them."

I didn't loosen my grip on his body. Leaning down so that I was the only thing that he could see, I whispered, "I'm not glorifying them. They're a part of you, they're a part of your past and they're reminders that you're alive. You don't need to be proud of them but hating yourself for them isn't any better. Every single one of them is a time that you ended up alive and that's what I'm focusing on because I'm just so fucking proud of you for being alive right now," The blank stare that I received in return made my heart race and I backed off of him slightly before he had the chance to chastise me. "I'm sorry. I won't touch them, that was stupid-"

The kiss that he gave me then was soft, slow, and tender; his fingertips just barely brushed the back of my neck to keep me pressed breathlessly against him. "Shut up. Shut up and do what you want. Stop running your mouth and do whatever the hell you want to do." 

Though his words were harsh, his voice held the same delicate quality that the kiss had possessed and I couldn't even attempt to hide my smile. "I won't talk anymore. But before that, Rivaille, I… I do love you, you know? Don't leave me again. Don't do it ever again."

"How the hell do you say shit like that with a straight face?"

"Didn't you just tell me that I shouldn't be embarrassed?" 

Levi groaned and that was his only answer. His arms encircled my waist and his hands found their way to my ass, then he gripped me to pull my body and lips against his. The way that he rolled his hips against mine ensured that his cock rubbed against mine hard and we hissed mutual desire against each others' mouths. With one hand still holding me close by my ass, his other hand slid my underwear down to my knees and finally released me from my fabric confines. I watched him steal a glance and smirk smugly at his work, and I arched into his hand even before he had completely reached to touch me. "Fuck, Levi, please."

"Please what?"

"Touch me."

"Touch you where? Tell me what you want, brat," The way that he spat 'brat' sent the last of my pride out the window and replaced it with unadulterated arousal.

"Christ. Suck me off, get down and suck me off," I panted and he looked pleasantly surprised at my feigned confidence. After pushing me back onto my elbows, he crawled entrancingly down my body and kissed up my inner thigh. His lips stopped on the skin between my thigh and my groin and sucked teasingly until my hand found a handful of his hair and anxiously guided it over to my length.

"Impatient, are we?" Levi didn't break eye contact while he gave my cock a few strokes with his hand and then slowly slid his tongue over the head, as if testing the waters. Pleased with my further tightened grip in his hair, he took my head into his mouth and swirled it with his tongue, then did the same going down my shaft. I squeezed my eyes shut and held back a moan, which caused him to encircle the base with his fingers and hold it hard. "Didn't I tell you that I wanted to hear you?"

I couldn't even give myself time to nod in response before I pushed him back down. He took me graciously and was _incredibly_ careful not to look away while he did so. His gaze was intimidating and overwhelming and _so fucking hot_ with each bob of his head, and when he took me down to my base then released me with a single string of saliva still connecting his mouth to my dick, I damn near lost it. It took every ounce of willpower I had not to buck my hips into his mouth; in fact, I ended up forcing my hips down further into the bed, which Levi countered with a knowing smile and a lick with the tip of his tongue from my balls to my glans. I didn't suppress a needy grunt when he stopped and gripped the base of my cock again to stop me from coming.

"Can't have you finishing yet. Soon, but not yet. Now what do you want?"

It was becoming increasingly more difficult to form coherent thoughts and it was nearly impossible to vocalize them. Each breath that I took was hitched and labored and he knew it; there was a sly smile reflected in his eyes while he watched me try to force out words that wouldn't come. "Underwear… Take them off."

"Take them off for me," he offered, and he sure as hell didn't have to ask me twice. I shakily got to my knees again and, with my hands on either side of his hips, I slowly lowered the fabric of his boxers. My hands took in the gentle curve of his hips caused by the only hint of fat on his body; his hips were incredible and, by extension, the contour of his ass was _astounding_. I moved a hand around to his cock and looked down just long enough to breathe, "Oh."

"Hm?" Levi bit his lip to force back laughter while my face burned down to my neck. He was big, bigger than I had expected. I hadn't ever been given a proper chance to assume, but now I didn't have to, I suppose. I pulled them the rest of the way off and messily folded and tossed them aside, and he rolled his hips against mine so that our cocks rubbed and he let out a throaty growl in my ear. "Tell me what you want me to do to you, Eren."

"Fuck me," I panted while he reached down to stroke me again and pushed my chin to the side so that he could nibble at my neck. A particularly hard bite extracted a cry and he inhaled sharply against my skin, erection pressed tight against my thigh.

"Look behind the bed; there's a tube and little packet. Grab them for me," I leaned back and grabbed the them, giving them to him without thinking to look at what they were. It only occurred to me what exactly I was in for when he went to open the tube.

"Wait, what are you doing?"

"What the fuck do you mean what am I doing?"

"What's that for?"

"Didn't you just say that you wanted me to fuck you?"

"I…" I had, I couldn't deny it. With that said, I didn't know the foggiest thing about sex in general, let alone gay sex. "Yeah, but… Is that even…?"

The look that he shot me immediately made me feel like an idiot. "Are you being serious right now?" My gaze fell to the sheets and I nodded awkwardly, and he sighed. "It is. Listen to me _carefully._ Trust me and don't give me lip when I tell you to do something. If you feel uncomfortable or you're in pain, tell me. Relax as much as you possibly can. Things will feel incredibly weird for a little while, but if you give it time, it'll feel good. Got it?" I nodded. "Good. We'll mess with the lube later. Lick," He held three fingers in front of my face and I raised an eyebrow and opened my mouth to argue, but wisely decided against it. Wrapping my tongue around each of his digits as seductively as I could while battling modesty and apprehension, I moved my head so that all three were deep in my mouth and then pulled away when they were sufficiently coated. He pushed me back on the bed with a surprising tenderness and masked the single strangest sensation I'd ever felt with a kiss.

"Oh my God what is that what are you doing wh-"

"Shut up, holy shit. Would it kill you to say something sexy when you open your mouth instead of whatever the hell you've been doing?" He sighed, then continued calmly, "Breathe, relax. Wrap your arms around me, scratch me, bite me if you have to. I told you to trust me, Eren. I expect for you to listen," I bit my lip and arched my back uncomfortably to accommodate myself to the feeling of his finger inside of me. He caught my mouth again and kissed me softly and deeply, lips moving against mine with each movement his finger began to make. When he inserted a second finger I pulled back and cringed, fingers digging hard into his shoulders. "Try to relax. You'll get used to it soo-" He curled his fingers inside of me and something shot up my stomach straight to my head, I unknowingly interrupted him with a scream and then clamped my hand over my mouth. Levi blinked a few times and tentatively did it again and, when it warranted the same response, his lips curled mischievously. "There we go."

"Oh my _God_ ," My voice was weak and it came out as little more than a forced rasp through heaving pants, "What was that? Do it again."

"There's this lovely thing called a prostate," he said and repeated the action, leaving me pushing against his fingers desperately for more, "and it just so happens that when something grazes over it, you feel it. This is good. This is very good."

He pressed in a third finger the moment I got used to the second, but hit my prostate before I had a chance to register the discomfort. I pulled him closer by his shoulders when he started moving his fingers inside of me and scissoring them, biting and sucking his neck hard while I waited for my body to relax and for my insides to stop feeling like I was being pried open (which I was, essentially). There were a few moments of intent silence while he continued to loosen me up and I grazed his collarbone with my lips and teeth until he curled his fingers one last time without warning, leaving me writhing beneath him and seeing stars. Only then did he remove his fingers. The lube was in his hands before I even knew that he had moved to reach for it and I watched him apply it generously to his entire length after tearing the packet that I had retrieved and slipping on a condom, noticeably shaking while doing so. I almost assumed that he was nervous, but the carnal glaze that had settled over his eyes told me otherwise.

"Take a deep breath and breathe out when I tell you to," He strained and held my thighs back, one on his shoulder and one in his hand. I could feel him brushing my entrance and he leaned forward to kiss me, then gripped my hip with his free hand. "Ready?" 

"I don't know if there's supposed to be a proper answer for that?"

Levi chose to ignore that comment, probably for the better, and hissed, "Breathe," milliseconds before filling me up. My breath caught in my throat along with a choked cry while my nails dug into his back. He didn't move, letting me adjust and catch my breath while he moved his hand from my hip to lock his fingers between mine. "Are you okay?"

I shook my head, panting through clenched teeth. Any way that I moved sent pain up my hips and back and I had to blink back tears. "Really hurts. Holy shit. Why didn't I…?"

He stroked the back of my hand with his thumb, expression still strained by his arousal but visibly worried. "You would've lasted _maybe_ five seconds, Jaeger. Don't hold your breath. Your body will get used to it, give it time," I nodded and he moved so that his hands were on the bed on either side of my waist and he was supporting himself that way. 

The shooting pains finally dulled and I wrapped my legs around his lean waist as a means of bringing him closer and signaling that I was alright. He rolled his hips into mine and found a steady pace while I internally battled between how strange it felt to have him inside of me and how much it made me want to lose myself. Levi dipped his head and I leaned up as much as I could to meet his swollen lips with my own. One push in particular grazed my prostate and I cried out into his mouth; he responded with a sharp breath and reached down to stroke me in time with the rhythm of his thrusts.

"Shit. You feel fucking incredible."

Between the warm fullness and the repeated thrusts directly into the sensitive bundle of nerves, fire was settling in my lower stomach and dangerously tightening between my legs. Each movement was met with whimpers that I couldn't hold back, and the whimpers turned into full-fledged moans when he moved his head down to leave marks on my chest and tweak my nipples with his tongue. All of the nerves in my body seemed to be in a hyper-awakened state so that every time his skin brushed against mine it sent sparks flying through my muscles and veins.

He hitched my hips up a little bit and assumed a position that ensured that he hit my prostate with every jerk of his hips. I was reduced to a twitching mess beneath him, mouth stuck open in a perpetual silent scream. Through the surges of pleasure I managed to focus on his face; his eyes were closed tight with concentration and his bottom lip was crushed underneath the pressure of his teeth. Black hair to his forehead and his chest was covered with a sheen of sweat that was painfully erotic; all I could manage was "Fucking hot," and the sight of his half-opened eyes processing my statement made me rut against his hips to pull him in deeper.

The discomfort had melted into a sense of completion, as if I had never been whole without him pressed to my body. I had to blush at how sentimental and ridiculous the notion was, wondering what Levi would've said if I had said it out loud (probably something along the lines of "do you even hear the shit that comes out of your mouth, Jaeger?" or "I told you to shut up, didn't I?"). I raised a hand from gripping the bed for dear life to run my fingers through his hair and he moved back up to my lips, whispering barely-audible french phrases into my mouth and triggering a feverish kiss. 

My entire body was blazing beneath the white-hot voracity of every movement he made. "Rivaille, harder, I'm going to come," I gasped between ragged breaths, and he quickened his pace immediately.  Each thrust brought him closer to me and closer to my limit, and when he pushed himself in fully, he slid his finger across the head of my cock and fisted it a good few times until my vision blurred and I cried out against the shuddering waves of pleasure that rocked my body. I could actually feel myself tighten around him and his ardent moan coincided with the sensation of his hardness twitching within me, following my own orgasm promptly. Despite the fact that neither of us had caught our breath and he was still riding out his orgasm, he kissed me. It was a lazy kiss, all gentle touches and slow lips with occasional pauses that made my heart pound. He didn't stop even when he pulled out and collapsed beside me.

Time stopped for that instant; I didn't know how long we just stayed like that, breathing hard and holding each other close with breathless kisses and tired, delicate touches. 

Curiosity finally kicked in and forced me to break the comfortable silence. "So… How did you manage to get this stuff? I know that there's no way you had it on you and they let you keep it."

He closed his eyes and exhaled a chuckle. "Believe it or not, it was Irvin."

I snapped to attention and propped myself up on my elbow, then fell back with a wince at the sudden pain in my hips. "Irvin? What the hell, did you have this planned all along?"

"No. The man just knows what he's doing. He just figured and wanted to be safe. I wasn't entirely convinced but I trusted him. Good thing I did, you would be _wrecked_ right now if I hadn't. You owe that man your fucking life."

"Then he… That's why he left," It clicked in my mind and I groaned into my hands. "That means he'll probably be back here early to get me and I'll have to walk downstairs with him. Rivaille, the awkwardness is going to be unbearable," I griped, and he rolled his eyes.

"I would've commented about how fucking hot it is when you say my name but you ruined the mood when you whined. If you've ever wondered why I call you a brat, there you go. Talking to you makes me feel old as hell," My scowl barely phased him.

"You're really antagonistic, you know," I muttered bitterly and he "tsk"ed beneath his breath, then he wrapped his arms around me and held me close despite the mess that now pressed against our stomachs.

"Shouldn't we clean up or something?" I asked, knowing that I was fully incapable of staying irritated with him given the situation.

"Later, kid. Let me hold you here for a second."

"You did this last time too, you know. You'll be really pissy later if I don't clean us up or something."

He sleepily kissed my adam's apple and rested his head beside my neck with a yawn. "Everyone else died."

"Hm…?"

"You're the only one left with me. Stay," Shocked, I looked down and he was already asleep, pressed against my chest in spite of the mess and the sweat. His words had made my chest hurt, a bittersweet mixture of feeling flattered that he wanted me to stay, hating that he felt so alone, and disheartened that he could only tell confide about it to me post-coitally and just before he fell asleep. I turned to scan the room looking for something to clean us up with, found nothing, and settled on just using my sweatpants. When we were sufficiently come-less, I sighed and turned on my side to face his direction, wrapping my arms around him and absorbing his heat.

Without him awake, I was plunged into a silence that I had grown accustomed to; a silence that wasn't even really a silence because it was punctured by our breathing, the hospital's familiar background beeps and occasional rings, and the normal creaks and groans of an old building in need of renovation. I let my chin rest on the top of his head and closed my eyes to his scent, now mixed with the not-unpleasant smell of his sweat. It made me appreciate just how much it meant that we were living. Everything about what we were at that moment was _alive_. We had betrayed our location, our situation, and our pasts. Every heartbeat and breath we shared was a sonata, the fragrance of sex and passion-induced fatigue was a luxury, and his lingering taste in my mouth was nothing short of an indulgence. 

Even if he was a crude, unapproachable asshole at times, it was becoming increasingly more clear to me that he was just as human as everyone here, if not more. He had lived more lives in his 26 years than most had lived in 80. Levi was still just as vulnerable as anyone, he had just learned to hide it masterfully. 

Only one thing mattered while I finally let myself fall asleep. He was mortal, in every sense of the word. As long as he was in my arms, he was undeniably alive.

"Don't worry," I breathed above his ear as my eyes closed, "I don't plan on going anywhere."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHELP. Don't judge me. Been a LONG time since I've written sex. Hope it wasn't terrible? 
> 
> We're not going to end this yet, mind you all. There's gotta be more conflict before we end this. There has to be. It's an unspoken rule. Ereri fanfics can't just be easy, never. :3


	16. Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this took longer than I wanted it to. Sorry. But... Yeah. I figured everything out. There's nothing to worry about now. :3
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy.  
> I'm not gonna say much about this chapter. We're nearing the end, but believe me when I say that it sure as hell isn't over yet.
> 
> tumblr: rivaille-fetish.tumblr.com  
> tracking: #fic: what it means to feel , #what it means to feel , and #Opulence  
> I still love your guys' fanart and everything you guys comment.  
> (The Irvin comments after the last chapter, jfc I thought I was going to die.)

I didn't actually get much sleep that night. Levi, however, slept surprisingly well; it may have been one of the first times that I had actually watched him fall asleep and stay asleep. His insomnia had betrayed him for the night even without the use of sedatives. He slept pressed close to me with his head buried in my chest, close enough that I felt the warmth of every slow, long exhale against my skin. A bandaged arm had snaked its way around my waist and his grip was firm enough that it was almost uncomfortable, especially because he didn't move much for the rest of the night (and, by extension, I didn't move much either). I couldn't complain though, he was significantly warmer than the rest of the room and since I couldn't exactly reach for the blanket, he was the only source of heat I had. 

His words cycled through my mind nonstop and I was pretty sure that they were the reason for my inability to sleep. _I was the only one left with him._ Guilt had taken my heart in a chokehold. Everything about Levi had clicked and my actions in the past had been exposed as downright heartless, regardless of the fact that I didn't know much about him. It was ultimately my fault that he had managed to sink this low in the first place. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that he would've been perfectly fine right now had he not stumbled upon my suicide attempt and sent our relationship spiraling into unknown territories. Before I knew it, I was pulling him closer to my chest and he let out a tired grumble.

"Oi, Eren… Jesus Christ, I'm not your pillow, ease the fuck up."

His voice startled me and I drew my arms away faster than I had meant to. "… My flesh isn't going to burn you either.  You're a mess in the mornings, mm?" He rolled his eyes, kissed lazily along my collarbone, and my skin tingled underneath his lips.

"You've been my roommate for long enough that I would assume that you already knew that."

"Don't think I've ever slept with you before. There's a difference," He looked up at me expectantly, though I wasn't entirely sure what he expected, and I blushed deeply at it words. My reddening face prompted an almost-smirk. "Has anyone ever told you that you get embarrassed, like, five times more than any normal human being should? I don't know what color your cheeks are normally. Actually, I take that back. They're normally red. I don't know what color your cheeks are _supposed_ to be."

The burn crept down my neck and up to the tips of my ears again, so I buried my face in the pillow. "Shut up. Armin said it was your fault. If my cheeks are red, it's your fault."

"I know. Last night, I left some hand-prints on your cheeks and it was a goddamn masterpiece, let me just tell you," Mortified, I pushed him and flopped onto my stomach to press into the bedding. "Well, look at that, I can still see the outlines-"

"Rivaille!" I whined, folding my arms over the back of my head while he choked back a chuckle. He wasted no time flipping me toward him and pulling me into a kiss. It was slow and chaste but it had still managed to send a spark down my spine. "Wait, I would've assumed that you hated morning kisses. It didn't really hit me until now. You know, morning breath and stuff?"

"I do. It's fucking disgusting."

"Well, what makes me different?"

"Nothing. Your morning kisses are still disgusting, I'm just willing to tolerate them. Isn't it a little early for you to start giving me the third degree? That usually starts during breakfast or after group."

I shrugged and slipped my arm around his shoulders in an absentminded display of affection. Levi dug his fingertips into my ribcage and my first reaction was to arch backwards into the bed and cringe; he took advantage of the movement by immediately straddling my stomach, pressing a knee between my legs, and grinding hard. I let out a choked yelp at the force against my already sensitive crotch. "Levi, wait, I'm so sore right n-" He silenced me in his signature way, starting by sucking on my bottom lip then pressing his lips to mine while they were still parted. Our mouths moved tenderly and innocently for a minute or two until his tongue plunged into my mouth and a familiar fire descended upon my body.

I wasn't exactly sure what came over me at that exact moment, but I didn't let him dominate. I pressed back and battled his tongue for the upper hand. It was clear that he hadn't expected it because he gasped into my mouth, caught momentarily off guard, and I claimed him. A hand on his hip with my elbow propped up on the bed for leverage allowed me to flip him and straddle him while only breaking this kiss for a split second to breathe. Levi's eyes were wide, pleasantly so, which solidified my confidence. I traced along to roof of his mouth with the tip of my tongue, just light enough to make him shiver, and pressed my hand against the hardness between his legs. "Damn," he panted and leaned up to bite my neck, "Finally had the balls to make a move for yourself. Think you're in any position to take it all the way?" 

His words were smooth and a carnal desire for him welled up in my mind and body until it overflowed. I dipped my head down to draw a line down from beneath his ear to his nipple with my tongue and hummed, "Hell yes, I do."

I would've, too, had Irvin not opened the door at that exact moment. I was on top of Levi and we were both completely naked and sporting boners. There wasn't a proper description for the speed in which I dove for the sheets and pulled them over my body. "I-Irvin, why didn't you knock…?"

A large hand was covering his mouth, probably an (unsuccessful) attempt to hide his amusement. "I did, actually. It would seem that you were both too busy to hear it. I must say, Levi, I didn't expect for _this,"_ He pointed to me and then Levi, "to happen."

"What the hell do you mean you didn't expect for this to happen? You supplied everything, for fucks sake," Levi retorted. He was still shamelessly sprawled out on the bed, stark naked and legs spread. Looking at him in front of Irvin made me feel second-hand embarrassment along with a slight bit of possessiveness. I sighed and threw the blanket over him, effectively covering him from the waist down. He shot me a half-assed glare then returned his attention to the tall blond.

"That's not what I meant. You just didn't strike me as a bottom, but I suppose it was unfair of me to assume."

Levi replied by laughing so hard that the bed shook. "This brat fucking me? You… you're joking, right? No. He was mine last night, trust me. Even if you completely disregard the fact that he never shuts his mouth, I had him moaning all-" I interrupted him by throwing his gown at his face and Irvin chuckled. 

"It's good to know that you both made up. Eren, we need to get down to the ward before breakfast. We can sneak you in right after they go around to wake everyone up. Alright? Throw on your clothes and let's get going," I nodded and pulled on my shirt, then stared down at my pants with a grimace. "Is there something wrong?"

"I… Well, there was nothing to clean up with, all I could reach was my sweatpants and I _knew_ that I had to clean up or Levi would end me the moment he woke up. I had to use them so it's probably really obvious looking and I don't know that I really want to put them on anyway," I admitted, and they both burst out laughing in unison.

"Eren… Oh, Eren. Irvin, could you go down and grab him his pants or my pants or something? We won't do anything that you wouldn't want to walk in on. You have my word," Irvin stared hard at Levi for a moment, as if to assess the level on honesty that his words held, then nodded and left again. "You didn't have to, you know."

"Levi, do you even hear yourself? You told me on the _very first night that I was here_ that I couldn't be messy. You scare the living shit out of me sometimes, to be honest. There was no way I was going to chance it."

"I scare you?" His tone was over-exaggeratedly offended and he forced a hurt frown that ended up making him look more angry than anything.

"Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but you have a chronic bitch face. Even in your sleep, you look like you're about to deck me. Of course you scare me, I'm pretty sure you scare everybody."

He met my eyes and ran his thumb across my lower lip, then moved his hand to my cheek. His expression had softened and his touch was tender and strangely careful. It felt as though he was scared of touching me, lest I break by his hands. "You still have so much to learn. I wouldn't lay a hand on you maliciously. I lived on the streets, sold myself for drugs. I had my fair share of violent relationships, if you could even call them that. I don't care how much of a little shit you are, I won't hit you. Don't say that, don't even joke about it."

Guilt. "I'm sorry. I didn't think-"

"You rarely do. Drop it, it's fine. I'll disregard your comment about my face since we've established that you don't think. You're lucky that I love you. Do you understand that?"

My gaze fell and I nodded, but he cupped my cheeks in his hand and raised my chin to his eye level. "I'll be back in the ward soon. Possibly later today. I may be back tonight. If you've shit all over our room, please clean it up. Especially those sweatpants of yours; don't go down and toss them on the floor. Fucking gross. The last thing I need is to come back to a room wit-"

I cut him off with the most delicate kiss that I could manage while nursing a painful erection. Levi sighed and wrapped his arms around me without a word, and I returned the action until Irvin returned with my other pair of pants. "Levi, wouldn't it be more appropriate to put on clothing as well?"

"Have I ever worried about being appropriate?"

Irvin pondered it for a moment and shrugged. "Regardless, I don't believe that the nurses would take well to this, nor do I believe that Eren would be particularly pleased for the nurses to see it to begin with," he reasoned and it was met with a scowl.

"Fine. Enjoy your trip back downstairs," he muttered and after I had pulled on my new pair of sweatpants, I pushed my legs over the side of the bed to get up. The warmth of Levi's hand engulfed my neck and he jerked me backwards so that my back fell against the bed again and I was too shocked to move. He leaned over me and kissed me upside-down, spiderman style, then moved away with a smirk. "Out. I need to get dressed, I don't need you watching me do it."

The comment disgruntled me as much as he had wanted it to but I didn't open my mouth to protest. I'd suffered enough embarrassment already… Or so I'd thought. The moment I put my weight on my legs, they collapsed beneath me and it was followed by a surge of pain through my hips and an ache in my thighs and lower stomach. 

"Levi, didn't I tell you to take it easy on him? Really. I expected for you to have more self control than this."

"I did what I could. The kid's good at shattering my self control, I tried to be as gentle as I could. What, do you want _me_ to carry him down?"

"I can carry him, that's not the problem. We'll discuss your self restraint later," Irvin scolded and held out a hand for me. I took it willingly because I was more than eager to remove myself from the cold floor, but somehow my hand falling into his resulted in him carrying me princess-style. 

"Oh my _God,"_ I breathed, mortified, and covered my face with my hands the entire way back to the ward. Levi's laughter as we shut the door never left my fucking mind.

 

* * *

 

We somehow made it back to Armin's room with little more than a few double-takes and confused stares from hospital staff. Irvin seemed completely unfazed, which I fully expected from a man who had given a patient condoms and lube, then remained composed when he walked in on our bare asses. Armin was sitting on his bed and fixing his shirt when Irvin put me down on the bed opposite of him. 

"You're going to want to take it easy today. I'm not sure if Levi informed you, but he'll probably be discharged back into the ward soon. I can't make any promises that you both will be roommates again because of the circumstances, but he shouldn't be secluded anywhere. He may end up getting a room with 24-hour watch until the doctors are convinced that he's stable enough to be alone. That may also mean no physical contact between you both for a while. Once again, I'll see what I can do, but there is a significantly greater chance that I won't be able to help you much. That's just a fair warning," he explained and I nodded while biting the inside of my cheek. No physical contact for an undetermined amount of time. This could've been more than possible in the past, but I wasn't sure how long I could hold back now. I already found myself craving the feeling of his stomach pressed against mine and the way that he fit into my neck and shoulder when he slept. It would be a challenge. This would be a genuine challenge.

"Thanks for everything, Irvin. I mean… I really can't thank you enough."

"My pleasure. I'll talk to him about being more gentle next time, this was unacceptable."

"No, Irvin, it's really-" He shut the door behind him and I drew my legs up and buried my head in my knees. Levi would be back in the ward. He would be under 24 hour watch. The ward had a no-touching policy, which meant no physical contact of any kind. I couldn't assume that this would last less than a week. There was a week's time standing between him and I and it _figured_ that it would be after we'd had sex. Perhaps this was a good thing? My body needed time to recover, I knew that much.

"So, Eren, you planning on telling me about your escapades or am I going to have to pry them out of Levi?" Armin's voice made me physically jump. I had completely forgotten that he was here in his own room. I was a mess.

"Well, I mean, what do you want to know?"

"You obviously had some _fun_ , but why the hell did Irvin carry you down here?"

I grumbled into my knee and nudged my face further into myself. "Hips are killing me. Can't walk right. Feel like I tried to get a six-pack of abs in a single night."

Armin breathed a giggle and I heard him shift on his bed. "I'm not going to ask about any details because as much as I love you, Eren, I'm not actually interested in listening to you describe the ways in which you lost your virginity, but… I do have one question, though. Did he go in dry…?"

"What the fuck is wrong with you people? Do you have a filter at all?" I asked, exasperated. Between Armin, Hanji, Irvin, and Levi, there was no shame. None. "Irvin gave him shit before I came. No, I mean, dammit, Irvin gave him the condom and lube before he walked me up and then he left. It was presumptuous but I wouldn't have expected anything else. I'm only this sore because it was my first time. Armin, it's like you're taking the biggest shit of your life, but it's going _inside_ of you instead of-"

"Oh my god Eren no no no no no no no! I know how it works, I don't need details, please save me the details, oh my _God_ please save me the details," He covered his ears with his hands and his face scrunched comically with disgust. He'd deserved it.

"Seriously, though, I'm in a lot of pain right now. I'll probably need your help getting around today. If anyone asks, I fell or something. I'm clumsy, it's not too hard to believe. Okay?"

He nodded and stood to offer me his hand and a supportive shoulder to use. "Got it. Let's get some food before Sasha tries to steal from our trays. All we need to do is get through breakfast and group and then we can get you back here so you can sleep," Armin pulled me up and let me lean on him while we walked to breakfast and then, eventually, we made our way to group. 

Hanji didn't look directly at me but the smirk that she had on her face when I entered the room was a dead giveaway that she knew something. This was ridiculous. Everyone either knew things before I did, even if they were about me, or knew things before I'd even realized that they could've spread. With that said, Hanji was pretty intuitive to begin with and she could've easily seen Irvin carrying me, but something told me that that probably wasn't the case. When we were all seated, she finally looked up and caught my eye for just a few seconds. The eye contact immediately resulted in a grin that in turn resulted in my gaze falling to the floor.

"It's been a good few days since we've covered anything dealing with the past, right? We focused on different things since then, but today we're going to start talking about the future. We touched on this a little bit while we were working through our memories, and if you all remember Eren's second day here, we went through our goals for the future. This is going to be another multiple-day topic, and we're going to start off today by addressing something that you _all_ will experience: discharge. I'd like for us to address the changes that we plan on making in our lives that will reflect our time here. Some of you have been here longer than others, but each of you has grown immensely. I've watched it happen day to day, it's even reflected in my studies. Marco, you've done a complete 180 since you were checked in, and you know it. Sasha, you've reflected so much on your past and you've made a lot of important decisions that stemmed from equally important realizations. Jean, you haven't had a serious episode for weeks now, and that's and amazing improvement. Armin, you haven't been here for long, but you've gone from barely speaking even when being directly regarded to willingly speaking during group. Eren, you've grown in more ways than one and I have a feeling that you've gained an appreciation for life, and that was what you needed. For someone who has only been here for two weeks, you've made so much progress. I'm proud of each and every one of you, and there isn't a doubt in my mind that you will do well when you leave. Planning ahead can't hurt! Let's begin by going around and saying one thing that we'll do when we're back in our daily routine. Something small, but something important. Sasha, would you like to start?"

"When I get out, I'm going to sit down with my dad and discuss my condition. I think… I think that it's important that he understands it, and I want to give him a chance to help me when he can, or at least understand when he can't. I want him to have an active role in my recovery, you know? He deserves one. I think I'll let Connie in on it too. It wasn't fair for me to completely disregard him since he is my best friend. I can't even imagine him being serious, so I don't even want to know how he looked when he heard that I was here. I mean, he couldn't even stop smiling when he got a week's detention for putting that bucket of water over Dr. Pixis' door. I've gotta make it up to the both of them and I think that that's a step in the right direction… Right?"

Sasha's hopeful resolution was met by Hanji's encouraging, "Exactly, that's absolutely a step in the right direction. Remind me to talk to you about ways to approach him with it! I've read so many incredible studies and surveys that have documented the best ways to approach and include others in the recovery process of… Ah. Almost got carried away. Let's move on. Marco?"

"At this point, I think that it'd be best for me to do something to help other people. My situation isn't exactly common, but isn't that what inspires other people? I'm doing okay and I'm making the most out of my life, I want them to know that they can, too. If there's anything that I've learned here, it's that having people around you to support you is so important. Little things like that are easily overlooked and I get the feeling that for some people, a reminder like that is what they need."

"Marco, I mean it when I say this: that may very well be your calling."

"I'm a pretty big believer that everything happens for a reason. I think that I went through this so that I could have a positive influence on others, even if it's just one or two people. Sometimes it only takes that one person…" His voice trailed off and I caught his eyes wander to Jean while his cheeks flushed. 

"That's a powerful observation and it relates to your life so well. If you can relay that to people that way that you just relayed it to us, you'll impact so many lives. I can almost guarantee it. What about you, Jean?"

There was a pause. "I don't know," he started, and I immediately felt like I couldn't watch the train wreck that was about to occur. My focus turned to the wall and I tried to block his words before they left his lips. "I mean, I definitely learned plenty, but I don't know exactly what I can do outside of the ward that will change anything. I feel like surviving day to day is hard enough without me having to worry about changing something drastically. I should've changed as a person in here, there isn't any reason for me to go out of my way to change anything else that doesn't need fixing. I guess more than anything I'll accept help when I need it instead of letting pride get in the way. It's a bitch to admit but I'm not strong enough to do this myself. Even Marco told me that. But I don't need to be. Nobody is, so I'm not as alone as I used to think."

Okay. I had to admit, I was impressed with his reply. There was a level of deepness to it that I hadn't really thought was possible for him to convey. As much as I hated to admit it to myself, I knew that I underestimated him. He was much more than the self-centered prick that I had met when he had tried to get with Mikasa, but I was almost positive that he had changed since then. He hadn't always been like this. There had been a point when he had been even more insufferable. Either his life or the ward had changed him, and Marco's presense in his life was undeniably a large factor as well. 

"You make excellent points, Jean. Nobody _really_ needs to go out of their way to change anything if they don't feel like it's necessary. You all have changed and that very well may be enough. It's really a matter of recognizing that you changed for a reason and that you have to actively remind yourself of that. Really, really good reasponse," She motioned toward me to go next. 

"I'm going to go home and help Mikasa get everything together. I'm going to step up and take responsibility and do what I should've done in the first place. I think I've had enough time to clear my head and I'm at the point that I can really value what I have, I guess. The fact that I even have Mikasa is a miracle. I'm alive and that's a miracle, too. I dunno. I've finally realized how precious everything is and I need to start treating it that way."

Hanji remained silent but acknowledged me with a sad, understanding, and strangely comforting smile.

"I guess it's my turn, then? I think I may be with Jean on this one. Most of my changing has occurred in the ward. I've really never been this open around people before. People generally didn't like me. I was always bullied and teased, so I just learned to suck it up and keep to myself. I felt worthless. I mean, to some degree I guess I still do. This will probably be a life-long thing for me to deal with, but… It's gotten easier. I know that I'm capable of making friends and I might be worth something-"

"You _are_ worth something," I added quietly, and Hanji smiled approvingly.

"As I was saying, I've changed a lot. I'm going to be more open again and I'll make a conscious effort to work on my self confidence. Otherwise? I don't think that I need to change much," Armin concluded, hesitantly at first, then followed it up with a quick nod of approval at his own answer. 

"Every single one of you replied beautifully and you all recognized the changes that you've gone through during your time here. I can't stress how important that is for your healing. It's a huge benchmark and we can really assess how far you've come. It's incredible," It really was. I could remember back when Armin had drawn so far into himself that I hadn't even been sure that he knew how to speak. My own thoughts of suicide were still fresh in my mind but they didn't serve as something for me to yearn for, they provided me with something to learn from and track my progress with. 

I was proud. I was proud of myself, I was proud of Armin, I was proud of Sasha, Jean, and Marco, and I was proud of us as a single entity. We'd undeniably built off of each other and I knew that I wouldn't have been able to get this far without them. It made me want to cry (if there was one bad thing that came out of this experience, it was that I had suddenly become _excruciatingly_ in touch with my feelings) knowing that they had served such an important role in what would ultimately alter the rest of my life. 

I pondered it for quite a while until Hanji finally wrapped up and we left. Armin caught my arm and helped me back to the bedroom to lie down, and sleep sounded heavenly at that moment.

"By the way, Armin, you really have changed. In the best way. You were so quiet on the first day that I met you. You've opened up."

"Thanks to you. Amazing what a good friend can do, hm?"

"It's just a shame that it took a psych ward buddy for you to see how fucking awesome you are."

He snorted and chided playfully, "You should be sleeping. Come on. I'm sure Levi had you up all night. Don't even worry about asking me to cover. I have your back, I always do." 

His words filled my chest with warmth while I left myself comfortably doze.

 

* * *

 

"Eren, hey. I don't have time to deal with this. Wake up. Wake up or I swear I will flip the bed and I guarantee the floor isn't nearly as comfortable. Trust me."

My eyes opened to Levi's face inches from my own. "Oh… holy shit, what? Why are you… What the hell is wrong with this ward? Why is this an okay way to wake people up? Why are you here? Levi… Wait, seriously, why are you here and not in the hospital?"

"Discharged. I'm back here for the time being."

"Here, like… Here? There are only two beds…?"

Levi forced his eyes closed and let out a frustrated sigh. "No, not _here_ , dumbass. I'm going to pretend that that question was a result of the fact that you just woke up. I'm not actually supposed to be here right now, but I figured I'd let you know what was going on. Are you awake enough to pay attention?" I nodded. "Good. Irvin probably let you know that we won't be roommates for a while. I don't know how long it'll be. I'm under watch. I'm technically under watch right now, but let's disregard that for a mom-"

"Wait, are they outside the door? Then why are you even talking to me right now?"

"Eren. No. Just shut up for a second. They don't know where I am right now. I don't plan on sticking around here for too long, just long enough to let you know that I'm back. The nurses are going to be riding my ass for a while, so we won't be getting anything done. I know it'll kill you, but just hold in there, yeah? I'm sure you've got enough to fantasize about now," he quipped and ruffled my hair when I buried my face in my hands. "You're really fucking cute for a kid that doesn't shut up unless he's beet red."

"I'm not cute."

"You're fucking adorable, don't give me lip. Anyway, your ass is mine when the staff lays off of me. That's a promise."

"Wait, hold on. No. I want to be on top next time."

He had to bite his cheek to hold back laughter. "Right," he mocked, "We'll see. You don't plan on going anywhere, remember? I don't either. We've got time," he planted a peck on my lips and upon hearing muffled voices in the hallway, he snuck out and closed the door behind him. I had to take a moment to properly process what had just occurred, but once I felt like I was back to a comfortable level on consciousness, I sat up and glanced at the clock. 4:55 PM. Dinner was in five minutes and Armin hadn't come to wake me up. Groaning in a manner that was entirely too melodramatic for the situation, I swung my legs off of the bed and hobbled slowly to the cafeteria.

Armin was already there, talking to the table idly. When he saw me, his face flushed. "Oh, Eren, I'm so sorry. You were sleeping really well and I didn't think it would be worth it to wake you."

"It's fine. Levi's finally back."

Jean stopped talking to Marco mid-sentence and stared at me. "He is? Huh. How's sharing a room again gonna feel?"

"We're not going to be sharing a room anymore. He's under watch for a while. So, good question, but I don't have the answer."

Armin poked my hip and then recoiled when I winced. "I forgot, I'm sorry! But does that mean you'll be staying with me for a while?"

I hadn't actually considered my roommate situation. I obviously wasn't going to be with Levi, and I wouldn't imagine that they would put me anywhere alone, but would I actually end up being able to stay with Armin? "I don't know. I can't see why not, really. I don't personally have a problem with it. I guess it's ultimately up to the staff, but I haven't heard anything."

As if on cue, Petra emerged from the hallway, scanned the cafeteria, locked her focus onto me and broke out in a smile. "Eren! Eren, are you done eating? I'd like to have a word with you for a moment, if that's alright with you?"

"Well, here we go. I'm sure she wants to let me know definitively. I'll let you know in a minute," I assured and inclined my head in her direction. "Sure, Petra. I'll be right there."

"When you're ready, meet me in the room that you woke up in the other day." 

I don't know how I managed it, but I got up and caught up to her before she had actually made it into the room. She was dead silent beside me until she had seated herself in the same chair that she had sat in the morning that I'd woken up, and I reclaimed my spot on the bed. "So, is this about the rooming situation? I'm totally okay with staying with Armin for a while."

"It wasn't, but that's good to know. I'll mention it to the doctors and see what they have to say. I actually wanted to talk to you about discharge! I figured now would be the perfect moment, since Hanji brought up the topic during group. You've been here for close to two weeks now, and you're only required to be here for a month, or until the doctors feel that you're ready to be let go. Everyone is already impressed with your progress, so you should be getting out on time. We may be able to even get you out early, though that's a bit of a stretch. Isn't that exciting news?"

Discharge. I could see Mikasa soon, I could go back to finishing my school work and getting on with my life again. I'd be able to have a life again. "That's amazing. I… Wow. No, that's incredible. I miss everything so much. I'm so excited to see Mikasa again and wear actual clothing, Petra. You have no idea. Can I get my phone back soon? I have to get everyone's numbers and emails and stuff so I can keep in contact."

She tilted her head to the side and addressed me in a confused tone. "Eren, didn't anyone say anything? You're not supposed to see fellow patients outside of the ward. It's supposed to be detrimental to the recovery process for both parties. We encourage everyone to continue through life using this as an important life experience that helped them grow. If you stay close to the ward and this part of your past, you can only grow so much. You'd be hindering yourself. Don't worry about anyone else, really! They're all doing well, I'm sure you see it. We'll ensure that they don't leave until we're positive that they're ready. You should focus on yourself. You deserve it."

"Nobody? Nobody at all? I can't come back to visit or anything?"

She shook her head. "You're not supposed to. Don't worry about it. You still have a week to spend with everyone, right? Just take advantage of the time you have left and prepare yourself to go back to your life. We've provided you with skills to help you overcome things in the future regardless of whether the others are around or not. It'll be fine," she put a consoling hand on my shoulder, "Anyway, that's all I wanted to say! I'm so proud of you, Eren; you've come a long way from where you were when I met you. That day, you looked so empty. Your eyes… It was strange. I'm sure you know what I mean when I say that it almost seemed like you weren't there, you weren't quite alive. You were just existing. You have so much more of a sense of purpose now. I'll let you know about rooming with Armin as soon as I can! I'll see you within the next few hours, so until then, have a lovely night," She finally ended with a sunny smile that made my stomach churn.

I thanked her and she left the room without that smile leaving her face. The only things that I could think about were the words that I'd assuaged Levi with just the previous night.

_Don't worry, I don't plan on going anywhere._

The unspoken promises that Levi's words had held no more than an hour ago.

_You don't plan on going anywhere, remember? I don't either. We've got time._

We didn't have time. There wasn't enough time in the world for us, and the realization threatened to push me over an all-too-familiar edge. I felt a violent urge to vomit when it occurred to me that I would need to tell Levi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL THEN  
> I HOPE YOU HATE ME AS MUCH AS I HATE ME RIGHT NOW  
> :3  
> If you catch awkward phrasing/typos/anything, let me know~


	17. Surrender

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well then. Have fun with this update? :3
> 
>  
> 
> The next chapter will indeed be in Levi's POV. I've actually wanted to do a chapter from his POV for a while now but it was never the perfect time.  
> Now, however, it is. You guys will get to see what goes on inside of his mind when he gets like this. You'll hopefully have an insight into why he does what he does. Especially now. adskjflkasjd excited ugh  
> :3 Enjoy, my loves.  
> I listened to The Neighbourhood's I Love You. album for the entire time that I wrote this so if you want to somehow try to get inside of my mind, go hit it up. The album and the person who introduced it to me are excellentttttt~ <3 unf love it
> 
> tumblr url: rivaille-fetish.tumblr.com  
> tracking: #fic: what it means to feel, #what it means to feel, #Opulence

What was I supposed to do?

He needed to know. Screwing up was something that I was painfully good at, but this time, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that he needed to know. Lying to him and pushing it away until the last minute would cause more problems than I needed to deal with, but when would I have time to talk to him about it? He was under 24-hour watch and we weren't roommates anymore. Just getting a chance to talk to him privately would be half of the battle.

His potential reactions worried me just as much. Everything about the situation was sensitive. Levi had _just_ been released from the hospital no more than a few hours ago. I couldn't bear to see him in pain again, especially not over something that had to do with me. Hadn't he told me that I was the only one he had left? How could I possibly do that to him? I'd come crashing into his life without him having much of a say and he had put up with my shit longer than he'd put up with anyone else's. There hadn't been a single point in time that he had actively hoped to have someone like me rupture the wall he placed between the world and himself. There wasn't a chance in hell that he'd expected me to surge through the cracks and become important. He hadn't wanted it. He'd put up with it all regardless. Being someone that he could trust was the least that I could do to make it up to him, but I couldn't even do that. 

I don't even know when it started, but I found myself considering things that I knew I shouldn't. I considered them in the sense that I found myself planning them lazily in my mind, formulating plans and times and details that needed to be just right. Another suicide attempt. It would be ideal if they found me so that I'd stay in the ward, of course, but would it really be that terrible if they didn't? 

Nothing had changed for the better except for my perception of the life I was living. Getting out of here would plunge me into the same bullshit that had put me here in the first place. On top of that, I'd have a month of school work to catch up on, a month of the real world and everything that happened to acquaint myself with, and a month that I would have to explain. Everyone would ask. 

The realization overwhelmed me. There would be expectations, judgements, cruel jokes, intolerance, stress and so many people that wouldn't understand a damn thing about my situation. The knowledge that the only people who would understand what I'd gone through were people that I couldn't have contact with was suffocating. Every single scenario that my mind concocted added pressure to my chest and made it that much harder to fill my lungs. I would be a fish out of water when I got out, trapped and suffocated by things that everyone around me were used to and thrived on.

Day to day interactions with the people in this ward were the only things that kept me stable.  _Would it really be terrible if they didn't find me in time?_

I'd had no problem figuring out a way to die earlier and I could've gone through with it had Levi not intervened. Levi wouldn't see it this time, there was no chance. I could go somewhere that Armin wouldn't find me either, or I could do it at the beginning of our free time, tell him I was going to bed and go to our room instead. Levi had found something to cut himself with, so I could possibly go that route. Two routes that, if planned properly, could be executed flawlessly. If I managed to time it perfectly... 

What the hell was wrong with me?

These thoughts hadn't crossed my mind in days; this haze hadn't settled over my mind since I had seen Levi bleeding out. My chest hurt so much that it was hard to breathe. This wasn't the right state of mind. A sense of urgency took a hold of my lungs and left me breathless and I _had_ to go. I had to do something, I had to tell Levi, I had to ease my racing heart and frantic breathing. It wasn't even a conscious action when my legs brought me directly to his door, the door that I'd seen him go into as I'd left Petra's makeshift conference room, and placed me directly in front of him. 

"I'm leaving in a week," I blurted, the perfect example of verbal diarrhea. I hadn't wanted to say it like that, I hadn't wanted to say it at all. I squeezed my eyes shut and continued, knowing that I'd already gone past the point of no return. "But when I leave, I can't stay in contact with anyone, it's against ward rules."

"And? Why are you telling me this?" My eyes snapped open at his icy words and I was met with an expression that was equally cold, enough so that my heart skipped a beat and dread pumped through my veins. "And you didn't knock _again._ I don't know why I waste my time thinking that you were raised with manners, Eren. You shouldn't be here; get out."

I was absolutely dumbfounded. Levi hadn't even flinched. His tone had been perfectly even and he'd spoken while staring me dead in the eyes. There wasn't even a trace of the warmth and tenderness that I had witnessed the previous night in his gaze or his voice; in fact, it felt like a fresh wall had been forged between us and reinforced to be twice as strong. "I… I figured you'd want to know, since… Weren't we…?" 

He raised an eyebrow. "Weren't we what? Roommates? That doesn't mean that I'm particularly worried about whatever the hell happens to you. Congratulations, you're getting out of this hellhole. Is that the reaction that you were looking for?"

He struck me speechless once again. Studying his face, it was almost as though I'd dreamt up the entire last two weeks of interactions between us. The way that he was addressing me now was the same way that he had addressed me on my first day. In fact, the condescending glare that I'd been met with at the door when I entered our room for the very first time was undeniably back. My next reply was hesitant. "No, not roommates. Is this just because you're on the watch list?"

"Is what because I'm on the watch list? What the hell are you on about now, Eren?" The way he spat my name made me cringe. He wasn't joking, this wasn't another one of his attempts at dry humor or messing with my head.

"Are you serious? I thought that we… Okay, we've already established that I'd be here for a while. With that said, this came up and I only found out today, but I don't want to go back on my word and I _definitely_ don't want to leave y-"

"Hey. Stop. You really don't listen. I told you to knock, you didn't knock. I've told you _countless_ times that you shouldn't think or assume, and you still do it. I told you to leave, and here you are. I don't even know what you're talking about anymore," he scowled and shook his head irritably. "I don't see why you would want to stick around here any longer than you need to. I'm glad you're getting out. Awesome. Hope the real world treats you better this time around. On your way out of this room, shut the door behind you. The idiots in this ward are always so goddamn loud."

"No."

He raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me? No? What do you mean by 'no'?"

I didn't actually know what I'd meant, it had rolled off of my tongue without much thought. An impulsive utterance."I said no. I'm not leaving."

"… The hospital or this room?"

I pondered it for a moment, then sighed, "Both, I guess. I don't know why you're acting like this, it isn't fair. I don't want to deal with this and you were the first person that I told. You had to be the first person. I thought you would care. I mean, you do care, right? You have to."

"I don't _have_ to do anything, brat. I couldn't care less; I'm sure Armin would've reacted to the news the way that you would've wanted him to. Shame you wasted it on me."

"I want you to care, god dammit," My voice raised and I couldn't hide how hurt I was. His words were piercing and they brought back the nausea that had hit me earlier. His lack of reaction tore me apart and I felt an overwhelming need to see him react, to see him respond regardless of the means. "What the hell is wrong with you? You really don't care? You wouldn't care if you never saw me again, Levi? Fine. What would you care about? Would you care if I took a knife to my throat, or if I hung myself right here? Would that be enough?"

He stared at me blankly, emotionlessly. A figure emerged from the corner and I jerked away, having completely ignored her when I'd come in. The nurse crossed her arms and intervened. "Ah, Eren, I think that you should leave now. I think that you've said enough. Levi looks like he would like to be alone."

"I don't want to-"

"That wasn't a request, Eren. Please remove yourself before we're forced to remove you," She warned slowly and shot me a dangerous glare.

"Levi, tell them that I-"

"I told you to leave already, kid. Maybe you should listen to your elders for once in your fucking life?" He laid back on his bed and closed his eyes calmly and it was as though I had never said a word to begin with. 

"You really don't…?"

"I said congratulations."

Dejected, my gaze fell to the ground and I dodged away from the nurse's attempt to lead me out by my elbow. "I can do it myself," I mumbled beneath my breath as I removed myself from his room. The door shut hard behind me before I could turn around to shut it myself, probably at the fault of the nurse. He hadn't wanted me there. I wasn't sure if this was just one of his moods and things had just been timed improperly, but I don't know that it mattered. I still selfishly expected more and I was irrationally angry and hurt that it hadn't phased him. Literally minutes before, I had been scared to death of telling him because I was worried that he would care too much. The thought of seeing him in pain had caused me physical discomfort. But now… Now, it didn't matter, _I just wanted him to fucking care._

The anxiety had simmered into a tangible emptiness, an antimatter in my chest and stomach that threatened to pull me down further than I'd been even before coming to the ward. It was fed with confusion and a certain amount of self-blame. I didn't know what I blamed on myself, but it wasn't of much consequence. I knew that I felt blame, I felt emptiness, confusion, and helplessness; I felt cheated, lied to, foolish, worthless, and pitiful. Absolutely pitiful. Even the fact that I had actually allowed myself to feed into self-pity disgusted me and I couldn't even do anything about it. 

I shuffled to the wall beside Armin's door and my back hit it limply. I slid down with my head in my hands and rocked back and forth just enough to keep me grounded and tied to some aspect of reality while I let my mind wander to a familiar corner of oblivion.

 

* * *

 

 

I opened my eyes to the sensation of a hand on my shoulder shaking me gently. "Eren, hey, what're you doing on the floor? Come on, it's almost lights out. If you're really that tired, you can go ahead and sleep now. I won't make any noise or anything," Armin said while he extended a hand in front of me, "I'll help you up, let's get going."

There was a legitimate concern in my mind that I didn't even have the will to lift up my arm. My depression had been triggered and it was back with a vengeance. I finally managed to place my hand in his but I avoided looking at his face while he pulled me up. He had to grip my elbow when I stumbled after my legs threatened to give out from under me. "Whoa there. Are you alright?"

"Fine. Sick."

"We'll get you to bed. You need rest. Did Petra say that you could stay with me?"

I inclined my head just enough for it to be considered as an affirmation and his grip on my elbow tightened for just a moment to tell me that he had understood my response. "Good. We'll see how you're feeling in the morning and figure things out from there, okay? I hope it isn't the flu or anything. I wouldn't be able to stand seeing you suffer through that, ugh. Okay… Under the covers, you don't look or feel like you have a fever so you need to keep warm to prevent chills. Wake me up if you need anything," Armin assured me gently while he helped me to the room and into the bed, then pulled the covers up to my shoulders. "Try to rest as best as you can."

My focus was drawn to the ceiling and I traced the little bumps with my eyes while my mind raced. He settled into his own bed with a preoccupied sigh and I heard his fingers brushing the a hardback book's cover even though the lights were off.

Even though every single ounce of my being desired it, Armin made me realize that suicide wasn't an option. While he sat there, grazing the binding of worn books that he'd probably read tens of times before, I was reminded of what he had told me. His love of reading had stemmed from his grandmother's stories and his grandmother's death had dealt a blow to him that was worsened by the knowledge that his last words to her were unacceptable. There was no doubt in my mind that every book that he read reminded him of of some aspect of her. His love of reading was a gift and a curse; his understanding of the world increased by the day but it was at the expense of painful memories that would haunt him for the rest of his life. It probably crossed his mind _every single day_ , and yet he was doing so well. I'd watched him open up and gain enough confidence to make friends. I had helped him grow and heal. Knowing that he would likely relapse if he knew that I was dead was enough to make me seriously reconsider. He would mind if I did something rash. Even if Levi couldn't give less of a damn, Armin did and maybe he wasn't the only one.

"Hey, Armin? Thank you."

"Huh? For what?"

 _Caring._ "Nothing in particular. Everything."

"No need to thank me! If anything, I should be thanking you, you know. I've probably said this before, but you're really a great friend. One of my first, too. I'm really lucky. Get some sleep! You need to get better."

"Yeah, you're right," I breathed and closed my eyes, "You're a great friend too. Good night."

The craving to extinguish my own flame was still very much present but I managed to keep it at bay with the realization that I couldn't bring myself to hurt the people who did care. Self-loathing was still threatening to break me down. My stomach still lurched when I insisted on torturing myself with vivid flashbacks of Levi's frigid expression and tone, especially when I paired it with how easily he had completely discounted the hell that we had put ourselves through these last few days. It all still hurt like a bitch but the difference was that I didn't have an easy escape anymore. I couldn't  fall asleep until I heard Armin's breathing become slow, shallow, and even. The sound of sleep was the only thing that could calm my thoughts long enough for me to doze.

 

* * *

 

 

Rain and a bridge.

The rain was cold and hard against my skin and it pounded against the concrete beneath my feet with so much force that I wondered if gravity had somehow become more powerful since I'd left the ward. Every drop was black and nebulous against the cloud-obscured dusk on the horizon. It all condensed around me and formed reflective puddles that were just barely visible on top of the black of the pavement. They were little ponds of darkness suspended yards above a larger darkness that seemed endless and impossibly deep, and the downpour only served to deepen it even further.

It was familiar.

My body carried out my actions expertly, I had done this all before and I had a singular goal. My body had a goal, what was the goal? The muscles and joints in my legs tightened and bent, respectively, but I didn't feel it, I only saw it. From a vantage point that didn't quite come directly from my own eyes, I watched myself approach the handrails and climb on top of the ledge to peer down. One foot over, two feet over. I was myself, I was falling and falling and falling. I never hit water but the murkiness still engulfed me enough that I could only barely see my own arms in front of me.

Upon closer inspection, however, they weren't actually my arms. They were arms covered with pale white hatch-marks and discolored cigarette burns, strong arms that were still capable of being gentle and tender and comforting. They were arms that I had come to know well; my body had mapped out each muscle and tendon and where they had fit best when folded around my frame. Sturdy forearms gave way to bony wrists and thin, frail-looking hands. Long, bony fingers brushed my own with a surprising about of elegance and fluidity. They were destructive hands that possessed a noticeable amount of dexterity; they had the divine power of literally taking life or symbolically giving it. When the words 'taking life' crossed my mind, I noticed a thin trail of blood ooze from a scar that had been previously sealed. The more I focused on it, the more they opened up. I pressed my hands hard against the cuts, anything to stop it, anything to bring him back because he was _so cold_ \--

His fingers locked between mine for a split second before being engulfed again by the abyss that I'd thrown myself into. Suddenly, Armin's voice spoke unintelligible words that drew my attention above my head. He stood behind the ledge that shrank smaller with every second, and behind him stood Mikasa, Jean, Sasha, Marco, Hanji, Petra, and Irvin, all peering down at me and creating a mess of voices that still managed to come together enough to call my name clearly. 

"Eren!"

I raised a hand to reach for them but the attempt was half-assed and I knew it; they were long gone and the realization hurt. The pain in their collective voices hurt. Would I have wanted to face them after this again anyway?

I hit water and it engulfed me, forcing its way into my mouth and body any way that it could, filling up my senses and fogging up my perception. I blinked hard twice and when I opened my eyes that second time Levi stood above the water with a hand extended toward me, close enough that I knew I could touch it if I reached.  It took every ounce of strength I had left in my body to bring up my hand and strain my muscles to stretch far enough to touch him. Mere millimeters away, when my vision was already darkening from lack of oxygen, his hand shot back and he stared me in the eye until I had to succumb to the pressure of the water on my chest.

"Je t'aime, Eren. I love you."

"If that's the case, it beats for you, kid."

"Stay with me."

"We've got time."

Sweet, syrupy pledges flattened into callous words that smothered me.

 _I don't_ have _to do anything. I couldn't care less._

Panic. He was gone. Everyone was gone, I was too far down to make it back up and I needed air.

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see.

 _I was dying_. My mind raced while fear and dread bubbled up into my chest. There were no more sunsets, no more dusks, no more stars. There were no more thoughts and no more conversations. There were no more emotions, no more laughing, smiling, crying or frowning. I'd have no chance to do anything I'd ever wanted to do. I'd rot on the bottom of the sea, I'd be nothing for the rest of eternity, and I hadn't even made enough memories yet to make it worth it. I would decay into matter and energy that, on a universal scale, was so insignificant that it was nothing. Nothing. 

I didn't want to die. I didn't want to die, I didn't want to die, I didn't want to die, I didn't want to--

 

* * *

I woke up yelling.

Amidst heaving sobs and shaking that I couldn't control, I felt the bed beside me dip down underneath the weight of someone else. A choked yelp escaped my lips when arms drew me up to a sitting position and caught me in an embrace. I instinctively pushed them away with the image of Levi's arms still fresh in my mind, but Armin pulled me out of my semi-conscious state. "Eren, hey, it's just a bad dream. I should've woken you up earlier, I thought that since you were sick that you should sleep… Hey? You up?"

"I don't want to die," I panted while I blinked him into focus and wiped my face on my sleeve. 

"What? Eren, you're not that sick, I promise. It was a nightmare. I don't even think you have a fever, you're just sweating."

"No, I'm not sick. I don't want to die. I don't want to kill myself."

He furrowed his brows and tilted his head in confusion, but nodded and rubbed my back anyway. "You're not going to die. You aren't going to kill yourself, either. I promise, it was just a dream. Do you need to talk about it?"

"Armin, I'm being discharged soon."

"Your dream was about discharge?"

I sighed. "No. Last night, when Petra pulled me aside, it wasn't to tell me about staying in this room. In fact, she never even got back to me about staying here. She pulled me out to congratulate me and tell me that I would be leaving as originally planned, which is incredibly soon. Maybe even sooner."

"Eren, that's amazing! I'm so happy for you. Why didn't you tell me last night?"

"That's not the full story. I didn't want to tell anyone last night. I really wished that Petra hadn't even told me."

Armin was absolutely bewildered and watched me with gently prodding eyes and incredibly open body language, turned completely toward me with his hands open on his legs. Even though it comforted me, it still took me a little while to control my nerves enough to tell him. "I can't keep in contact with you guys when I leave. I'm not allowed to visit, get your numbers, email you, anything. I have to cut off contact and leave you behind as a closed chapter in my life. I can't do that, Armin. I can't. The only reason I got any better was because you all made sure that I stayed strong," I replied shakily and was met with silence. Silence was the last thing that I needed. "Armin, _please_ say something, there's already enough shit on my mind. I can't sit here and assume that you're angry. Please."

"I don't know what to say. I'm so glad that you're getting out. If anyone deserves recovery and discharge, it's you. That matters more than anything. I'm obviously upset, but we… We'll deal with it when the time comes, okay? Let's just try to enjoy this while we can. Try to take your mind off of it, you can't relapse when you're already this close to freedom. Am I the only one who knows?" I shook my head and suppressed a sigh. "Who else did you tell?"

My face buried into my hands and I leaned down into the blanket over my legs. 

"Oh, tell me you're joking. Okay. What did he do to you? Is he the reason why you've been like this?"

"He didn't care."

"I'm not trying to undermine anything you're saying or feeling, so please don't take this the wrong way, alright? Are you _absolutely sure_ that he doesn't care?"

It wasn't exactly funny as much as it was entertaining that Armin finally caught onto how often I caused my own problems, but I sniggered beneath my palms anyway. "I'm sure this time. He said it himself. He told me that he didn't care. He acted like nothing at all ever happened between us. The worst part of it all, though, was the fact that he was dead serious. It was like he reverted back to the way that he'd been on the very first day I came here. No… Actually, now that I consider it, he was actually friendlier on the first day," This made Armin's eyebrows raise and I watched it happen from between my fingers, "He was distant and shut me out completely."

"Wow, what? Even after you guys…? He wouldn't even talk to you?"

"He spoke. He congratulated me then told me that he didn't really care. I was just his roommate, things that happened to me didn't affect him," I paused, experiencing a sudden realization, and continued, "Wait. Armin, do you know what Levi's in here for?"

"No, you said you couldn't tell me."

"I think I may need to tell you. You ready?" His nod was understandably tentative, and I continued, "Irvin basically told me that Levi has three distinct sides to him. Hanji said that it was a little bit like… something Identity Disorder? You know what I'm talking about. She used that to help me understand what he was dealing with, but she said that it didn't perfectly fit the bill. He has a baseline 'side', an affectionate 'side', and a withdrawn 'side'. She said it was a little bit like bipolar disorder too? I don't know if she meant because his sides came in cycles or because they're on opposite ends of the spectrum or what, but the point of telling you this is because I'm hoping that maybe yesterday was a temporary thing, you know? Maybe today he'll be normal again? I mean, I hope. I wouldn't have cared if he had said that to me within the first few days that I had been here. He was just an asshole at that point. It was normal. But now I know so much about him, things that he only trusted me with. I know too much to just let it go."

"That makes sense. It would explain why he would go from kissing you one night to ignoring you for two days. I can't believe I didn't see it before. And I didn't really expect for you to let it go, you're too way too obstinate. With that said, what are you going to do until you know for sure?"

"He'll be at breakfast, right? I'll find out then. Maybe we can straighten it out."

Armin's cheeks spread in one of the biggest smiles I'd seen since I'd came to the ward. "Uh… Do I have something on my face? Did I say something stupid?"

"No, I'm actually just really proud of you."

"For…?"

"That was all you. You dealt with this yourself. Sure, you worked it out verbally and directed it at me, but that was all you."

I lifted my head and turned my body to face him with a sheepish smile. "Yeah. I guess I listen and learn sometimes after all. I'm sure that not everyone would agree, but… I gained a lot from this. Anyway, I'm hungry.  Breakfast. Let's go."

Armin nodded, I threw on a change of clothes (my sweatpants from earlier, which had been washed promptly, and my black t-shirt), and we made our way to the cafeteria. My eyes automatically searched for Levi when we entered and settled on his arms first, uneasily recalling my nightmare, then moved up to examine his face. We made eye contact for the three seconds that I held his focus and the amount of disinterest that he conveyed was like a kick in the stomach. It was enough to stop me mid-step and I watched him lower his eyes back to his food and continue eating like he hadn't seen me in the first place. 

That was a pretty clear indicator that nothing had changed.

Armin realized that I wasn't still beside him when he was a few steps in front of me and he stopped to look back over his shoulder. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah, everything's fine," I replied and mentally congratulated myself for not letting my voice crack and betray my words.

"Want to sit with him?"

"No. Let's go over with everyone else," My reply came too quickly and Armin's face twisted with disbelief.

"Are you sure?"

Eye contact had been made between Levi and I and it was enough to show me how little he currently cared. The discolored patches on the wall would've been the most fascinating thing in the world had he been upset. He had no problem boring holes holes into the back of my head with his eyes and shooting me venomous glares when he was angry. Three seconds of utter disinterest wasn't something that I had ever experienced before from him; it didn't fit with any emotion he'd shown me before. It was one thing hearing him tell me that he didn't care, but watching it in his actions cemented it as a fact. 

This… This would be a good thing. Now I didn't need to worry about hurting him. My energy could be spent elsewhere. I could leave him alone and do my best to detach myself from him so that I could leave with no strings attached to keep me stuck in the past. 

The thin, delicate red thread that connected us was an oversight on fate's part. A mistake. It had been promising for a good amount of time, but it wasn't meant to be. The odds had been against us from the beginning. There was an age difference, we were both mentally unstable, suicide attempts nearly separated us more than once, and our mood shifts and misunderstandings had shaken us on multiple occasions. Levi deserved happiness, there was no doubt in my mind that he did, but as much as it absolutely killed me, I knew that I couldn't really give it to him. Anyone would be crazy not to want to make him happy, so I didn't have to worry too much, right? He was like a drug: the way that his skin radiated warmth and security, the way that his breathing slowed every night even though he never quite made it to sleep (unless he was tucked under my arm, but that thought sent sharp pains surging through my chest), how well his fingers fit between (my) fingers, the way that his lips hungrily took charge while somehow remaining tender and gentle… I couldn't be the only one who would appreciate it all. 

There would be someone who could give him what I'd failed to give him. There would be someone there to emphasize that he wasn't alone. They would reassure him that his scars didn't make him any less human and that he wasn't a monster, they didn't make him weak and they didn't mean that he was "damaged" or "broken" in any way. They weren't beautiful and they weren't ugly. They were a physical representation of a past that had threatened to shatter every aspect of his life and himself; it was a past that had forced him to dance along the fine lines between life and death, sober and wasted, legal and illegal, sane and unstable, trusting and suspicious, and even hostile and gentle. Someone would tell him what I'd told him: every scar is a reminder that he was strong enough to survive. Every sunken white line represented a time that he'd chosen to live, whether he had consciously meant to or not. 

They would remind him that occasionally, living took infinitely more strength than dying did. He'd lived through more of those occasions than the vast majority of the population had. He had the strength that most of humanity needed. His scars did nothing to change that fact.

Someone else would know how to properly handle his condition and they would help him in the ways that I couldn't. 

"Positive. It's not worth it. It's probably better if I don't try to get close to him again. Let's go eat."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That dying bit at the end of the dream... It was going to be longer and more in depth because that's something I struggle with/get anxiety attacks over but I almost got an anxiety attack trying to write it soooooooo we didn't do that. :D  
> Let me know what you guys think~  
> (If I need to fix anything, you should also let me know!)


	18. Addiction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING. RAPE AND ABUSE. not heavily described but be warned.  
> Levi's Point of View. 
> 
> I highly suggest reading at least some of this with the song Commercial for Levi-Placebo. A reader pointed this song out and unf wow, I wrote a good portion of it while I listened because it fit almost PERFECTLY to what the chapter was about.
> 
> This was quite an undertaking. I hope you guys like it. Oh lord. I need some sleep, he's absolutely exhausting.
> 
> BY THE WAY GUYS. I FUCKED UP. Months have four weeks, not three. Oops. :D Messed with things just a bit, Eren is getting discharged early at the doctor's discretion (which is still normal, every ward is different) and Petra tells him that.
> 
> More notes at the end.

I was the only person that I needed in my life.

I'd learned quickly that people were shit. I hadn't been coddled; I hadn't been led through life with open arms. I hadn't been comforted with warm hands and kind words. Childhood had been a time of learning for me; with that said, my time wasn't wasted on arithmetic and memorizing useless facts regarding prime ministers and kings long dead. At the tender age of eight, I had learned that trust was a useless concept. Nobody was worthy of my trust. People were scum; they were bottom feeders, indulgent swine, and lascivious bastards. They were disgusting pieces of shit and it took me less than a year to realize that I had very little use for them.

Coming to America should have been a new start, an escape. Looking back, I was a fucking idiot for even assuming that a change of location would change what I'd known to be fact. 

Two strangers that told me only that they were distant relatives became my family. They offered me their home and gave me my own room; nine-year-old me had been convinced that I had hit the fucking jackpot and things would be okay. It damn near happened, too. I spent six months getting settled in. In that time, they found a school for me, gave me gifts in the form of room decorations and toys that any normal child would've enjoyed, and made me feel at home. Their French was at a beginner's level at best and communication was difficult, especially because they held off on teaching me English for _months_. Disillusioned by the excitement of being in a foreign country, I didn't notice the warning signs.

I'd been sitting at the table eating soup with a glass of water and they had been talking to each other in rapid English that I couldn't have understood even if I'd tried. I did try; the words sounded beautiful to my untrained ear and I passed the time trying to imagine what was being said. Having lost myself in my imagination like any nine year old would, I reached to take a sip of my water and absentmindedly knocked it over with the back of my fingers. Following a string of grunts and infuriated hisses in English, he took my chin in his hand and pulled me up to face him directly. His face was red and twisted into an expression that oozed with rage, but I didn't have enough time to process what that fucking _meant_ before his knuckles made solid contact with my jaw. The only thing I remember after that is sitting on my bed with a knot on my chin and blood seeping from my right nostril. I didn't recall ever hurting my nose.

Nothing happened during the following week. It wasn't brought up and they treated me like it'd never happened; in fact, they bought me new clothes and toys. I was too young to comprehend the fact that they did it as a way to keep me pacified, to make me forget. It wasn't as though I could've told anyone anyway. It _just so happened_ that they still hadn't gotten around to finding someone to teach me English.

That weekend, I was met with a knee to the ribs as punishment for not looking up when my name was called. It was followed up by an attempt to mollify me with material possessions. Exactly five days passed until the next incident, when he threw a glass ashtray at my head, missed, and watched it shatter against the wall behind me. Four days later, he throttled me against the wall until my vision blurred. Three days, he took a handful of my hair and pulled so hard that I remember wondering if my scalp had separated from my skull. The downtime between each incident shrank every time, and the only things that remained constant were the fact that I always completely lost an hour or more of my life afterwards, and they always covered their asses with gifts. 

The nightmares eventually started up again and sleep avoided me like the plague. The abuse lasted until the beginning of my first year of high school, when I finally learned English and forced myself to stay out of the house. The observation that I'd made prior to being shipped to this hellhole of a country had been reinforced: _people were shit._

On the heels of that realization came the discovery that I couldn't have given less of a damn about my reputation. When I'd made my way into my freshman year, I'd gained numerous handles from the other sheep in the herd. I was the goth kid, the weird kid, the gay kid. Being surrounded by homophobes both at school and at home meant that I never heard the end of it. Every day, pointed accusations of "faggot" and "pansy" flew from the mouths of my peers. Returning home, I'd be greeted by intolerance and rants about immorality from the people I shared a house with.

Partially out of spite and partially because I wanted to see what would happen, I sucked my first dick on my fourteenth birthday.

It had been the perfect setup. He had been a senior and the quarterback of the football team, a closet fag with a whore of a girlfriend. The opportunity to get head from the frail, innocent little French prettyboy would've been too much for most people to pass up, and he was no exception. He shoved my head against the side of the stall in the men's bathroom while he shoved his sorry excuse of a dick down my throat; when I pushed off to pick myself off of the filthy floor, he gripped my hair and held me against him. I took that as a valid excuse to bite down, and he took that as a valid excuse to shove a knee into my neck and pin me long enough to finish in my throat and retreat with his tail tucked between his legs.

 _On my fourteenth birthday, I learned exactly how much pride drove the actions of these cretins._ It became obvious to me that I was more than capable of using it to my advantage and, in turn, using them to my advantage.

Fast forward four years.

Education hadn't been an issue. At $20 a blowjob, money hadn't been an issue until I'd met molly and she rocketed me away into the party scene. I'd already decided that furthering my education would've been a waste of time. I'd left the house provided to me by strangers that were only connected to me by genetic makeup and traded it for what I'd needed.

The raves I'd attended nightly gave me the drug access I'd craved and just enough human interaction to get what I wanted. One night stands provided me with a bed for the night and (occasionally) a damn good pay. The sentimental ones were occasionally good for a week's lodging and, if I were particularly lucky, a nice wad of cash or some nice clothes. They never knew my name and I didn't give enough of a shit to ask theirs. I'd been given no reason to give a damn about anyone. They had provided me with what I wanted and that was what my relationship with everyone I'd interacted with boiled down to: they were pawns in my game. I owed them nothing; I owed the world nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I generally took pride in how well I could judge a person's character. I rarely had particularly bad fucks and I had only been roughed up once or twice; each brawl ended with them sustaining more damage than I had. The men popping pills at the bowl were my type: tall, lean, strong, and loaded. I could almost _smell_ the money on their clothing and when I saw them producing the goods from their own pockets, I always knew that they would be my next conquest. One man in particular provided me with an all-too-familiar exchange: I pulled myself out of the high I'd managed to sustain for what seemed like weeks long enough to find myself pinned against the stall wall in a men's bathroom with his dick down my throat. Something told me not to fight back, so I'd turned my eyes up at him with the knowledge that he thought that I was sexy as hell, and the eye contact rewarded me with liquid heat sliding down my throat.

That was how I met my first long-term dealer.

The next year and a half was a blur of sex, raves, ecstasy, and cocaine. I was high more than I was sober and I paid for my fixes with my body in more ways than one. Like any good closet gay, he only fucked me when he knew that nobody was looking, but I knew that he loved it when he begged like a slut and satisfied my cravings as payment. 

I eventually learned that there were a hell of a lot of parallels between the varsity quarterback and him, particularly in the abuse department. With that said, I wasn't stupid. Risking my life for a high wasn't on my list of priorities and for a long time, I didn't have to. The occasional black eye or bruised rib was a small price to pay for quality coke and I already had plenty of experience dealing with people laying their filthy hands on me. 

Rape… The rape was a different story. It doesn't matter how broken you are, how little you care about other people or yourself and what happens to you. I couldn't have been prepared for the way that he gripped my throat and twisted my arms to immobilize me and I couldn't have been prepared for the way that he took what I was in no state of mind to give. He brought me down from my highs with reassurances that I deserved it, my body wanted him, I was just playing hard to get, he loved me, that it would be _so much easier_ if I just gave in so that he didn't have to kill me. I was high, it was my fault. So I got higher. There were recesses of my mind that I retreated to when it was necessary, but I was a shitty person and as far as he was concerned, his actions had been justified and the pain had been justified. I heard it so much that I believed it. 

When I believed it, I sought pleasure from it. It became an "if you can't beat them, join them" type of situation and I was just fucked up enough to start to enjoy the physical abuse. It gave me release. The only reason I kept him around for as long as I did was because he had great connections behind the scenes… and he hit me just hard enough to make me feel it for days. If that wasn't the second best high I'd ever experienced, I didn't know what was.

It didn't take terribly long for him to break what boundaries I did have, however; the fucker came at me with a knife after forgetting for a _crucial_ moment that I was fully capable of defending myself. I purposefully broke both of his hands and effectively ended his dealing career, but he did manage to leave me a pretty little line of remembrance between my ribs that spurred my addiction to the blade. I left him passed out on the floor, took his stash, and plunged myself into the beginning of what people of sound mind would call my end. 

I called them my golden years.

Becoming a dealer meant that I made my own money and provided myself with my own shit. I genuinely had no use for anybody for the first time since I'd been born. All I needed were customers. Everything else was provided for me with my own hands, and from that point on, high was a way of life. It was an unspoken rule that dealers didn't use their own wares, but being a good dealer wasn't a priority. Money was of little consequence to me as long as I had enough to feed my habit and keep the pain of existing at bay. Heroin was my religion; I worshipped three times a day as a fresh congregant, and eventually worked my way up to every three hours when I became a fervent devotee. It claimed my body with its tracks on my arms and they complimented my own work, visible on every other part of my body. It didn't make sense for my body to be unblemished and clean if I knew that nothing else about my life was. It brought me euphoria that made me forget; it took me so high that I couldn't do anything but tingle and exist. Admittedly, I don't remember a hell of a lot about this period of my life.  I recall having a few falling-outs with local gangs, memorizing the way that each part of my body responded to pain, basking in the adrenaline rushes I got when I supplemented my highs with fresh new cuts and burns. Most of all, I recall hoping time and time again that the next shot would be an overdose, that the next opium kick would be enough to knock me out.

I've been to the bottom. In fact, I conquered the bottom and the bottom had been my bitch. In the years that I've spent in this ward, I've seen hundreds of kids cycle through. I've listened to more sob stories than I could count. I've see kids taking the knife to their wrists because the love of their sixteen-year-old life slept with the girl next door, and all I could do was sit back and stare in disbelief and contempt at how unbelievably _weak_ they were. I scared them. They caught hints of my scars, they were intimidated by my stares. The average turnaround time was a few weeks, then they were back to being perfectly happy with their lives now that they'd seen the kind of place that they didn't want to end up in. It wasn't prison, not explicitly. I was, however, incarcerated mentally and emotionally and they knew it. They saw it. It was enough for them to reconsider how insurmountable their problems really were in the scope of things and it sent them home changed.

My roommates lasted even less time. The insomnia unnerved them and they had trouble understanding how I couldn't have given less of a damn about them. Questions stopped after the first night and most switched rooms quickly. There were no complaints on my end; they didn't serve a purpose in my life. As far as I was concerned, their existence as much consequence as the common housefly's. That's how it went for years. When Eren Jaeger came and single-handedly broke down every wall I'd ever constructed to separate me from the rest of the world, it was without precedent.

He was different from the beginning. Certain people that came into the ward stayed for a prolonged period of time. Jean, Marco, Sasha, even Armin were perfect examples; they each had problems that ran deep and threatened to tear them apart from the inside. Something about the way that they presented themselves was always incongruous with the rest of the patients. Jaeger possessed it, too. It was a look in his eye, a nonverbal statement that he had already given up.

It took him less than a minute to make an ass out of himself and at that point I'd only been pissed off that I'd have to deal with a long-term patient as my roommate. A fucking _stupid_ long-term patient. The relentless questions made me want to rip my hair out. 

Love had fallen under the same umbrella as trust for most of my life. To love meant to give myself to someone, and giving myself to someone required that I trust them. That didn't ever happen, I'd made sure of it. But Eren caught me at the only moments when I was vulnerable, breached my walls and stole my heart before I had time to comprehend what he'd done. Every attempt I made to push him away and despise him was thrown back into my face when I saw hurt in his eyes and inflected in his voice; his saccharine words ignited warmth in my chest that hadn't existed since my childhood. I found myself craving him and his touch. 

In a matter of weeks, a suicidal, idiotic teenager had pulled me up from depths I'd been drowning in for so long that I'd given up hope of being found alive. He'd breathed life into me and I'd finally felt _something_ that hadn't resulted from drugs. For the first time, I was happy… and for the first time, I was scared of what that might entail.

 

* * *

 

 

I shamelessly watched Eren's ass hang from between Irvin's arms while they left and couldn't hold back my laughter. Watching his face twist with mortification even after having spent a night writhing underneath me only served as a reminder of his innocence, an innocence that an animalistic side of me desperately wanted to ravage and claim as my own. The door clicked closed and I laid back against my pillow with the hint of a smile still on my lips. There wasn't any benefit to acting like things weren't _finally_ looking up. 

Last night hadn't just been a fuck; for the first time in twenty-six years --the sentimentality of this was nearly sickening and I hope that little dick was fucking happy that he'd caused this -- I had _made love_ to someone. Eren hadn't shoved me into the mattress or against the wall by my throat, he hadn't threatened my life or paid me in anything but his company. I'd topped, in fact; I'd chosen my position freely and he'd consented, which was an entirely foreign concept.  

Eren was still an assumptive, nosy, aggravating pain in the ass, but I had an insatiable urge to forcefully revoke his speaking privileges with my tongue every time he opened his mouth. He was annoyingly endearing. I wanted to claim him and make his body want me and me alone. I wanted to leave my mark on every inch of his skin, make him hunger for me like I was a designer drug, and _show_ him what it meant to be addicted.

The scars on my chest still tingled with the memory of his touch when I pulled my gown back over my arms and against my body. 

_They're a part of you, they're a part of your past and they're reminders that you're alive. You don't need to be proud of them but hating yourself for them isn't any better. Every single one of them is a time that you ended up alive and that's what I'm focusing on because I'm just so fucking proud of you for being alive right now._

Who the hell had given him permission to worm his way into my heart or to render me speechless? My words were always calculated, my thoughts were always planned and concise. I hadn't had a response in my arsenal for that, however, and my reply had reflected that. Vulnerability. The last of my defenses shattering under the unfamiliar weight of someone genuinely giving a shit.

I would be going back to the ward today. Stretching my arms no longer presented the possibility of my wounds reopening and the hospital wouldn't want for me to waste their precious resources more than I'd need to. My actions would have repercussions and there was a good chance that I'd be put under suicide watch for _at least_ a week, given my track record. Depending on which nurses were assigned to me, however, there would be opportunities for me to have time to myself. 

(Time to dedicate to the little fuck.)

Right on cue, two nurses entered to collect me, my clothes tucked underneath their arms. Their faces were familiar and I remained silent when they spoke, responding only with my eyes. They were intuitive and stopped feigning concern while I dressed and we walked to the ward without a word. It was 4:45, ten minutes to dinner; Eren would be bantering with the rest of the breakfast club. If I was lucky, he'd see me walking through the doors and put the pieces together in his mind to realize that I was back and under watch. 

The kids were all huddled around the table as I'd predicted, obnoxiously yelling about some bullshit dealing with missing cards, but Eren was nowhere to be found. Just before I turned the corner into the residence hallway, Armin caught my narrowed eyes and mouthed, ' _Sleep._ ' 

Right. I'd taken away his walking capability.

Every step I took slowed me minutely, just enough that they didn't actively notice that I'd fallen back to follow their strides instead of match them. Every room that we passed earned a second-long glance while I scouted out the one Eren resided in, and when I finally found it, I slipped in and closed the door quietly behind me.

Sprawled out on the bed, his arm hung over the side and the blanket had been kicked off of one half of his body to be wrapped around the other leg. A disgusting pool of drool had materialized underneath his cheek and it warranted a grimace; even when he was asleep he was a fucking mess. I would've been entertained if I wasn't already appalled. 

"Eren, hey. I don't have time to deal with this. Wake up. Wake up or I swear I will flip the bed and I guarantee the floor isn't nearly as comfortable. Trust me," I hissed as close to his face as I could bear to be given his state, and he stirred, groaned, then opened his eyes.

"Oh… holy shit, what? Why are you… What the hell is wrong with this ward? Why is this an okay way to wake people up? Why are you here? Levi… Wait, seriously, why are you here and not in the hospital?"

"Discharged. I'm back here for the time being."

"Here, like… Here? There are only two beds…?"

My first reaction was to get up and leave his sorry ass, to beg the nurses to sedate me so that I didn't have to deal with the knowledge that I was enamored with _this…_ But despite the shiny line of saliva that still connected his lip to his pillow, I couldn't complain. He was attractive, with deep green eyes that I'd watched come alive and gleam with every dopey smile. Eren was still blissfully youthful, radiant with the experiences of a childhood I hadn't had. The differences between us made it that much easier to rationalize his ignorance as just a result of a different upbringing and ordinary state of mind.

That said, forcing my eyes shut and sighing was barely enough to keep my temper in check. "No, not here, shitty brat. I'm going to pretend that that question was a result of the fact that you just woke up. I'm not actually supposed to be here right now, but I figured I'd let you know what was going on. Are you awake enough to pay attention?" The question was met with an enthusiastic nod and I continued, "Good. Irvin probably let you know that we won't be roommates for a while. I don't know how long it'll be. I'm under watch. I'm technically under watch right now, but let's disregard that for a mom-"

And the interruptions began. He'd been awake no more than three minutes and my nerves were already shot. "Eren. No. Just shut up for a second. They don't know where I am right now. I don't plan on sticking around here for too long, just long enough to let you know that I'm back. The nurses are going to be riding my ass for a while, so we won't be getting anything done. I know it'll kill you, but just hold in there, yeah? I'm sure you've got enough to fantasize about now," Just as I'd predicted, he melted into his hands and his ears turned bright red when he processed what I'd said. My fingers found their way through his bed head and mussed his hair. "You're really fucking cute for a kid that doesn't shut up unless he's beet red."

"I'm not cute," he retorted beneath his breath, curling up further into himself while his blush extended down the back of his neck.

"You're fucking adorable, don't give me lip. Anyway, your ass is mine when the staff lays off of me. That's a promise."

"Wait, hold on. No. I want to be on top next time."

The fact that I'd managed to hold back from bursting into a fit of laughter was a damn miracle. This had come from an eighteen year old virgin that hadn't even known that he was capable of taking it up the ass until he'd been put in the situation himself. Now he wanted to top _me?_ Fat chance. "Right. We'll see. You don't plan on going anywhere, remember? I don't either. We've got time," I pressed close to his ear, taking pleasure in the way he shivered by my breath and words, then stole a kiss and left the room before he could ruin it with the trash that he considered talking. 

The nurses had stopped two rooms down and were visibly worried about the state of their employment now that they'd lost a mentally unstable patient. I cleared my throat loudly and their relief was tangible. "I went nowhere. At no point did you fail to notice that I'd left. Fair enough?" Two nods. "Good. I know how this works, I've done it before. Take me to my room and you can save yourselves the trouble of explaining."

 

* * *

 

 

Dinner was served to me in my room and I (barely) ate under the supervision of the nurses, who had wordlessly agreed to entertain my need for mutual silence in return for my cooperation. The craving for human interaction that I'd been experiencing for the past few days was only worse now that I was teasingly close to what I'd claimed, but the malaise left me with ample time to think and plan. 

If I played my cards right, I'd be set free and given my own room again after a week; I would have to check with Irvin and see if he could pull some strings and get me off the hook any faster. Even then, the chances that Eren and I would be put in a room together again were slim to none, but the damn kid had gained experience in sneaking around and I'd make damn sure that he put his skills to use. I had every intention of claiming his nights and ensuring that I was the only thing going through his head every morning, I would become something that he couldn't live without.

(He had already done the same to me with ease, the piece of shit.)

As my thoughts wandered, I realized that my life had been spent living day-to-day for the longest time because the future was never promised. On the streets, I could've died at any point and nobody would've batted a lash. That was what being homeless (which was what I was, more or less) entailed. The ones that planned for the future had no future. The only survivors were the people that focused everything on making it through the present. Goals consisted of finding food, finding clean water, and staying alive, because "long term goals" didn't exist. _There was no long term._ Life expectancy maxed out at twenty-eight if you were either lucky, balls-deep in connections, or really fucking good at what you did. What use did I have for planning ahead?

The things that went through my mind now weren't things that I had experience considering. There was a significant difference between living just because I felt obligated to and feeling like I had a reason to live. My actions were now driven by a goal that I'd made for myself subconsciously: I wanted a future outside the ward, quite possibly alongside the idiot that had reminded me how to be human. 

Heavy footsteps echoed in the hallway and stopped long enough for my door to swing open. I was immediately greeted by Eren's face, brows furrowed and eyes grave, and he stopped directly in front of me.

"I'm leaving in a week, but when I leave, I can't stay in contact with anyone. It's against ward rules."

Everything froze around me. My breath caught in my throat, my heart stopped, and I sat and stared at him, unblinking. I studied his face carefully, looking for signs that he was joking, a twitch of his lips or a gleam in his eyes. There was nothing. Just somber uncertainty and disbelief. Everything in my body felt glacial, the room spun, and my vision went fuzzy just as I wondered about whether or not I'd have enough in my stomach to vomit.

 

* * *

 

_"I'm leaving in a week, but when I leave, I can't stay in contact with anyone. It's against ward rules."_

Of course he was. I'd known from the beginning that he wouldn't stay, that it was a waste of time to let him in. I'd barricaded myself from the rest of the world for a reason, how dare he take advantage of my susceptibility to certain situations? How dare he let me think that he was any different than the rest of them? They all left eventually and I'd been here long enough to know that. Eren hadn't. He'd taken advantage of the situation and used it to attach and mold himself into me and become an irreplaceable part of my being. He'd leave and take that part of me, leave me worse off than when he'd came. Fuck it. 

"And? Why are you telling me this?" Eren's life oozed of normalcy even with the death of his parents. Realistically, there wouldn't have been room for a dysfunctional relationship with a mentally unstable man anyway. He'd be better off without me. I'd be better off without him. No more mistakes, no more letting my guard down for anyone. He would leave with my heart, oblivious. At least I wouldn't have to bother keeping it locked away anymore. "And you didn't knock _again_. I don't know why I waste my time thinking that you were raised with manners, Eren. You shouldn't be here; get out."

"I… I figured you'd want to know, since… Weren't we…?" Quivering words and troubled eyes reminded me that he hadn't ever been good at suppressing his emotions when he felt them. I'd already broken him and he was looking for ways to salvage the remains. 

"Weren't we what? Roommates? That doesn't mean that I'm particularly worried about whatever the hell happens to you. Congratulations, you're getting out of this hellhole. Is that the reaction that you were looking for?" Another direct blow; I was rewarded with a split-second grimace.

"No, not roommates. Is this just because you're on the watch list?"

I curled my lips with distain and quirked an eyebrow. "Is what because I'm on the watch list? What the hell are you on about now, Eren?"

"Are you serious?" Tone thickly laced with denial, he tried to reason and assure himself that I was joking. Words that lacked confidence made a weak attempt to keep his illusions within reach. "I thought that we… Okay, we've already established that I'd be here for a while. With that said, this came up and I only found out today, but I don't want to go back on my word and I definitely don't want to leave y-"

He was holding on and that was something I couldn't afford to let him do. Eren was afraid of change, clinging to _anything_ in order to keep things going the way that they were and that he wanted them them to. The persistence that he possessed made every single one of his actions _that much more bothersome_ , but I'd always privately admired it. His drive was something that so many people lacked and needed, but now it was a serious problem. Now I'd have to really break him. I'd have to tear him down and make sure that he couldn't recover; any chance of restoration needed to be annihilated. My words needed to cut deeply.

"Hey. Stop. You really don't listen. I told you to knock, you didn't knock. I've told you countless times that you shouldn't think or assume, and you still do it. I told you to leave, and here you are. I don't even know what you're talking about anymore. I don't see why you would want to stick around here any longer than you need to. I'm glad you're getting out. Awesome. Hope the real world treats you better this time around," I eyed the door and made the decision to finish with words that made him visibly flinch, "On your way out of this room, shut the door behind you. The idiots in this ward are always so goddamn loud."

"No."

My focus was shattered for a moment while my mind digested the fact that he had defied me. He actually had the fucking balls to defy me. "Excuse me? No? What do you mean by 'no'?"

"I said no. I'm not leaving."

"… The hospital or the room?"

"Both, I guess. I don't know why you're acting like this, it isn't fair. I don't want to deal with this and you were the first person that I told. You had to be the first person. I thought you would care. I mean, you do care, right? You have to."

Fair? Fair was a myth, a notion that had been fabricated because the world was a goddamn filthy place.  Fair was an insult to everything I'd ever experienced. Eren had managed to genuinely piss me off. "I don't _have_ to do anything, brat. I couldn't care less; I'm sure Armin would've reacted to the news the way that you would've wanted him to. Shame you wasted it on me."

"I want you to care, god dammit," His voice had raised to an almost uncomfortable volume and I rolled my eyes and met his gaze evenly while he continued, "What the hell is wrong with you? You really don't care? You wouldn't care if you never saw me again, Levi? Fine. What would you care about? Would care if I took a knife to my throat, or if I hung myself right here? Would that be enough?"

I watched a nurse shift from the corner of my eye and observed Eren's expression darken when she told him to leave. "Levi, tell them that I-"

My turn to interrupt him, to completely disregard what came out of his mouth. "I told you to leave already, kid. Maybe you should listen to your elders for once in your fucking life?"

"You really don't…?" 

"I said congratulations," I hissed irritably and knew from the moment that it had rolled off of my tongue that he had no response to that. The ceiling caught my focus again, but I never quite found anything to think about. I stared and breathed, not quite sure that doing such counted as being alive. One step forward had turned into two bounds back and for the first time in years, I craved the warmth and complacency of a good fix. I wanted a high that I'd never come back down from.

 

* * *

 

"Rivaille, my dear? I know that you haven't been feeling well, but you need to eat something. I'm just going to pack you some of the bread that I made last night and they should be more than happy to share cheese if you feel up to asking for some. Promise me that you'll eat?" I sniffled and sighed, but nodded.

"I promise. I won't promise that I'll be able to keep it down, though."

"Oh, have you vomited?"

"No, but I've been feeling like I will all morning. It's okay. I'll be home soon, I'll be able to handle it."

"You're sure that you don't want to stay home?"

"Yes!  Mom, you're the one who always tells me how important it is that I go to school, right? I'll be okay!"

She passed me my lunch in a paper bag and ruffled my hair with a shining smile and a sigh. "I've taught you well, my little one. Have a good day, be good. If you start feeling better, you're more than welcome to look for us and give us a hand. I miss you, it feels like I never have enough time with my baby boy anymore."

"Mom," I groaned and rolled my eyes, "I'm not a baby anymore. I'm _eight_. I'll come and see you anyway. I'm leaving now, I don't want to be late. I love you, I'll see you later."

She kissed my forehead and hugged me into her chest so hard that I had to pry myself away. "Okay, okay. Bye, mom," I took a deep breath to try to keep what little I'd had for breakfast in my stomach and started down the road I'd traveled hundreds of times over. The October air was unseasonably chilly and it mixed with my body aches to send uncomfortable waves of pain shooting up my spine with every step I took. Never before had my nose been runny and dry at the same time; my sinuses were on fire and my head pounded more and more as I continued toward the house. 

I was going to vomit.

There was no question about it anymore. I wasn't entirely sure when, but I was going to vomit. I could taste the mixture of stomach acid and croissant every time my body forced me to burp and I _knew_ that I was going to vomit. It took a few minutes of deep thought, but I finally decided that school wasn't worth the embarrassment of me losing my breakfast on the floors of a beautiful home. I'd go back to the house and let mom and dad know that I'd be staying home, then pass out in my bed. They'd let the family know that I was sick when they got to work.

The longer I walked, the worse I felt. By the time I got back home, my head was swimming under the influence of a developing fever and the world spun around me. 

Had I left the door open? It doesn't matter, it just meant that I didn't need to open it again.

Silence greeted me, silence and clutter. No, not just clutter, the living room and kitchen looked like they'd been hit by a tornado. Why? Had I missed something this morning, had today been special in some way? Where were they? I needed to find them.

The first place I checked, their room, held nothing but more untidiness. Bathroom was empty. Storage rooms untouched.

I was tired and sick, they must've left already. I'd taken too long to get home, I'd missed them. I needed sleep. The pressure inside my head was too much to bear and the light _burned._ The walls spun around me and I just barely made it to my door without my legs collapsing underneath my own weight. Gripping the banister until my knuckles were white, I pushed the door open.

Blood.

Blood everywhere.

Pools of blood seeping into the floor, expanding to soak haphazardly-thrown sheets and pillows and papers and objects that used to be mine.

The eye contact we made was sobering. There was no more dizziness and no more pain, every single piece of me was numb and frozen in place. I knew him. I trusted him. We trusted him. The corners of his lips crept up into a grin that sent chills down my spine and he took my father's head into his hands and twisted with a sickening _crack._ Pulled a knife from a case on his hip, bent my mother's neck backwards over his knee, looked me square in the eye and plunged the blade deep.

Blood on his hands, his clothing, his face.

He let her fall to the floor to soak in her own gore and his gaze never faltered from my face. All I could do was stand frozen while he opened his mouth and cackled, an awful sound that pierced my flesh like needles.

Needles.

A needle in the inside of my elbow, inserted parallel to the vein. Don't push it too deep, don't want to go all the way through. Pull back on the plunger, see a flash of crimson. Good to go. Push back down, slow and steady, feel it right away but _keep going_. Keep going even when the pain is gone, when my head swims and I'm warm in my high's embrace. Keep going, not too fast; can't blow a vein. Can't waste _anything_ good.

Vomiting doesn't hurt, it's good. The vomiting is good. It's in my system. Filthy, but it's fine. Filthy. Don't care.

Not good enough, not strong enough. Shoot up again. Another vein, other arm. Behind the knee. Down the thigh. On the foot as a last resort (Do it wrong, don't walk for days… No, don't need to walk. Doesn't matter.) Avoid the track marks, make new ones. Shaking hands need to go slow, to go slow and shoot slow. Feel good right away, fire in my heart radiating from nerve to nerve and consciousness fades. Stay awake, finish it off. 

Finish and fly.

Eyes close to vivid dreams and open to tingling bliss; eyes close to alternate realities and open to euphoria. Post-orgasm bliss magnified a hundred times over. 

Feel great. Sublime. Black in the corner of my eyes, breathing slowed and shallowed, _overdose_. Overdose is nice. No pain, no people, no feeling. Nobody to find me and slap me awake, nobody to scream obscenities and feign concern. Slip away in peace, pleasantly alone and-

Eren.

Pleasure and warmth in my chest interrupted by shaky words and cool hands, hot tears on my face. Not my tears. Large hands holding me close.

" _Oh my God, I can't tell if he's alive._ "

I'd heard those words before. Strangled yelling, sobs, and an embrace; Eren's voice, choked and pained, repeated my name over and over again. It felt from his lips in tortured, shuddering breaths, and my chest tightened with every repeat. Despite his anguish, I couldn't help but bask in every sound that he made.

His quivering fingers press to my wrist, to my neck. Desperate attempts to find a pulse end fruitlessly.

His forehead pressed close to me and his tears hit my cheeks, fresh and warm. It was his warmth on my skin that reminded me that I was dying. It reminded me of what that _meant._

I'd never hear him again. I'd never feel him again. Never hold him again, never touch him again, never have him again. I'd never learn how to live and he would never have the chance to teach me.

I hadn't even lived yet. That bastard had given me a reason to live but he'd never shown me the ropes.

I'd be damned if I expired before I'd done something to justify my twenty-six years of hell. I hadn't suffered just so I could fuck myself over with a high.

I didn't want to die, not yet. 

I didn't want to die. I didn't want to die, I didn't want to die, I didn't want to--

 

* * *

 

I woke up slicked with sweat while nurses stood over me, eyes wide and worried.

"Back the hell up. I'm awake and I'm fine."

I wasn't fine. Everything had descended to hell and I'd only noticed when it was too late to do a damn thing about it. Eren had been enough to keep me going and I felt physical discomfort when I replayed the dream in my head. The pain in his voice. Shit.

He needed to be happy and _I couldn't give that to him even if I tried._ No, I was already too far gone. Stuck in my ways for too long. 

The one time that I'd managed to put someone else's well-being in front of my own just happened to coincide with the one time that I'd wanted something that I couldn't have. I'd have to hurt him in order to make him happy; I'd have to hurt him and make him forget about me and have a normal life out of the ward. If I really fucking loved him, and I did, I _really did,_ I'd have to make him hate me. He needed to forget about me and fulfill the life that he'd probably wanted to live before any of this happened.

It nauseated me to realize that he'd forget about all this. The fact that he'd been the only person to show me genuine concern and love wouldn't always matter to him. It wouldn't matter that he'd shown me a new drug and I'd gotten painfully addicted.

There had always been something in the back of my mind that kept me going, the smallest sliver of hope that something or someone would turn everything around. Eren's love had made that hope swell into what I'd mistaken as a promise. A false promise. There wasn't anything else left to do that could "save" me or compensate for what I'd been through. Affection wasn't worth this much fucking pain and loss. I'd already dealt with enough of that and I'd be _damned_ if I ever let this happen again. He'd be my only. I wouldn't chance it again and I didn't _want_ to chance it again. After all of the bullshit I'd been through, I was allowed to be selfish. If it wasn't him, then it wouldn't be anybody. 

Once he left, I'd be able to make sure of that. Once he left, no one would interfere. It wasn't as though I'd be leaving the ward any time soon. Even if I did, I had no purpose and nowhere to go.

It wasn't important. I wasn't _really_ alive anyway, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: rivaille-fetish.tumblr.com
> 
> My beta reader/friend/senpai is literally the best person on the face of the planet and she helped me with this so much, I'm ridiculously thankful for her help. ;~; Go read her stuff, guys. Her writing is absolutely incredible and I'm a huge fan; her account name on AO3 is Undine (sealink) http://archiveofourown.org/users/sealink/pseuds/Undine and her ereri is so in character, it's amazing.  
> her tumblr is tourmalineundine.tumblr.com
> 
> I track #what it means to feel, #fic:what it means to feel, #wimtf, and #Opulence.


	19. Risks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew. Alright.
> 
> Got some interesting stuff going on here, but I'll let you read for yourselves. <3 Hope you enjoy.  
> Catch you on the flipside~

"You… Are you really sure, Eren?"

Was I really sure? No. No, I wasn't. I wasn't sure of anything anymore.

"Yeah, I am. I really don't think that it's a good idea for me to talk to him. Not after last night, and especially not with…" I inclined my head slightly in Levi's direction and Armin studied him with a frown before I continued, "so, as I said, let's eat. I wanna get breakfast over with as quickly as I can because I _really_ won't miss the food here."

Watching Levi from the corner of my eye, all I wanted to do was touch him again. Not even sexually. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair, feel the muscles in his neck, follow the sharp curve of his collarbone, trace the dips in his skin with my fingertips and rest my hands in the gentle slope of his waist. I wanted to pretend that the previous twelve hours hadn't occurred so that maybe I'd be sitting beside him right now, savoring his company and eating in a silence that signified that we were past the point of needing verbal cues to communicate. I wanted to spend what little time I had left in the ward with him because he'd been one of the most important factors in my recovery.

I owed him my life. That was what it really came down to. He'd single-handedly thwarted a suicide attempt and had saved me in the most literal sense. What he didn't realize was that he'd effectively prevented subsequent attempts by giving a damn when I didn't think that anyone else could or would. He'd understood my trigger before I'd had a chance to mention it at all and he'd had the intuition to come to the room at just the right time. Levi understood me in a way that I barely understood myself, and he'd trusted me more than I actually had a right to be trusted. No questions asked, he agreed to keep my attempt a secret. (Telling Irvin hadn't been as much of an issue as I'd originally thought, knowing what I knew now.) Even though he'd had every right to closely monitor everything I did from that point on, Levi gave me space. He'd come to the conclusion that he could take my word for what it was. Anyone else would've reported me and I would've been put into Levi's current situation: multiple-day 24 hour watch with no discharge in sight.

Is that what he needed right now? Space? I wasn't the kind of person who would usually back off; it wasn't in my nature. In fact, I was known for charging into situations head-first without thinking things through or considering consequences. But now… I really had to tread carefully. I had to consider what Levi wanted because it wasn't just about me anymore. _I_ would be okay, he'd made sure of that, but I couldn't definitively say the same for him. Even if he didn't give a damn about me, rubbing my discharge in his face couldn't be a good idea. I really had no reason to be around him at all anymore. We weren't roommates. He was on watch. Keeping my distance was something I was fully capable of doing and it was probably the best course of action… Right?

Armin rolled his eyes and nodded, letting a smirk replace his obvious displeasure. "I understand completely. I figured you probably won't miss Jean either then, hmm?" He quipped as we grabbed our trays and sat down, me diagonal from Jean and directly across from Marco.

"What was that about Jean?" Jean asked with a scowl, and Armin answered before I had a chance to.

"Eren's being discharged soon. Like, within the next week. I was just messing around with him a little bit."

"Oh, Jaeger's being discharged? What's your boy-" I shot him a deadly look and he paused, carefully considered the graveness in my eyes, then immediately switched the direction of his comment. "Ah… That's great. Seriously, that really is. I've been in here for a little while but I've never seen someone make a recovery like you have. I'm… impressed," he admitted, and I could've sworn that the effort he put into complimenting me could've killed him. His struggle was visible in his expression; he was caught between a forced smile and a scowl and it looked like he may have actually been in pain (it wouldn't have surprised me if Marco had been at fault). My heart dropped when it crossed my mind that Levi would've commented something about constipation or titanic shits that would've earned him wide-eyed looks of disbelief and disgust. 

He kept invading my thoughts and every single time resulted in a wave of anxious nausea.

"Thanks. I'm pretty happy. I think I'll miss it here though, you know? Even you, Jean," to which he raised an eyebrow and pressed his lips into a tight line that I ignored, "and it'll be really strange being back out in the real world again. I kinda wonder if I'm really even ready for it or if I'll buckle under the pressure when the time finally comes."

"Eren, do you trust the people here?" Marco's question came out of nowhere and caught me off guard.

"What? Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I?"

"Then you shouldn't worry about whether you're ready or not. The doctors clearly saw something in you that reassured them enough to let you out an entire week early, that's pretty major. They wouldn't have done it unless they were absolutely positive. I agree with Jean. You've come a long way in such a short period of time. Most people have some serious breakdowns during their stay but aside from your _perfectly normal_ reaction to what happened a couple of days ago, you've done so well. I don't think I've seen you as anything more than angry, actually. You were upset and broken for the first day you were here, which is to be expected, but every day you just kept recovering. It's amazing."

I forced a smile but my chest ached with the knowledge that his words were only partially true. I'd had a serious breakdown. I'd had a few breakdowns, in fact. The only ones who knew about them were Levi and Armin. Fucking Levi. "I trust them, and you're right. With that said, I still can't help but feel nervous."

To my surprise, Jean reached across the table and laid a hand on my shoulder. His grip was a little bit too tight for it to be comforting, but I knew that he had tried. "I'd be pretty freaked out about it too. You'll be fine, seriously. Don't worry about it."

"Thank… you?" I replied, bewildered, and Jean just grunted as a reply. That had almost been touching while it'd lasted. "Alright, then. Sasha, would you like the rest of my pancake? I'm not really hungry."

My offer prompted a determined head-shake and she pushed her own tray away from her. "Nope! I'm perfectly full with my own food. Thanks, though," We all stared at her, wide-eyed, until she blinked and crossed her arms. "What are you guys looking at? Something on my face? Armin, could you get it?"

"I-I… No, Sasha, that's… Not…" Armin stammered, and I nudged him with my elbow to signal that I'd take over.

"We've just never seen you turn down food before. Are you feeling alright?"

She tilted her head for a moment, clearly confused but the situation and our reactions, but smiled. "I'm actually feeling great. Better than I have in a really long time."

"What's with the sudden change?" Marco asked, visibly intrigued.

She shrugged. "I got a chance to talk with my dad on the phone last night and it just settled a lot of my anxieties. He told me that Connie--my closest friend at home, if you didn't know-- was doing well even though he was worried about me. It just took a lot of stress off of my shoulders and I'm just… not hungry anymore. I ate enough to fill me."

Armin squeezed her into a hug and I followed almost immediately, holding them tightly enough that Armin gasped for air. "That's awesome! Huge step in the right direction. You know, maybe you'll be the next one out, hm?" I suggested, and her cheeks flushed.

"Maybe, but I'm not the only one who's doing better," she deflected the praise toward Armin with her trademark grin. "You are too, you know," He blushed and she turned to Marco and Jean, "and you both… Marco, I don't think I've ever met anyone as kind and wonderful as you. Jean, you haven't had any problems since before Eren came. You remember what Hanji said yesterday, right? I agree with her completely. We're all doing better in our own ways."

Another round of wide-eyed stares.

"…What'd I do this time? I wasn't even eating!"

"Nothing bad. You're right, we're all doing better. We just didn't expect that, don't worry," Marco assured her and they shared a smile. "Come on, let's get going. Don't want to be late."

When I turned around to get up, Levi was already gone. He must've left for group early, since he had no reason to stick around in here any longer than he had to. I doubted that he was particularly interested in listening to a table of "brats" banter back and forth, and the nurses he was with didn't seem like company he was fond of, either. An unintentionally heavy sigh fell from my lips but Armin interrupted it by linking our elbows then thrusting a sharp hipbone into my thigh. My glare was met with a smile that demanded a smile in return and he pulled me toward the group room without a word.

I sat in the seat that I'd subconsciously claimed and once again Levi made eye contact just long enough that I knew that he'd seen me, but didn't say a word. Acknowledging my presence with his eyes alone and choosing not to engage me otherwise. My chest tightened uncomfortably and I was incredibly tempted to scoot my chair toward Armin to escape Levi's absolutely toxic aura (which I'm sure I imagined, but it was there nonetheless) but Hanji entered the room and began before I had the chance.

"Good morning! You all look surprisingly upbeat today," her tone was, for the most part, genuine; but I sensed a hint of sarcasm when I noticed her focusing on Levi just long enough for her smile to falter. Her eyes darted from him to my face and I tried to meet her gaze evenly but found myself unwittingly eyeballing the floor. When she focused on the rest of the group again, she continued cheerily, "Did I miss something this morning?"

Sasha shifted in her chair and blushed, which caught Hanji's attention, but she deflected it quickly without bothering to suppress her smile. "No, not really. We all just had a good breakfast and talked a lot."

Hanji paused and exchanged a glance with her that turned into an understanding nod and grin. "I'm glad to hear that! Now, for today's topic… This wasn't what I originally had planned, but I think that this may be more relevant and helpful to some of you at this point in time. This is something that I'm sure all of you can relate to because it's especially difficult for people with anxiety to handle. 

"Life presents us with opportunities every day. Save blinking and breathing, just about everything we do is a choice. Most of those choices occur subconsciously; for instance, most of you didn't actively think about whether or not you would attend group today. Of course, it's mandatory, but you chose to comply. Those choices aren't usually the choices that give us problems. Instead, the opportunities that we're given that require us to carefully consider outcomes and take risks are often what we struggle with. We can't see into the future, so we decide based upon personal experience and educated guesses. It's like taking an already-blind dive into the unknown and it's normal for us to be weary of doing so. It's easy to back away and just wait for things to play out so that we don't have to deal with the knowledge that we're responsible for the consequences of our actions. With that said, it's _very_ important for me to stress that you shouldn't ever hold yourself back if the consequence that you're most worried about is failure. You guys understand what I mean, right?"

Armin bit his lip and spoke up beside me. "That's actually something I do a lot… The whole 'holding myself back' thing. Like… Back in school, I was in choir. I _loved_ that we had the chance to sing in different languages and about different cultures. To be honest, I just liked singing, too. At one point, the director held auditions for a solo part in a song that I absolutely adored, and I desperately wanted to try out. I came really close, too. I really did. I was actually the next in line to audition, but just before it was my turn, my mind just started going. I saw myself getting up there and freezing up, starting to sing and my voice cracking or sounding terrible, being booed away… Some of it wasn't even possible, but it still _terrified_ me. It was enough to make me ditch the auditions. My self confidence was completely gone but I almost immediately regretted not going through with it anyway. Even now, there's that little voice in the back of my mind that wonders what could've happened. What if I would've gotten the part? What if people loved it, and I could've shown everyone that I was really worth something?" His eyes glazed over and he trained his sight on the floor in front of his feet, obviously deep in thought.

"That's exactly the kind of thing that I was talking about. You even managed to touch on my next point, too! When we consider failure as a possible outcome, we worry about it until it becomes an insurmountable obstacle. It grows in our minds, overtakes all other possible conclusions, and we act based solely upon the fear it creates. Armin, would you say that backing out ended up being worth it?" Armin shook his head, and Hanji offered him a sympathetic nod. "That's usually the case. In all honesty, scenarios that we play out in our minds are so much worse than what would actually happen."

"Sometimes they actually end up a lot better than we could've expected," Jean breathed and Marco looked away, flushed. He continued to ramble while I watched the way that Marco returned to bashfully admiring him. It still absolutely baffled me how a guy as sweet as Marco could've fallen for Jean, and I caught Hanji staring at me while I stared at the two.

The look that she gave me spoke volumes, but they were all written in a language I barely understood. Insistence and sage understanding radiated from her eyes, but only when she let her concentration wander from me to Levi and them back to me again did it click that she was trying to communicate something about him. A silent dialogue had been initiated and I had no clue where it would go. I brought my brows together in a melodramatic display of confusion and shrugged my shoulders just enough that she would pick up on it. Was she asking if I knew what was up with him? I really didn't, not in the least, and I'd hoped that my response had conveyed that.

She barely had to process my reply before she presented me with an expression that I'd seen Mikasa give me many times before. It was the classic _Are You Fucking Serious, Eren?_ look, even down to crossed arms and tapping fingers. 

I _was_ fucking serious.

Hanji sighed audibly and continued group, acknowledging Jean's remarks by agreeing and making a point to emphasize just how correct he was. Spacing out halfway through group had become a ritual for me and today was no different. It genuinely bothered me that I didn't know what she'd wanted in regards to Levi. There was no way that she would've known that there was anything wrong since we'd only had problems last night. Or was it obvious on our faces? Levi still looked characteristically stoic and I didn't think that I was being too terribly obvious. Hanji was observant and intuitive, but there was no way that she knew that Levi and I weren't talking. We barely spoke before or during group anyway, nothing was different. She was just being strange, I concluded. It wasn't a new thing for her. She was bizarre on a daily basis. The slightest mention of Levi always caught me by surprise; it was perfectly possible that I'd overreacted and falsely assumed. My own fault. I always assumed.

I _always assumed_. It was his voice that spat those words and they repeated in my head until I forced myself to think about something else. Every single fucking thing reminded me of him and the fact that I was seated directly next to him didn't make it any easier. My resolve to leave him alone was fading dangerously fast and I was left feeling more conflicted than ever. Nothing had changed from earlier, the reasons I'd given myself to stay away from him were still entirely valid. He wanted nothing to do with me. I was being discharged and waving that in front of his face was on the top of my list of bad ideas. 

No matter how much I rationalized, however, the impulsive part of myself that I'd locked away for Levi's sake was absolutely determined to make an appearance. I'd _never_ been the one to carefully think over my actions as long as I had a goal in mind. Furthermore, backing off and giving up weren't terms that I'd been exposed to until this whole depression and psych ward thing. Depression had pushed me to give up, but Levi… Levi had pushed me to back off. Had I given up on him, too? My stay here had given me ways to cope with my depression to ensure that I would never give up so entirely again and in that respect, I felt fantastic. The condition of my mental health was something that I was comfortable with. All I had left to worry about was the fact that I'd managed to fall in love with someone that had been a crucial part of my experience here, someone who had made me feel something other than numb and currently didn't give a single shit about me. 

So, in this situation, Levi was my goal. I wasn't sure what exactly I wanted from him… No, I take that back. I wanted everything. I wanted his heart, his soul, and his body; I wanted to break down the walls that he'd put between us again and I wanted to know what the hell was wrong with him or, more accurately, with me. I wanted to know why he'd gone from confessing to me in his mother tongue to having no desire to talk to me at all. Why he opened up to me if he never planned to stick around to tell me more. Why he fucked me and then treated me like a stranger within a 12 hour period. _Why he made me fall for him if he was just going to be a distant, heartless prick._

A familiar heat erupted from my chest into my veins and circulated through my body while my mind fell under a haze. On top of being hurt and confused, I was officially angry. Livid, actually. He'd manipulated my emotions. Who the _fuck_ did that in a psych ward? To someone that attempted suicide and then turned around to save their life? I'd be damned if I was going to let this go. Just like Hanji had said, I'd be taking a risk. Failure wasn't even an issue: we'd already hit rock bottom. There was nowhere to go but up and the worst that could happen was that things remained exactly as they'd been this morning. I was willing to chance it. I was going to talk to him again as soon as I could, which came surprisingly quickly: group ended in conjunction with my epiphany and Levi was the first one out of his chair to leave. I followed him almost immediately, and as I passed Hanji, we made eye contact again. This time, she looked pensive (which only confused me more). I wasn't given much time to consider it, though; for someone his size, Levi's strides were surprisingly long and he walked quickly. Keeping up was hard enough even when I _was_ paying attention to him, so I couldn't trouble myself with wondering about whether or not Hanji was worried about her experiments or something more serious relating to me. 

I needed to time this perfectly. It looked like Levi had managed to get the nurses to wait at the entrance of the hallway for him (I didn't know how, but then again, I never understood anything about how Levi functioned) so I only had a few moments that I'd be able to have him alone. A frantic search of my surroundings brought my attention to a room that we'd been in once or twice for recreational therapy, and the door was slightly ajar and looked unused.

Perfect.

My hand locked onto his bicep, tugged him hard into the room with me, and pressed the door shut behind us so quickly that I barely had time to process my own actions. If Levi had been startled or stunned by my actions at any point, he'd gotten over it quickly because he looked as disinterested as ever.

"The hell are you doing, Jaeger? What, you want to see me get shit from the nurses for being late? Is this payback for not letting you stick around last night? How petty."

Those words stung enough that I hesitated and reconsidered my actions. Nothing had changed. He still didn't care and it still fucking hurt, but that hurt was the reason why I'd pulled him away in the first place and I was already too deep to stop now. I had no idea what I was doing or what I wanted to say, but there was no going back. "Fuck you, Levi. Just… _Fuck you._ "

He raised an eyebrow. "Anyone ever teach you to respect your elders? Obviously not. Get out of my face, I don't have time for this," he muttered and tried to shove me aside.The force he put into it made me stumble, but I stood my ground. "I mean it, Eren. I don't have time for your bullshit, acting like you're entitled to something."

"You can't just act like I'm important then treat me like we're strangers. I am entitled to someth-"

"You aren't entitled to _shit_ , you fucking brat. You're not that important, and it's not my damn fault that you misinterpreted. How dare you stand in front of me and have the balls to assume that you're some irreplaceable part of my life or life at all? You're my roommate- no, no. You're not even my roommate anymore. You're just another fucked up child that thinks that the world owes them something. News flash, you little shit: the world owes you nothing. It owes me nothing, it owes _nobody anything._ You better learn that quickly, because the rest of your life will be really goddamn hard if you don't."

I'd made him angry, at least. It was a change from the callousness he'd adopted. My chest was aching, though, and I wasn't sure how much more of this I'd be able to sit through without breaking down or getting defensively irritated. "I'm not saying the world owes me anything. I know that and I never said it did. I'm saying that _you_ owe me something. Levi, honestly, I understand that you've been in here for a pretty long time and you're out of touch with the real world, but sex usually means something. Especially paired with love confessions," I jabbed, but the venom in his voice and combativeness in his body language was gone when he replied.

"Do you know when the last time I had sex was, Eren? Before you?"

I shook my head while apprehensiveness boiled in my stomach. Something told me that I wouldn't like where he was taking this.

"Before I got in here. I'd been dry for a _long_ time, and there's only so much you can do alone," he stepped toward me until I fell back against the door. He moved his mouth so close to my ear that I felt the vibrations from every syllable that left his lips, "You were an easy lay. Virgin. Emotionally vulnerable. Perfectly unsure of your sexuality, too: don't think I didn't notice the way that you looked at my body when you first came in."

"But-"

"You forget that I used to live on the streets. I'm no stranger to manipulating people to get what I want. And oh, you were _so easy._ Worming my way through your defenses while you were vulnerable, making you feel special by telling you things about myself, whispering sweet nothings in French," he scoffed and rolled his eyes, "It's pitiful, to be honest. I've met prostitutes that were harder to get in bed than you, even after I paid them. You should really work on that, because that'll get you into some less than ideal situations. Now, remove yourself from the doorway. They're probably looking for me."

Anger, pain, confusion, embarrassment, and betrayal all combined to form a solid mass that pressed uncomfortably into my chest and made my head swim. He reached to try to move me away again, but I shoved his arm aside and forced myself to meet his eyes, desperately willing away the tears that were threatening to render my vision useless. "You're lying. You meant it, I wasn't just-"

"Yeah? How many times have you been confessed to? How much do you know about love to be able to tell me what I did and didn't mean?" My eyes fell and he exhaled a chuckle. "That's what I thought."

"Oh, because you're _really_ in a position to talk to me about love, right?" It was a low blow and I knew it; it had caught him off-guard and I watched pained surprise turn to anger while he hurried to regain his composure. "I didn't ask for any of this. What the hell did I do to you that made you think that this is okay? I didn't _want_ to like you, you're an asshole."

"You think that I asked for anything that happened in my life? Doesn't work that way. Get the fuck over it. I'm telling you right now that your feelings are unrequited. You better come to terms with that now so that you can go back to living your lovely little life outside the ward with your sister and your friends. Forget about me."

This time I grabbed his wrist when he reached for the door and ignored the glare that he sent boring holes through my head. "You're dead wrong if you think I'm going to be able to just forget about the fact that you woke me up from my nightmares, saved my life, gave me my first kiss, told me about yourself--even if everything you said was a lie, they were damn good lies and they made me feel closer to you-- and let me in when you'd let nobody else in, and took my virginity even if I was just a one night stand or whatever-"

Levi massaged the bridge of his nose and forced his eyes shut, then raised a hand to stop me. "Eren, I'm not in the mood to hear you babbl-"

"Don't care. I really don't care. Everyone thinks that you're a heartless douchebag and I wonder if that's the case too sometimes, but that hasn't stopped me from caring about you enough to want to spend the time that I have left here with you. Is that too much to ask? You took up the vast majority of my time here and you're part of the reason why I recovered so quickly. You gave me a reason to power through all of the shit going on in my head, my goal for a good chunk of time was to get better so I never had to see you look at hurt as you did when you walked in on me killing myself. You made me feel something other than numb. I felt human. I didn't feel like a fucking monster anymore. Did I tell you that I didn't cry when my parents died? I felt nothing but self-loathing. When I walked in on you, I lost it to the point that my throat hurt the next day from screaming, Levi. Forgetting that isn't even-"

"Eren, I'm seri-"

"No. I'm not done. Forgetting that isn't even an option. I love you whether I want to or not. I love you whether you want me to or not. I love everything about you and it would be so much easier if I didn't but…  I can't. I love the way that your hair falls and how your undercut feels underneath my fingers. I love your eyes when they reflect the colors of things around us and the grey mixes with oranges and reds and yellows and they look like a fucking cloudy sunset. I love your fingers and how long and bony they are, how they fit between my fingers, and how deceptively strong they are. How deceptively strong your entire body is, really. Your mouth makes my skin burn and my lips tingle, even without tobacco. The way that your lips curl around your cigarettes should be illegal, seriously. I've heard French being spoken before, but it's always sweeter when it rolls off of your tongue-"

"Eren-"

"You rarely fell asleep when we shared a room, but your breathing always slowed anyway. It was rhythmic and helped me sleep. The morning after we had sex, you actually fell asleep in my arms, and your breathing was the same. It was so calm and peaceful, you know? You slept really well that night. I've never seen you look so at ease. Even if it isn't really mine, I can't even begin to tell you how happy your heartbeat made me. Even ask Armin, it was my favorite sound and I swear when I walked into your hospital room I'd never loved the sound of those stupid machines so much. Levi, your heartbeat and your scars…" I brushed my thumb over the bandages closest to his wrist and bit my lip, "I know you hate them. You have every right to. I stand by what I said, though; they're reminders that you've survived through everything that could've driven you over the edge. I never thought much of it until now but that cliche little saying 'that which does not kill us makes us stronger' is more accurate than a lot of us realize. I love every single inch of you, even your scars. They don't mar who you are as a person. They aren't even a flaw. You've got your share of flaws, you know that and I know that. I love every single one of them, too. But… Nothing regarding your past is a flaw. That couldn't be helped and for anyone to downplay your experiences like that would be an insult to everything you've been through."

" _Eren_ -"

"It's clear to me now that I don't know you as well as I thought I had, but I've still seen you happy, laughing with Irvin over things. You're not heartless like most people think. It's natural that I wanted to spend my last days here with you. None of this is going to change when I leave the ward. It may be easy for you to forget that this happened, but I-"

"You think that this all is _easy_ for me?"

His demeanor had shifted so quickly that it almost left me reeling. The muscles in his neck had tightened and his fists had clenched, but he didn't exactly look angry. There were so many emotions visibly merged in his features that I couldn't just pick out one as a representation, but the overall mixture just made him look… Tired. Absolutely exhausted. I couldn't hide the confusion that had replaced my anger. "Why wouldn't it be…?"

For a split second he seemed incapable of carefully controlling his reactions and his mouth fell open in disbelief. "You're more stupid than I'd originally thought. That's really fucking saying something, Jaeger," he hissed and snatched his wrist away from my hand to reach for the doorknob. The last of my patience completely disappeared and I grabbed his shoulder to flip him around to pin his back against the door. He combined the action with a dangerous stare and I put my hands on the wall to the sides of his shoulders. "Don't you _dare_ lay your hands on me, you piece of shit. What makes you thi-"

"Would you quit being so cryptic and tell me what the fuck is going on in your head? Do you understand that I don't read minds? Would it kill you to quit giving me mixed signals? Keep this up and it'll be easy for you but there's no fucking way that I'll ever move on."

"There you go with this 'easy' shit again. What about this is supposed to be easy for me? Everything you just told me… You think that _I_ asked for you to come in here and destroy the illusion of normality I'd constructed? Do you think that _I_ wanted to involve myself in a relationship that would give me false hope that I'd be happy? Falling in love like this isn't something that can be recovered from, Eren. I officially know what it feels like to give a damn about someone other than myself. I've never had to before; relying on other people was a surefire way to crash and burn. I guess it still is, huh? Sure, I can trust the doctors and nurses here to keep me alive and medicated to an acceptable level of sanity, but at what point does their usefulness cap off? They can only do so much to 'fix' me. Something will always slip through. You slipped through, you slipped through everything. You breached the only cracks in my walls that I'd never mended and you gave me a taste of the forbidden fucking fruit.

"I let my guard down because a lapse in judgement told me that I could take that risk. I saw myself in you when you first came to the ward. You had the look of someone who had lost everything. The nightmares that you had were too much like the ones that used to haunt me. I let my guard fall slightly and that was enough for you. How dare you care, you fucking ass? It's all being taken from me. I just spent so much time trying to make sure that you could get out of here with no strings attached and you're sitting here fighting me over it. You can't gain anything from being involved with an unstable man eight years older than you. I live in a goddamn psych ward. It's a waste of your time. Waste of my time, too. You still have a hell of a lot of living to do. Me? Not so much," he bristled and jerked away. "Good enough for you? Move-"

"Do you even know what living is, Levi?" I asked in a whisper, the only thing I could manage while I mulled over his confession. He didn't say anything in response to my question and instead avoided making eye contact while he changed the subject.

"Are your mixed signals gone now? Get on with your life and leave me out of it. That starts with you _getting the fuck out of my face_ so I can get back to doing what I need to do."

"No."

"What on earth makes you think that you have the authority to-"

"Regardless of whether or not we stay in touch, I'll be tied to this ward. This entire experience is part of me now, even if I don't want it to be. Strings are attached."

"I'm not going to be another st-" I pressed my lips to his, effectively cutting him off mid-sentence. Eyes wide, he half-heartedly pushed me away, but when I only moved closer and slid my hand up his neck, he returned the kiss ardently. Angrily. Greedily. Hungry lips claimed, then gave way to heated grazes of his tongue across my own. His fingertips brushed underneath my shirt and up my sides, then he dug his fingernails into my back hard enough that I pulled away to wince.

"Fuck you, Eren. Fuck you for making me want you when I can't have you," he growled carnally and lunged for my neck, an action that awarded him with a sharp inhale.

"We can't… Here? They're looking for-ah!- you, they'll come in!"

"Your own goddamn fault. Either way, they didn't see us come in here and these doors lock when they shut. This won't be the first place that they check. You instigated this, so be prepared to take responsibility for your actions. Let me have this. We're already here and I'm not going to get another chance. I'll be damned if I waste this."

"But what if they-"

"Shut _up,_ Eren. You're such a brat; all you do is whine, talk back, and run your mouth," Levi snapped and moved to my collarbone. I pushed him back with my forearm and effectively prevented him from touching me. I breathlessly pressed our foreheads together when he stopped trying to move away.

"I'm not forgetting about you here. I'm staying in contact with you. I don't care what the ward policies are," I assured quietly. My fingers found their way into his hair then back down his neck; they traced the prominent muscles into his collarbone and continued over his shirt. They sunk gently into his deepest scars and dwelled momentarily following a particularly unpleasant thought about how much he'd gone through, then my hands settled comfortably on his waist. "I love you, Levi," I started as barely more than a whisper, then added with conviction, "Je t'aime. I love you. Okay? I'm not backing out of your life so quit trying to make me leave." The urgency in his demeanor faded and his muscles relaxed enough that I felt comfortable initiating another kiss.

Though I felt comfortable dominating, I still knew that I lacked experience and he picked up on my wavering confidence. He let me wrap my arms around his waist but there was no doubt in my mind that he'd been perfectly fine with taking control: one hand behind my neck to keep me close while his other arm went from being hooked around my shoulders to pulling my shirt up from underneath. His relief regarding the entire situation was evident in his technique: how he only tentatively reclaimed my mouth with his tongue when I allowed him entrance, the tenderness in his movements and a certain amount of hesitance in the way that his fingertips reacquainted themselves with my body. It felt like he was scared that if he went too fast it would end too soon, if he didn't go fast enough it would never be reality, if he touched too hard I would break and if he didn't touch hard enough I would disappear. 

Even when I let Levi pin me back against the wall because I felt bad that I'd grabbed him, he didn't do it forcefully, but he did position himself over me in a way that caged me in. "If that's the case, Eren," thin, warm fingers pressed flat against my chest over my heart and he moved his entire body closer to mine, "then I'm not letting you get away. I've already lost everyone and everything. Your departure would take away a part of me that I didn't want to give to you in the first place, you'd leave me with _less_ than nothing. I won't let that happen," he promised in a low voice, steely eyes rife with determination. "I know I'm fucked up. I know that everything around us is fucked up and the world is fucked up. I'm the poster-child for that shit. My experiences hadn't given me any reason to do anything other than wait for the lucky day that I'd overdose or cut a little bit too deep. I only ever _tried_ to survive when I came here and met Irvin. Even then, I really just went through the motions. Do you know what you are? You're hope. You came in here and gave every damn patient hope that they'd recover. You gave me a reason to do more than just try. You better believe that I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that you live the life that you deserve to live."

Hope? Prior to coming here, I was nothing short of hope _less._ Mr. Bossard would've argued that I had no future. I didn't particularly want a future. My motivation to do anything had been nonexistent. Nobody had faith in me, myself included. Except for Mikasa, Levi had been the first to act like I was worth anything. In his own way, he'd had faith in me. The efforts he made to converse with me would've been half-assed coming from anyone else, but other people didn't receive his attention at all. There wasn't a single part of him that had cared about anyone else enough to want talk to them, it had really just been me. Even when I'd given him a substantial reason not to have confidence in me, he'd stuck around under the influence of his own instincts. 

He'd wanted to believe in me, and he'd wanted me to be happy. All of his actions had reasons behind them. It didn't mean that he'd gone about things in the best manner, but he hadn't ever done anything with the sole intention of hurting or abandoning me.

"I'm an idiot," I mumbled, and he wasted no time in agreeing. 

"You're young, it's normal. Of course, you're still unnaturally impulsive and you suffer from a severe case of thought diarrhea that generally turns into verbal diarrhea, which are just indicative of your character and personality. Your age doesn't take you off the hook completely and you're a pain. I may be willing to settle, though."

"Not too young to _really_ want to be inside you right now," I added sheepishly and he cocked an eyebrow.

"Nice try. I don't bottom anymore. You, however…" He interrupted himself by raising a thumb to part my lips. He kissed me and sucked on my bottom lip, then nibbled up my jawline to my neck beneath my ear. "I'd be more than happy to fuck you."

"I'm leaving soon. You can't do it once for-"

"No," he interjected and palmed me through my sweatpants before I could say anything else. I let out a moan, already half-hard, and the smug half-smile he gave me made my cheeks burn with embarrassment. "You don't seem to mind too much, though. Maybe I'll show you something new today." The suggestion went directly to my dick and he snickered. "Feels like you're in agreement."

Provoked, I shamelessly hooked my fingers beneath the waistband of his pants and lowered them past the curve of his ass. I used it to pull his hips against mine and I grinded hard against him. Levi bit his lip against a surprised, needy groan and I felt him harden against me. "Yeah, feels like you are, too."

My sudden surge of power spurred something in him and I watched it in his eyes. I wasn't an easy fuck. He would see me as a challenge, I'd make sure of it; he was mine as much as I was his. I wouldn't submit to him just because I felt like it was compulsory. It wasn't a conscious action when we wrestled each other to the ground, ending with me on top of him solely because of my size. He was far stronger than me, I knew that, but I'd managed to pin him underneath my knee and captured his lips to pacify him just long enough that I could hitch down his pants. Shirts followed sometime after that between heated bites, touches, and a few exchanges of dominance. 

"Jesus. Do you even know how much I want to fuck you into the floor when you're like this? Shit," Levi growled hotly and straddled my lower stomach to pull off my boxers. The heel of his hand brushed down my shaft and lingered over my balls, which pried a choked moan and shuddering breath from my throat. He worked my erection in his hand and grinded his ass back into my hips at the same time, making a lewd show of his own hardness rubbing my stomach with every roll. Teasing. I dug my fingers into his hips, hard, but I was shaking too much to flip him. My eyelids fluttered shut and I held my breath against the rising tension in my mus-

"Levi, are you in here?" Followed by three hard thumps on the door that made my blood freeze in my veins.

"Shit." Levi bowed his head, groaned, and rolled forward one last time so that he could lean over my body and kiss me. "I'll leave now. Get out later. They shouldn't notice that you're gone for a few more minutes. I'll tell them that I just needed time alone or something. Put your clothes on and… Take care of that yourself."

"Levi," I whined at the loss of friction when he stood to gather his clothing, "You can't… You can't just blue ball me, that's not fair."

"Consider it as a promise that I owe you," he replied under his breath, and I sat up with a grumble.

"I won't want it later-"

" _This isn't easy for me either_ , I'm not saying it again. You think I don't have a raging fucking boner? Get over it." He pulled on his shirt and grabbed the doorknob, then half-waved back at me. The knob turned in his hand but he reconsidered and turned around to look at me, thoughtfully, one more time. "I love you too, _brat_." On that note, he opened the door and immediately engaged the nurses with limited patience, snapping about "goddamn tired of having no space" and "inept people incapable of doing thing jobs" and "stop touching me, your hands are fucking filthy". 

I gathered my own clothes and sighed at the fact that I didn't have enough time to take care of myself. I would be painfully hard for a while because nothing was ever easy when it came to Levi. We'd established a lot, and I didn't regret doing it at all, but I should've known that I'd be subjected to something like this. Another example of my impulsiveness, poor planning, and general inability to think. When I limped out of the door, shirt pulled down over the tent I'd pitched in my pants, a significant part of my mind wondered if I'd _really_ understood the possible consequences of my actions. 

When Jean glanced over, covered his mouth with his hands, and still snorted through his fingers, I _knew_ that I hadn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CAN YOU FEEL THE SEXUAL TENSION COMING UP?  
> I CAN.  
> By the way, you guys will be getting side pairing fiction based around the ward. Do I know when I'll manage to write it? No. But it's coming.  
> We already have a lovely Jeanmarco being written by the person I'm linking you to in a second and I may not even need to write my own since she's portraying their issues so beautifully.  
> We still have Armin to worry about, though. ;D  
> (Sasha, too. What am I planning? THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW.)
> 
> Questions/comments/wanna talk to me? Leave them here or:  
> tumblr: rivaille-fetish.tumblr.com  
> tracking: #fic: what it means to feel, #what it means to feel, #wimtf, and #opulence
> 
> As always, my beta reader and editor tourmalineundine.tumblr.com is literally all sorts of perfect. <333  
> http://archiveofourown.org/users/sealink/pseuds/Undine
> 
> You guys make me so happy, seriously. The fan art and the beautiful messages and everything you do makes me so incredibly glad that I'm writing this. I'm infinitely lucky that you all read and enjoy this because wow, I've met some incredible people. Love you so much. Your questions about anything at all are always welcome.


	20. Exposed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW THIS SHOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN 2 WEEKS.  
> Between freaking out about SATs and just being a slow smut-writer, it was bound to happen. I'm really sorry for the wait. Like, super sorry.  
> What it Means to Feel is slowly coming to a close! I don't want it to end, I feel like half of my procrastinating is just because I want to extend it. Oh man. It's my baby and I don't want it to grow up and go to college and get a job and have a family and leave me all aloooooone.
> 
> With that said, the actual WIMTF universe will live on; I have (serious) plans for a Winmin (ArminxErwin, don't knock it 'til you try it! It'll obviously have some Ereri in it as well. teaser for it here: http://rivaille-fetish.tumblr.com/post/62293524226/what-it-means-to-feel-deliverance) side-fiction which will be multi-chaptered, and a small Sasha/Connie aside. :3 
> 
> If you want a nice little playlist to go along with like half of this chapter:  
> https://8tracks.com/zombeige/animalistic  
> I made one instead of studying for the SATs kljfdjklhdkfh. I listened to these while I wrote and mmmmmmmmm highly recommended songs. Kinda NSFW but this chapter is basically porn. Sexy songs for sexy sex.
> 
> I hope the wait was worth it and I hope you guys enjoy. As always, your support and everything you do and say is so appreciated and I love you so much oh my god. I can't handle how amazing you are. <3 Catch you on the flip side~

Nine times out of ten, dicks were _awesome._

They were fun even when you completely disregarded sex. Pissing my initials into the snow, leaving the toilet seat up to irritate Mikasa, having something to fuck around with when I'm bored. When you re-introduce sex into the equation, it's a party. One of the few things I'd retained from taking Psychology during my Junior year was that Freud theorized that women developed "penis envy" during a certain stage in their life. There was a lot of stuff that went along with it that I didn't completely agree with, but it wasn't far-fetched to me that people could want penises. They were a blast.

With that said, there was still that one time out of ten that they were _awful_.

Avoiding eye contact with Jean while I walked to the couch to sit down with Armin was difficult but feasible. The moment my ass hit the seat, I tugged my shirt down and adjusted my legs so that the only thing that could've given it away was the discomfort in my eyes. "Whoa, Eren, what's wrong with you? Do you have a fever? Your face is red and you're sweating pretty badly," Armin asked and pressed a hand to my forehead, face twisted with concern. I pushed it away with an impatient and irritable groan.

"No, I'm fine. Great, actually. I think that I'm on speaking terms with Levi again."

Armin paused to ponder my words, visibly confused. His eyes fell to my legs and slowly worked their way up my body, then when they met my own again, he sighed. "Okay. I'm getting mixed signals from you and I'm not sure what I should think. You sound pissed, you look tense, but you claim that you're doing better with him. Explain."

Tense? When my hand shook as I lifted it in front of my face and my skin glistened with sweat, his statement clicked. I probably looked like shit. I _was_ pissed and I _was_ agitated, but that wasn't necessarily because we were doing better. No, Levi was just an ass. I took a deep breath and explained, "I pulled him into a vacant room because it was the only chance I had to say anything to him without other people monitoring us. We argued a lot, raised our voices as much as we could manage without being caught… We eventually talked it over, though, and I think that we're genuinely on the same page now. A lot of things were said that needed to be said."

"That's good, I'm incredibly glad. If that's the case, then judging by the way you look," he brushed a finger along my forehead and wiped the sweat on my shirt with a melodramatic grimace, "I assume that you both…?"

I buried my face in my hands and shifted on the seat in a fruitless attempt to relieve the uncomfortable tightness in my boxers. "No, and that's the problem. Don't get me wrong, we came close. We basically stripped each other and it _almost_ happened _,_ but the nurses found him first, so we needed to cut it short. I haven't had the chance to do anything about it. I'm in so much pain, Armin. Oh my God."

His small hand just _barely_ covered his grin and the light blush that had spread across his cheeks. He thought that this was absolutely hysterical. "I'm so sorry? I mean, there's nobody in our room right now. Do you want to take care of it before our next therapy activity?"

"Oh my god thank you it hurts so much you have no idea ho-"

"Eren," he interrupted me by raising a hand to my face. His cheeks had flushed bright red with embarrassment and he looked away when I tried to make eye contact. "I… I _really_ don't want to hear about it as much as you probably think. I'll take your word for it, okay? Go ahead, hurry up."

For what seemed like the hundredth time, I considered the fact that I didn't know what I'd done to deserve a friend like Armin. It was just like him to save my ass like this. I silently thanked whichever higher power had been on my side and started toward our room. As expected, I was reprimanded for running more than once, but each warning was ignored upon turning corners. I didn't have the patience for walking, especially since each step was nearly painful and needlessly prolonging it was torturous. I thought I'd witnessed a miracle when Armin's door entered my line of sight. I'd never shut a door so quickly, and sweatpants hadn't ever been as glorious as they were in the moment that I pulled them down to my ankles. 

I had plenty of material in my mind to keep me going, Levi had made sure of that. The way his eyes, glowing with carnal desire, had scanned my body and met my gaze. How each thin finger ghosted down my chest and fell between the curves and dips of muscle, featherlight all the way down to my waistband. His mouth, hot against my neck, and the angry, claiming kisses down my collarbone… My hand snaked down into my boxers and I breathed a sigh of relief when I wrapped my fingers around my cock-

"Hey, I think Jaeger came back to his room. He looked pretty sick, want to check on him? I mean, we're already here." The blood in my veins went cold and I felt the color drain from my face as Jean's voice assaulted my ears. _That son of a bitch._

I scrambled to pull my pants back up and regain my composure, pretty fucking sure that Jean wasn't checking on me because he was concerned about my health. The door handle clicked and the door swung open, revealing Marco in his chair and Jean smugly smirking behind him. "Are you serious, Jean? Really?" The bastard kept quiet and feigned innocence when Marco looked back at him, but he simpered the _moment_ he knew he was out of Marco's line of sight.

"Are you feeling alright, Eren? Jean was right, you don't look well. Want me to get a nurse?" Marco looked and sounded genuinely concerned. Already piqued, the urge to make a comment regarding the fact that he deserved better than Jean was almost overwhelming. I usually lost my tact when I was this agitated, but I gritted my teeth and held my tongue. Any sort of altercation, physical or otherwise, would reward me with 24 hour watch. That was the _last_ thing I needed.

"No, I'm fine. Just need some time to myself to get some rest or something," I assured and forced a smile to drive the point home. Why did I even bother trying? I couldn't have fooled anyone even if I wanted to. I'd always been an unconvincing liar, and the disbelief in Marco's eyes verified it. I could tell, however, that he picked up on the fact that I had my own reasons for lying by the way that he shrugged and looked back up at Jean after he'd studied me. Bless him.

"Are you sure? I think we should stay, you look pretty bad. Wouldn't want you to end up getting _really_ sick." The second he opened his mouth, I narrowed my eyes in an attempt to imitate Levi's death glare. Unfazed, he simply leaned against the doorframe with his arms folded over his chest, and it was clear to me at that point that he wouldn't be leaving any time soon. We locked eyes for what felt like an eternity before I caved and stood up to leave. 

"You know what? I'm think I'm fine. Going back to sit with Armin." Frustrated wasn't a strong enough word to describe how I felt. My entire lower stomach had knotted up with unsatisfied desire and I didn't know if I was more irritated with Jean for interrupting me or Levi for causing it in the first place. I made sure that my elbow connected solidly with Jean's ribcage while I stepped out of the room, and the grunt it elicited lifted my spirits until a twinge of pain between my legs reminded me that revenge wasn't nearly as sweet as having the privacy to rub one out. It was obviously too much to ask for, and I knew that Jean wouldn't give up anytime soon. He was as stubborn as I was.

I had to wait until lights out. Eleven hours.

Armin took one look at my face when I re-entered the recreation area and quickly turned around to face forward again. He mouthed " _just wait_ " after I collapsed onto the cushion beside him, and a devious smile that sent a wave of cold anxiety down my spine was the only acknowledgement he gave me when I raised my eyebrow. I knew that look. That was an expression that signaled that he was planning something. That notion worried me. A lot.

 

* * *

 

"You're still pretty on edge, aren't you?"

I rolled over on my bed to face the wall. I didn't feel like talking. The only thing that _anyone_ had done all day was talk. My patience with the entire fucking day had vanished the very first time that Jean had interrupted me in my room. From that point on, every other little disruption-- I got up to use the restroom and he followed me, I tried to get back to Armin's room and he cut me off by injecting me into his conversation with Marco, I found a vacant room and tried to sneak in but he kicked it shut and locked before I could open it, the list goes on, -- just managed to push me closer and closer to a complete meltdown. It was a fucking miracle that I'd made it to lights out without completely losing my shit. "On edge doesn't even begin to describe it. I really just want to sleep."

"Really? I actually think that you should stay up. I've got a going away gift for you."

Brows furrowed, I sat up and propped myself up against the wall to study his face. "I'm listening."

"I was talking to Erwin earlier and it just so happens that he has watch for Levi tonight. Guess who convinced him to let you see your boyfriend tonight?"

"Considering the fact that he provided the condoms and lube last time? I doubt it took much convincing."

Armin blushed deeply and hid his embarrassment with an exasperated sigh. "That's _completely_ beside the point. Erwin told me to tell you that you're welcome to go over whenever you'd like after lights-out. He left the door unlocked and all you need to do it slip in; Levi will be awake." 

A familiar ache settled in my stomach when I heard his name. _Just_ when I thought I'd managed to calm myself down. I didn't have a choice. If I wanted relief, I'd need to go out of my way to get it, in the form of Levi's company (not that I was complaining). I nodded, rose to my feet, and started toward the door, but faltered and looked back at him for confirmation. "Now's okay, right?"

"If you'd like, yes."

"Thank you so much, Armin. I'd give you a hug but that'd probably be uncomfortable for both of us," I breathed, impatience dripping from my words. Despite the effort I put into trying to be quiet, I physically couldn't turn the doorknob slowly enough to prevent it from squeaking. My mind was hazy with twelve hours worth of pent-up lust and annoyance and my hands were shaking with anticipation. Erwin was a saint. Erwin… I turned on my heel and regarded him with a puzzled look. "Wait, Armin, when did you start talking to Erw-"

"Eren, just go! You don't have all night and you're standing in the middle of the hallway!" He interrupted and blushed even more furiously than before. It took a moment for me to process it, but when it finally registered, my eyes widened.

"No… No fucking way. You-"

He lunged at the door and and pushed it closed so quickly that I barely had the time to remove myself from the doorway. "Go! Get out, go get Levi. I'll be here when you need to come back," he retorted in a shaky tone that caught me off-guard. He _always_ had control over himself. For him to lose his composure like this wasn't normal. On any other day, at any other time, I would've stayed to question him further and let him talk about whatever he was keeping from me. Lord knows he'd sat through enough of my relationship bullshit that the _least_ I could do was return the favor (I won't lie, I was also incredibly interested in this new development in his life), but thinking straight right now was asking too much. I had one goal: get to Levi's room.

The action of opening Levi's door was initiated by me but finished by someone else. Erwin pulled the door open the rest of the way and looked down at me and my still-extended hand. I found it nearly impossible to look at his face after the exchange that I'd just had with Armin. He… was with my best friend? Armin, innocent little Armin who had definitely been straight just days before… right? It dawned on me that I really didn't know nearly as much about Armin as I thought I had. He'd never said anything or gone out of his way to hint at it. Armin was with _Erwin?_ Didn't Erwin already have a love interest anyway? "I suppose this is my cue to leave you both alone," He looked back over his shoulder at who I assumed was Levi and added, "I hope that you'll both behave?"

"Depends on what you mean by behave, old man," Levi snarked and I watched Erwin roll his eyes.

"Keep it down, Levi. That's all I ask. You know I trust you, don't betray that trust."

The quality of Levi's voice was far more serious when he replied, "I wouldn't. I trust you just as much as you trust me, you know that. Thanks for this." Erwin remained silent for a few seconds longer then nodded once, satisfied with his answer, and switched positions with me. He closed the door behind him before I could say anything about his potential relationship status. 

I was greeted by the sight of Levi on the corner of his bed with a lit cigarette in his hand, propped against the junction of the two walls. The Erwin and Armin situation lost its weight quickly when I heard his voice. "Well, look who decided to show up? I was convinced that you would be too busy pou-"

My body didn't feel like my own when my legs carried me to the side of his bed closest to him then lifted me onto it, and the voracity of the kiss I stole caught us both off guard. Desire drove my actions. His eyes widened and he gasped against my lips; I'd managed to catch him off guard. His walls hadn't been up. He'd said this morning that I'd managed to breach his defenses before, and the urge to do the same now was overwhelming.

Levi raised a hand and knotted it in the collar of my shirt, flipped around on the bed, and pinned my back against the wall so hard that it forced the air out of my lungs. Face mere inches away from mine, he narrowed his eyes at me and opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, but took a long drag on his cigarette and pressed his lips to mine again instead. Shotgunning, Armin had called it. My first kiss--our first kiss-- had been shared like this, and that thought paired with the nicotine made my entire body tingle with warmth. He pulled back long enough for me to exhale and catch my breath, and just as he moved in to kiss me again, I shoved him backwards onto his bed and pinned his hips with my knees. The sight of him underneath me brought the day's occurrences back in a single wave and destroyed my mood. 

"Do you have any idea how much physical pain I've been in all day because of you?" I hissed down at him. He sighed in a way that conveyed exactly how little he cared and raised an eyebrow.

"Enlighten me."

"You're a fucking asshole sometimes, you know that?"

"I told you to take care of it yourself, that shit isn't my job." I couldn't comprehend how he managed to meet my gaze so evenly after being this fucking difficult. I didn't have the patience for any of this, especially not for his nonchalance. The day had been hell and a refusal to even acknowledge it on his part could easily push me over the edge.

"You think I didn't try? Shut the fuck up, Levi."

"You're really mad, aren't you?" He sounded amused, and the way that his lips curled up into a smirk confirmed it. "Show me, you fucking brat. Just how mad are you?" He reached underneath the bedframe and put out his cigarette, then used that hand to take a firm handful of my hair and pull me down against his body. He pressed his lips to mine hard and immediately tried to dominate the kiss, but my pride swelled with irritation and I tugged at his bottom lip and dipped my tongue into his mouth before he had a chance to beat me to it. 

He fought for control, even going as far as palming me through my pants to get me to gasp. He immediately took advantage of my shock, rolled me onto my back, and took control of the situation in one fluid movement. I'd be damned if he'd top again tonight, not after today. I pulled away from the kiss and propped myself up on my elbows to kiss down his neck and settle on his collarbone, leaving my mark before biting the tender skin hard. Levi inhaled sharply and I did it again, this time up his neck near his adam's apple. His hiss, hot on my ear, sent shivers up my spine and made my boxers painfully tight. I unintentionally shifted underneath him to adjust and immediately regretted it; he caught on and pressed knee down against my erection and grinded.

It gave me the friction I'd craved for so long and I saw stars. My back arched from the bed and he mumbled, "Too easy," so low under his breath that I barely heard it. Fire coursed through my veins and I hooked one leg between his and the other around his waist, flipped him, and pinned his hands over his head.

"Too easy my ass. Which reminds me..."

"…What?"

"You're dead wrong if you think that you're topping."

"You're pretty confident for a kid that doesn't have the foggiest idea what he's doing," Levi mused, eyes mocking and antagonistic. I kissed him hard and traced my tongue from his chin up his jawline, then settled on the edge of his jaw and bit down. His grunt sounded pained and I eased up, (falsely) assuming that I'd hurt him, which gave him just enough time to push his knee between my legs and incapacitate me. My legs shook so hard underneath me following his grinding that he sat up and pinned me to the wall with ease. I'd forgotten how strong he was, how misleading his thin frame could be. His hands around my wrists were like vice grips and he didn't budge in the slightest when I struggled. No, I couldn't move, and I further lost mobility when he pressed his body against mine, sandwiched me against the wall, and rolled his hips. "Your temper gets you into a lot of problematic situations, hmm? That's fine. We'll do it rough. I'll fuck you into the mattress, I'll have you wake up the entire ward with your moaning. You'll come until you can't come anymore and if you thought that you couldn't walk before… Well, you're in for a wake up call, kid," he purred into my ear, voice so low and smooth that it gave me goosebumps. It had to be illegal to sound that fucking hot, how _dare_ he sound that fucking hot? 

"Maybe you'd like it if I shoved you against the wall instead? If I kept you up with my thrusts and made sure that you clung to me and begged for me to fuck you harder? I can make it so that I'm the only thing your body remembers. You'll crave me when I'm not around and when you see me, you'll remember how it feels to be dominated. How it feels when I fill you up. I'll be the only thing you want because _nothing_ will make you feel as good as I do." I wanted him so badly. I wanted to melt into him. He shoved his hips against me and his dick pressed into my thigh through his sweatpants; I don't know how I didn't fucking lose it. My resolve was fading _fast_. In a last-ditch attempt to gain power, I pushed back against him and kissed him again, kissed at the corner of his lips, and then trailed kissed up his jaw. I stopped at his ear and sucked on his earlobe, then tugged delicately. For a split second, so quickly that I wasn't even entirely sure that I'd actually seen it, he jolted and flinched away from my mouth. 

"Ears, hmm?" I hummed against the soft skin between his ear and his hairline, and _that_ shiver was undeniable. Excellent. One weakness down. My hands dropped beneath his shirt and pulled it up slowly; every curve and dip and swell of his skin was mapped out carefully with my fingers until he grew visibly impatient and tore his hands away to take it off himself. While his hands were still free, he wrapped an arm around my neck and pulled me into a kiss so feverish and needy that I had to pull back to catch my breath. Levi pulled at my shirt but I caught him by the wrists and pressed them down into the bed until he stopped fighting me, at which point he glared. It was nearly enough for me to back off, but the corner of his mouth twitched and his facade fell to pieces. "You're losing your touch, Levi."

"Yeah? You do realize that I could flip your ass onto the floor right no-ah," I curled my tongue around the shell of his ear and reveled in the shudder it sent through his body. "Fuck you, Jaeger."

The animalistic, breathless rasp in his voice shattered my self control. My hands snaked around behind his back and he watched, mildly amused and interested, as I slid the waistbands of both his sweatpants and boxers over the surprisingly prominent slope of his ass. After messily folding them and tossing them for the sake of appeasing Levi, I focused my attention back on his beautifully bare body and realized that I was still fully clothed when my cock ached against the tightness that the fabric provided. Despite nearly tripping over myself in the process and earning a slightly condescending chuckle from Levi, I managed to kick aside my pants and provide myself with relief that I'd desperately needed. I still couldn't form developed thoughts, though. His bare body beneath me captured every bit of my attention and I shamelessly devoured him with my eyes, stopping at the strong curve of his cock against his stomach. 

I had no idea what I was doing and I seriously hoped that my enthusiasm would make up for my lack of experience when I slid down his body and looked up at him, face inches away from his shaft. He didn't believe that I would do it. It was plastered all over his face, from his raised eyebrow to the tight line his lips made when he was tired of dealing with my shit. With that in mind, it took every ounce of willpower I had no to laugh when I licked a line from his balls to his head and watched his his eyes widen and his mouth fall open with a breathless " _Fuck._ " Years of watching porn online had finally paid off. I figured that if I mimicked the hundreds of blowjobs I'd seen (including the one he'd given me) I'd be able to get somewhere, or at the very least I wouldn't seem completely clueless. 

Without breaking eye contact, I swirled my tongue around the head of his cock and took it into my mouth. I heard his breath hitch but he kept a straight face, so in an attempt to draw a reaction from him, I pulled him into my throat until my eyes watered from the effort it took to keep my gag reflex at bay. It worked: his back arched slightly off of the bed and he fisted a hand into my hair following a sharp inhale. Levi opened his mouth to say something, but I cut him off by kissing down his shaft and licking back up. His grip in my hair tightened and I took it as a sign to take him back into my mouth, hollowing my cheeks and tonguing his slit as I bobbed my head. I milked a moan out of him when I brought my hand up to his balls and he pushed me down harder, an action that would've choked me had I not pulled back right away after taking him to the base of his erection.

"Can't have you finishing yet," I mocked and wiped saliva from my lips and gag-induced tears from my eyes. Levi's cheeks were more flushed than I'd ever seen them and something in his eyes was also different. Looking down at him after I returned to my previous position, through the obvious lust that brought color to his cheeks, I saw vulnerability. Levi had (albeit unwillingly) given me control. The magnitude of that realization made my heart drop a little. He'd learned from a very young age that he couldn't depend on anyone but himself. Control over himself and everything that affected him personally was something that he'd probably learned to guard with his life. Giving other people control meant disassembling his walls and giving them the opportunity to betray him. After everything he'd been through, it was no wonder that he'd refused to bottom. The fact that he'd caved for _me_ was almost overwhelming.

"Would you quit staring into space and _do_ something? I'm not getting any younger," He snapped and tore me from my daze. Dominance meant doing something. Control meant that I had to call the shots.

"I… Well, like what?" I asked quietly and avoided the look of stunned disbelief that he shot me, probably convinced that I was an idiot.

"You're joking, right?" My eyes fell and Levi propped himself up on his elbows. "You know, I let you get this far because I was impressed. You took initiative and had the balls to fight me for it. Forgot that you were a useless shit, move so I can-"

Levi moved to get out from underneath me but I momentarily panicked and pressed him back down on the bed before he could slip away. What kind of thing would he want me to do? What would he like? Levi was a brash person by nature, but I'd only ever _really_ gotten through to him by baring my soul. Something told me that being rough and dirty talk wouldn't cut it… This would be a long shot, and there was a good chance that it'd piss him off, but it was worth trying. I lowered my mouth close to his ear and sucked on his ear for a moment before I spoke. 

"What's the hurry, Rivaille?" He shivered underneath my lips when he heard me say his name. "You realize that I'm not going anywhere, right? You're permanently mine. I'm yours. I'm all yours," I whispered and paused to raise my index and middle finger to his mouth. He graciously took them into his mouth and sucked them with a level of seductiveness that made my entire body ache for him in any way that I could have him. Heavy-lidded eyes didn't leave my own, even after he pulled his head away and I moved my fingers to his entrance. "I'll memorize every inch of your body with my fingers and hands. You're a fucking masterpiece and I'll treat you like it."

"Alright, Picasso. You _actually_ said that with a straight face," Levi deadpanned, but instead of countering with an equally smart-ass remark, I pressed my index finger into him. He bit his lip against a moan, wrapped his arms around my shoulders, and dug his fingers hard into my neck and shoulder. 

"Yep, definitely did." Recalling what he had done to me in the past, I pushed into him up to my knuckle and waited until he loosened around me before I slid in my middle finger. "You know, I say a lot of things that get me into pretty deep shit. I don't always think before I speak. Right now, though, I mean everything I say. Yeah, it's pretty sappy and yeah, you aren't a sappy kind of person," I paused to experimentally pull my fingers out and thrust them back in and he responded with a choked moan, "but I mean it."

"Eren-"

"We'll get out of here and I'll fuck you every night. No, maybe you'll fuck me every night? We'll switch it up. It doesn't matter," I said and then reconsidered, "No, not fucking. _Making love._ I'll have you calling my name so much that saying anything else doesn't feel right. You'll call my name and I'll always be there, I'll be right there."

"God, Eren, stop-"

"Yeah, exactly like that," I murmured and curled my fingers inside of him with the intention of hitting the spot that he'd hit in me. It took a few times and I nearly gave up, but finally his entire body jolted, he threw his head back, and his mouth opened without making a sound. Found it. "I'll know your body like the back of my hand. I won't have to search for this sweet spot. Do you have…?" 

Levi hissed an inhale and glared at me, cheeks flushed. "Of course I do, idiot," he muttered with a scowl and inclined his head toward his dresser. "First drawer, between my shirt and pants. If you don't get a fucking move on I'll change my mind."

I moved up the bed and opened his drawer with shaking hands and fumbled with the tube of lube and condom. Levi moved to get up behind me so I grabbed both and fell back over him to keep him pinned. Irritation had become apparent on his face, probably stemming from the fact that I couldn't for the life of me tear the condom out of the wrapper. The last thing I wanted was for him to get up. This was a chance to prove myself to him, establish myself as his equal, and give him the same pleasure that he'd been able to give me. Relationships were give and take, and I finally had a fair chance to give. I positioned myself between his legs and lifted them, kissed down his thigh, then leaned over him again with my mouth against his ear. 

"Rivaille, I was planning on being rough and making sure that you understood how hard it was for me to walk," At this point I could only hope that I sounded a hell of a lot more confident than I felt, "but I think that I'll take it slow. I'll make sure that I leave no part of your body untouched." I finally managed to open the condom and slipped it on, dripped lube onto my fingers, then pressed two fingers back into him to prepare him for a third. He rutted back against my fingers and fisted the sheets, eyes shut hard, and kicked me hard in the side when I stopped to let him adjust.

"Don't stop," he rasped and his words went straight to my cock. My patience had worn thin by the time I scissored my fingers apart to make sure he was prepared. The way that he pressed back against my knuckles gave me a surge of confidence that I used while I slicked my length with lube and pushed his thighs further up, then pushed against his entrance.

Still bent over him, I continued, "I'll fuck you nice and slow because I'm yours, Rivaille. All yours for as long as you want me. Even when you get sick of me, I'll still be yours. Just yours," I punctuated it by pushing into him and he brought his hands up behind my back, dug his fingers into me, and clawed down my skin. The sting made me wince, but with the knowledge that he was probably in significantly more pain than I was, I tried my best to ignore it and instead brought a hand down to stroke his cock. "I won't leave you. I'll cook things, we'll see movies, we'll go see concerts, we'll go to nice restaurants and we'll get a house." I punctuated each promise with a thrust and he studied my face through escaped grunts. "We'll grow old togethe-"

Levi cut me off by tangling his fingers in my hair and pulling my head down into a kiss. He tugged at my lip gently and when he pulled away he pushed my hair away from my eyes, studied them quietly for a few moments, and sighed. "Don't say things that you don't intend on carrying through with, Jaeger." His expression and the inflection of his voice remained as emotionless as usual (even through somewhat labored breathing, I was impressed), but reflected in the deep grey of his eyes, I saw… desperation? It was desperation and _pain_ , as though saying those words had physically hurt him. My chest ached when it occurred to me that he probably didn't believe me, and he really had no reason to. The last promise I'd made had been broken within 24 hours.

I pressed my forehead to his and looked into his eyes for a long time, thrusts slowed down enough that I could conserve my energy and focus on him. "I didn't. Have faith in me, yeah?"

My gut instinct when I saw a flare of anger in his narrowing eyes was to back off. Even when, for all intents and purposes, _I_ was the one in control, all it took was his glare to me make me feel powerless. "Faith in you? Having faith in _anyone_ is a surefire way for me to guarantee that I'll get fucked over. Don't tell me to have faith in you." Levi turned his head to look away from me and brought an arm up above his chest that prevented me from leaning down to him. "Faith is for the weak. I'm not going to sit here and convince myself that I'm going to live a flawless life beside you just because I _want_ one. That's not-"

"Faith isn't for the weak! It takes balls to believe in something that isn't set in stone, especially something like this." Levi was trying to retreat into himself again, I could see it. Even when he let his arm fall away from my chest, it settled over his face and obscured it from my view. He had been willing to expose himself to me even though he'd never been given a reason to rely on anyone. I had no desire to take advantage of his trust and vulnerability, but it was clear to me that it would be a struggle to make him really believe me. _I was just as vulnerable as he was_. I reached down and took his hand in mine, then pulled his arm away. He drew his knees up slightly but (thankfully) turned to look at me again. After we established eye contact, I pleaded, "I'm already so close to getting through to you, Rivaille. Don't group me together with everyone else. I absolutely refuse to let them take me away from you, so… depend on me. Let me in. Use me and be weak around me. Let me shoulder some of the shit you're dealing with. I'm yours for as long as you want me, they'd have to pry you out of my cold, dead ha-"

Levi cut me off with another kiss and locked his legs around my lower back. "Don't even fucking finish that sentence. If I didn't at least _marginally_ trust you, I can guarantee that-" his voice hitched against a moan,"-your dick wouldn't be in my ass. _Fuck_ , right there," he hissed, pulled me down against him, and bit into my shoulder. The sharp pain doubled with how tight he felt around my cock was sensory overload and I let out a choked moan while I resumed my previous rhythm. He was so hot and _so good_ that I couldn't think beyond thrusting. His words had deep personal meaning, I knew that, but I was incapable of analyzing it. Each movement took me closer to the edge and extracted the most incredible moans from both of our mouths, yet my thighs burned from the sheer amount of effort it took to keep up with my own lust. I rested my elbows on either side of his body for a second to rest and before I even had a chance to process his actions, Levi had flipped me onto my back.

"Wait, Levi, I thought that… I'm already…"

" _Have faith in me_ ," he mocked with a half-smile. Obviously basking in my confusion, Levi moved slowly up my body, one hand lazily working my cock while the other moved up my sides. His fingers stopped at my nipple and he pressed his thumbs against it, smirked when I bit my lip and arched off of the bed, and pressed it into his mouth. The sensitivity of it would've been embarrassing had I not been too wrapped up in how good it felt to care. His tongue worked circles into my skin and left fire everywhere it touched. He _was_ fire. Hot, passionate, and dangerous. We made eye contact and it never broke, not even when he sat up and lowered himself down on my cock. 

I watched his expression fall serious as he focused on setting a pace. When he lowered himself down onto me fully, I gripped either side of his hips and he dropped his hand to stroke himself. As much as I had tried to prevent it, he'd taken control again. With that said, he was still technically bottoming, so had anything really changed? He was still comfortable enough to give himself to me in the most intimate, personal way, so… It was fine. The show I was being given was more than fine, in fact. I was free to do what I pleased underneath him and I grasped his ass firmly to pull him down harder with each movement he made. I angled my hips slightly and he crumbled forward, mouth open to another silent cry of pleasure that signaled I'd hit the right spot. 

Pleasure that _I'd_ given him. The thought made my pride swell.

I bucked up into the same spot and was met by the same reaction, but I didn't expect for him to tighten around me as much as he did. "Shit," I panted through clenched teeth, "Le… Rivaille, so good, keep going." I could feel the heat prickling between my legs, tightening and expanding every time he pressed down against me. I wouldn't last much longer, not at this rate. My entire body was on edge and electricity pulsed between my nerves with every movement he made. "Gonna… Gonna come," I warned weakly. Levi kept moving but leaned over me and pressed his lips to mine with possessive intensity, and his tongue pushed past my lips to claim my mouth. I met his kisses to the best of my ability until my vision went white and my body tightened, at which point I choked out a moan into his mouth. Warmth circulated through my body and made my arms and legs tingle, though my legs were shaking from exertion already. He let me ride out my orgasm before he motioned for me to pull out. I complied and he rolled his hips, then let out a breathy chuckle when I cried out against the sensitivity.

When I finally came down, he dug his fingers into my hips and that made me realize that he hadn't come. I opened my mouth to apologize but he shook his head and glared down at me with his sexy fucking bedroom eyes, and after that, it didn't take particularly long for my hand to find his cock. His body trembled under my touch and he fell forward over my chest, propped himself up on his elbows, and screwed his eyes shut. "Fucking good, faster," he growled, bucking his hips into my hand, and I complied, increasing my speed. I knew that he was getting close when his moans went up an octave and he fisted the sheets on either side of my head. His brows furrowed in concentration, nearly hidden beneath his sweat-soaked fringe, and the effort he put into reaching orgasm was apparent in the rigidness of his muscles. I raised my other hand to his hip just as he unraveled and came on my stomach and in my hand, appreciating each spasm beneath my fingers. 

His mouth fell open and he closed it again and bit his lip against a whine, features twisted. When his entire body relaxed, I saw a hint of serenity amidst the exhaustion that seized his expression. It didn't last long but it had been there, I knew it had; in that moment he had looked genuinely content. If figured that maybe, _just maybe_ , that spark of pleasure had let him believe that I wouldn't hurt him and made him forget his insecurities. 

That was his most vulnerable moment, I realized. I'd seen it and I'd caused it. Levi _had_ let me in, whether he consciously knew it or not. The last of his defenses had been shattered in the moment that he'd made the decision to put his pleasure in my hands. Even though the haze of sex was still settled over my thoughts, I knew that this was a crucial realization. I sat up as far as I could and pressed a lazy kiss to his collarbone, his neck, and finally his lips.

"Gotta work on your stamina," he slurred, then dipped his body down against mine, kissed a line up my jawline, and collapsed beside me, breathing heavily. I turned to face him and was surprised to see that despite the after-sex glow that had seized his features, he looked markedly troubled. 

"Are you alright?"

Instead of answering, he slid a hand behind my shoulders and pulled my head into the conveniently-shaped curve of his neck. I was too exhausted to press the issue any further. The fragrance of sweat and clove cigarettes on his skin made me dizzy. The last of my energy was spent removing my condom and tossing it where he'd discarded his cigarette butt, then wiping the come off of my stomach with a corner of the blanket that we wouldn't need. I closed my eyes the moment that I nestled my body back alongside his and wrapped my arms around him, indulging in his essence, and very nearly fell asleep. Exhausted wasn't a strong enough word to properly convey how I felt. He tore me away from the edge of unconsciousness just as I crossed the line.

"This isn't going to be easy."

Puzzled, I leaned back and studied his eyes carefully. "What isn't?"

"Being with me. Are you sure you really want to go through with this?"

Well, it was a little late now. "Of course I am. What do you mean?"

"This… Your love isn't going to fix me, Eren. If you want this because you're hoping to fix me, I'm telling you right now that that isn't how this works."

"What are you talking about? When did I say that you needed fixing?"

He shook his head and sighed irritably. "We're not going to get out of here and have a fairytale ending. Our problems won't magically disappear. Life doesn't work that way. This ward isn't an end-all to your depression and I won't suddenly start sleeping well if I ever get out of here. Being with me is going to be a battle. I'll be the first to admit that I'm fucked up. I've never had a reason to genuinely worry about it until now. I may never completely recover, do you realize that? Our relationship will never be normal. I'll push you away. I'll treat you like a piece of shit. I'll fuck you senseless in the morning and tell you to keep your filthy hands to yourself at night, then do the opposite the next day. I'll hate myself for everything I've ever been through or done. That won't change for a long time, regardless of whether or not you're in my life. You'll give me incentive to try to sort my shit out, sure, but at the end of the day, noticeable changes will only occur on a long-term schedule, if at all. Months. Years. Are you really prepared for that? Would that really be best for you?"

"Who the hell said that you had the right to decide what is and isn't best for me…? Levi, I'm too tired to argue with you right now, but I don't care about any of that, okay? When I say I love you, I mean that I love everything about you and I'm in this for the long haul. I know better now, so you can push me away all you want and I won't budge. You still confuse the hell out of me but I think that I understand you a little bit now. Well, some of you. I'll figure it out as I go along. I've spent my entire life dealing with people giving up on me. I'm not doing the same to you."

Another sigh, this time accompanied by a sad smile that he failed to conceal. "Alright, brat. We'll see. Go to sleep, you look and sound like hell."

"I love you, Rivaille."

"Yeah."

I lowered my head against his bare chest and contentedly let myself drift. The feeling of safety was almost tangible when he reached for my hand and intertwined our fingers, then slid his other arm around my shoulders. His heartbeat -- his actual, physical heartbeat, not the mechanical beeping serving as a representation -- lulled me to sleep.

"I love you too, kid."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY BABIES. :3 I really do appreciate you guys, I couldn't even explain how much you mean to me. I haven't been this happy with everything in a long time. <3 I love hearing from you so don't be scared to chat with me. Your messages and art and EVERYTHING JUST MAKES ME BLUSH AND CRY AND ASK-WINGED-LEVI(super fab ask blog, though, and I actually just love them to pieces) DID THE FIRST COSPLAY OF WIMTF!LEVI AND I HAVE EMOTIONS GUYS. COSPLAYING THIS? I CAN'T BREATHE
> 
> Tumblr: rivaille-fetish.tumblr.com  
> Tags I track: #fic: what it means to feel, what it means to feel, WIMTF, Opulence 
> 
> My stunning beta reader:  
> Tumblr: tourmalineundine.tumblr.com  
> AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/users/sealink/pseuds/Undine


	21. Falter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took forever. I don't even have excuses other than the fact that I just did a lot of ereri one-shot/drabble things on tumblr. 
> 
> You guys... Your support has been incredible. I've met so many beautiful people, beautiful and TALENTED people. The art I've received is just mind-blowing, it really is. I can't tell you how happy I get when I log onto tumblr and see posts in the tag. The art, the playlists, the incredibly kind messages, the friendships that have been forged... I appreciate them all. A few ask blogs even exist, one of them being erenvega.tumblr.com. They do WIMTF!Eren, canon!Eren, and 1994!Eren so far and they're a freaking cutie, go check them out, I could ramble about their cosplaying and talent for ages. I really can't thank you all enough. Wait, I'll gush at the end of the chapter. Okay.
> 
> Anywho. TRIGGER WARNING, this chapter deals with things like panic attacks and anxiety. With that said, I really, truly hope you enjoy and this was worth the incredibly long wait. I really apologize for that, guys. I just don't want it to end. :C

_God, my chest hurts._

I rubbed and opened my eyes… Wait, did I open my eyes? I blinked once, twice, three times… My eyes were definitely open, why couldn't I see anything?

_It feels like I'm underwater again._

The air felt oppressively heavy and an uncomfortable weight settled harder and harder against my lungs every time I inhaled. Every breath I took was too thick to travel down my throat; they stung and made my ribs ache. My eyes gradually adjusted to the lack of light and focused on the junction between the wall and the ceiling, and it slowly sunk in that that the pressure on my torso wasn't water. I wasn't drowning. I was in the hospital, in the ward. In Levi's room. Why was the room spinning? Why was it still so hard to breathe? 

I sat up slowly and cradled my throbbing head in my hands. Something felt wrong. I couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was, but something felt terribly, terribly wrong. It was in my bones, a deep-seated unease that I couldn't ignore. My thoughts were abnormally clouded, even after having just woken up. I was used to a little disorientation, sure, but this was different. Everything around me felt surreal. Dream-like… That was it, that was the problem: it felt like I hadn't actually woken up, like I was still on the precipice between consciousness and unconsciousness. I _had_ woken up, there was no way that I was still sleeping. The sharp pains in my chest were too distinct and the terror was too genuine when I realized that I was having trouble breathing. Feeling like I was stuck in a dream scared me more than anything. 

_I can't wake up. This is reality, I can't wake up from reality._

Regardless of how hard I tried, I couldn't slow my breathing. Hanji had gone over relaxation exercises in group before and I recalled a few that focused on helping to slow heart rate and control breathing, but they did a lot less in practice than they did in theory. It didn't matter how many times I tried to hold my breath or breathe on counts of 5 or 10, it was absolutely impossible to overcome the tightness in my chest and overwhelming feeling that I was going to pass out. The entire room was pulsing and spinning around me so quickly that I had to force my eyes closed to keep myself anchored.

_Something is really wrong._

The only thing that I could do was desperately try to cycle through the medical advice that my father had given me periodically through my life, the medical advice that I'd only half-heartedly listened to. My award-winning train of thought had reasoned that since I had no desire to go into the medical field, I didn't really need to pay attention to it. 

_I'm such an idiot, I should've listened._

Okay, I needed to focus. My chest hurt and it was hard to breathe. I was definitely lightheaded, my stomach was churning, and I was sweating… the only thing that I could think of that would include my symptoms was a heart attack. 

 _Oh my god, I'm having a fucking heart attack._  

Dread seized my body and made my chest tighten so intensely that I had to literally gasp for air. Clenching my fists in my hair and folding over into myself were the only things that my body was capable of. I was going to die. I was going to _die_ and I couldn't breathe, I didn't have enough air in my lungs to call out. I wouldn't be able to call for help or save myself. Levi would wake up to my cold, dead body and he wouldn't even know that I'd been trying to get help, that I didn't want to die…

"Eren? Hey, are you alright?" Levi's words came with the feeling of his hand on my back. His fingertips gently trailed up my spine and his palm settled on my shoulder, but it wasn't nearly as comforting as I'd hoped. Now I was dying while he was awake, how fantastic. "What's wrong? Another nightmare?"

"Chest," I panted. My voice sounded rough and distant, and just that single word was enough to completely wind me. He raised his hand to my forehead and brushed my hair back; only then did I realize that I was drenched in sweat. 

"Your chest hurts?"

The worry in his voice sent another wave of fear surging through my body and I nodded weakly. I think he may have asked where it hurt at some point after that, but I couldn't focus on him over the sound of my wheezing. Just as I bent down further into myself, panicked and reeling, Levi wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me upright again. 

"Eren, you need to tell me where it hurts. Don't lean over like that, sit up straight. Talk to me."

My hands fell to the back of my neck and I dug my fingertips into the skin below my hairline, pressed my face into my elbow, and squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn't just point out one spot. My entire chest hurt, and I couldn't explain that coherently like this. My thoughts were barely formed to begin with and articulating _anything_ right now wasn't realistic. "Don't wanna die," I managed weakly, and my voice cracked.

His grip on my body loosened and the bed creaked as he shifted closer to me. His fingers brushed along my forehead, pushed my sweat-soaked hair back, then fell to my cheeks and brushed away tears that had caught me by surprise completely. His other arm snaked around my torso underneath my arms and pulled me into his chest. When he pressed my face into his collarbone, a pressure that had been quietly building up in the back of my throat released and a desperate, strangled sob escaped my lips. Levi's touch had flipped a switch and I couldn't stop crying. It felt like I'd lost control of my body and I was shaking so hard that I couldn't have stopped myself if I'd tried. Sensing that I wasn't calming down, he rocked me slowly and breathed "shhhhhh" against the shell of my ear until it dissolved into white noise. 

My mind and body screamed to flee, to run from something that I didn't understand or even have a name for. I didn't run from _anything._ This wasn't me, this wasn't a feeling that I was used to _,_ but my entire existence felt endangered and the urge to escape was irrepressible. Levi's arms only tightened around me against the attempts I made to push him away. My struggling was a waste of time and it didn't take long for it to sap what little energy I had left. The only thing I was capable of doing from that point on was wrapping my arms around him and holding him like my fucking life depended on it, because as far as I was concerned, it did. I didn't know exactly how much time passed while we were in that position but he took care of me for the entirety. The time I spent working on regulating my breathing was also spent allowing him to murmur unintelligible things into my ear and rub my back, to trace my vertebrae with feather-light touches and calm me down. My body relaxed in his arms and he leaned back against the wall, pulling me back with him.

"Are you okay now?"

That was one hell of a loaded question. I had no idea what I'd just experienced, I had no idea why Levi had reacted the way he had, I had no idea why he'd known how to calm me down, I had no idea why it had woken me up, and I had no idea why I felt so drained. I hadn't even stopped shaking yet. In that case? No, I wasn't okay. "Not really?"

He sighed and rubbed his thumb up and down my shoulder before quietly asking, "I'm assuming that was your first panic attack, then?"

I'd heard the term before and it had been thrown around a few times in my psychology class, but I'd never paid much attention to it or what it meant. It hadn't made much sense to me, to be completely honest; the most anxiety I'd really dealt with was over missed homework assignments and that was nowhere near enough to make me feel like this. What I'd just experienced was like nothing I'd ever felt before. The way my chest had tightened and I hadn't been able to breathe… Had that really been caused by anxiety? That made no sense, I'd never had significant problems with anxiety before. Depression, sure, but not anxiety. "I don't think that was a panic attack, Levi. I seriously couldn't breathe. It felt like a heart attack, I swear to God I thought I was dying. That was… That was really fucking scary."

"You weren't dying, I promise," he whispered, tone tinged with forlorn understanding. The tenderness of his words caught me off-guard and I raised my head to study his face while he continued. "That was a panic attack. You were hyperventilating. That's part of reason why your chest hurt and it probably caused a good portion of any other symptoms you had. They're fucking terrifying, I know they are. They're called panic attacks for a reason. Did you think you were having a heart attack or something?" He knowingly matched every nod that I responded with. "That was your first panic attack. Jesus fucking christ, it was even a sleeping one."

"You mean because it woke me up?"

"Yes, you had a sleeping panic attack. They're a bitch to deal with, especially if you're not used to them. You're thrust into them while you're still not entirely awake. It takes that much longer to bring yourself down since you have to deal with the disorientation before you can do anything else. Huge pain in the ass." He paused thoughtfully and looked down at me, brows furrowed. "I'm surprised that you've never had one before. Those nightmares of yours seemed to me like they'd be enough to trigger one."

No, I'd definitely never had one before. I'd had my share of nightmare-induced cold sweats and there had even been times when I'd woken up yelling, but this was new. It hadn't even been caused by a nightmare, not one that I was aware of. I was fairly positive that I hadn't had a dream at all. _Shit_. I didn't have the foggiest clue what _had_ caused it. If I ignored the sexual frustration, my day hadn't been bad or particularly stressful. I'd been given an (interesting) insight into Armin's personal life, I'd sorted things out with Levi, and I'd broken through the last of his walls. There was no longer _any_ doubt in my mind that I had his heart and he genuinely cared about me. 

Why, had I woken up convinced that I was dying? 

This effectively added panic attacks to the list of mental health symptoms that I had to worry about. That didn't… That didn't seem right. I was supposed to be discharged in less than a week because I'd been doing well, and doing well didn't include having unprovoked panic attacks. I'd almost made myself pass out, for fucks sake. As far as I knew, it signaled that my mental health was deteriorating again, or that there was something else wrong with me. The thought made my chest ache again, and the words that I knew I needed to ask were heavy and painful on my tongue. "Does this mean that I'm going to need to stay here longer?"

My thoughts were so jumbled and conflicted that I actually felt pangs of panic resurface. Staying in the ward with everyone was obviously something that I would've loved to do. I'd gained something from every single one of them and honestly, I owed them all my life. They'd helped give it back to me, after all. They'd given me support and companionship, and they'd made me realize that I wasn't alone. I wasn't the only one who'd been dealt shitty cards. Armin had gone through plenty and yet he still had such a passion for living, he still saw the world as an incredible place despite (or, perhaps, as a result of?) his experiences and yearned for the chance to immerse himself into every inch of it. Marco was no different, and Jean seemed like he'd been through his share of turmoil, too. Sasha had her own personal issues and she'd managed to move toward recovery _and_ settle things with her family. They'd all given me hope, and in retrospect, hope had been what I'd been missing.

I'd be blatantly lying if I said that the last few weeks had been effortless. As much as they'd all helped, they hadn't cured me. Nothing had cured me. I'd still had my share of self-deprecating thoughts and my depression was far from gone. My sleeping habits were awful, too; there had been multiple occasions when getting out of bed had seemed like a completely unrealistic task, and those days had been spent absolutely dreading the thought of socializing. Armin had been at the receiving end of my mood swings more than I'd like to admit, and Jean… I had to admit that I'd given him more shit than he deserved, even though he was an insufferable douche. I wasn't perfect. I wasn't even close to perfect. I was, however,doing better. Better was good enough, especially when I realized that I'd come back up from rock bottom. The climb had been difficult and tumultuous, and I still had a long way to go, but this was progress. Progress meant discharge, and I'd been devastated when Petra had told me that I'd be leaving soon, but I'd known all along that I couldn't stay forever.

Despite the bullshit that I knew I'd eventually have to deal with and a significant amount of reluctance toward making an effort to adjust to my life again, I really did want to go back home. I missed Mikasa so much. That old proverb "you don't know what you have until it's gone" was completely spot on. I'd never realized exactly how capable I was of getting myself into shit with my mouth and my actions. Yes, I'd gotten into fights fairly regularly, and yes, I'd gotten detention for mouthing off more times than I could be bothered to count, but she'd always been there to serve as damage control. I'd called it being overprotective at the time, but she'd been doing what she'd known was best. I didn't miss her because I needed her to take care of me again, that wasn't it anymore at all. I missed her because now I knew that she'd spent such a long time doing so much, even though I'd always given her shit about it. It wasn't even like she'd had an obligation to stick around and take care of my ungrateful ass, either. Everything had been her choice. The least I could do was come back home, help her, and show her how thankful I was to have her in my life. If I could be there for her even a fraction of how much she'd been there for me, I'd be happy.

The idea of finally sleeping in my own bed again wasn't half bad, either. Just the thought of being back at the house was such a breath of fresh air. Privacy would be a godsend after spending almost every waking second of the day under supervision of doctors, nurses, and patients. (Chances to masturbate in my own goddamn bed without worrying about roommates or assholes? Oh _hell_ yes.) Listening to music at my own discretion, catching up on television shows that were't on basic channels, using the internet… They were all luxuries I'd taken for granted until they'd been taken from me. 

The panic attack had probably been one of the most unpleasant experiences I'd ever had, but what having it in the first place implied was equally unnerving. I'd been doing well, I'd been doing _really_ well. A setback like this… It felt like the last few weeks had been for nothing. Petra had made it seem like everyone had been so impressed with how well I'd been doing and now it felt like I was back at square one. My stay had tackled one problem, only for another one to surface out of nowhere.

Levi didn't answer immediately, studying my face carefully in silence instead. More and more apprehension knotted in the pit of my stomach with every second that passed. By the time he did open his mouth to speak, my nerves had already decided that vomiting would be a fairly appropriate course of action, depending on where his reply went.

"No, don't be stupid. You're getting out on time, Eren. Look at this as reminder that this ward isn't a cure-all for your problems. You realize that, right? You're going to need to do things to keep yourself healthy. You're going to need to take care of yourself when there aren't professionals doing it for you. You're going to need therapy and a good psychiatrist to keep you out of here. You're going to have bad days. You're going to have panic attacks, and you're going to get depressed. You'll get suicidal, too." He paused and I watched his eyes flicker over my neck for a split second before he continued, "What you need to glean from your time in this hellhole is that you're not alone. You've been given the tools and the opportunities that can help you succeed, it's just a matter of deciding to use them to your advantage. It's all about the decisions you make, Eren. You can never know for sure that you're making the right choices, but people like Hanji try to make it a little bit easier for you to know how to predict it. From what I've heard, the first few days after getting out are shitty as hell and pretty damn hard, but worth it."

The relief that his first few words had brought was gradually replaced by uncertainty as he continued, and my heart sank again. This wasn't news to me, but it was still oppressively stressful to think about. My _entire life_ would be spent grappling with my own problems. Medication for the rest of my life. Therapists and psychiatrists to keep me feeling the way that "normal" people should feel. I'd still have bad days. It was almost inevitable that I'd feel like I did the night that I jumped again.There wasn't even any guarantee that I would retain any of the growth that I'd achieved here at all. I could get out and go directly back to feeling like shit. I wouldn't know for sure until Iw as discharged.

"What if it isn't?

"What?"

"What if it's not worth it? What if I get out and nothing's changed? What if I go right back to wanting to throw myself off of a bridge, Levi?"

"Excuse m-"

"I'm going to have so much to catch up on, oh my fucking god. I was already failing Mr. Bossard's class. It's going to take me so long to do the work that I missed and try to bring up my grade at the same time. Oh _shit,_ that doesn't even count the work I need to do for my other classes. Being held back a year isn't an option for me, Levi, I need to graduate. Oh, fuck, I don't even know what I'm going to do for college. We… There's no way we have enough money for that. Are my grades even good enough to get into college?" 

It was getting hard to breathe again and the pressure on my chest was literally suffocating. None of this had been going through my head before I'd started talking, but hearing it come out of my mouth made it so real. I hadn't ever really, _really_ sat down to actively prepare for my future, but I still had goals and hopes. College had always been a given and I'd been pretty sure that I wanted to be a business major or something. Nothing was set in stone, but there had been plans that I'd intended to follow. All of that was crumbling before my eyes. The future that I'd imagined for myself since I was fucking _ten_ was suddenly nonexistent; in fact, I no longer had a future. I'd screwed myself over.  

"I'm going to need to get a job to help Mikasa pay for everything, and… Shit. Mikasa. She'll get scholarships, right? Right, Levi? Or… Someone will help her pay, they have to. She can't do student loans, I don't want her to be drowning in debt right out of college. She deserves better than that. I really hope she isn't getting shit in school about me. The girl with the dead parents and the crazy brother, and they're all assholes anyway. I hate them so much, Levi. I don't want to deal with their shit when I get back. Oh god, everyone fucking _sucks._ " Everything was so tight and it seemed like it ached with every single movement and sound that I made, and I could've sworn that it even ached with every thought that raced through my mind. Waves of constriction around my lungs. "I can't do it. I don't want to go back to that, it would've been so much easier if I just wouldn't have called Mikasa so I could've drow-"

I was on the floor and completely winded before I even had a chance to process Levi moving toward me. How he'd managed to straddle my hips and pin my shoulders so easily was a mystery to me, and it would've probably been hot as _hell_ if he didn't look like he was about to end me. "Shut the _fuck_ up, you piece of shit. Don't you dare finish that sentence. Look at me. God dammit, Eren, look at me." My head had been turned in an attempt to escape eye contact (and nurse the swelling, throbbing lump on the back of my head when I hit the floor), but he moved his hand from like left shoulder to my chin and yanked it so that I was looking at him. He lowered his face down within inches of mine and hissed, "If anything about how you should've died that night comes out of your mouth again, I'll sew it shut. The hell do you think this is, a fucking movie? This has never been easy, and it should never be easy. If it's easy, you're doing it wrong. I get that you're a lazy teenager with no grasp of what's important and what's trivial-"

"Fuck off! I know what's important!"

He narrowed his eyes and sneered, shaking his head slowly. "Do you? Do you really? Because less than a minute ago, you were talking about offing yourself over the shitsticks at your school."

"Oh my god, was that all you gleaned from that?"

"That sister of yours can take care of herself. She's been doing it for years, with the added bonus of keeping track of your ass. Isn't that what you told me?"

"That's not the point, Levi! I don't have a future anymore! Do you understand how much time I've wasted riding on the assumption that I'd graduate high school on time and ship myself off to college to get a degree or something? That's shattered. I probably won't graduate on time. I don't have any idea if we'll be able to afford college. I don't even… I don't even know what the hell my life is doing anymore. I feel like this stupid ward is just a way for me to run away from my problems until I'm forced to let myself drown in them. I came here weak and I'm leaving weak, what the hell? I don't have a purpos-"

He cupped a hand over my mouth and pressed so hard that I couldn't try to bite him or wriggle away. "Stop talking. Everything that comes out of your mouth is fucking ridiculous. Eren, you have your entire life ahead of you and you're going to do something really incredible with it. You know why I know that?" I went to open my mouth but his hand was still too tight against my lips, so I settled for shaking my head. "I saw you recover. You were empty when you walked into my room. You were empty and unsure of yourself, and I wasn't particularly impressed with you. You looked like you'd given up. The night that you had that nightmare, it occurred to me that something happened to make you that way." He must have noticed how bewildered I was because he explained, "I've been here for a long time, Eren. I've seen everything. In fact, I've seen everything _over and over and over_ again. I stopped feeling surprised and I'm past the point that I give much of a damn. I've seen more suicide survivors than I can count. You weren't anything special. 

"You should know that I don't give a shit about what happens in most people's lives unless I need or feel morally obligated to. I have my own bullshit to deal with. The terrible reality is that it's easy to get selfish and judgmental, Eren. It's easy for _anyone_ to define people by their actions and problems because it's easier that way, because it takes a fuck ton of effort to figure out _why_ they've done what they've done. It'd been a long time since I'd seen someone have a nightmare like that, since I'd heard that level of pain in someone's voice while they were still asleep. I'd been able to brush it off and convince myself that it had been a result of stress associated with your first night in the ward, especially when you did fairly well at breakfast and in group, but that fucking attempt of yours solidified it. The place that you were in mentally was a place that I'd been in too many times to count. You can't even begin to grasp how hard it was to see that. When most patients reach that point, they're already gone. No going back. But you… The entire ward watched you push forward. You stopped waking up screaming, and I saw a hell of a lot more of that shit-eating grin or yours every day. You possess more drive and resilience than most of the general population, Eren."

"If I were resilient or driven, I wouldn't want to kill myself all of the time. That's contradictory, isn't it? 

"Look at me. You grieve in the way that best suits you, regardless of the method. Am I saying that throwing yourself off of a bridge or trying to strangle yourself with your shirt are particularly _good_ ways to grieve? Absolutely not, but the entirety of your reaction to all of this isn't baseless. Grieving doesn't make you any less driven, it makes you _human_ ; there are explanations behind everything you do. Nobody is expecting you to be composed, so don't pressure yourself into feeling like you need to have your life under control. You don't. There isn't a damn person on this planet that has it all figured out. Everyone handles it differently. It has very little to do with your drive, it's just human nature.  

"As far as weakness goes… You were vulnerable, Eren, not weak. Coming from someone who fucking gets it, it's hard as hell to lose the people that you love. That shit will tear you apart if you let it. I'm a prime example, aren't I? It leaves you open and raw and susceptible to plenty of bullshit. Sometimes it takes more strength to survive than it does to die. You're probably stronger now than you've ever been, and it shows. This isn't running away from your problems. The purpose behind you coming here was for you to learn how to cope with them, and you have. You're going to remember this for the rest of your life." He moved his hand above my shoulder and traced my neck with his thumb. His touch was gentle, but there was purpose behind it and it was reflected in his eyes. "You've grown a lot and you're doing a damn good job living. I dare you to call yourself weak again, dickhead. "

"I still _feel_ weak. It doesn't seem like I-"

"Eren. Would you like to know what about you proves your strength?" I bit my lip and he sighed heavily. "This is something that will probably be difficult for you to completely grasp because it's psychological, but you have the _desire_ to recover. Eren, the ward can counsel people and offer medication and keep track of everyone all they want, it won't do a damn thing unless the patients want to learn to cope with their conditions. Despite the stress that you're under and the experiences that have threatened to tear you apart, there's still a part of you that's holding on. You didn't drown, and you didn't successfully strangle yourself. _You still want to live._ You've made it this far and you've already scaled the Mt. Everest of shitty experiences, things from here on out will be easy in comparison. Will your issues cease to exist? Of course not. Will they _actually_ be easy? Fuck no. You'll get through them anyway.

"There will always be things that are out of your control, and you need to accept that before you drive yourself crazy. Don't fight it, that's a waste of time and energy. Make the best of it. I'm the biggest hypocrite alive, telling you things that I can't even adhere to myself, but… I see a lot of myself in you, kid. Maybe you'll be able to make it work for you. You don't recognize this and you never will, but your life is worth something. You've made an impact on a lot of people. You saved my life, you piece of shit. I hadn't asked for it, and I fully expect for you to take responsibility. There's so much left for you to do, see, and learn. Fuck you, honestly. You have your entire life ahead of you."

"You have your whole life ahead of you, too," I replied quietly.

Levi chuckled bitterly beneath his breath and shook his head slightly, eyes cast to the lower corner as though he were remembering something. "I really don't. I've wasted twenty-six years of my life making bad decisions and I can't bear to watch you do the same. Fucking your life up isn't an option. I can't let you do that to yourself."

I opened my mouth to argue, but he cut me off before I was given the chance.

"You're not going to like what I'm about to say, but it's the truth and you need to get it through your thick fucking skull. This future of yours that you're dreaming about? There's no way in hell any of it's going to happen."

I'd already been trembling, but his words sent a surge of anger through my body and I clenched my fists so hard that my arms _hurt_ from shaking. Did he think I wasn't already aware? In what world was this supposed to help me? I could feel the anxiety creeping into my chest and tightening my muscles again, and the difficulty breathing was returning. Ugh, I'd just gotten over this, why did he have to- 

"Do you know why, Eren? You're living for the future and you're forgetting that it's all based on the decisions that you make _now._ You know what you want to happen, but it doesn't mean anything unless you _make_ it happen. I know for a fact that you're capable of it. You can graduate. You can make up the work by your deadline. You need to stop caring so goddamn much about other people and focus on doing what's going to get you to where you want to be. Worry about your own shit. There are a lot of things going on in your head that still need to be sorted out and they need to be your priority. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else, including your sister."

The tension dissolved as he explained himself, but there was still an uneasiness in the pit of my stomach that was impossible to ignore. Making it happen was what I was worried about. If I only focused on my problems, I'd have _no_ time for anyone else. My life would be a mess for a good chunk of time and I'd be spending a hell of a lot of time trying to tie up loose ends. That would've been fine with me if I wasn't plagued constantly by worry and guilt regarding Mikasa. "I just… I don't know. I feel like I should be the one taking care of her. All she's ever done is watch out for me and it's so frustrating that I take advantage of it. Her life is so much more difficult than it needs to be. I constantly complain about how she isn't my mother, but she just _cares_ , that's all it is. I'm such an ass."

"Then change it, Eren. Make it your priority to change it when you're discharged. This is one hell of a reality check for a clueless high school student, so consider it a second chance. Not everyone gets this, so use it wise-- Oi, why're you crying?"

His question bewildered me. I'd already stopped and calmed myself down before he'd pushed me to the ground, but when I blinked, my vision blurred and I felt the warmth of tears streaming down my temples and into my hair. "I… Fuck, I don't know, just give me a second. I'm fine, everything just kind of hit me, I guess. Ugh, I'm sorry, this is so stupid, I just got really overwhelmed and…" an involuntary hiccup effectively severed my train of thought and sent me spiraling head-first into a fucking meltdown. It had come on so suddenly. The fear and anxiety and pain of the last hour all hit at once and overwhelmed me completely and I couldn't stop, no matter how ridiculous I felt. The tears fell relentlessly and every heaving sob hit so hard that I couldn't do anything but fight for air and let myself crumble. I tucked my face into the inside of my elbow and desperately attempted to stop, but my efforts were continually breached by unwelcome and disgustingly pitiful whimpers that shattered my restraint.

Levi moved off of me and I sat up, immediately trying -- and failing -- to get a hold of myself again. Between shuddering breaths, I pressed my hands to my eyes. "I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry, I can't stop it. Do you want me to leave? I can run out so I don't bother you."

"Stop. Stop apologizing and listen to me." He pulled my hands away from my face and moved in so that I was forced to look at him. "This is normal. It's good. It's a release. You just finished believing that you were having a heart attack, you stupid shit,"--he was still brash as ever, even when he was trying to help, but surprisingly enough, it made me feel at ease--"people cry when they fear for their lives. You're alright, I promise. Let it out, don't hold it in. It'll help you more than you realize. If you can do it or need to do it, you should."

I didn't _want_ to do it. Every time my lungs strained for a breath, I lost that much more energy, energy that I already didn't have. The panic attack had thrust me awake without giving me a chance to properly prepare myself for functioning, and I was really feeling the consequences. My body was heavy. The only thing I wanted to do was fall asleep and pretend that none of this had actually occurred, but I couldn't curb the tears. "I'm so sorry."

"Didn't I tell you to stop that?" There was a sharpness in his tone that hadn't been there before, and presented me with the realization that I was irritating him. I wasn't sure if I'd woken him up since I'd only noticed him when he touched me, but… did it even matter? This was his room and I was an intruder. Levi was the kind of person that savored silence, disliked unnecessary noise, and enjoyed being left to his own devices. That was already three strikes against me. I'd invaded his space and spent the night sniveling like a child, it was no wonder he sounded irritated. 

"I… I hope you don't feel like you _need_ to fix me or do any of this."

I'd barely finished the sentence when he pulled me into his lap so that I had to wrap my legs around his waist, and he slid a hand behind my neck to pull my head into his collarbone. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders as a means of keeping him close; a nerve-wracked, irrational part of me was convinced that he'd leave and let me lapse back into my anxiety. He didn't say anything until the only reminders that I'd been crying were shuddering breaths and sniffling, but when he did, his voice was soft and… tired? He knew how I felt and it was reflected in the quality of his words; it was almost painful to hear, especially when I paired it with the words he whispered against my hair. "Didn't you say earlier that you didn't need to be fixed? I'm not holding you with the intentions of fixing you. I can't fix you and I don't need to fix you. I don't _want_ to fix you, you're not broken." I turned my head and nudged my face into his neck as I calmed down. I wouldn't be able to stay up much longer, I couldn't remember the last time I felt this drained. Every word he said vibrated against my body and I felt safe in his arms, safe enough to close my eyes consciously show vulnerability. "I'm just here, I'm always here. You need to face your own demons, but I'll be here to keep you grounded. I'll help you when you need it and want it, since you said you wanted to keep me around earlier. Recovery is up to you, but I'll do what I can for as long as I can."

His words were reassuring. That hadn't been anything that I'd ever really thought about before. My problems were my own and I didn't have any desire to force them on Levi, that wouldn't be fair. All I needed was someone to lean on, someone to be strong for me when I couldn't be strong for myself, someone to help me back onto my feet and point me in the right direction but never lead. I didn't need to be fixed or saved. Having him as a constant in my life was enough, I just needed someone to keep me anchored. "I didn't mean to dump this all on you, especially not after everything I'd said to you before we went to sleep. Thank you, Levi, thank you so much."

"Let's get back up to the bed. Okay? I'm too sore to be in this position."

Even though I felt terrible about making him sit like this while his body hurt (which I was entirely too proud of), I was too tired to do anything about it. I had absolutely no desire to move at _all_ , let alone stand up and try to get comfortable on the bed again. It was bad enough that just _talking_ anymore seemed like it would take too much energy. That left me with one option that I readily took advantage of: do nothing. I nestled my face further into his neck and ignored his suggestion to the best of my ability.

"Oi, come on."

The body warmth we shared was so sedating that I could feel myself actually starting to nod off. My perception was still slightly altered from the panic attack and I had no desire to stay awake any longer than I needed to. His embrace was strong and secure, and at that exact moment, that was enough for me. Levi shook my shoulder gently and I let my head roll to the side slightly, eyes still closed.

"Did you fall asleep? You have to be fucking kidding me. There's no way you passed out that abruptly."

He shook me a little harder and jabbed a finger into my ribs, which I responded to by grumbling and burying my face into his shirt. I let a few seconds pass before I relaxed my body and slowed my breathing again, then I was back to effortlessly feigning sleep.

"Oh _hell_ no. Eren, we're on the fucking floor."

Honestly, the floor was perfectly acceptable and fairly comfortable. I didn't have enough energy to care, let alone do something about it.

"Eren. The _floor._ "

It was true that I was on top of Levi and that probably accounted for a lot of the reason why the floor was this comfortable, and I _almost_ felt bad, but… I really was starting to fall asleep. Getting up was that much more unappealing.

"You goddamn brat. I'm in pain and you're really going to make me do this? Ugh." His voice had dropped dramatically in volume and his words all sounded like disgruntled groans. How fitting. "You'd better be thank any higher power you believe in for giving you a legitimate excuse for sleeping, because if you didn't have one, you'd be sleeping down here. I swear, I feel like I'm running a fucking daycare sometimes. Come on, let's heave you up--"

He dropped his hands to my lower back and beneath my ass and I was suddenly in the air, supported against his body by his hands and my own arms wrapped around his shoulders. Thankfully, I didn't have the time to react accordingly because we were back on the bed almost immediately. He settled against the corner that I'd seen him leaning on when I'd entered the room earlier that night, and promptly moved my body around in his lap so that I was between his legs with my head resting back against his chest. He leaned forward and grabbed something--a pillow?-- and adjusted himself with a sigh.

"Mm, tu es une loque, je le jure. Tu es désordonné, bruyant, impétueux, têtu, et incroyablement énervant…" He combed his fingers through my hair and let his voice trail off. I wouldn't be able to ask him what this all meant in the morning, he thought I was sleeping. Damn. "Tu es lourd vraiment, aussi." He sounded irritated. Should I have moved? Just as I made up my mind to carefully slide off of him, he breathed, "Je t'aime. Je ne sais pas pourquoi, mais je t'aime à la folie. Je serai toujours là pour toi, c'est promis."

I knew what je t'aime meant and I caught something that sounded like "promise", and that was enough of an assurance that he wasn't annoyed. I turned my head and tilted it back on his shoulder, shifted slightly to press back into his body to get comfortable, and finally let myself go completely. "Night, Le…vi." 

I hadn't meant to do that. No, I hadn't meant to to that, it slipped, I was such an idiot--

"You little fuck! I _knew_ you hadn't fallen asleep. I take that all back, you're a pain in my ass. Get off of me, you can sleep on the floor." He shoved me playfully and I pushed back into his chest, obstinate against his attempts to dislodge me from his body.

"I'm sleepy, Levi, give me a break."

"I feel like I had my ass pried open and violated by a goddamn train. Piss off."

"I'm sorry! I really am, okay?" My voice broke halfway through and I snorted, which earned me a sharp pinch below my ribs. He cut off my wince by lifting my chin and pressing a quick kiss to my lips, then leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. I had to take a few moments to process everything because my thoughts were slowed by fatigue, but after a minute or two, I asked quietly, "Do you always talk to yourself in French? What did that all mean?"

"It meant 'you're incredibly annoying and I'm glad that you're sleeping.'"

"I'm serious, what did it mean?"

Levi's smile at that moment was barely detectable but it was most certainly there and strangely peaceful. "Nothing that you don't already know. Sleep." 

His arms locked around my shoulders and he rested his head against mine. I couldn't complain. Sleep was the only thing I wanted right now. "Fine. But whatever it was, I promise, too. See you in the morning, maybe we'll actually sleep this time."

At the sound of my voice, his grip on my shoulder tightened just slightly and loosened again, as though he was making sure I was really real, really there. "I know, Eren. Good night."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My url is still rivaille-fetish.tumblr.com if you're interested in checking out the little things I've written during the downtime. It was nice to have a break from the ward and to explore Eren and Levi's characters in the canonverse and in other AUs. I have a LOT of things that I want to write in the near future, and most of them will be posted there, if you feel like keeping up with anything outside of WIMTF. During the wait, I wrote a one-shot called "Countdown" that focuses on their age gap, if you're interested in reading it. It's uploaded on AO3. Started out as a drabble/prompt response and turned into a massive ~17k word thing, so... Yeah. :'D
> 
> Messages are ALWAYS welcomed, and if I don't respond, I apologize and will probably respond in the future. I'm not ignoring you, I promise! I have a short attention span and sometimes my inbox can get a little hectic, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE your messages.
> 
> I tag a bunch of tags since they've all been used in the past: #fic: WIMTF, #fic: What it means to feel, #what it means to feel, #wimtf, and #Opulence. Phew. Okay.
> 
> Back to gushing. You know, I can't remember the last time I was this happy. You've all enriched my life so fucking much and there isn't any way that I can possibly express how important you are to me. I've formed unbreakable bonds with people, bonds that I will remember until the day I die. I've created the most amazing memories. This is so cheesy jfc but I really feel worth something lately, and that's a really big thing for me. 
> 
> As always, a huge thank you to my beta reader and best friend, tigerine.tumblr.com. Go check her out, her writing is absolutely stunning. She's kept me sane on numerous occasions. :P


	22. Loose Ends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shitballs, guys.
> 
> I'm really, really, genuinely sorry that this update took so long. I think I'll make a post on tumblr about it in a little bit because you all deserve some sort of explanation for it, but for now, just know that I'm sorry. I did do some short writing that you can find on my blog under my writing tag if you want it.
> 
> This is a longer chapter, and I originally wanted this to be the penultimate chapter, but I misjudged (I do that a lot djhvkshdfbvd) and there are probably gonna be two more actual chapters after this one. Chapters that won't take like, four months. ;~;
> 
> Thanks again for all of your support. You've helped me through some really, really difficult shit and I'm so lucky. Your messages mean the world to me, I can't stress that enough.
> 
> There's a lot more that I should say but I figure you just wanna read. Go. :3
> 
> Ah, before I forget, this is dedicated to Ned Vizzini. :c He took his own life not too long ago and the news devastated me. His work was one of the reasons why I saw someone about my depression and he's basically the reason why I'm breathing right now. If you haven't read his work, you should. His work is one of the things that inspired this and you would really like it.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this, guys. I really do. It ended up being really personal.

"Hey, wake up."

The harsh whisper was enough to make me aware that I was awake, but I still couldn't quite process what the words meant. The only thing I was capable of in my semi-conscious state was rolling onto my side and burying my face in Levi's chest.

"Eren. Don't you dare go back to sleep, you need to get up. We don't have time to dick around right now."

When I still refused to move, he peeled away my body by wedging an elbow between us and raising his other hand to shove my head back from his collarbone. The room was still dark, there wasn't any light shining from beneath the bottom of the door, and I couldn't hear anyone else in the other rooms or hallway talking. It wasn't even morning yet, and even after I woke myself up enough that I could form coherent thoughts, I wasn't sure why I was awake. "What time is it?" 

"Time for you to get the fuck up." He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, then grabbed a pair of sweatpants from the drawer closest to him. My entire body ached when I tried to follow his example, and I inexplicably ended up on the edge of the bed beside him, hunched over my knees while the room spun around me. "Don't get up too fast, you'll make yourself dizzy."

"Yeah, I kinda noticed," I muttered, cradling my head in my heads and sighing. The last time we'd had sex hadn't left me this exhausted. My body was sore in all of the places I figured it would be: my back was tight, my sides were killing me, and the inside of my thighs were burning. To be honest, both of my legs were weak to the point that I couldn't move without them shaking from exertion. I didn't, however, expect to be this sluggish. It wasn't necessarily fatigue, and that caught me off guard. I was just drained. When I moved to try to put on my pants, it felt like moving my arms and legs together was just too much effort and my actions didn't sync the way that I wanted them to. My mind and my body were somehow disconnected, and it took a few tries for me to fit my legs back through their respective holes in my sweatpants. As if that wasn't bad enough, my attempts left me breathless and completely unwilling to continue. "How necessary is it that I leave right at this exact moment?"

Levi turned to me and his forehead creased while he frowned. He didn't bother entertaining the possibility of letting me get any more sleep, he tossed my shirt at my head before it looked like he even took my question into consideration. When he did take my question into consideration, he answered it with a stony-faced, "No."

"No?"

"I can't let you fall asleep here again, not tonight. I don't think the ward will be particularly fond of the idea that we've been shagging, and I'm not letting Irvin lose his job because you can't keep your eyes open." Was Irvin still standing outside the door? Oh God, had he heard us? "Focus. I know I'm a good lay, but you've got more important things to worry about."

"Whoa, what? What are you talking about?"

"It's almost pitch black in this room and I can still see you blushing, kiddo. I'm impressed."

A burn settled from my cheeks to the tips of my ears and down my neck, and I finally managed, "I wasn't… That wasn't what I was thinking about." He raised a brow and I explained, "I just realized that Irvin may have heard us if he was still standing out there. We weren't exactly, uh, quiet."

He paused in the middle of putting on a pair of socks to stare at me, an incredulous stare that put me on the defensive almost immediately. "God forbid the man who brought you here, supplied the condoms, and kept watch heard us fucking. Really, I'm sure that it was never even a possibility in his mind." That didn't change the fact that I was mortified by the idea that someone, anyone, had heard us in the throes of passion. Something in the back of my mind told me that Irvin knew far more about me than I would've liked him to, and most of that had stemmed from two or three total meetings, all awkward in nature. It terrified me to consider what he thought about--

" _Focus_. You need to go back to your room before it's time for everyone to wake up. You can go back to sleep when you're back in your own bed."

"Oh, I see how it is. You don't want me here anymore. Fine, whatever. It's not like I wanna be here anyway, I'll go," I teased and pulled my shirt over my head. It wasn't really an issue. Sure, I was sore and I didn't _want_ to move, but I was awake now and I was fully aware that I had to. The thought of going back to the room was actually a little exciting when I realized that Armin had quite a bit to fill me in on regarding a certain blonde-haired, blue-eyed staff member. If things had gone particularly well, there was a chance that he could still be awake… Right? I didn't even know what time it was, Levi had never told me. I turned back to ask but my mouth closed when I saw his face. He most certainly hadn't been frowning like that a few moments ago. "What's wrong?"

"Don't say shit like that, Eren."

"Shit like…" I stared at him in confusion and scoured my memory for what "that" referred to. To my knowledge, my thoughts about Armin and Irvin hadn't been spoken, and I would've remembered if I'd said anything particularly offensive or upsetting. I ran through our conversation and replayed the last words I'd said in my head a few times before it finally clicked. "Wait, _that_? I was just joking, you know that."

"No, I don't. You know as well as anyone that it's impossible to determine whether or not the last sentence you've uttered will be the last sentence that _ever_ comes out of your mouth. Make it count, don't waste your breath on stupid shit like that. I'm saying this for your sake as much as mine: watch what you say. Besides, I've heard those words too many fucking times to think of them as a joke. I sure as hell don't want to hear them from you. "

If anyone would've given me that speech a month ago, I would've thrown it back at their face. I would've countered it with snark and mouthed off and refuted them in any way I could, I would've told them that they were wrong and they had no right to tell me what to do and say. I would've taken offense to it and then pushed it to the back of my mind and forgotten about it before I could realize how true it was, how important it was. I knew better now. This was the first time I was actively noticing a change in myself: when Levi finished, my first instinct wasn't to take it personally. Everything he said was painfully true and so terribly real. Armin would've killed for a chance to take back the last words he said to his grandmother. Levi surely had things that he would've liked to have told his parents. Hell, _I_ had things that I wanted to go back and tell my parents, so many things, and thinking about it hurt so much that I could cry. Studying Levi's face, I knew my words had hurt him in ways that I couldn't even comprehend, and I was angry. Not at him or his words, but at myself for saying them in the first place. "I'm so sorry. You're right. I didn't think before I said that."

"I know you didn't. You rarely do."

I had to bite my lip against that one, and I knew he was working my nerves on purpose. "I want to be here. I don't wanna leave at all, I swear. I do have to go, though. Will I see you in the morning?"

"Of course you will, dumbass. I'm not going anywhere. Go on, get out. You need more sleep anyway." He stood and led me to the door, then sent me off with a kiss and a firm slap on my ass that prompted a yelp that was incredibly hard to suppress.

When I approached the door to Armin's room, I very nearly opened the door right away, but I stopped myself when I remembered that he'd had his own _extracurricular activities_ planned. I pressed my ear to the door to listen for any indication that I needed to come back later, and when I heard nothing, I knocked a few times for good measure. The voice that responded was definitely Armin's but the quality was off, his quivered quivered and cracked in the middle of his sentence. "I'm trying to get some sleep, I swear I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me or come in. Seriously, it's not a big deal." My heart sunk.

"Ah… Armin?" I tried gently, and immediately heard a frantic shuffle of bedsheets.

"E-Eren? I'm so sorry, hold on, just gimme a second."

"Hey, are you alright? Did something happen that I need to know about?  What did he--"

"Shhhhh!" The door swung open and Armin turned and walked back before I could see his face. I closed it behind me and sat down on the corner of his bed, but he drew his knees up to his chest, buried half of his face in the blankets, and looked away. Even then, even with the lack of light and him trying to hide his face, I could see the slight shine of tear-stained cheeks and his red, swollen eyes.

"What the fuck did he do to you?"

"Nothing, don't worry about it. I'm fine."

"Bullshit!" It was something Irvin did, I _knew_ it was, Armin would've told me otherwise. We'd spoken about Armin's past, he knew he could trust me with whatever was on his mind about it. He usually kept things to himself, yes, but _he knew he could trust me._ The fact that he was withholding this from me was a red flag, a promise that he most certainly was not okay. "Armin, tell me what he did or so help me God, I will track him down and ask him myself. Don't test me, I really will. You know I will, I'll track him down and I will kick his ass for hurting my best fucking friend--"

"Calm down, Eren! It's fine, I'm fine! Don't worry about it, he didn't do anything to me, okay? I'm _fine._ Go to sleep. I'm sure you had a long night, you should be tired. I want to hear about it in the morning so just… Sleep, okay?"

I stared at him for a long time, at least two full minutes, and he refused to meet my gaze once. His fingers were clenched into his elbows so hard that I could see them shaking from the strain, and his entire body was abnormally rigid. It was so obvious that he was trying to prevent himself from crying anymore and it was unbearably irritating that he wouldn't tell me what was bothering him that fucking much. I almost opened my mouth again to argue but I stopped myself, thinking back to what Levi had said. I had to make my words count, and whatever I said to him while I was this annoyed and he was this upset would probably make things worse. It _killed_ me to let it go and it felt like I was admitting defeat, but I finally slid off of his bed and crawled back under my own covers. It took a few minutes, but I was eventually able to cast aside my worry so I could try to get some sleep. Armin's voice tugged me back awake just as I let myself drift again.

"Actually, I, uhm… I take it back, could we talk about it?"

He didn't have to ask twice; I was sitting up and facing him in a heartbeat, exhaustion replaced with renewed anger and adrenaline. Keeping myself in check was infinitely more difficult than I would've hoped but I managed to suspend my displeasure for his sake, so he could open up to me without feeling like he needed to censor himself. "Yeah, of course. Go ahead, I'm sorry I blew up. I'm okay now."

"No, it's fine," he said quietly, moving his chin back above the blankets and rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. Following a deep, shuddering breath, he continued. "Do you know what it feels like to not be taken seriously?"

"Think about who I just fucked."

"Eren…" I accomplished making him smile, but that smile turned into wide-eyed disbelief before I could fully appreciate what I'd done."Wait, hold on. What? Who _you_ just fucked? Was that just a figure of speech or did you…? _To him?_ "

"Shh, that's not important!" I covered the burn spreading across my cheeks with my hand and groaned. "Just… Oh God, just go on, we'll talk about that later. Talk to me. I'm listening."

He was quiet again for a little while, staring blankly at the corner of the room so intensely that I was actually concerned that he'd fallen asleep with his eyes open. Just as I opened my mouth to ask if he was still conscious, he sighed and turned to rest his cheek on his knees and look at me. "Nobody takes me seriously. It's probably ridiculous that this still bothers me so much, you know? I've spent my entire life dealing with this, people have _never_ taken me seriously. I'm eighteen and everyone still treats me like I'm twelve," he groaned and pressed his palms to his forehead in frustration, "I can't make decisions for myself. I can't make decisions that will benefit me. I don't know what I want. I don't know what's good for me. It's always the same things, over and over again, from everyone around me. My life consists of being brushed off by everyone I meet, with the exception of you and maybe Hanji. It gets so tiring, and even when I do get tired enough of it that I defend myself, people brush that off, too. I don't get it, I just don't get it. Am I doing something that communicates that I'm incapable of having valid opinions? Maybe I deserve this. Maybe I don't know what I'm doing. I'm here, aren't I? I obviously screwed _something_ up, I obviously made enough bad decisions to make being here necessary. Maybe I just need to learn to accept that this is my fault and--"

He stopped with a brief, sharp inhale when he felt my arms wrap around him. Neither of us actively noticed that I'd crossed the room until I was hugging him, pulling his face into my chest and holding him like I never wanted to let him go. I didn't. Hearing him doubt himself like that had been beyond painful and I couldn't even _imagine_ the pain that he felt as he eased himself into believing it. My grip tightened and he didn't move at first, he didn't even breathe. All it took to break him was a single choked sob that escaped his lips, that was the breach in his defenses that brought everything to the surface. Armin's arms found my waist and his hug was even more forceful than mine, fingers digging into the skin of my back while he pushed his face into my chest. He was so careful not to make noise but I felt the heaves of his chest, I felt the warmth of his tears through my shirt, and it occurred to me that I hadn't seen him cry before. In fact, he'd never been particularly upset around me before, I'd never seen him upset around anyone, not even when I first met him. Back then, he'd been quiet and reserved, never outwardly emotional. Things were never about him unless it was during group when we couldn't ask him to go into detail beyond what he gave. It was always about me, what happened in my life, what was bothering me. God, how long had he been holding this in?

"You're the most level-headed person I've ever met, Armin. Your opinions, your thoughts, your actions, _everything_ you do is brilliant. Fuck everyone, they'll see. Don't ever say that you deserve less than the best," I whispered against his hair and rubbed his back in hopes that he would ease up a little bit. His entire body was tense because of how much effort he was putting into staying quiet. "Let it out. You're always taking care of everyone and making sure they're okay. You don't worry about yourself enough and you don't give yourself enough credit. You're the best friend I could ever ask for and I'm here for you just like you're here for me. Don't hold this in."

That was the push that he needed and he finally cried-- _really_ cried--into my collarbone. I kept him in my embrace until he chose to pull away, wiping his eyes between shuddering breaths and still trying to force a smile and make it seem like he was alright. "I'm s-so sorry, I don't know what came over m-me," he stuttered, partially hiding his face behind his forearm. I took his wrist in my hand and pulled it away firmly but carefully, then brushed his bangs away from his face and gave him a sad smile.

"You have absolutely no reason to apologize about _anything._ Don't let what they say get to you. They have no idea what they're saying. Prove him wrong, Armin, don't just accept what he said as truth. It's not true and I could fucking--"

"H-He just wants what's best for me."

"Yeah, well, he doesn't get to decide that. You do." I pinched both of his cheeks and he finally smiled again, genuinely smiled, and batted my hands away with an elbow. " _Show_ him what's best for you, and let him know that if he hurts my best friend, I won't think twice about kicking his ass."

"You couldn't kick his ass even if you tried, Eren." Mock-offended, I shot him a frown and grabbed his thighs, pulled him onto his back on his bed, and promptly sat on his stomach, which he responded to with a strained, "Omigod, Eren, you're _heavy_."

"Oh? Heavy enough to kick his ass?"

"No," he replied and laughed as much as he could with my ass compressing his lungs. "Nice try, though."

I rolled off and laid back beside him, tucking my hands behind my head and staring at the ceiling while he caught his breath. "I'll try anyway. Armin, I meant what I said about you being my best friend, I hope you know that. You've been more of a friend to me in this last month than I've had in eighteen years. I'm going to miss you so much."

"I can say the same about you. You probably don't think so, but you've made a big impact on me. I can't thank you enough."

"I should be the one thanking you."

"Shut up, you're going to make me cry again."

"Speaking of which, I still have memories to make with you. I promised."

"Oh my god. I'm serious, I'm going to cry."

"I'm the only one that's allowed to do that, by the way. But I'm serious too, even if I can't see you after I get out, I'm gonna see you. We'll go on a road trip to the ocean." Armin turned his head and looked at me when I said that, and he extended an arm into the air above my face.

"I don't care how stupid this is, I want a pinky swear. It's what best friends do and I need some sort of contract that binds you to making this happen."

I raised my hand and linked my pinky with his without arguing, sealed it with a quiet, "I promise," then rolled onto my stomach and propped myself up on my elbows. "How are you feeling now?"

"I'll be fine, don't worry."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, thank you. You should get some sleep, you know."

"Do you want me to sleep here?" I offered, and he shook his head rapidly as he sat up and gestured toward me, palms out and eyes wide.

"Nooooo, absolutely not. Levi would kill me if I slept in the same bed as you."

"Oh, come on, it's not like we're fucking or anything."

"Still! Oh, wait, speaking of fucking and Levi, about what you said earlier…"

That was my cue to leave. After rolling up into a sitting position, I ruffled his hair and slid off of his bed. I wasted no time returning to my own and burying my head underneath the covers then turning to face the wall so that he couldn't gauge anything from my facial expressions. "Aaaaaall right, Armin, on that note, I should definitely get some sleep. I'll talk to you in the morning. Sleep well."

The sound of shuffling fabric told me that he moved under his own covers once I got under mine. Strangely enough, I could _hear_ the hint of a smile in his voice when he verbalized his last response of the night. "You too, Eren." 

 

* * *

 

"Hey. Wake up!"

"Hnnng… Levi?"

"What? No! Oh my god, I'm so glad you didn't sleep in my bed, do you have any idea how weird that would've been to wake up to?" 

I grunted in response and rolled my face into the pillow when I felt the bed sink underneath his weight. It felt like I hadn't actually slept, like I'd just suspended myself in a state of not-quite-consciousness for a few minutes and opened my eyes after a conveniently placed time-skip. I was exhausted in a way that I wasn't entirely familiar with, especially when I accounted for my aching muscles. My emotions were exhausted, a feeling reminiscent of the way that I felt after spending a night crying or worrying about something that I had no control over. I felt drained, and it certainly didn't make me want to wake up any more than usual. "Armin, I love you to death, don't get me wrong, but… How the fuck are you this active in the morning? Honestly. This is hell."

"With all due respect, we can sleep when we're dead. We're here because we're alive, aren't we? Come on, get up." He jabbed a finger into my ribs and prompted a defeated groan.

"Stooooop, I'm sore. I'm up, okay? Just gimme a second to get dressed," I mumbled and half-fell off the bed, then leaned against the dresser and shuffled through the shelves to find a pair of sweatpants. Armin settled comfortably onto my bed and clasped his hands together in his lap, watching and waiting for me to finish. While I pulled on my clothes he remained quiet, and when I was finally sentient enough I broke the silence and asked, "So, how're you feeling?"

"Better. What about you?"

"Eh. Tired. Sore. Feel a little weird, too."

"Weird?" He narrowed his eyes and tilted his head to the side curiously, "Weird how?"

"I dunno. It's weird."

"Yeah, I got that. Well… How was your night? You don't have to tell me _everything_ , of course, but I do wanna know if it was okay."

I tugged the wrinkles out of my shirt, sighed, and collapsed back on my bed. He shifted to the corner and turned to face me while I answered. "I mean, it was really great until we went to sleep. I woke up a few hours afterwards and definitely thought I was dying. Levi said it was a panic attack, so that wasn't fun. I think that's why I'm feeling so off, too."

"I'm so sorry. I didn't even realize. Panic attacks are the absolute worst, I understand completely. I wish I could've been there to help you through it."

"Don't worry about it, there's no way you could've known. I mean, I didn't even know. It was just really fucking scary. There isn't a hell of a lot that scares me, but that was absolutely terrifying."

"I'm so glad you're okay. Do you have any idea why you had it?"

"Not really. It actually woke me up, and I don't remember dreaming about anything, either."

"Hmm. Well, you know, you're being discharged soon. I'd imagine that's a little stressful, do you feel like you have any unfinished business or anything to worry about?"

Unfinished business? I furrowed my brows and bit my lip. The last few days had really only been stressful because of the situation I'd been thrust into with Levi, and that had already been settled. There wasn't much else that I could think about that was bothering me, unless I counted the fact that I wouldn't be able to see everyone after I left. Real life didn't sound particularly appealing, either. "Not that I can think of, I'm just going to miss everyone. I don't really know what I need to do in terms of 'unfinished business', though."

"You're not going to like what I have to say."

My heart sank and I sat up to stare at him. When he didn't make eye contact with me, I groaned. "What? You're freaking me out."

He sighed and raised a hand behind his head, scratching nervously and putting me even more on edge. He was worried about making me angry, I was sure of it. Armin knew that whatever he had to say was going to bother me and that actually made me _incredibly_ nervous. "It's not technically any of my business and I know that, but I think that this is probably important. Before you say anything, just think about it from this angle: these last few weeks have already changed a lot for you. When you get out, you're going to be thrust into the world again, and you won't want any more stress than you have. You should use this time to your advantage in any way that you can, and I mean _any._ You have the potential to take a lot of weight off of your shoulders that you probably don't even realize that you have."

"Would you just say it? Listening to you set it up and make a big deal about it is making me nervous. C'mon."

"Maybe, um, you should try making peace with Jean?" He cringed immediately and squeezed an eye shut while he braced himself for whatever he hell he thought I was going to do to him, and while I certainly wasn't pleased with the situation, I couldn't even wrap my head around what the appropriate reaction was.

You know, maybe I would've considered it under different circumstances. Maybe I would've considered it if Jean hadn't spent yesterday going out of his way to make my life hell, if he hadn't tried to date my sister, if he wasn't a monumental bag of dicks that had a boyfriend that was entirely too good for him. But he did, and he was. While it was a damn shame, if he couldn't be bothered to pull his head out of his ass, then I couldn't be bothered to care. "Yeah, no. Let's not. I have no desire to _talk_ to him unless I have to."

"Come on, Eren. This could be really beneficial for you. Do it for you, not him." He relaxed and leaned toward me, palms open and head tilted slightly, pleadingly.

"Nah. I'm good."

"What on earth do you have against him? Wouldn't it be easier if you settled it once and for all so you could move on with your lives?"

I had to slip off of the bed and pace a little bit to keep my anger in check. It was building, I could feel it working its way into my body and making my heart race. "What do I have against him?"

"Yeah, I asked what you have against him. I want to know."

"Alright. Junior year, he had a thing for my sister. A big thing. A _really_ big thing. That in itself is enough for me to dislike him because that what brothers fucking do, but no, he had to push it. Mikasa and I are close and we spend a lot of time together, so he decided that it would be appropriate to be a complete asswipe to me because he somehow saw me as competition for her time, not that she wanted to have anything to do with him. The bastard was relentless and he picked fights about _everything_ , he always had to contradict me somehow and it was always debate, debate, debate. He had this insatiable urge to prove me wrong."

"Well, _were_ you wrong?"

"Wha-- It doesn't matter if I was wrong or not!" I replied, exasperated, and crossed my arms across my chest when I saw him hide a smile behind his hand. "I don't like him, bottom line, and the feeling's mutual."

"What could you potentially _lose_ in this situation?"

"Uh, my pride? Like hell I'm bowing down to him."

"You don't need to bow down to him, that's not at all--"

"He's a prick and I don't owe him anything. Absolutely nothing. I have no reason to make peace with him if he's going to be an insufferable ass all of the time, I can't stand people like him. I swear to god, they're 90% of the reason why I ended up with detentions back at school. I'm not like you, I can't just like and accept everyone. They're not even worth--"

"Eren, have you ever considered that maybe he's the way that he is for a reason?" There was an intensity in his tone that made me stop and stare, that actually made me put his words into perspective. He wasn't smiling.

"How so?"

"I understand that he's awful to you and he's probably awful to other people, too. I understand that he has a personality that you can't stand. _I get that._ That's completely normal, you aren't required to like everyone you meet anyway. But… Do you ever step back and consider that maybe they're that way for a _reason_? That there are explanations for his actions?" I could only stare blankly when he paused for my input, and he continued with a sigh, "That's what I figured. I don't like everyone I meet, trust me. There have been some absolutely insufferable people that have come into my life. The difference is that I recognize that maybe they aren't aware that they're awful, you know?"

"But--"

"No. I know that Jean _should_ know what he's doing since he pretty much goes out of his way to work your nerves. What I'm trying to say is that it might be a coping mechanism or something that he's grown up utilizing because it compensates for something else in his life. You don't know what his home situation is like. You don't know what his childhood was like, or how he grew up. None of us do, expect maybe Marco, but I can't even be positive about that. Jean is extremely guarded about his personal life and that in itself tells me that something might be going on that he doesn't want to talk about. Could I be wrong? Of course. He may just dislike talking about himself because it's a waste of his time, but the fact that he's struggling with issues that were severe enough to bring him here makes the former far more likely. I'm not asking for you to kiss his feet or anything, Eren, I swear. Some people really are just shitty people and that may be a big part of his issue, but it's still worth giving him a chance and making up anyway. Like I said before, it might be really good for you to put this behind you. If you _really_ think about it, you're probably wounding your pride more by letting him bother you this much than by sorting out your issues."

I loved Armin to death, but god, it _sucked_ when he was right. Especially about things like this. I was perfectly content not giving a damn, especially now that a part of me felt like absolute shit for being so insensitive. It didn't help that an equally big part of me was still incredibly reluctant to _admit_ that I'd been insensitive. "Fuck."

"He's not that bad. I promise."

"I really don't want to hear that from you."

"Do you want incentive?"

"What could you possibly do as incentive?"

Armin smiled a smile that immediately made me nervous again, then rose from the bed without a word. He took my upper arm and linked our elbows, then led me out to the dining room while concurrently ignoring every attempt I made to reiterate the question and receive an answer.

By the time we retrieved our trays from the cart and sat down, everyone else was already eating and had started a conversation already. I took a seat beside Armin, diagonal from Jean, and across from Marco, who stopped talking and regarded us both with a grin. He was usually pretty pleasant, even in the mornings, but I'd only seen him smile like this once or twice. "Well, someone's in a good mood. What'd we interrupt?"

"It's really noth--"

"They're talking about discharging him soon," Jean said flatly, and Marco flushed and shrugged when I looked back at him. 

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. I mean, I don't know when soon is, but they were commenting on the progress I've been making and they brought up the possibility."

"Holy _shit_ , Marco! That's--" Armin nudged me hard in the side and dipped his head in the direction of a nurse who was glaring at me rather disapprovingly, indicating that I'd gotten a little bit too excited. Cheeks burning, I focused back on Marco and continued in a lower voice, "That's great. How long have you known? They didn't tell you this morning, did they? I mean, jeez, we just woke up."

"Nah. It was late yesterday afternoon. It just… Didn't sink in until I had a chance to sleep on it and think a little bit."

"We're so proud of you, dude," I said and Armin nodded in agreement, as did Sasha, who put down her fork for a moment to wrap a quick arm around his shoulders and squeeze him. "So, just out of curiosity, are your goals for the future still the same as they were a couple days ago?"

He bit his lip and looked up into the corner for a moment, but answered with a small smile and nod. "It's funny. With stuff like this, you _know_ that your life is going to change, but there's no way you can know how until it happens. It's like I said before… I never believed it until this all happened, but I'm pretty sure that everything happens for a reason. I really want to help people, I want to make sure that people realize their worth and they don't end up here. So yeah, they're the same. What about you, though? You're leaving sooner than I am, you know. A few days."

The realization that came with him bringing that up settled like a weight on my chest and I still couldn't pinpoint exactly how I felt about everything. I was certainly more at peace with the situation than I'd been a day or two ago, but discharge was daunting. The real world was fucking terrifying. People were shitty and responsibilities were overwhelming and thinking about the future still made me dizzy. I had a few days to try to work out ways to handle things that I've struggled with for eighteen years. Was I even ready to deal with life? I sure as hell didn't have the same level of commitment to a particular future that Marco did; I still had no fucking idea what I was going to do with my life. None. God, thinking about it made my heart hurt and I could feel the panic creeping back with every second that my heart rate quickened, and oh god, could they hear me starting to hyperventilate? Shit, I couldn't do this in the middle of breakfast, especially not while Marco's was such a good mood--

I jumped when a firm hand fell just above my knee and kneaded until my leg stopped shaking. Levi didn't acknowledge me when I turned to look at him, instead opting to focus only on his toast, but he also didn't remove his hand. It was a small gesture but it helped just enough for me to catch myself, breathe, and try to veer the conversation in a direction that I could handle. "It's not much, but as of right now, I just wanna stay alive. Actually… You know what? I think my goal right now is to focus on getting to a point that I consistently _want_ to stay alive. I want to get to a point that I can step back and look at my life and feel satisfied. I don't even want happiness, not right away, I just want to feel comfortable and like I'm on the right track. I… Does that even make sense? You said everything happens for a reason and this opened your eyes to your future. This didn't necessarily give me a game plan or anything but, uh, I think I learned a hell of a lot and I'm well on my way." From the corner of my eye I saw Armin nod and Levi paused mid-bite then dipped his head slightly as well. I interpreted them as nonverbal affirmations that they felt the same way, that they felt the same way, even slightly. "I obviously wanna make sure that I can take care of Mikasa, but as far as personal goals go, that's at the top of my list. What about the rest of you? Has anything changed?" It was surprisingly relieving to shift the conversation away from me and I was expecting Sasha or Jean to answer me, but Armin leaned over the table a little bit before he spoke.

"Guys, I was actually thinking about this earlier. I want to make a difference. I want to have an impact on people and maybe even the world. Not necessarily in the same way as you, Marco, but I want to do something that people will remember. I guess it's probably not super healthy, but--" He was interrupted mid-thought by a nurse loudly declaring that breakfast was over and we should start heading toward the group therapy room, and he groaned and let his shoulders sag a bit. "Nevermind. I'll tell you guys after group."

We all shuffled in and took our usual spots, and Hanji didn't say anything until we were all seated. Something was off, something about the way that she was sitting and staring at us with her arms crossed seemed different than usual. It was in her eyes, the kind of look that I'd only really seen on the faces of my science teachers and the kids in my chemistry class that actually gave a damn about the labs. She was looking at us the way someone would look at their experiments, like we were test subjects and she was expecting something to happen in the near future. I wasn't the only one to pick up on this, thank god, and Levi asked, "Oi, four-eyes, what's with that face? The hell are you smirking about?"

"Language, Levi," she replied with a smug smile, to which he responded by narrowing his eyes and crossing his legs. "We're going to do something a little different today because I know you all can handle it. Sound good?" When we all affirmed with nods, she continued, "Today, I'm going to leave the discussion topic up to you all. If anyone has anything that they want to talk about, you're more than welcome to say it. Now, obviously, it would be particularly helpful if it's something that nearly everyone can relate to and benefit from, since you all have personal therapy sessions to focus on specialized issues, but if there's something on your mind that you want feedback on, you're more than welcome to bring it up. It doesn't even have to be anything groundbreaking. We may get through one topic, we may get through a dozen. It all depends, and there is nothing wrong with either. Would anyone care to start?"

There was a silence. I couldn't personally think of anything to talk about that would be group-worthy. I mean, we'd already covered the majority of my problems. The past, the future, goals, discharge, everything. Anything else could be discussed one-on-one with my therapist. Marco didn't seem like he had anything to complain about either, he was still smiling from breakfast. Jean had been strangely quiet all morning, and there was no way in hell that Levi would purposefully call attention to himself and his problems. I began to turn to Sasha just as Armin cleared his throat and spoke up.

"Actually, Hanji, I do have something that's… bothering me…" He started strong but it seemed like the reality of what he was doing hit him halfway through his thought and his voice trailed off, quivering. There was a moment that he remained silent, biting his lip and staring hard at the tile floor beneath his feet while Hanji leaned over her knees and watched him with imploring eyes.

"We're listening, Armin. We're only here to help, and you don't have to say anything that you don't want to say. What's on your mind?"

He took a deep breath, held it, and exhaled it heavily, all while furrowing his brow and gnawing on his bottom lip. The magnitude of his internal conflict was plastered all over his face. Knowing him, he was furiously debating whether or not this was a good idea, whether or not it was worth exposing and calling to attention in front of everyone. He wouldn't have brought it up if it wasn't important, I knew him well enough to know that. What the hell kind of friend was I if I couldn't support him when he needed it? There was no way for me to know if it really _would_ help, but I reached out and squeezed his shoulder encouragingly, at least confident that he wasn't usually averse to physical contact.

When my hand made contact with his shoulder, he raised his hand and ran his fingers through his hair, sighed, then glanced side-long at me with a smile. "Could we talk about inadequacy today? You know, not feeling good enough, not feeling like your best is ever up to your standards. Feeling like you constantly let everyone down and they have a reason to treat you condescendingly. It's a bit of a touchy subject, I know, and I completely understand if you'd rather we not bring it up now, but it is important to me and I feel like everyone can glean _something_ from a discussion about it."

"You couldn't be more right, but let's make sure nobody opposes first. Is anyone uncomfortable with discussing inadequacy?"

From the corner of my eye, I noticed Jean sink into himself without saying anything. It was incredibly interesting but this wasn't the time to comment on it, so I made a mental note and tucked it away for later as I scanned the rest of the group. There was no verbal opposition but everyone seemed to deflate a little bit, like even the word itself was enough to trigger emotional responses. When nobody spoke up, Hanji asked, "Alright, Armin. Start us off."

"I mean, I don't really know how to start?"

"Any way you're like. Launch right in, tell us stories, ask us questions, explain your issues, address this however you'd like to address it. It's up to you."

"I'm just really tired of feeling like I can't live up to expectations. _Any_ expectations. Mine, my family's, friends', society's, literally anyone's. I really do try so hard to please everyone: I stay out of fights, I offer advice when I know that I can, I make sure I'm available for anyone who needs me, I don't cause drama, I do everything I'm told to do, I get good grades, and I do my absolute best not to push my problems onto anyone or focus just on myself. I'm always worried about being perceived as selfish. Maybe that in itself is selfish? I don't know. All I know for sure is that regardless of everything, it's never good enough. When I finally _do_ stand up for myself, people are so used to the other side of me that they act like I'm really incapable of making my own decisions and it's incredibly frustrating. When I try to change, to experiment with things to see if they'll improve anything, I just end up worried about whether or not what I do is still enough, if I'm still making a good impression… Jeez, I was rambling, I think I may have gotten off topic. I'm so sorry, I can't even collect my thoughts--"

"No, you make complete sense," Jean said quietly. 

Armin relaxed in his chair, clearly relieved by someone validating his troubles. He waited to see if Jean wanted to say anything else, and when he didn't, he turned back to Hanji as she took the chance to speak. "Before I weigh in, would anyone care to share personal experiences or anything related to the topic?"

"I kinda know what you mean, Armin. Back at home, I felt like I couldn't make the people I cared about happy a _lot_ , especially when I started having, um, issues. It just made it harder," Sasha said.

"We understand. I get pretty damn self-conscious about myself regularly because I'm never sure if I'm good enough. You're definitely not alone," Marco added.

Levi shook his head slightly and I could tell by the way that Armin looked at me that he knew that Levi was no stranger to it either. Hanji gave us all a few more moments to gather any potential thoughts then finally spoke again. "I'm actually quite pleased that you brought this up. As you can see, it's a common struggle. Everyone experiences it differently, of course, because everyone faces different problems and internalizes things based on their unique experiences, but inadequacy as a whole is, unfortunately, normal. That's not to say that it's somehow less important, less painful, or easier to handle. Goodness, no. I'm sure you're all plenty aware of that. I just want to establish, first and foremost, that you're not alone. Keep that in mind.

"Now, let me ask you a question, Armin. This applies to all of you, but I'm going to focus on Armin for just a moment, feel free to add things as you wish. What drives the majority of your actions?"

"What do you mean?"

"When you're about to make a decision about something, what goes through your mind? When you're debating whether or not to speak up about something, what do you think of that ends up being the catalyst for the decision that you make? Be honest."

"Um. I usually make my decisions based upon whether or not I know they'll benefit the people around me and the people I care about. I don't ever want to offend or upset anybody, nor do I want to make them uncomfortable. If I know I can help, I do my best to do so."

"So you make the majority of your decisions for other people? Do you ever do things for your own benefit?"

"Well, sure. I don't want people to dislike me, I guess I work pretty hard to make sure that I don't give anyone a real reason to hate me."

"No, I mean doing things because you personally want to, because they're things that _you_ want."

"Of course. I want to make a good impression on people."

Hanji smiled sadly. "Okay. Let me ask you another question, then. What will happen if you _don't_ make a good impression on people?"

"They'll dislike me, I'm sure. They'll think I'm weak and incapable."

"Why is it important that they like you?"

Armin paused and frowned, quite obviously unprepared for the question. "I don't know, everyone wants to be liked."

"What will you gain from their approval?"

The silence between her question and his answer was a little bit more sizable this time, and he seemed a little confounded. "… Confidence, I suppose. The knowledge that I'm capable of doing things right. Validation."

"Answer this honestly. There is no right or wrong answer, I'm genuinely curious: do you achieve confidence when others accept you? Does that confidence last and benefit you?"

I'd never seen Armin so conflicted before. Hanji was breaching defenses he hadn't properly enforced and she was doing it well. His mouth opened and shut a few times before any of his actual responses, and his brows were furrowed in a constant state of concentration and deep thought. "I… No, not really."

Hanji nodded slowly and finally straightened up, regarding all of us now. "Like everything else, it's a process and it'll take time, but confidence needs to come from yourself, first and foremost. Other people are important, I won't deny that, but think about it for a second: how can you believe anything that they say or think if you don't believe it yourself? It's a contradictory way of thinking that's all too common. You live to please others, but when others do offer validation, you deny it, don't you? You brush it off and figure that people are just being nice, or pitying you, or making fun of you?"

Armin was the only one to nod, but I could tell by the looks on everyone's faces that the accuracy of her statement had resonated with them. They all showed it differently, with Sasha biting her lip, Marco absentmindedly rubbing his leg, Jean's gaze falling, and Levi sighing quietly, barely loud enough for me to hear it. Even though I didn't often go out of my way to please others, I was admittedly awful at taking compliments at face value. I knew I wasn't particularly outstanding at anything and I could never understand what anyone could have to praise me about. Hanji was spot on. Regardless of how obsessive or overeager she seemed, she really did know what she was doing, and that was something I learned more and more every day.

"You aren't inadequate. You have the power to prove them wrong. Armin, if anyone tells you that you're incapable of making decisions for yourself, prove them wrong. Don't sit back and accept it as fact because you don't want to start conflict. Conflict is unpleasant, I know, but in certain cases, it's necessary. You have to understand and accept that not everyone is going to think fondly of you, and if your goal is to please everyone, you're setting yourself for disappointment. Forget them. Once again, you're going to need to really work on this, but focus on the people that bring you up and remove any toxicity from your life. Stand up for yourself and focus on yourself. _Live for yourself._ You've spent so much time pleasing others that you've neglected the most important person in your life. It's not selfish to put yourself first. It would be beneficial to you--and this goes for all of you-- to put more effort into _you_. It's not narcissistic. Love yourself, make your own decisions, work hard, excel, and show them how wrong they are."

"I've tried. I swear I have. I know I don't give myself enough credit, but Hanji, I can't just… I can't just love myself. Maybe that's another reason why I try to please other people. If I can't love myself, maybe they can. Maybe they can love me enough for the both of us. You're right, though. I'm setting myself up for failure because they _can't_. Take that however you'd like," Armin murmured.

"It takes time. You can't break a lifetime of habits in the matter of a day or a week. The ultimate goal is to raise your self worth, but that also requires that we work on understanding that it's not necessary to please everyone, and even more importantly, that it's crucial that you express your emotions and don't keep them bottled up. This is something you should definitely bring up during your one-on-one therapy time, but I can offer a few strategies as well. Now, before you say anything, I recognize that they're cliché. Just trust me when I say that they'll have more of an impact than you realize. It's absolutely fascinating that such simple things can have such a sizable impact on the way we think, especially from a psychological standpoint. I mean, it's a way to apply P--" Levi cleared his throat loudly and she blinked twice, looked at him, then sighed. "Right. Anywho. There are plenty of things that you can do that won't inconvenience you or ruin your daily schedule. For instance, even taking a few moments out of the day to look in the mirror and recite four or five things that you like about yourself or are proud of. Don't let yourself go until you do it. Write them down, too. Give yourself short-term goals and stick with them. Reward yourself for doing things that you're proud of. Encourage yourself, because _you deserve it_. I assure you, you really do."

The last sentence left her lips while she made direct eye contact with Armin. He flushed and rubbed his upper arm but nodded anyway.

"Excellent. Any questions?" She asked, waited for a response she knew wouldn't actually come, then sang, "Then you're all free to go, I'll be seeing you soon!"

"Hey, I'm really proud of you for that, you know," I murmured as we stood and pulled him into a side-hug. He promptly shrugged it off and we walked out of group together, heading toward the sip ades table with everyone else. Just as I went to sit down, Armin jolted and turned toward me on a heel, eyes wide.

"Wait, could you do me a favor?"

"Whoa, yeah, are you alright?"

"Hm? Yeah, no, I just remembered something. Could you run back to our room and grab me a book?"

"Sure, which one?"

"Uh… It's Kind of a Funny Story."

"What is?"

"No, that's the title."

"Ah, gotcha. Where is it?"

"On the floor, just underneath the upper right hand corner of my bed. You'll know which one it is, it's well-loved."

Well-loved meant dog-eared and battered to hell, I came to find out. It was indeed where he told me it would be and I certainly had no trouble finding it, none of his other books were in quite as bad of a condition as this one. At first, I wondered if he may have just dropped it in water and ruined it, but a quick flip-through of the pages revealed that its condition was purely a result of constant use. He wasn't wrong: it was well-loved, and I finally understood what that meant. The pages were dotted with notes in margins and arrows linking sentences to his own comments. Entire passages her highlighted or underlined, pages were dogeared and often accompanied by hearts or a myriad of notes that hinted to their unique importances. A quick skim of the first few chapters revealed that it actually seemed like a good book, something I may enjoy reading, but I had to exercise self control and remember that I was _technically_ on a time schedule. Armin needed the book (for whatever reason) and it would probably be best if I got it to him before our free time ended. 

They were all sitting around the spades table when I came back, predictably, and Armin grinned when I handed him the book. "You were right about it being well-loved, huh? You tore this poor book to bits."

"Hush. It's a good book, I could really identify with it. It's one of those books that changes a little piece of you, that makes you put everything into perspective and makes you want to make changes in your life. It helped me a lot, and it's entertaining. I want you to read it sometime. I'll give it to you as a discharge present, okay?"

"What? Are you sure? You have so much in here, so much written down--"

"And I want for you to appreciate it for yourself and then see how I appreciated it, too. You know, something to remember me with."

"Oh, shut up. I'm pretty sure I promised you some beach memories, it's not like I'm going to ditch my best friend just because the system says I have to. Psh, _fuck_ the system."

"Please tell me you're joking and you didn't just say that."

"No way, man. Anarchy all the way. That's something I've never told you: I'm a closet anarchist and this is all a deliberate and complex attempt to infiltrate the government through it's healthcare facilities."

"Shut up and play Spades, Eren." He rolled his eyes and shoved my shoulder playfully when I sat down beside him and caved, joining the very next game that I could.

Surprisingly enough, I won both of the games the rounds that we played. While I wasn't completely sure that Armin hadn't purposefully thrown it in my favor, I wasn't complaining, either. Once again, I couldn't help but notice that Jean was being particularly quiet, which was somewhat more unexpected than his silence at group (and during breakfast, now that I thought back on it), because I'd won Spades.

_I'd won Spades and Jean hadn't given me shit._

I didn't look into it much because it was none of my business, nor did I _want_ for it to be any of my business, but I couldn't help but notice it. There was no way I was the only one, he wasn't suppressing it particularly well and he looked visibly troubled, but nobody made any efforts to talk to him about it, not even Marco. He looked concerned when he glanced over at Jean every few minutes, but he didn't say anything aloud. It was fucking weird, honestly. It didn't take long for it to slip from my mind and I was more or less unaware of it for the rest of the morning until they called us in for lunch.

Everyone left for the cafeteria before I did, having volunteered to stay back and put everything away. By the time I finished, they were all already seated together, talking and laughing about something that I couldn't quite hear. Levi, however, appeared directly beside me when I grabbed my tray and simultaneously scared the living shit out of me, grabbed his own tray, grabbed my upper arm, and led me to a table away from everyone else. "Wait, where are we going?" I asked, but it basically fell on deaf ears. Not a single world left his lips as we crossed the room and sat, and the silence that ensued was terrifying. I couldn't tell if he was angry, irritated, disappointed, or if that was just his default expression. What could he be mad at me for? What had I done to irritate him since the last time we'd spoken? Armin had really been the only person I'd spoken to, and I couldn't fathom why Levi would have a problem with that. There was absolutely no way he thought of Armin as some sort of threat. _Oh my god, is he still mad about this morning?_

Levi opened his mouth to say something before he looked at me, but when he _did_ look at me, he furrowed his brows and his lips twitched up in a look of what I can only compare to disgust. "So--Wait, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"No, I'm fine, what were you going to say?" I replied and shoveled a spoonful of applesauce into my mouth with shaky hands.

"… Whatever. So, your friend tells me that you and Kirschstein need to make nice."

It was at that particular moment that I learned two things.

First, things really could come out of your nose when you choked. That wasn't just something that happened in movies.

Second, things didn't have to be completely liquid to come out of your nose, and applesauce was _just liquid enough._

Sputtering, I used the next few moments to cough and wipe away the tears that the burn in my sinuses caused. Levi watched me down half of my tea with an eyebrow raised, clearly amused, and actually snorted when I realized that my tea was _hot_ tea and it hadn't cooled enough for me to gulp it down like that. "How the hell did you make it to see your eighteenth birthday?"

"S-shut up," I rasped, still trying to suppress my coughing. "Your fault for getting me into tea anyway. Why are you even here? Aren't you supposed to be on watch, eating in your room?"

"They're still on my ass every waking moment of the fucking day, I assure you. I'm still considered high-risk, and they're watching me. I've just proven that I'm stable enough to eat with the rest of you brats."

"I… Fine, okay. Anyway, that's completely beside the point. He _told_ you? Why the hell did he…" It clicked the moment the words left my mouth: incentive. Armin said that he would give me incentive. The sneaky bastard must've said something while I was getting his book. I was impressed that he'd actually spoken to Levi, but the circumstances… left a lot to be desired. Shit.

"It's none of my business and I couldn't give less of a damn either way, but if you want to do what's going to be best for you in the long run, take this opportunity and use it to your advantage. Grudges are fucking shitty and they only get worse and more unbearable as time goes on, take it from someone who knows. Let it go. Move on with your life. Maybe I'll do something for you, depending on what happens."

"…Do something for me? Like what?"

"Depends on what happens, doesn't it?"

And, as was expected of Levi, he left it at that, knowing that my curiosity would be enough to push me to action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always to Tigerine for putting up with my last minute bullshit. :P
> 
> I really can't explain how blessed I feel to have you all, I hope you realize that. You've impacted my life as much as I've seemed to impact yours, and I can't explain how important that is. Every comment and message, every interaction, every incredible piece of fan art and every fanmix and fucking everything you guys do blows my mind and if I wasn't already an emotional wreck, I am now.
> 
> (I was already an emotional wreck. You guys make me cry in the best way.)
> 
> I swear I'll figure out a way to express my appreciation. Until then, I hope this was worth the absolutely ridiculous wait. 
> 
> Still tracking #fic: what it means to feel, #fic: wimtf, #wimtf and #what it means to feel. If you ever make me something and I don't see it, feel free to message me and lemme know. :3 (also, incredibly sorry if i don't reply to messages or do so slowly, I promise I see the majority of them, I'm just so awful at trying to tell you how much they mean to me and I wish I were joking but I'm really fucking emotional all of the time and UGH just so happy)


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